Sunday, May 30, 2010

Like sunlight burning at midnight...

Making my life something beautiful, beautiful!

God's been up to something. And now it's come to light in the way of my job. This is a company that cares about their people. In words and in actions. The boss man is already taking care of me and making sure that I know and am confident that they are going to help me get back on my feet, become successful, grow some roots.

It's funny how things change. 2 months ago I couldn't wait to start the other job because it would have gotten me out of Jacksonville every week a different location. That would have been fun. For a little bit. It's not a job conducive to building a life here. And at the time I wanted to build a life anywhere but here. I wanted to run away.

This job awakened a lot of things in me. My passion for real estate, my desire to belong to something bigger, to make a name for myself, to be independent, to settle down, to just be me again.

I was sitting on the bitter wagon for a little bit. This is a great job. I'm more than excited to become part of their team. But the fact that it took me 15 months to find that job was hard for me to swallow. Kind of like dating everyone in Jacksonville and then falling in love with the person across the street. I could have gotten this job a long time ago. The test I had to take would have had the same results last year. I could have sold myself last year. But I wasn't ready. I have to be honest with myself. The job in radio came at a time that I was going through my divorce, losing my house, losing Jonas. It kept me busy, it kept me occupied, it made me get out of bed.

But this past year was a year of healing. I believe that as sure as I'm sitting here. I may have gotten this job last year but I wouldn't have kept it. I had ADD in every area of my life. I couldn't concentrate on anything, had no faith in myself and had some really dark days. I know those days are behind me. Job stress and the stress of life that I went through are 2 completely and totally different things. I welcome the job stress. Learning new things, meeting new people, making money!!

I'm a different person than I was even a few months ago. I know that God has a plan for my life. I don't have the answers and I'm not sure of His ways but I know they are to prosper me and bring me to a beautiful place.

I've had a lifetime of experiences, sadness, disappointments in the past. And I'm gladly leaving them in the past. Like sunlight burning at midnight, it's a beautiful thing. Mercy reaching me and saving me. It's unexpected, it's more than you deserve, and it's been there all along, you just have to be ready to accept it.

I'm blessed. I'm more than excited to see where this new path takes me. I know it will be more than I expect and more than I feel like I deserve. And that's the amazing thing about God's love. It covers you and gives you what you need. When you need it and when you're ready for it. I'm ready. I'm so so ready....

Friday, May 28, 2010

God's timing = NOW! Employed!!!

Got the job I wanted. Very fast turnaround. Had my first interview Mon, 4 interviews later, offer today! Big fat sigh of relief. I can breathe again. I didn't realize how long I'd been holding my breath.

This is a place I can land and grow some roots. No more running away. No more standing in my own way. I'm at peace. I'm happy. I'm excited and I'm ready.

I have too much inside, not ready to come out yet I guess as I've feeling kind of speechless. Me. Speechless. I'm sure I'll have more to say later.

So for now I'll just say thank you for the prayers, the encouragement, the support, the shoulder, the listening ear, caring heart. It pulled me through. I appreciate the continued prayers as I start this new journey. Into the unknown, but a very exciting unknown. EMPLOYED!!

Blessed, loved and taken care of. In so, so many ways!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Things I know.

Because I have learned the hard way. But have learned none the less. And it feels good to not only know that I know them but that I act upon them, abide by them, and live by them.

1. Trust your gut. Especially as females I think that we were wired with the "gut" instinct. It's never steered me wrong. I haven't always listened to it. Or more accurately I haven't always acted on it. It's not something you can't hear. You feel it. Whether it's the wrong guy, a friend, family, situations, circumstances, jobs....whatever it is. I'm listening, and acting, on what my gut tells me. Because I've learned it's not just womans intuition. When you pray and ask for guidance, the feeling you get is just that, guidance. To save you heartache, disappointment, sadness.

2. When people show you who they are, believe them. Better yet, when people tell you who they are, listen. People, ok who am I kidding, guys, like to talk about themselves. But if you listen to them, watch them, and see who they really are, it will save you a lot of hurt and heartache. Sometimes is easier than others. The right clothes, the right words, the right hair, car, job, family, circumstances may gloss over what you don't want to see but if you really look at who someone is showing you they are, be thankful. If you act accordingly it will save you heartache, disappointment, sadness.

