Monday, May 28, 2012

Crap, minutia and sales

I went to a funeral of a friend's uncle this weekend.  It was sad, as funerals are.  More sad because he was young and it was completely unexpected.  Made me think, as funerals often do. 

I have to figure out a way to make life more livable when the crap hits the fan.  As it seems to be hitting more often with more force, I don't need to be wasting time, tears and energy on the minutia.  And it's all minutia at this point. 

My crap.  I have some people who won't talk to me.  I have some people I don't see.  I have guilt because I feel like part of the issues are because of ways I handled setbacks in my life.  My setbacks.  My life.  Years ago.  Like 5 years ago.  So I don't know how much guilt I should allow myself because if we're being honest some people need to grow up and move on.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  Would be sad to have lost out on time with those you should love and hold dear because your ego is too big to say I was wrong, or I'm sorry, or I forgive you.  Just my 2 cents.

Other crap.  People who go out of their way to make life difficult.  I'm not really sure of the agenda of these people.  If it's to make me or Jason look bad, it's backfiring.  If it's to drive a wedge between me and Jason, that's not working either.  We get together and laugh at the crazies and then do what best friends who are married to each other do.  Have fun.  Laugh.  Talk about dreams and disappointments and kids and family and friends and how lucky we are to have each other. 

We've kind of decided, collectively, that we can either let the crazy get to us or we can decide to not let it get to us.  We are both kind people but I can promise that we won't be run over.  It takes a lot to get a rise out of him but when you do...oh buddy, it's a rise.  He's a good man.  He's a great man.  He's my man!  I love it!

Trying to figure out how to come up with a large sum of money to fund our dream.  Garage and bake sales won't make the cut I'm afraid.  I don't know how normal people do this.  We'll figure it out though, we always do.  We're resourceful like that.  And the desire for my baby is stronger than ever.  God is feeding that dream.  We'll figure it out. 

It's Memorial Day.  Thanks for all those who are or have served.  Freedom is a beautiful thing.

Next Holiday is July 4th and can't get hear fast enough.  A week camping on the beach with my hot man, our kids, and friends is exactly what we need right now!

Where are the buyers?  Anyone out there listening?  Come buy a house from me.  K, thanks!

Crap hits the fan.  I'm getting better at dealing with it.  If you join in on the crazy, it makes you crazy.  If you pray for your enemies, frenemies, family a strange thing happens.  Your frustration and anger turns to something different.  A desire that they find the peace and understanding that only comes from knowing that God being in control is so much easier than white knuckling your way through life.  We all know how fun it is for everyone to be around a control freak who feels like they are losing control.  Does sarcasm translate through a blog?

Blessed because even though more shady, snarky, mean people are annoying me than not these days I still have all I need and more than I deserve.   And one day soon I will be pregnant with my man's baby!  Good times, they're a comin'!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Haters gonna hate...

If you read this blog and feel like I'm talking about you, today there is a great chance I am.  No apologies.  You read my blog, you get my thoughts.  It's funny because yesterday a good friend of mine asked me about my blog.  She wanted to know what kind of flak I got from it.  I was honest and told her there's a few select people that make the blog about them and try to make it into something it isn't but that the people who encourage me, email me, text me and call me with their own stories make it worth it.  So I keep doing it.  Boy was the timing on that funny. 

Yesterday was a hard day.  I've never worked so hard to continue to go in circles.  The real estate market is definitely improving but with sales comes issues and troubles and headaches.  Yesterday was all that and more served up in a big bow!  BUT I love my job and am so thankful I work for such a great company and can get paid for doing something I love.

I'm part of an infertility group I didn't expect to be in.  I don't lay around crying, I don't have to force myself to get out of bed, I don't cry to the heavens asking why me?  I do get upset when I get wrong information like a surgery is going to be $5000 instead of $1000.  That sucks.  I do get frustrated when I'm told something is an option that is less expensive and less invasive then find out it's not.  This took the wind out of our sails.  Of course.  Right now we are still in the discovery phase of finding out info and costs and blah and I do wonder, often, what our baby story will be but I, nor Jason, are miserable. 

