Sunday, February 16, 2014

I failed, I'm stupid, Why do I bother?

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, the same way you've always done things, and expecting different results, it's no wonder I feel half past crazy on a good day.

If life is what you make of it, I've been doing it wrong.  And now I know. And when you know better, you do better. 

Last year was hard, seemingly impossible at times, but I made it thru. Thanks in part to so many caring, kind people who have never stopped praying and encouraging me. I can't say how much it meant to me, still does, the kindness of people.  On my worst days when I felt alone and forgotten, a smile or kind word from a stranger was enough of a reminder that I was loved. 

I haven't done everything right. There are a lot of things I've done wrong and I carry guilt and remorse for that.  But there's also a lot I've done right and I'm proud that in the midst of the greatest pain I had known, I've been able to change. 

What you plant grows. What you focus on becomes your giant. In a world of pain, hurt and disappointment, it's easy to get bogged down in the crap but I have changed my focus and I've changed my expectations. You show people how to treat you and that's been hard for me. I don't always do things right but I feel like I'm the first to admit my mistakes. I try to take a lesson from it and move forward but it doesn't always go as easily as one would hope. 

There is a lot I don't know and there's a lot I'm still learning. But this I know to be true. 

The voices of hurt are louder than the voices of hope. If you let them be.  My self talk a lot of the time this past year has been, "I failed, I'm stupid, why do I bother?"  The answer to that is, "I try my best and I don't give up on what's important to me."  

Life is short. If you love someone, show them by your actions and treat them with respect. You don't know when that last conversation will come. 

Everyone is facing something.  If it's big to you then it's important. Don't ever feel guilty for something you are facing if you are doing the best you can to get thru. 

Life is full of people who will try to hurt you. But life is also filled with a lot of people who will love, encourage and support you. You have to decide who you listen to. 

Things don't always go as planned but when things change you have the choice of which direction you will go.  It's not always easy but I've found that if my feet are planted firmly on the solid ground of truth and love, even when the ground falls under my feet, I have many caring hands to hold me up. 

People change. Life happens.  People grow and people evolve. When pain affects your life, after you've given yourself the time to heal, embrace the person you've become. If you've gotten thru the hurt then you're stronger than the people who gave up. 

Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride.  I'm really trying every day to make the day matter.  I smile at people I see, I talk to people in line, instead of getting aggrevated at the small stuff, I try to look at who is around me who might need some encouragement. 

Social media paints a nice, flowery picture of our lives. Few people put the crap on display as often as I tend to. But if my life is crap and I post something beautiful, it's because I have a strong hope that the moment of hurt is fleeting and in it's place, beauty will rise. 

I'm not perfect, I screw up and I fail. But I also love bigger, try harder and pray more often than I worry.  Most days. Some days I'm a complete and total hot mess. Just keepin it real. 

Be someone's reason to smile.  Tell someone you love them. Make someone feel special.  If you've screwed up, apologize. If someone has offered forgiveness, forgive them.


To you it might not mean much, to the person receiving it, it may mean the world.