3. God's timing is perfect. I say this with my circumstances still as they have been for the past 15 months. Living with the parents, unemployed, divorced. What's changed is how I feel. I'm not sure why a job that seemed perfect for me and so much more than I ever dreamed of never came to be. I'm going for my 4th interview tomorrow. The president told me it would be a long process. A lot of interviews. I expected months. Not for all of this to be this week. And the compensation package wasn't what I hoped. I cried about it. Then I asked about it and told him my concerns and he came back with something that was more than I asked for. And he's talking about more. I may get this job. I may not. But I know that God has revealed through this that I still have passions, I still have dreams and I have the confidence in myself to get through this and excel. May not be much to others, to me, it means a lot.

4. There are good people out there. Tonight I was with a girlfriend and a stranger walks up to me and tells me I'm beautiful. He was kind of going on and on about it and I was flattered and a little embarrassed. The he leans in and says, "Stop selling yourself short. You have more to offer than you realize and it's time you started believing that." I was like, um, going to start crying right here, Mr Mind reader. I don't know who he was. Never seen him, probably won't again. But tonight I was in a situation that I didn't want to be in necessarily but it gave me closure that I know I need. And this stranger gave me some advice I need to take to heart. I can dress up and put a pretty face to the world but I'm more than I've let myself be. I'm not going to hide anymore. Behind anything.

5. I'm blessed. More than I deserve and more than I realize. I know my life is going to change. I know the change is for the better. And I know it's because God's timing is now for me. For a job, for a husband, for kids, for peace, for self acceptance, for his blessings. I don't know the timeline but I know the time keeper. And in His time all things come together for those who believe in him. And God's grace has allowed me to falter, slip, slide my way through this meantime, but I've made it. And I dare I say, I'm better for it.

I'm not the person I was even a few months ago. I've learned from my mistakes. I've grown into this new me. It feels good. Better than I expected. I have good friends, an amazing family and more blessings than a girl should have.

I haven't seen any butterflies lately. And it's spring. I saw more butterflies in the winter than I do now. I think that's by design. I've had to look for my own butterfly moments. And I've found them. And that has given me the peace to know I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I'm blessed, I'm happy and I know as sure as I'm sitting here...I'm where I'm supposed to be!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah!

Reason for Blah today:

I'm not looking. I'm dating. And it's a pain in the butt dealing with the dramatic, emotional, pain in the butt guys that come with dating!! And you don't know they are dramatic, emotional, pain in the butt guys until you date them. Blah blah! I'm being patient. Yes, this is the patient me!

Tests today for real estate were timed and mind teasers., problem solvers, writing paragraphs about nothing and you couldn't erase or change anything, pictures of shapes on top of shapes I've never seen from 8 different views from space and you had to see if it was the same or different. Oh and some fun math without a calculator thrown in for good measure. Not one question on figuring out commission, which is the only math I do! Brain Dead!!!! I kept waiting for the dunce bell to go off! But the good news. It's a great company. If I'm smart enough to get hired they have all kinds of benefits of working there. We shall see.

I go to pay the premium for next month, open the envelope and without any warning, any explanation, NOTHING, my COBRA has gone up and additional $250!! IN ADDITION to what I was paying. Almost $400. A MONTH. For insurance. And if you don't pay, cant afford to pay, whatever, you lose everything, really. Because then you have a lapse and if you have pre-exisiting (I do) then all the money you paid all the months before is for nothing. Who can survive when health care alone is $400 for ONE PERSON?? One person! One healthy person!! Absolutely asinine and disgusting.

I'm done griping. Just one of those days. If it was going to happen to tick me off, it's happened today. Even the dream I had when I took my nap today ticked me off. I woke up so angry. So I'm praying. For my angry outlook, my bleak blog and my everyone is against me mentality. But today it was true, everyone was out to get me.

Tomorrow will be better. I still have options, I'm still sassy, if not a little deflated, but blessed and excited for the things I know are coming!! My best days are in front of me! My best days are in front of me. My best days are in front of me. Smile, repeat, ad nauseum...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Broken clocks, more dates and more interviews

Interview tomorrow for a builder. Back in real estate. Exciting and a little anxiety inducing. Where I made a lot of money, was hugely successful, loved my job, and met great people. I pray if this is the right job that the door will be open only wide enough for me to walk through.

Meeting with the Plastic surgery/day spa this week. Hopefully to have a brainstorming, business plan, meeting of the minds to see if this is something that can realistically be a position that I can handle, thrive, excel at.

A lot of resumes went out to some really great businesses in hope that one of these will be the right one for me.