I don't need your platitudes.  Do you even know what that means?  No?  Didn't think so.  Sorry, that was directed at one reader.  Attn you- I don't need your fake niceness.  What I do need is for people that read this blog with the intent of using it to try to hurt me or Jason to just do us all a favor and go away. 

Life has too many hurts and headaches to keep adding to it with stupid people.  Jason and I have a beautiful life.  We really do.  We laugh sometimes at the way it has all played out.  We had such miserable lives before we found each other, married to the wrong people,  dealing with crap that comes from divorce and yada yada yada and then we find each other and that's all she wrote. 

We are happy.  We are healthy.  We have frustrations that come with jobs, life, family, and disappointments but we are happy.  Life happens.  We both had to go through hell to get where we are.  Jason has 3 beautiful kids out of that.  I have battle wounds that have made me stronger for what we are facing now.  So for whatever reason we are going through struggles we know, because we have lived it, that beautiful will come out of suffering.  And man did we suffer. 

It's not always easy to keep on keeping on.  It's not always easy to take the higher ground.  Believe me, it's not easy.  But I'm trying.  God is up to something. I know that.  Satan is on the attack.  I know that too.  But I also know that whatever is thrown at us and whatever we face, we are facing it together and it will bring us closer.  Haters gonna hate.  It's ok if that's their hobby.  I have more important things to do.  Like work.  Like enjoy my life.  Like spend time with my handsome man, and our friends, and our family. 

I'm blessed because the crazy people are a reminder that I could always be worse off.  And today that is good enough for me!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Fake due dates, snakes and dumb people

To say I'm on edge would be an understatement.  To say I'm always on the verge of tears is pretty accurate.  To say my life is total chaos is valid.

Last night was a terrible day.  Got home and the house smelled like poop.  Brand strikes again.  Had to wait on Jason to get home to help me clean up the mess so the girls and I sat on the back porch because the smell was rank.  We got the dog cleaned, got the floor mopped, homework done and the dog pukes.  Then I have 3 kids and a husband gagging.  I told them all to go to the bathroom if they were going to barf so they all take off that direction.  Fab.

Today I felt good.  Had on a cute dress, hair look good, jewelry was perfect.  Mom got an award at work she didn't know she was getting, so Jason, Dad and I surprised her there.  She was shocked and confused.  Then her boss started talking about a servant's heart and how this person does so much for other's and I looked over and saw her crying so I grabbed her hand.  It's sometimes hard to accept the good that other's see in us when we are faced with hard times.  No one is more deserving of such a big time award than my mom and I thank God that she was able to see what other's have always seen in her.  A Godly, caring, loving, completely unselfish person.  Way to go Mom!

The day went downhill from there.  I was walking out of one of my models with a coworker and she grabbed my hand and looked freaked.  I looked behind me and saw a huge lizard and laughed, silly D.  I kept walking and she couldnt talk, just looked a little panicked.  I didnt see the snake that I was about to walk into.  Awesome!

Had an event after work and was there with 100 of my closest friends.  I'm at a table with 5 or 6 professional people and someone walks up to me and says, you dont recognize me, do you?  I said, no I'm sorry, I don't.  She said, Oh I'm your landlord.  Hello, welcome to 2012, no one says that anymore!  Mortified.  Thanks lady for letting everyone know I am no longer a homeowner but a renter.  Blah.

So I grab a glass of wine, brush myself off and go mingle.  Right into the lion's den.  Another clueless lady walks over and I've done business with her before and she was clearly enjoying the free bar and we start chatting.  Then she asks when I'm due.  Awesome!  Well at this point I want to start crying and burn the high waisted babydoll dress I was wearing.  So I didn't want her to feel stupid so I quickly say "June."  She looks at my non 9 month pregnant stomach and the glass of wine I'm holding and think, Ok, she realizes her mistake.  Nope.  Do you know what you're having?  Where is your dr located.  HUMILIATED!  Not only did I lie, I told the lady I was due in 2 weeks.  And even with my way overstimulated stomach from 2 months of shots that makes me quite bloated, best I look 4 months pregnant.  I'm special.  She says, alright, if I don't see you before, good luck.  Mortified.  How I explain to her next time I see her and still not pregnant nor with a baby on my hip, I'm not sure.  But hopefully the wine haze will erase her mind of that memory.

