Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm Melissa and I am infertile

5000+ page views. Yowza!

What an emotional few days.  I have cried more tears this week than I have in a long time.  It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  It's run the gamut this week of pretty much anything and everything that life has to offer, good, bad and ugly, being thrown at us.  We handled it like champs.  Haha, right.

Today I took a day to myself.  Massage, beach, shopping.  It was healing.  I prayed a lot.  I thought a lot of everything.  Then I nearly died.  No joke.  I went to the beach and it was freakin hot.  I went to cool off in the ocean and was nearly swept to sea.  Not exaggerating.  Debbie's affects are still being felt here.  The first wave knocked me down (in water up to my shins) then the undertow pulled me down.  That happend like 5 times. I couldn't stand up to save my life.  Literally.  When I finally did stand up my bathing suit bottoms were down, my bathing suit top was up, I looked like I got into a cat fight with 100 caged animals from all the seashells on the ocean floor.  So I look up and since I was only 5' out into the water everyone had a front row to the disaster that was just me, I did what any trainwreck would do.  I curtsied. 

A friend invited me to a fertility group tonight.  I so appreciate that she thought of me.  I've been praying for someone who knows what I'm going through.  I got about 20 someone's who know exactly what I'm going through all in one room, together, sharing through stories, tears and prayer. 

One lady said tonight that she read that God shows you things through tear filled eyes that you can't always see through clear vision.  If that is true, I should have 20/20 vision right now.  As much as I wanted to find a group like I went to tonight, it was an internal battle to go.  Admitting is the first step, right?  Going to a group of woman who had such personal stories of such huge proportions was humbling.  I'm glad I didn't flee like I wanted to when I was sitting in my car for 20 minutes trying to will myself to go inside.

Today I went and got a 2 hour massage.  I've been getting regular massages for 12 years.  I like deep tissue massages to get the kinks out. I always feel like I got hit by a mack truck when I leave, I have some serious kinks.  I thought the mark of a good massage releasing the toxins had to be painful.  I was wrong.  I've had hundreds of massages over the years that hurt me and offered a little relief.  Today my masseur gave me a 2 hour massage that hit all the right spots, never once hurt, was relaxing at the same time as healing and I left feeling better than I have ever felt after a deep tissue massage.

There's a lesson there.

Sometimes things that help us have to hurt.  Sometimes the things we want most, need most, bring pain through the process.  I learned today that's not always the case.  I learned tonight a bigger lesson.

Jason and I have been through it lately.  We have been through ups and downs of so much.  This is where the healing begins.  Everything that makes us feel better, everything we want to have so desperately sometimes hurts.  But it doesn't have to.  I am supposed to start IVF in August and being completely honest, I've been terrified.  I'm scared of what the hormones are going to do to me.  Physicall, emotionally.  I'm scared that we are going to pay all this money and won't get the baby we want so wholly.  I'm scared that I'm going to lose myself in trying to create this baby. 

God doesn't want to hurt me through this process.  Satan wants to hurt me through this process.  As evidenced by the grenades he's been tossing us.  One lady tonight said when thoughts come into our minds, we need to figure out first who they are from.  They are either from God or from Satan.

I don't deserve a baby.  Satan.
This is too much money to spend when it could fail.  Satan
Why keep trying when all it brings it hurt and pain?  Satan
Melissa is a liar.  Satan
Melissa doesn't deserve the life she has been given.  Satan

For I know the plans I have for you..God
You will mount up with wings as eagles...God
You will never be alone...God

I think because things have been so hard lately I've just come to expect heartache.  That's 100% Satan.

I have a husband who is so completely supportive of me.  He is my defender.  He won't let one person utter 1 untruth about me.  He protects me from hurt.  He takes on pain to ease it from me.  I can say, sure as I'm sitting here, if he could switch places with me and go through the shots and emotions and fear that I'm facing, he would in a second.  God blessed me with the most amazing gift I've ever been given.  Thomas Jason Neu.  Warmly known as, Swift.  I so love that man.  Fertilty, life struggles, people trying to tear us apart.  It's all real.  What's more real is what we have and things that Satan uses to drive a wedge God has used over and over and over to use as a bridge to bring us closer than I ever really thought possible.

I don't know what our baby story will be.  I don't know how the next several months will play out.  But I know that as big as this feels, as overwhelming as it is, as everything is right now, it doesn't have to hurt.  I'm getting an internal deep tissue massage. The toxins are being worked out in a very real way.  God is preparing us for more.  So much bigger are God's plan for me and Jason than I can even begin to understand.