I can't stress how badly I need one of these to be IT for me. A job means productivity, goals, co-workers, staying busy, working towards success, working towards independence. One of them will work out. I know in my gut it will. God's been preparing me for something. I'll wait patiently to see it revealed to me. He knows my worth, he knows my dreams, he knows my talents. He knows what job will be the right fit.

Same with guys and dating. It's lonely not having someone to lean on. I'm lonely not having someone to lean on. I have had a lot of people who lean on me, maybe walk on me, but I guess I've decided thats not to be anymore. I deserve better. I don't deserve to be taken care of out of convienence. I don't deserve to be someones afterthought. I"ve been someones everything. And it feels really nice. What would feel even better is to find my partner that completes the parts of me that are missing or adds to the ones that are lacking. And likewise.

I'm emotional tonight for stupid medical reasons. And that makes me even more angry and emotional. Praying that when the Dr gets back from his vacation we can have a come to Jesus meeting and figure out the best course of action to get my body in tip top shape. Has to be a way.

I miss Jonas. So much today it breaks my heart. So I'm praying for him more today that normal. God will protect him and guard his heart and hold him close.

My dream is that I'm going to be introduced to a man that wont even be a question as to whether he's right for me or not. I'm going to interview for a position and it will be blaringly obvious that the job is for me. And I get a start date. And an income that makes sense for me. And I'll actually start working...

Im not whining, really I'm not. I'm getting all of *this* outside of my head and heart so I can pray w a clear mind. So I can hear the whispers of God's promises without the white noise. I know where I'm going. I know how I'll get there. It's going to be full of surprises but that's ok.

Prayers for patience, understanding, confidence and fortitude are appreciated.

I'm blessed. Emotional if not somewhat neurotic at the moment, but blessed none the less and looking forward with the confidence of knowing that it's out of my hands. God's got it under control. His clock isn't broken, the timing just still isn't right....


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Done with getting over...

My life is about to change. In a lot of ways. I know it, I feel like I'm being prepared for it, it's exciting and also scares the crap out of me. This "meantime" has become my normal. As uncomfortable and ill fitting as it is, it's become known and safe for me. My world's about to get rocked I think.

Some things I'm ready for-

The getting over guys thing, done with it. I'd love to find someone to fall in love with. I've had a few guys fall in love with me over the years, I wonder now, what it would be like to let myself fall. I just find myself getting over, making excuses, and building walls to protect myself from guys that probably, honestly, should never have been that close to me to begin with. But they too were safe I guess. Guys falling in love with you doesn't hurt. It's when you decide that you'll be the one to fall that opens you up to hurt. And to happiness...

The doubting myself thing, done with it. I'm more capable than I allow myself to believe sometimes because it's easier. If the bar is set low then it's hard to fail. And I feel like I've had my lifetime of failures over the past few years. Whether it was my divorce, my finances, losing Jonas, a job, my wasn't how I envisioned my life to be so that equaled failure. I got married because my heart was open and full of hope. My finances were lost because I put other's needs ahead of my own. I lost Jonas because of reasons I'm still sorting out. I lost my job because I wasn't able to give my best, I was going through hell and was trying to survive. And I did. I lost my job but I survived...I'm not blaming others, I'm not playing the victim. I'm recognizing that in order to fail you have to try. And I did. A lot of both. I'm capable of more than I've allowed myself to be. Out of fear. I'm done with that too.

I had someone very special tonight tell me that she looks to my words and thoughts when she feels like giving up. That I somehow always find God's will in whatever I'm going through. No kinder words could be spoken of me. Because that right there is a testament to the prayers, encouragement and belief, in yourself, in your God, in your family....that you can do, you'll be better for it, and if it hasn't killed you yet, chances are good it probably won't.

My life is going to change. It's going to probably get more chaotic before it calms down. There will be scary moments, moments of fear and moments of excitement. I'm ready. My Ralph Lauren bags are packed and I'm getting the heck of of this meantime. I'm done with getting over. I'm on to having better!

Blessed. So blessed and so ok!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I'm special...short bus special!

Tonight I had an "eventerview"at a plastic surgeon place for office manager/sales director. I was thrown into the pit and worked the registration table making name tags. A girl 10 years younger than me hands me two markers and says "dont get them on your skin." I was like, ok mom, thanks. I got 3 purple dots on my hands. I soon realize during the plastic surgeons presentation that the markers are the ones they use to mark up your skin prior to surgery. I'm special!

