Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving, my hands are already swollen

Miller's ham, casseroles, dressing, pies, rolls....yum yum yum!

Liquid diet starts tomorrow.

AND, tomorrow I'm supposed to have a pretty important phone call that could really turn my life upside down....Or maybe right side up!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Stockholm Syndrom and white knuckled faith

I've been praying for quite a lot lately. And as forgotten as I feel sometimes, God seems to go out of His way to make me feel loved, my prayers acknowledged, my feelings validated and my weary heart restored with His promises. Today was one of those days.

I've prayed for change, I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage. As many things as He's brought me through over the years, I think, maybe, like the captives that feel connected and bound to the captor, I've done the same. I've spent the past few years trying to find my new self. I've just come to understand that I have found my new self but it was always attached to this is me post divorce, or post miscarriage, or post losing Jonas, or post job loss, or post total life upheaval.....and that's why I have felt so weighted down. Those are part of who I am but they don't define who I am. Anymore.

I have given money to a K Love when I'm in KY and the Promise when I'm in Jax as my tithe. Music heals, it heals me, and I feel that's a strong ministry. I got a phone call today and I never answer my phone. Ever. Especially from a number I don't recognize. And my phone is always on silent. But today, because I was waiting on a call from the Dr. I had the ringer turned on. At 530 it rang, I knew the Dr's office was closed but I answered it anyhow. It was K Love. I assumed they were calling to ask for a donation, I'd never gotten a call from them before. But the lady wanted to know if I had anything they could pray for. I gave her a few things that were heavy on my heart and then I threw in also to pray for a job for me.

Then my phone rang again and it was my dad. We talked recently about a job opportunity that may be available in Lexington and he had left a voicemail for the president of the company that bears the president guy's name. And because my dad is my dad, he got a call back. Mr President of Company had called my dad back and talked to him. Dad told him that I had had a few really bad years and basically needed someone to give me a break. And that my resume didn't match the opening they had but would he look at it. And he said of course. And gave my dad his cell phone number for me to text him when I emailed it. I have sent out countless of resumes over the past year. I haven't had a phone call, email, or smoke signal from anyone in months. This guy handed over his cell phone number for me to text him.

Will anything come of this? I don't know. But I know open doors when I see them and I can't deny that this was orchastrated by God. I don't know if this will turn into anything. I know that I sat at the computer crying and praying before I hit send because this job would mean moving to a city very far from my parents and friends and that for the past 20 years has been home. But I realized in that moment that it wasn't about a job in Ky. It wasn't about anything more than did I trust God enough to hit send. To completely and totally give control of my life to him. And for the first time in my life I can say that I have totally surrendered to Him. This isn't about employment. This is about faith.

And I hit send...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss

I have so much inside me and it just feels like if I start talking or crying I may never stop. Which isn't great news as tears are (still) streaming down my face. Satan is on the attack and it's literally coming at every direction. And I'm so tired of it. I wish I had more grace in moments like this but sometimes life just really hurts. Right now I'm in the midst of some great pain and mighty struggles.

Tonight at church they had a kid's choir sing and it was literally all I could do to keep from running out of that church. I have been missing J and praying for him more over the past few days than usual. Fri night I heard a song on the radio that he used to sing to me and I got sad but I listened to it and shared how he sang it to me with Megan and we laughed and sang it and I was ok. But then times like tonight I don't think I'll be able to stand the hole in my life that's missing from him not being here. Then I got in the car and on the radio was Steven Curtis Chapman's new song "Heaven is the Face." There's a line in it that "heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss." And it brought it all right back to me. Making him breakfast, saying his prayers with him, taking him to school so he could see his "girls," him telling me I was beautiful to him and he loved his Missy. Broke my heart. I miss my little boy.

I am struggling. I'm trying my best to be the faithful, loving, forgiving, compassionate, considerate person I was raised to be. Some days life just doesn't make sense. God's sending me reminders, I'm trying to look for them. Every day I'm working on it.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

heart on sleeve

My heart on my sleeve....sigh
I'm tired of judgemental people. Who's decision is it what car I drive? If I spend time in KY spending time with family and helping out with Nana if need be when I'm not working? Are you allowed to judge me because I don't have a job and you think I should? Because I am dating a guy you don't approve of? Because I online date? Let me answer those questions for you...No, you aren't! It's MY choice. MY decision. MY life. I appreciate everyone that plays a role in it from friend, to family to confidant. But life is hard enough without worrying about what other people think about my life and how I live it...IF you send out HUNDREDS of resumes and don't get a call then we'll talk. If you have an exhusband who screwed you up in the head then we can talk. If you have been single for more than a hot minute IN THE PAST FIVE years then we can talk about how hard it is to date. If you have dated someone who mistreated you but you still care for then we can talk. If you have left your home, your comfort zone, your friends and family to go somewhere you don't always feel yourself but have a heart to be there for those you love, then....we can talk. Otherwise, just be my friend. Tell me about your life when I ask. Tell me about the exciting things that have happened, the disappointments you've faced, the new perfume you found, show you can't get enough of or song you can't stop listening to.I'm doing the best I can. If you have a differing opinion how bout you talk to me about it before casting judgement. I will extend the same courtesy to you.NOW, tomorrow I am hoping that I will get to blog about something fun. Like shoes, or men or purses. That is something I'm pretty sure we can all agree on.I'm blogging to get it out of me so I don't become a bitter, unloving person. My heart is a perma fixture on my sleeve. And I'm ok with that. If you aren't, it's ok. I'll just blog about it tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

8 guys...blah

8 guys that I have dated over the past year or more have texted, emailed or called me. All this week. Only 2 knew or remembered it was my birthday. None know I'm out of town. All have me perplexed why they pop back up like groundhog's day back into my life. "Yep, still single, looks like she might be vulnerable, time to show my shadow!"

I'm done re-dating and recirculating guys I've already stopped dating for many different reasons. And much more grown up reasons than I used to use (man jewelry, mandals, nails too long, although these are all very valid reasons to end it.)

I'm putting myself out there. But for a new batch of men. Sooo K, thanks!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Happy bday to me, I shall now start lying about my age

So clearly music plays a huge role in my life. Certain songs just hit you where you need it and I heard this song on my way home tonight. I had kind of a 31 bday meltdown. But then I was overwhelmed with love and birthday wishes and some suprises that made my day. I heard from people I expected to that made me smile and laugh and heard from some others that made me cry. I was just really shown today how much I have to be thankful for.

I'm blessed. I'm so very thankful for the people in my life who hold me accountable, who pray for me, who encourage and love me. Thank you all for making my birthday so special. And as a dear friend told me, I'll put on my highest heels, dangliest earrings and be ready set go for this brand new year ahead of me!

Mark Shultz "He will carry me"

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will Ever need
And He will carry me

I know
I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through The storm

-And with that I'm going to bed! Goodnight all, this 26 year old is tired!