I'm blessed because when I most need it, whatever "it" is, God gives it to me in a really big way!  As evidenced by my suntan, my unsore worked out muscles and a heart that knows that whatever I need, God will be the one to provide.  Always! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cat scratches to tend to..xo

Sunday, June 24, 2012


I don't believe in Karma.  I believe in something much bigger.  Much more powerful than karma.  Karma is for sissies.  Karma is for people who believe they can live life however they want and blame the bad things that happen to people on karma.  Not me.

Life has been hard lately.  One person is making our life as hard as it she can.  Karma isn't going to get her.  I don't believe that.  I believe that something much bigger will intervene. I believe that when you spend your time and energy on bad, bad will happen.  I believe that when you focus on good, good will happen.  Will bad things happen?  Sure they will.  Because life happens.

God is working in my life.  Yesterday I was discouraged because work has been hard.  It's not because of karma that I haven't gotten sales.  In the real world things happen that don't always go the way we want because things outside of our control are always at play.  Satan is ALWAYS looking for an in.  Satan is ALWAYS looking for someone he can use to do his evil work.  His people are working overtime in our lives right now.  So be it. 

On the way to work yesterday I prayed that I would be encouraged.  I needed it.  Got to work and was met with a beautiful email sent to the owner of my company and my boss telling them about a homeowner's experience with me.  It made me cry.  As I was drying my tears, another homeowner dropped off a letter they asked me to send to the owner of my company and my boss.  Telling them about the great experience I had given them buying their home.  Encouraged!!  Not through sales, through kindness.  The sale came today.  In the form of a family looking for a home that walked out of my office 3 hours later with a home they will call their own.  That wasn't karma coming my way.  That was God coming my way. 

I came home to a beautiful family.  I lost a family before.  That wasn't because of karma.  That was because I married a man that chose to find another person while we were still married.  I married a man who had the same fate.  We found each other.  Not because of karma.  Because God saw 2 people who had enough battle scars and wounds to be able to come together to fight their way through life, together, building a beautiful life with each other. Without ever giving up on each other, or going outside of our marriage vows when times get tough.  Karma had nothing to do with it.  It was God.

Tonight it was said that I didn't have a baby of my own because of karma.  Wrong again, sister.  I haven't had a baby of my own, yet, because God is at work for much bigger things in my life.  Had I not had a miscarriage I know my life would be much different.  I'd have forever been attached to a man that was not a good person and who made life so incredibly difficult. I didn't understand it during that loss but I see it clearly now.  God was saving me sharing the experience of being a mom with the most incredible man I have ever know.  Karma has nothing to do that.  God has everything to with it.

I want to caution you about playing games with God.  Simply, He doesn't play games.  Ever.  Have I made bad decisions in my life?  Of course.  More than I'd like to think about or care to admit.  What have I done to grow as a Christian?  I've taken the bad influences out of my life.  I've gained a personal, real, living relationship with Christ.  Am I ashamed of how I've handled life at times?  Of course. 

A good friend reminded me of this tonight. 1 John 1:9 "God does not hold grudes for poor decisions and actions that we have made, He has forgiven us if we have asked for it."  She reminded me also that everything I am going through is part of God's plan for me and not, in fact, a result of karma.

I don't know why life is so hard right now.  It's outside people making it hard for us.  They are running from their bad choices and trying to project that onto me.  That won't happen.  God has a divine plan for me.  For Jason.  For our kids.  For ALL our kids.  The ones we don't have yet, that are only a dream and a hope that we pray for daily.  God has placed that in our hearts.  And we will have that.  Not because of works or deeds or karma.  Because God is leading our hearts, minds and life.

I'm blessed because when someone goes out of their way to cut me down, I have enough loving, real people in my life to remind me what to cling to.  Hope. Truth.  Love.

God has brought me where I am.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Bully say what?

I'm on a rant.  I'm on a soapbox.  It's gonna get nasty up in here...

There was a story on the news lately of an older lady that has worked her whole life, drove school buses and is now a school bus monitor. A bunch of mean, nasty kids ganged up on her and bullied her and said cruel, hateful things to her.  And she sat there and tried to defend herself and cried.  And the kids mocked her more.  It was heartbreaking.  Absolutely heartbreaking. 

Children are a product of their environment.  When children learn racism, disrespect, laziness, entitlement...when they are taught to gossip and be rude and crude, to talk about other people, people on the other end of their meanness are affected.  Damaged people who are unhappy with themselves and feel it necessary to share their misery bully others.  If you can keep your heart out of it and wipe the tears away enough to clear your mind, you can reason away why people are so hateful.  Easier said than done when it comes to matters of the heart.