Fun day though. Got dressed up, went and wined and dined with some old biddies and had some fun learning about all things spa and plastic surgery related. Then spent some time with my girlfriends. All in all, good day. Aside from the part where I got stuck in the parking garage and couldnt find my way out. Every turn I made took me to floor 2, then 3, then 2, then 3. Was *this close* to freaking out.

Have an interview next week for a builder. Ideally the spa thing will work out because it combines all my passions. Sales, bossing people around, and beauty stuff. However, beggers can't be choosers and I'll be happy with whatever direction my life takes as long as it stops at "Employed!"

I'm in a good place. My medical thing seems to be in check for the time being which means my mental health is allowing me to be around the general population and I feel good.

I realize every day how blessed I am. I can't say enough how lucky I am to have the parents I do. They love, trust and encourage me more than I deserve. My friends constantly sing their praises and tell me how blessed I am. I don't need the reminder but maybe they do...

Mom, Dad, you all are amazing friends to the people you know and work with, to your family, to strangers. I've never met 2 more Godly, loving people than you...I'm blessed and fortunate. I hope I make you proud, even though I have more blonde moments than not.

My life's headed in the right direction. I know it is. I have a peace that passes all understanding because nothing has changed really except for how I'm seeing things, perceiving things and receiving things...

Life is what you make of it. I'm trying to make it good, worthwhile and a blessing to others I meet...if that includes some hot men along the way and a job offer or two, I'll count myself doubly blessed!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Larger than life, something heavenly...

"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace...."

I'm dropping out of the school of hard knocks, bad decision, mistakes and sadness. I'm heading for really great things. I know I am. I'm more confidant than I've been in a long time that I'm where I need to be. And I'm giving in. To something Heavenly.

"It's time for a milestone, time to begin again." I know better. I'll do better. "Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?" A little of both, unfortunately. I'd follow, then get frustrated and move aimlessly through my life. It's an awful way to live and it's taken its toll on me emotionally....

"You're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly. Whatever you're doing inside of it feels like chaos but now I can see. This is something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly."

Why was I shown and offered the perfect job that never came to be? I was put thru the ringer. I was on my A game. I was ready to start, hit the ground running. Fell through. I was beyond frustrated and a lot annoyed that this job that was mine was dangled in front of me for no reason....

Maybe it was preparing me for the job I'm about to have. If everything works and falls into place I honestly will be doing my dream job. Nothing that I would have ever looked for or thought too much about but it's funny now to look back over conversations, thoughts, ideas, that I've had and shared with friends and family recently now actually, potentially, turning into something. Bigger than me. Bigger than the dreams I had. Bigger than the places I was sending my resumes everyday. A job that isn't created yet but will be created. By me. For me.

"Time to release all my held back tears..." God's grace and mercy is the reason I'm where I am. Why I wasn't forgotten. Why I get 2nd chances. I don't deserve it. That's the nice thing about grace.

I'm blessed. I'm so truly beyond blessed. I'm ready. I'm excited. I know that my life is now coming together. I feel the pieces fitting. I feel the difference in me. I see the difference in me. I don't know what I'll do when this actually comes together and I have a job that is more than I ever could have imagined. It's the culmination of everything I love. And it's going to be mine. I know it. Tomorrow I'll lay more of the ground work and will close it next week.

I'm excited. I'm actually kind of giddy. This isn't a maybe. This is my time!! Something bigger than me, it's something heavenly inside of me!! And I'm going to go to everything I can to make this mine!

Thank you for your love, prayers, forgiveness and encouragement!! Xo

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'd sure hate to break down here...

I gave my best friend permission to air all my dirty laundry on facebook if she hears a certain someone's name come out of my mouth. Not an awful guy but not good for me. I deserve better.

The "job of my dreams" turned out to be another dead end road paved with pretty lies and broken dreams. To quote Julie Roberts. I had some other opportunities I could have explored within that company but I was impressed with the position, not the people, so I'm moving on. I deserve better.

I have 3 interviews tomorrow. 2 that I'm not overly excited about, 1 that would be a job right up my alley. Director of the office and sales of a plastic surgeon/day spa. Oh yea. I'm not really wanting to be a Internet sales person for cars but I will if I have to. But I know I deserve better.