Then I notice some people chatting about me not so behind my back.  One overheard the conversation about my faux pregnancy and asked someone else who I guess explained to them that I wasn't not only not pregnant but not able to get pregnant right now and that pretty nearly sent me over the edge.  The mean people I know will have a field day that someone thought I was pregnant when I'm not.  Those people feel free to text me and I'll be happy to tell you where to go. 

Speaking of mean people...still don't like the lazy, the selfish.  That hasn't changed. 

Moral of the story...if you are going to lie to spare someone's feelings when they have asked a potentially embarrassing question, be quicker on your feet. 

Blah blah blah.

Still waiting to hear back from the dr on the laundry list of questions that I asked.  Still trying to figure out what direction God wants us to walk in.  This is hard.  Everyday is hard.  I see more pregnant people on a daily basis than I ever have before in my life.  I have a stressful job.  I have stress in my life from selfish mean people that make me sad.  Same as everyone else.  Everyone is facing something, right? 

Blessed because I waited until I got away from the crowd to break down.  Pathetic maybe but jacked up on hormones wanting something desperately and dealing with humiliation, that is enough for me right now.

Tomorrow will be better. 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Happy Mother's Day. 

Mother's Day is a weird day for me.  I had years when I wasn't a mom, obviously.  Then I had years where J made me Mother's Day gifts and cards that meant the world to me.  Then it was a bitter reminder of what I had lost.  The past few years the kids have made me cards, Jason has gotten me sweet cards and gifts and it was a good day again.

Yesterday was bittersweet for me.  I thought a lot about the woman in my life who have been so special to me.  Who have spent countless hours in prayer, for me.  It's always a humbling thought to know that someone has taken time out of their day to pray for you. 

Yesterday was a hard day for a lot of people I'm sure.  Those who have lost their moms, those who have lost their children.  I will never understand those who can take for granted the good people they have in their lives. 

2 girls I know lost their dads very unexpectedly.  I can't imagine anything worse than losing someone I love so much, hold so near and dear to my heart.  Here then gone.  Devastated for those friends.  I am Daddy's little girl.  My Mom is my go to person to talk to about everything.  She's talked me off more ledges than I can remember and we laugh and share things together.  My Nana is my heart.  My husband is my very best friend and my rock.  I can't imagine losing that. 

Stepping up on my soapbox...
Treat people better. Stop holding grudges, stop being mean, stop doing things with a hidden agenda.  It's hard to be judged for not playing by the rules you expect when you don't share the rules of your game.  Better still, stop playing games.  Love the people in your life.  Make the decision to let bygones be bygones and forgive.  You can't forget?  Maybe someone hurt you so bad that you can't forgive.  Ok!  Grow up enough to realize that people make mistakes.  But for the love of everything, recognize the parents, friends, spouse, kids, or whoever that you have in your life that cares about you and forgive them and move on!

I'm facing some tough decisions right now.  Luckily I have an amazingly handsome, supportive man facing those decisions with me.  Adoption is scary.  2nd opinions are confusing.  New information of things you thought weren't an option that are suddenly an option are exciting.  Maybe.  Can't get too excited because you don't know.  Life is full of things you don't know.  Whether it's infertility, unemployment, cancer, whatever, there's a lot of unknowns. 

I'm going to make the decision to focus on what I do know.  I have a heavenly Father who loves me and wants the best for me.  He won't lead me down the wrong path if I'm seeking the right one.  I have parents who would and have done anything they can for me.  I hope and pray that they know how much they mean to me, my husband, our kids and so many others.  I have a Nana who I pray can feel my arms around her in the biggest hug she deserves.  I have 3 kids that look to us for love, encouragement and direction.  If I focus on what I don't have, I'm losing sight of all I do.