Someone set up a fund for that sweet lady to try to get some $$ for her to go on a dream vacation.  He hoped to get $5000.  That precious lady who was so mentally beat down has a fund, in her name, for over $600,000.  WOW! 

It spoke to people.  It gets them where it hurts because it hurts.  Who hasn't been bullied?  Who hasn't been beat up?  Who hasn't had hateful, mean things said about them or to them?  I remember a guy in 7th grade who used to say the meanest things to me.  I never let him see me cry but he certainly made me cry.  He was mean.  And now he's gross.  Ha, karma bit him in the butt.  He facebook requested me multiple times and he's grown to be quite the sad man.  I digress.

Brush it off, sticks and stones, blah blah blah.  But it doesn't always work that way .  It's not that easy when you are getting beat up.  Or when you are on the receiving end of being bullied.  Or having people mistreat you.  People are going to lie.  They are going to cheat and they are going to steal.  If you aren't dealing with an ethical person who holds themselves to a high standard then you will never be able to fairly battle with them.  Because short term they will win.  Long term they won't.  In life, in love, in general. 

I wanna punch some people here lately.  But vengeance isn't mine.  Much as I want it to be.  I won't lower myself to who they are.  I haven't gotten to where I am, I'm not who I am, by lying, cheating and stealing.  I certainly won't start now.

I heard yesterday that it takes something like 100 "atta boys" to negate a negative comment.  I many times catch myself having an inner dialogue and the conversation is between voices of mean people who have said hateful, untrue things about me.  I know they aren't true, I know they don't know me, but it still affects me.  I'm 33 and remember hurt feelings from 7th grade.  How many times do I have to say this, be kind people!! Stop hurting other people!!  Golden Rule anyone?  And for goodness sake, if you have children you have influence over, step up to that responsibility and be a better role model!

God gives me the strength to keep my head, heels and standards high as I walk through the ugliness of this world.  Because there is also a really beautiful side to this world and much as Satan is trying to get me to see the ugly and only that, God is showing me rainbows and butterflies and roses.  Today I'll cling to that.  And promise not to throw any punches.  If for no other reason than to not break a nail.

Stepping off the soapbox now and have a great day!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Tests, testing and being tested

I hate tests.  Always have.  I love reading, love learning.  Hate.  Tests.

We went to the dr last week and we have an action plan.  Feel 1000 times better after the appointment last week than I have in the last 6 weeks.  And it felt kind of forgotten, the whole baby making process, because we were kind of in a holding place.  Now we are out.  We have an IVF schedule, we have a list of tests we have to have done and we have an idea of what is going to happen over the next 60 days.

Jason had to have bloodwork done.  If insurance pays for it it's not much.  If insurance doesn't pay for it it could be as much as some people's mortgage payment.  Awesome.  He went to have it done today and he couldnt find the lab panel to take to the lab place.  So he called and left a message for the nurse requesting a new one.  I get an email an hour later from the nurse with a "heard Jason lost the first form, here's another." 

Did I mention we live in chaos?  It could be a thousand places and if I were a betting woman I'd say the demon pup will be expelling it any day now.

So he goes and gets the blood work done and a few other things I asked him to take care of.  He posts on my facebook "my list of crap to do is complete.  Will there be anything else Drill Sergeant? Oops I meant will there be anything else hunny bun.  Not drill sergeant.  Stupid auto correct."

Didn't know I married a comedian did you?  Payback will come in the form of me pumped full of hormones.  He's not going to know what hit in come August 20.  Evil laugh. 

So work is super frustrating right now.  I am so thankful for my job.  Just hitting a rough patch and trying my best to keep a positive outlook and know that God is sending me the right buyer for the right home.  I had a mother bring her children out to see the house she purchased and she hugged me, crying, calling me her hero.  How very humbling that I was able to help this woman realize her dream of owning a home.  That's why I keep doing what I do.  Even when I'm being tested at every turn, I may lose more buyers than I gain right now but I know the ones I get are the ones who need someone to believe in them and help them.  That is what this job is about for me.  Always something bigger than we see going on when we're being tested.

So I get home and have to take a genetic test for cystic fibrosis to make sure I'm not a carrier.  I have to gather enough spit in my mouth to fill this stupid little tube and I'm trying my best to not lose it and Jason walks by and it's important to point out, nothing really bothers him, he looks at me disgusted and said that noise of me squishing spit around in my mouth was about to make him gag.  I mean, I was having so much fun doing it myself and all.  This is exactly how I envisioned making a baby to be. 