For the life of me I can't figure out why something hasn't happened for me. The whole guys/dating/blah blah blah I understand. You have to go through a lot of yes, no's, maybe's, not a chances, to get to someone you consider worth you time enough to spend effort on. You'd think finding a job would be the easier of the two. Here's my qualifications, here's my income average, here's my experience. BUT APPARENTLY I'M NOT HIREABLE. Had to get that off my chest. I'm talking to owners of companies. I'm talking to presidents of companies. Something is going to get me out of this rut I'm in, I'm going to make more than I expected, I'm going to have more responsibility than I think I'm capable of, I'm going to be as successful *IF NOT MORE SO* than I was. Because I deserve it, I'm capable of it and I'm worth someone's time and energy to hire me.

Yes I feel like a loser. Yes I feel like a failure. Yes I feel lost and insecure and sad. However, those moments are fleeting because I don't let myself believe them. I'm hot. I'm sassy. I have experience, I can sell anything, I can make people laugh, I can build relationships, I can make people feel great about themselves and I can do more than I give myself credit for.

I'd sure hate to break down here...because I deserve better. And I'll find it.

I'm blessed. I'm not forgotten, I'm moving forward even when it's easier to stay stagnant and I'm faithful that my life is about to change in a really, really positive way. It has to. Because I'm not breaking down. Here or anywhere else. I'm moving forward and I will find the best for me!!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Somethings got to give. Right..!?!!

People all around me are having great things happen to them. I'm happy for them. I know a lot of people who have been looking for the right job, or man, or shoes or whatever for a long time and I like that I'm still able to celebrate their joy and good news with them.

I haven't become bitter. Frustrated, annoyed, impatient...sure. But not bitter. And still optimistic. Which sometimes makes me feel naive. But at least I'm not a naive, bitter pessimist.

Guys come and go. If anyone knows that it's me. I hate when I cant figure out what's going on in the mind of someone I'm seeing. Or more accurately I guess I hate when I won't allow myself to accept who they are showing me they are. Actions, words...yea yea yea.

I'm not waiting for my time anymore. Who knows when that will be. I'm going on interviews, I'm dating, I'm staying busy with friends, I'm trying to better myself on this never ending journey of the meantime.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that I'm still here. It's a fight sometimes to block out the negative thoughts that some people in my life have placed in my mind. But thank God I have enough loving, caring people who have placed encouraging words and love in my heart that negates the bad that seeps in.

I'm emotional right now and that annoys me. Have some stuff going on inside of me that's not right so I'm going to the Dr this week to see if he can figure it out. Hopefully it's an easy fix.

He's just not that into you. You're under qualified. You're overqualified. We went a different direction. I'm just not that into him. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being left behind.

I'm tired of this pity party so I'm going to end on something positive. Even when you realize your value and what you have to offer others whether it's dating, jobs, family, friends...sometimes you'll still be hurt, disappointed and let down. It doesn't mean you've failed. It just means that you still believe that better is out there for you.

I'm blessed. My life is designed with a specific purpose in mind and I know that God hasn't forgotten me. I'll continue to pray, believe, hope and understand that when it's right for me, my life will finally make sense.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I say who! I saw when!! I say who...

Ok so that's maybe not the best quote I can come up with but who doesn't love Pretty Woman. And it's a great reminder. I mean, not in the way she meant of course, but a great reminder none the less. Especially in the world of dating. I will not base my opinion of myself on whether a guy I don't even know all that well calls or doesn't call. I will not feel less than really special if things don't go how I expected with a date. I will not forget that I'm fabulous even when my feelings get hurt and dumb boys make me cry. Because...I control it. I say who. I say when. And I say who!

Who has control over my thoughts, feelings, emotions and day? Me. Other's may influence how I react but I have ultimate control over me. Not hot guy number 1, 2 or 3.

I'm not complaining. This is kind of a preemptive strike. Because in the world of dating one day you cant keep up with the texts and calls and emails from multiple people, then the next day, radio silent.

It won't drive me mad. It won't drive me crazy. The only person who has control is me. So I'll put on my highest heels, my best accessories, my sassiest outfit and will continue to remember that I say who. I say when. And I say who. NOT the other way around.

Blessed, confidant, sassy and expecting and feeling the buzz in the air that somethin's about to change!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Poser no more!

Self acceptance, confidence, or permission to be happy? Yes, yes and yes!

Busyness breeds busyness. Feels good having stuff to do. Feels good to put yourself out there and be well received. Feels even better knowing, believing, that God has said "Finally." It hasn't manifested itself in anything other than me feeling that my time has come.

Getting calls from my resumes. Something is in the works. Perhaps maybe even a start date? Dare I hope? If not that then one that's right for me. I'm confident in that.