Move on.
Love the people in your life that matter most.
Show the people who matter most that you love them.
Don't sweat the small stuff.  If it's all small stuff then figure out what you can stop sweating and start there.
Stop judging.
Stop hurting others.
Stop hurting yourself,
Start believing that better will find you when you're in a place to accept it.

If you woke up tomorrow with only what you'd thanked God for yesterday...what would you have?

I'm blessed because I know all I have and I'm thankful for it.  Everyday.  And if tomorrow I woke up with only that, I'd have way more than I ever deserved.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Dreams, diets and 2nd opinions

This trying to lose weight while your hormones are jacked up is for the birds.  I've been eating salads, drinking my weight in water (that number keeps going up,) working out and nothing!  I am usually someone that can lose weight quickly!  Give me 5 days and I'll be down 10 lbs.  I woke up this morning and got on the scale and nothing!  Hadn't moved.  I was furious.  Then a little panicky.  Everyone says it gets harder to lose weight the older you get, had it happened over night?!  Then a few hours later, aunt Flo came to town and I realized why I've been feeling like I want to be off to myself, bloated and crabby.  Bless Jason's heart.  So, we aren't pregnant with a miracle baby and I know why I have gained weight this week.  Ebbs and flows.  Haha.  Literally!

The other night I had a dream about the other Dr B in my life, my obgyn.  Hadn't really thought about him in awhile bc this time last year is when he referred me to Dr B.  I decided to stop at Starbucks on my way to work, it hadn't been in the budget for the past few months but I found a gift card so decided to go.  I went in and ordered my iced skinny vanilla latte and look over to where you pick your drink up and Dr B is there.  The Dr B from my dream, not the Dr B I have seen constantly over the past few months.  I didn't know if he'd recognize me and I am not one of those "I know you, do you know me?!" kinda people so I wasn't going to say anything to him.  He waves to me so I walk over and he says "hey there, how you been?"  We chit chatted and I asked what he was up to and he said "Well I really shouldn't be here as I am running late and am needed shortly for a delivery but I had to have my coffee."   He got his coffee and was off with a wave and a see ya soon.  Luckily before I blurted out that I had a dream about him the night before.  I am brain fried and stupid and that isn't out of the realm of things I've been known to say to people.  But regardless, random!

We are considering a 2nd opinion.  Just to make sure that we are on the right path, that the opinions are in line with each other, yada yada.  Been praying still and always, for guidance and direction.  We're weighing options, schedules, timing, finances, loans, success rates and so much more to make sure we are making the right decision for ourselves, our family and our future babies. 

In the mean time we are also looking at adoption.  Our companies help with some of the adoptions costs so we are info gathering on that.  Did you know there are adoption factories in other parts of the world?  Factories!  How sad!  And some countries the kids are horribly mistreated and most all have emotional problems.  Other countries they are seemingly heathy and well adjusted.  How would you ever make a decision like that?  What country to get a child from?!  Do you choose one who is easier to love or one who would seem needed it more?

Could have been a fluke that I had a dream about Dr B and then see him a few hours later in a place I hadn't been in months, in a place he shouldnt have been because he was running late.  But I think it was just another butterfly moment from God saying, "Hellooooo, still here.  And still in control of all this for ya!"  He is the Dr that will be seeing me through my pregnancy.  He is the dr that will deliver my baby!  I firmly believe that God showed me him when I needed a nudge in the direction of standing in the promise of having our own baby, from my own body, from the Dr I love so much!

Just had a buyer in my model.  She started crying because her son lied to her and she was heartbroken.  She kept saying, she loves her son, why would he hurt her, why would he lie to her?  Broke my heart because all I could do was hug her, tell her I was sorry and that it hard when people we love hurt us. 