I have to fill out a form to submit for this genetic testing.  Simple enough.  Asks my race.  White.  Well there was Caucasian (with something Jewish).  I dont even remember what the something was but I know I'm not Jewish.  There were no other options for Caucasian so I picked the one with Jewish.  Then it makes a drop down box to see what kind of Caucasian I am (????!!!!!????)  I DONT KNOW!!  Am I northern Europe, Southern Europe, Irish?  I DONT KNOW!!  I picked the Cajun/French one because I know my Grandma Squat lived in New Orleans and I grew up with Grandma trying to teach me French.

And then I got to pay for it.  What most people pay for a car payment I got to pay for my spit to be analyzed.  We'll see how sophisticated those tests are if they pick up that I'm not, in fact, Cajun.

I feel like I'm on the brink of losing it sometimes.  I just want a baby or two.  Going through all this is crazy and I haven't even started all the meds, shots, scans and blood work. 

"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls and coal into diamonds using time and pressure.  He's working on you the same way."  Rick Warren

Rick couldn't have spoken any louder or more profoundly to my heart than that today.

I'm going through some pruning.  I'm not sure the why but I know if God is bringing me to it, He's certainly going to see me through it.  The process may not be what I thought but I know the end result will be better than the butterflies, diamonds and pearls.  I'll have a baby or 2 on my hip and I know this test will have all been worth it.

Blessed because I know that God hasn't left me, the teacher is always quiet during the test...

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Snakes, mayo and right thoughts

Had a nice conversation with a homeowner about 2 of my favorite things.  Snakes and mayonnaise.  Not sure which scares me more.  I guess he took the look of fear in my eyes, me gagging and sweating as encouragement to continue with his horror stories.  And that was from him talking about mayo.  Then he started in on snakes.  I don't need a 15 minute story about taste testing different types of mayo (I'm seriously gagging typing this) or how many ways a pygmy rattler can disguise itself. 

Coasting along right now with everything.  Tomorrow we have the 2nd consult with Dr B's office to get some questions answered that weren't answered before.  Looks like the door has opened for us to be able to fund this expensive dream and tomorrow we will more than likely be on the way to having a start date to making babies.  Yikes!  Exciting and kinda terrifying.  The time spent off the emotional hormonal roller coaster has been nice but we are ready to strap in and face this head on.  God is still sending me dreams of our babies so I know this will happen.  I cannot wait for this to happen.

Some other things I'm ready to have happen.  I'm real past ready for people I love to not be hurt by other people anymore.   PSA-Treat people better.  Seriously, how many times a girl gotta blog about this?  This blog has made it's way into the hands of many, apparently some people aren't reading it for what it's worth, they are reading it to find something to hold against me or just out of nosiness.  Ok, no problem, but this is now a requirement.  If you read this, do something nice for someone.  Do something unexpected for another. 

"Be kinder than necessary, you never know what battles others are facing."

I recently came into contact with someone who was quite standoffish and kinda rude.  I was trying to be helpful and was aggravated that she wasn't responding with kindness.  I helped her and she opened up to me a little and we built some repoire.  A few weeks later I find out that lady, the mother of very small children I was talking to had lost her husband to cancer a month earlier.  BE KIND PEOPLE!  You never know what others are facing. 

I'm reading a book.  The 4:8 Principle.  It kinda goes along with Max Lucado's book "Facing Your Giants."  It's based on Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  I am facing some giants right now.  And whatever you focus on becomes your giant.  (I'm mixing books here, that's what happens when you have ADD and read multiple books at a time.)  I'm facing anger at certain people that are hurting people I love.  I'm facing unknown with the IVF and wanting a baby so desperately.  I'm facing fear that certain people will never come around and will continue to hurt and do so much damage to those I love.  I'm facing being overwhelmed at everything going on right now. 

SO- This principle thing.  How can I be overwhelmed, sad, scared, mad or frustrated when I concentrate on what is noble.  What is lovely.  What is true.  This book isn't a fun read.  It's holding a mirror up to yourself and doing a gut check.  I have faith, why am I stressing?  I believe, why am I afraid?  I trust in God's plan, why am I trying to control things outside of my control?  Sigh.  Still learning..

So what have we learned?  I hate snakes and mayo equally.  I'm tired of stupid people hurting other people because they can't get over themselves enough to move on and I need to concentrate on what is pure, right, lovely and admiral.