Guys are dropping out of the sky. Good guys. Attractive guys. Who are interested in me. Who like who I am and what I have to offer. Did I mention hot guys? I know there's more important things than looks but really people only say that when they aren't happy in the looks department. Of course we went to be respected and loved and taken care of by a Christan family man. And if he's hot...even better.

Butterfly moments have been replaced with hot guy moments. Which I'm totally down with. Funny where I'm meeting these guys. Out at a place I go to listen to live music sometimes. Through a friend. My Service Advisor when I took the Lexus in a few weeks ago. And these are gooood looooking men! I was out with Mindy tonight standing in the parking lot to leave and was telling her a story and this guy walks straight up to me and it was the Lexus guy. And he was all flirty and complimenting my hair and my shoes and my smile, which only made me smile bigger, then he complimented my bigger smile.....this guy is HOT! Stood out there talking for 20 minutes. Flirty. Huggy. Did I mention his dimples and he looked like a hot Harry Connick Jr?! And he's moving to Washington State! Of course.

BUT...I'm letting me be me and look what it's producing. Stuff! Interviews, dates, hot men falling out of the sky. I'm not the Melissa I was. I didn't really give myself permission to become the new Melissa because my circumstances aren't figured out. I don't have a job. I don't have a house. BUT...I do have my personality. I do have my stories that people like to hear. I do have my sense of humor, my compassion, my love for my family, my beliefs, my hopes and my dreams. That's what makes me me...

Crazy that it's taken me this long to see it. Or maybe this long to accept it.

Bottom line is I love myself. I accept myself for who I am right now. That's the shortest sentence of my blog but it's the most important right now and I'm not losing this. Not for a guy, not for a job, not for anything.

You can't love someone until you love yourself...I was looking for someone to fill that void. I did, me. And I'm quite happy with the me that I've grown into.

High heels, great accessories, good hair, big smile, tan. Yes yes yes. Happy, content and excited because I know that my "Finally" is here....more at peace than I've been in a long time.

Blessed, loved and taken care of!

Monday, May 10, 2010

My name's Melissa and I'm an addict...

I'm addicted to guys. I'm addicted to hurting people. With an emphasis on hurting guys. I'll go above and beyond, to the detriment of my own feelings, to help these guys feel better. Also known as "Stray Dog Syndrome."

I thought I'd moved past this. Sad to know that I haven't. Dated a guy. A hot, funny, attractive, fun guy. He was more trouble than he was worth. To most people. To me he was a project who needed fixed, saved, helped.

So what happens? He says things to me that hurt my feelings, I confront him about them and walk away and he blows up my phone with texts of apology before I even leave the parking lot. But I don't need apologies. I don't need someone who will make me cry and go above and beyond and hope for the best. I knew better.

I'm lonely. That's a big red firetruck sign if there ever was one. But I'm also a nurturer and caretaker. I've got to learn that I can't save everyone. I can't bring the strays in and not expect to get eaten up with the mange. I get attached, I want better for them than they want for themselves and I end up with not much more than a bunch of flea bites.

I've got to get past this. I need to get past the circumstances I think I can overcome. Or help them through. I know that I deserve better. I'll find better and I'll be wowed by a guy who wants to take care of me. Not because I'm tan. Not because I'm blonde. Not because of anything other than he sees in me someone who deserves love, respect and admiration....

In the words of Jonny Diaz...

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen
I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care
your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

(CHORUS)There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you'll do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you t
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you

~I'm going to choose to believe this. I've wasted too many tears and had too much heartache over guys that just aren't worth it. I'll still be a good friend. I'll still be a nice person. I just won't put your needs in front of my own, especially when I know you're not worthy or deserving of it.

I'm blessed. Still messed up, obviously, but praying faithfully and expectantly that God will guide me in His will and even when I veer off path, he won't judge or disown, will just nudge me back on track instead.

I'm 31....hopefully soon I'll grow up!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Concierge of crazy

I do a lot for people. I take care of my friends and family. I'm a nurturer and a cake taker, it's what I do. I give more than I get. And I'm done doing it for people that don't reciprocate.

Mother's Day was hard. But I got through it. I continue to get through life.

I'm tired of getting through. I'm ready to live life. I'm not sure how to do that when nothing changes, everything stays the same.

I've invited people into my life who don't deserve to be there. Because I'm bored. Because I've been down on myself. Because I thought maybe attractive by association would be true.