A friend of mine is going through the pain of a miscarriage.  I can't imagine.  My pain was great when I faced that before but it pales to this.  I can't imagine what that would be like now.  To want something so badly, to pray for something and to finally have it just to lose it.  It's hard to feel God's will in that, even when we know it's there. 

Be kinder than necessary to others. You never know what kind of battles they are facing.

I'm blessed because even though I'm growing by the day and not from the reason I would have hoped, I have enough good things in my life to keep me happy!  Today it is fab hair and great shoes and for today, that's enough!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Dog poop, disappointments and the brown folder

When Satan starts attacking it usually means it's because God is up to something.  Right?!  If the past few days are any indication, we are on the path to some major blessings!

The appointment yesterday for the IVF class was disappointing to say the least.  I begrudgingly went because I had to.  Specifically asked for a nurse we know because if I had to go thru this I at least wanted someone I knew and trusted.  Got there and that nurse was at the other location.  Of course.  The class was supposed to last 2 hours because they cover everything from shots, to financing, to options.  We were in and out in 45 mins.  The nurse looked like she was going to panic when I started crying.  Asking the stupid question of, are you ok?  No, sweetheart, I'm not ok.  (still angry)

No one from billing was available to answer questions. Some of the questions I asked were answered with a blank stare and a "good question, I'll find out." I asked how normal people afford this and was told "yea, it's really expensive."  There's a scene from a movie I've seen where someone is slurping soup and the main lady is staring a hole into their head and all the sudden their head explodes.  Yea, I lived that.  Blank stare, good questions...not exactly a comforting appt for something that to me is so hugely important.  I left with the dreaded brown folder I saw so many other couples with at the last scan appt and a billion questions with no answers.

I cried all day and night.  I couldnt help it.  This is overwhelming.  Do you pay for 3 cycles so you get the discount or do you hope and pray that 1 cycle will be enough.  Have to sign up for a genetic test kit to swab my mouth for dna to see if I'm a carrier of cystic fibrosis.  Blood work papers.  A timeline of what the next 2 months will look like.  The knowledge that the 5 days of 1 shot a day that I had before would increase to 10 days of 3 shots a day.  Jason thought I was crazy before?  Ha!  What about adoption vs IVF?  What about the miscarriage rate with IVF?  How does that factor into the decision of 1 cycle vs 3?  I don't know if this would have been so overwhelming if I didn't fully expect to be pregnant now by easier means.

Where is God in all of this?  That's what I'm trying to figure out. Not that I think God has left me or forsaken me at all.  But where is He in this?  How do we make a decision?  Do we trust that God will heal Jason and we'll have a baby with no help and try that way?  Do we trust that the first round of IVF will work and explore that?  Is there a baby or more somewhere in the world that we are supposed to adopt?  I don't want to go outside of God's will for us.  This is the most important decision I've ever prayed about. 

Today Brand pooped in his cage.  Then he laid in it.  Then it looked like maybe he danced around as well.  It was disgusting.  So before I leave for work I help carry the crate out, with the dog in it, sliding back and forth in the poop that is smeared on the pan, and leave Jason to tend to the kids and the dog.  Then he leaves for tball and left the bat bag at home.  I get to work and get an email that my best prospect bought from someone else.  Then I got 2 more emails of much the same.  Get back up, trip.  Get back up, fall on your face.  Get back up, face a mound of dog poop.  But I'm getting back up. AND I haven't cried today.

God is in this.  I know He is.  This won't break us. I know it won't.  Somehow this will be used for His glory, I just know it. 

We will add to the chaos of our family.  The kids, the dog, the jobs, the husband, the never ending loads of laundry, the never ending pressure to sell homes I place on myself, the desire to be a better Christian, wife, daughter, friend...this is one more thing on my plate that gives me the opportunity to see how God will best use me, guide me and bless me through it. 

I'm blessed because today I haven't cried.  And that's a big blessing to everyone I'm around.  My smile is back today.  My belly laugh can't be far behind.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Big girl panties

This has been a rough few days.  I know from experience the 2nd and 3rd day after surgery is more rough than the day of surgery.  Same with getting bad news it seems. 