Oh...And love your parents.  Be nice to them, thank them, treat them better.  They are the only set you get!  My set are pretty great. 

I'm blessed because I'm never too old to learn and relearn and learn again the lessons God is putting in front of me. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Big fat frustrations!

The vein in my forehead is real close to exploding.  Real close. 

I am a good sales person.  Sometimes I'm a great salesperson.  Actually more than most times.  Here lately I haven't been selling.  There is little less frustrating than a sales person who isn't selling.  Other people are selling.  A lot.  Know what I've been getting lately?  Cancels.  Others numbers are going up, mine are going down.  So frustrating.  It's almost laughable how I'm not selling.  If it weren't my livelihood and I need the money. And the sales.  And the satisfaction that comes from closing someone.  Tomorrow I shall put on my highest heels, my biggest sales cap, and sell 5 or 12 homes.  It'll happen.  Because nothing drives me more than being in the middle of the pack. I loathe being middle of the pack.  This girl is going to claw her way to the top of the sales ladder!

I don't even know what to say on here.  Which in itself is hugely frustrating because this is my outlet.  If I don't have this outlet I may possibly lose my mind.  I feel like Satan is attacking us at every turn.  We make the best decisions we can and we are smacked in the face.  We are good people.  We trust in God.  We pray.  We do the best we can.  In a lot of areas of our lives.  Some are a work in progress.  I know without a doubt that we are being tested.  Not often do you get a sign saying "YOU'RE BEING TESTED," however, the past month has been a glaring, flashing, neon scrolling sign that we are, in fact, being tested.

Know what I hate worse than not selling?  Failing.  And I feel like I am failing at every turn.  The IVF/Baby/Financing IVF and Baby has kind of been in the back of my mind lately because we are a few months out from anything.  I'm a planner.  I'm a control freak.  I'm losing control now I'm just a freak.  That is a true story.  Nothing is easy.  In most people's lives, I'm sure.  Feels like every choice and decision I have made is the wrong one.  That's not a good feeling.  That's a big frustration.

So many emotions, so much drama, so many ups and downs.  I'm failing at learning the lesson(S) that God is wanting so desperately for us to learn.  I know that because we're getting knocked on our butts.  God is up to something because Satan is working overtime.  I believe.  I trust.  I know that more than anything God wants us to have His best.  It's frustrating as a Christian to be in a place where you feel like you aren't doing what you should be doing but feel like you're doing all you can do.

Recently some people I know have gone through hard times.  One had a miscarriage and I sent my condolences and asked how she was doing.  I was told she was doing fantastic.  A week after she lost her baby.  I'm pretty sure the husband was speaking on her behalf because if he could crawl inside her for even a second, the void, loss, and emptiness that comes with that loss is a far cry from fantastic.  Another person lost their job so I sent a message that I was sorry.  The response was something to the effect that they were good because God is in control.

I guess these make me feel like failures too.  Because I face hard time, like everyone else, but if I listen to their responses to hard times then I fail.  When we found out we couldn't have a baby how we thought, we trusted that God has a plan, but we cried.  Because our hearts hurt.  When people make life so unbelievably difficult, I get upset, because it's hard on everyone. 

I heard Mary Chapman one time talking on Larry King Live after her child was killed.  It was in the middle of my darkest of days and I was feeling like I was losing at being a Christian as well as at life.  He asked her how she was doing and her response was that it was a good day because she got out of the closet.  He didn't understand so she explained.  After she lost her daughter, she felt lost, desperate, heartbroken.  Of course.  And there were days when all she could do was lay in the closet and cry.  Now this is a Godly woman.  She knows that God has a plan.  She knows that.  But her heart was broken and she needed time to grieve.  She allowed herself that.  She wasn't wearing rose colored glasses, she didn't punch the people that said this was part of God's plan.  She went in the closet and cried.  And when she was able, she got up and walked out.

I guess maybe that is part of the lesson I need to learn.  How I handle my disappointments and frustrations is between me and God.  I am a Christian.  I am trying my best to surrender control of this crazy life to God and follow in the path He has laid out for Jason and I.  Along the way I stumble.  I fall.  I cry.  But I move forward.  And that's what we're called to do.

I'm blessed because tomorrow I will wake up with my sales swagger knowing that whatever frustrations trip me up, whatever disappointments knock me down, God understands our hearts.  And when mine is crying out for understanding that only He can give, He is always, always faithful to give.