I'm most attractive, most me, most lovable, when I'm busy. When I have stuff going on. When I have multiple outlets for my love, energy, creativity. Right now I've got everything inside me with few outlets and I was trying to make something out of something that never should have been. Because I was bored. I was flattered and I was charmed.

Bored, flattery and charm. 3 tools of the devil. Idle time and all that. Sooo...tomorrow I'm going to find something to do with my time. Something that will bring smiles to others, joy to others, maybe hope to others.

I'm not giving up. I will still be a concierge and help those who need it and will appreciate it. Just, for the last time hopefully, getting the crazy out of my life.

I'm blessed. My heart is heavy right now and I'm fighting the sadness, disappointment and frustration of my current circumstances, but I'm fighting. I will make it through this. And I'll be better for it...

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I've been a lot of things...

I miss being a Mom the most. Mother's Day snuck up on me. Been distracted with nonsense and tonight thought about tomorrow. It sucks. I miss Jonas. Always and every day. I can't remember some things about him and it breaks my heart. Because as an adult I know I remember more than a 5 yr old little boy. I pray he remembers me. I pray he knows in his heart, his mind, his memory...somewhere.

Tonight I saw my best friend with her 2 kids. Saw a friend from long ago who I don't see as often as I wish with her daughter. Talked to a friend who has been special to me for the better part of 10+ years who's in town with her son who's in the hospital. I've got friends, family, who have kids they've lost who are heavy on my heart. Friends who want desperately to have kids but haven't yet been blessed with them yet. You can be a lot of things but being a Mom is the most important and special role you'll ever play. I'll have that chance to be that to someone again. I know I will.

This song was on my mind...

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen... I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know

Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

~Love Sarah McLachlan. She get's me.

Anyhow, I'm blessed with an amazingly patient, honest, giving, selfless Mom. My Nana is also one of the most selfless people I've ever known. I miss Grandma. I have great Aunts. I'm fortunate. I've learned how to be a Mom by some of the best examples I know....

I'm blessed. I'm sad but I'm ok. I'm praying for J on this Mother's Day and I'm praying for myself. That I continue to learn, grow and love!

Friday, May 7, 2010

I got my toes in the water...

Spent the morning with my family and the afternoon at the pool with friends. I really want a job but I figure as long as I'm not working, might as well work on my tan. Beautiful day.

Tomorrow is the boat! Yay! I love boats! And I love being on boats with friends. The past few days has been a weird lesson in something. Lesson is still lost on me. Not great news for my growth.

My Aunt and Uncle were here yesterday and this morning. I love them. I love her, she's always been someone I just connect with, she knows me, she loves me and if anyone in my life can understand the 4000 different emotions I feel at one time, it's her. It's always good for the soul to have a sit down with her.

There's a reason I'm where I am. It doesn't make sense to me and I don't understand it but for whatever reason, I'm here. Should have bought a house in the meantime a long time ago. So frustrating. But, I'm here. I'll make the best and most of it. I won't get comfortable where I'm at, I'll continue to press on and look for better.

I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I was. I look back even a few months ago and see that I've come a long way. When you've traveled on the rocky road that I have, baby steps matter. I feel like I'm getting my footing under me and I'm ready for new ground.

Please God, bring on new ground!

Still blessed, loved and understood. And that is huge!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Bang bang what, and Cinco De Mayo is when?

Many years ago I dated a guy when I was much younger and more naive than I am now. I asked him when Cinco de Mayo was and he answered patronizingly that it was May 5th. I commented something to the effect of was it that time every year. He broke it down for me. Long time joke with my friends how blonde I am. Last week I asked a friend when Cinco de Mayo was and he answered "May 5th" and he couldn't understand why I couldn't stop laughing. Oh my friends understand me so well.

I don't like white stuff. No surprise to anyone who knows me. So my oath today was I'm not celebrating Cinco de Mayo because it has the word "mayo" in it. However, I'm at my best friends and they cook like rockstars. I had carrots with a white dipping something or other. And David made bang bang shrimp that would make Bonefish jealous. Both had white stuff in it. And I ate it. Growth!

I love my best friend. And I love her husband. She gives me the me reality and he gives me the man reality on my life. Both are equally helpful and insightful.

Had kind of a weird day. I'm learning lessons from all the people in my life, from crazy to sane, and they are all helping me be more me. David explained the male perspective and apparently since he's been married to my best friend for a few years he knows me better than I'd like to admit. And Whit knows me better than anyone. They both gave me a good talking to and I gained a new perspective on things.

