Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Driving the Struggle Bus

Am I happy?

More so than I've been in too long. 

And it feels fab! 



I've taken a break from social media and it's made me look at life differently. After living my life in such a public way, taking time to live privately has been cathartic. 

I've got my divorce papers. I was ready for them. I was strong and ready and anxious to sign them.  

Then I opened them and had a complete and total good ole fashioned go to pieces.  

Seeing the name of the person you married in that context of ending something that was so much of who I was was harder than I wanted it to be.'s ending something that no longer is. I'm divorcing someone that no longer is to me what I fell in love with and someone I no longer am. 

That's heavy.  It's a very heavy load I've been shouldering, alone, for far too long. 

I recently saw some people I haven't seen in awhile and they all showered me with hugs and love and kindness. And the words, spoken from a lovely soul who has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known said, "I've missed your smile, it's so good to see it again." 

I can't even say how incredibly good it feels to truly have it back. 

Life isn't easy, things fall on you that are meant to break you and the beauty that comes from walking away with your head high is a powerful thing. 

My head's not always high. I'm grieving the ending of something I didn't expect to end. I'm a lover, I'm a forgiver, I'm someone who needs answers and the struggle bus I've been driving is because sometimes there just aren't answers. And that's hard. 

What's harder was having so much inside me that was unfullfilled for so long. For chasing a love that died a long time ago. For running after answers that would never come and even if they did could never truly make sense. 

There's a peace in making a decision. 

And I feel like I've let the weight of the world and so many unfullfilled promises finally slip off my shoulders. 

So many decisions have been made for me and the control freak in me fought it at every turn. 

It's hard letting go of a dream you had. Even when the dream no longer fit, no longer was a benefit and no longer brought me anything but pain.

I don't have a happiness that lights my smile. Happiness, I know all too well, is fleeting. 

What I have found is a joy that cant be denied. I haven't had the luxury of Facebook to tell me job well done. I haven't had Instagram to tell me that I'm going to make it. 

What I've had, what I found, is that as much as I miss being part of something, the healing I've found with finding myself has been healing in a way I didn't know I needed. 

Dang, that feels good. 

With that understanding, I also know I'm meant to be part of something. I'm better when I'm part of a team, when I have someone else to love. 

I haven't had that but I found something really special I wasn't looking for. 

I found a love, a pride, a peace that can only come from not only believing in but loving yourself. 

What I went thru, what I've faced should have damaged me more than it has. But God has placed an impossibly strong belief that His plans are bigger than ANYTHING I can imagine for myself. 

I lost a lot. I gained even more. And I'm excited, I'm hopeful and I'm ready to see what the next chapter of this crazy life brings me 

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