Monday I was in shock I think.  A lot of tears shed and questions floating around and more tears shed but Jason and I pulled together, comforted each other and felt confident we would be one of the couple who takes infertility in stride.  We are so strong, nothing can touch us.  Ha.  Hahahaha.  Oh, infertile novices we are.

Tuesday at work pretty much everyone I saw asked what was wrong.  Was I ok?  Did I feel bad?  What was on my mind.  Well acting isn't in my future as I felt I was doing a pretty good job of fooling everyone.  And I wore my biggest earrings to distract from my puffy eyes.  I pretty much couldnt stop crying all day.  Makes for working a full 8 hours and then going to an after hours work event fun. 

Wed was much of the same except I went from feeling sad to being angry.  I have someone who should be a no brainer to call for questions but that isn't an option for me to call.  Want to send hate mail.  I dare you to pull out in front of me.  Try it.  Put mayo on my sandwich by mistake and better run fast!  I'm furious that someone who should be part of our lives isn't but makes themselves part of other's, it makes me want to beat someone.  Completely normal, no?

I trust God and I know somehow this is part of His plan for us so that means I shouldn't be crying, right?  I mean, it's everyday that you are told as you're sitting on a table preparing to get pregnant that not only will you not be getting pregnant that day but for you to get the thing you want most in the world is going to cost more than a car, with no insurance help, but HEY, It's part of a plan so just keep it together AUGHHHHH! 

Today was sad and angry.  And guilt.  Because I'm picking fights with my husband.  This is Melissa.  This is Melissa on hormones.  This is Melissa on hormones dealing with all kinds of crazy stuff.  Yikes!  Not pretty.  I won't be offended if you see me on the street and run into a store.  I'm a freak.  I get it.

See? Angry. Not proud of the emotions but this is an honest blog. Not woe is me though. Never has it entered my mind, why me? Why us? Why not us? We're strong. We have a strong foundation, we have a relationship that starts with Christ. We have family to support us. I firnly believe that God is guiding our steps and leading us down the right path. Still doesnt stop the grieving process that we are going through with this.

Jason has been so encouraging. SO amazingly encouraging. Through his stress and pain and fears, he's encouraging me. That certainly doesnt help the waterworks but I would not change a thing.

This is lonely.  Man is this lonely.  This happens to all kinds of people everyday.  But this has never happened to me.  Or Jason.  So we are processing. And dealing best we can.  I know all about being judged for handling things differently than other people would who have been through it.  OR from people who have never been through it but read about it once.  OR from people who are just mean and like to make others cry.  Lonely!.  Getting on forums to find out other people's journey is downright depressing.  People don't know what to say so most say nothing.  Other's encourage you which is lovely and kind but catch me on the upswing of a mood swing or a crying fit and it will make me cry harder because I really just want to crawl in a hole and hide.  Crazy?  Yes!

I appreciate all the prayers.  I appreciate that I have a loving, kind, comforting husband.  I am so thankful for the family and friends I have seeing me through this. 

Jeremiah 29:11 (my interpretation) "For I know the plans I have for Jason And Missy, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper us and give us a bright hope and future."  To prosper and give us hope.  Not show us babies through dreams I have every night because we won't have one of our own.  My God isn't a mean God.

Today I took some time alone.  Went to the pool, went to the grocery store.  It was hard.  I've been such a happy person lately I've forgotten what it feels like to be sad.  To not have a belly laugh.  To have my smile not reach my eyes.  BUT I have been here before and I got through it.  This time I have my best friend nudging me along the way. 

Tomorrow I go to the IVF class to find out everything I never wanted to know about having a baby this way.  I'll put on my big girl panties and go by myself and know that this too is part of God's plan. 

I'm blessed because I know that even through the tears God is encouraging me and preparing me for the road ahead.  I'll be wearing high heels during my pregnancy, maybe He's just building up my endurance now for the road ahead. 

Blessed. Still and always.