Life is crazy how it works. A few years ago I had a little boy on my hip calling me Mom Missy who was my world. Today I had Trey at the store with Whit and took him to the car with him on my hip, unloading groceries. Just reaffirmed everything I've known. I'm a mom. I will be a mom and I'll be happy, full filled and content. But for the time being I can be fun Fun Aunt Miss who lets him get away with more than Mommy or Daddy does...he loves me! And Arden is still young but so cute and soon she'll have the Aunt Miss influence showing in her.

Groundhog's day isn't choosy. It can be the single girl looking for love and a job, a mother who takes care of kids or a grandmother who loves and worries about her family day in and day out. Life is what it is. What we can do is make the best of it and I'm making the best of it with the best people I know.

I'm blessed. I'm hopeful for my future, trying not to over analyze my present and thankful that my past has taught me what I know, what I believe and what I will change for my future. I have great people who support me. If everyone could be so lucky...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ohh blah. At least I have sassy shoes!

Trying so hard to be optimistic. Really. I am. Life makes it's tough.

I've been out of work for 15 months. And people who are out of work or have been out of work understand. You're either under qualified, over qualified or have an email response to a resume you sent out that goes something like this..."Your resume is extremely impressive, your accomplishments are above and beyond and you seem intelligent, persist ant and talented. Now, let me tell you all the negatives about this job, and if I were you I'd probably pass :) (yes he put a smiley face) but if you're still interested I'd love to interview you." Uh huh. This is what happens in the land of bizarro world that I reside in.

Also tonight I realized I need a hobby that doesn't include testosterone. Good distraction for a moment but then my care taking nurturing stray dog syndrome kicks in and I get attached. To guys I need not get attached to. "You choose who you date, not who you fall in love with." Best advice Mom ever gave me. And I'm no where close to being in love with anyone but I certainly am in a like stage with a few people. Thin ice. I hate thin ice. I have an attorney that won't call me back, a boss who goes MIA, a guy who I'm interested in who is a bad boy wanna be who really is sensitive and caring and a guy who has his life completely on track. But they are all driving me mad!!

Going to see the best friend tomorrow and she always helps me put things in perspective.

I'm blessed. Even when I'm crazy and feeling neurotic I know that my life could be a lot worse. I'd like it to be a lot better. So ready for it to be better. Please continue to pray for my sanity, my job, and my parents. After all, they are the ones who get to deal with me everyday!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Clock's not working...

Because according to my clock, phone, calender and anything else I've looked at, it's showing it's May 3. Not possible, because I can't have been out of work THIS LONG!!

Groundhog day. Hated the movie, hate living it every single day. Nothing changes. It's driving me mad! By the time my friends get out of work I'm blowing up their texts trying to find something to do, to get me out of the house. This is the longest stretch I've been without a job and not gone to KY. Maybe a trip North is in order.

Guys are still driving me a little mad as well. I know I need to stop being so abrasive and quick to cut someone off when they do or don't do something I think they should, or shouldn't. I wear my heart on my sleeve, however, when it comes to talking to guys about my feelings...14' concrete walls go up immediately around me. We can talk about sports, family, shoes, food, whatever...ask me what I'm feeling and I'm going to shut down. Tick me off and I'm going to shut down. I'm a work in progress....clearly.

Sent out a fresh batch of resumes. Again. Something will happen. And something will happen soon. I will find a man I like who treats me as I should be treated. I will find a job that challenges me, HIRES ME WITH A START DATE, and pays me well. I'm getting the heck out of the meantime even it it kills me. Hasn't yet, odds are good that it probably wont.

I get sad, frustrated, melancholy, annoyed, and over it. But then I sit back and gain some perspective and realize I do have things I need to get in order but as I've done what I can do I'll continue to wait out this meantime.

I can't get mad that 2 attractive, successful men find me funny and want to spend time with. I can't get upset that I have great friends who talk me down from the ledge. And I can't be anything other than completely humbled to know that there are people I don't even know praying for my strength, that I keep fighting, keep growing and keep moving forward.

I'm blessed. More and more everyday blessed. Today it was a great hair day and it may not be much but it was good enough for me. Tomorrow the bar will slightly be raised.

Baby steps. But they're still moving me in the right direction. Either on my knees in prayer or walking with one foot in front of the other. Moving forward and not looking back Without a map. I'd say all things considered, I'm doing alright!!

Tomorrow will be better!