Thursday, January 22, 2015

Dating episode 2- Man Boobs, Wine and Moving On

So, I feel mostly "moved on."  Which is good considering I'm trying to date. I just don't how rational is it to think you can move on from a husband and family that's no longer in your life. 

But I'm giving it the ole college try.

In a rare moment of clarity I realized that I'll never truly move on from what I leave behind. There's too much there. I spent a long time deleting pictures off social media (a lot of pics, like over 500) of my pre-life before being told "SIJCD".  (Sorry I Just Can't Deal). 

I don't think I can "move on" in the way I was expecting. 

I hate that, by the way.  Wait til some well meaning person tells you it's time to move on when you're in the midst of trying your best to freaking move on and see if you don't wanna punch them. 

It's making it hard for me. Because I still desire to know what going on with the kids, what they are are up, how they are doing.  There are no visitation rights for ex-stepparents even thought you spent 4+ years of your life loving your kids. And if I'm being honest and transparent as I try to be, it's hard to move past someone who was your best friend. Who knew the ins and outs of you. The things that annoyed you and the things that made you most happy. It's not normal to have to move away from your best friend. 

It's especially glaringly obvious when you go on date after date of people that make it really annoying to be back in the dating world. 

But what had happened was, the person calling the shots decided that we couldn't make it because life is supposed to be rainbows and fairy tails and unicorns shooting out your butt every day. And when that doesn't happen*, it negates your wedding vows and you can wave the white flag. 

* I'm not an attorney and I'm still waiting for an attorney to verify those are solid grounds for divorce in the State of FL, so this whole thing needs to be taken with a grain of salt because, truthfully, I'm leaning on my own interpretation.*

To his defense, since I'm waxing legal here, we went thru some major crap.  So I can't be mad that the unicorns and rainbows being replaced with all kinds of tragedy were hard to overcome. 

Still. It's annoying that what was joined together, was torn apart.  SIJCD happens and you redirect your sails. Blah blah. 

So I won't move past. But I've understood, in a whole new understanding, that I outgrew where I was. Unfortunately that means I leave behind the ones who weren't ready or able or wanting to grow. And I have I be ok with that. 

And I am. 

So I date. 

Keep reaching and you find something, right?  


Keep reaching and you get cut. 

My dating life debacles arent lonely as I have many close friends going thru this hell with me.  It's more fun when you can  commiserate over a glass (case) of wine of the dating woes we face. 

I have dated a lot of guys. A lot. I have Cowboy, I have Roloff, I have Hitman, I have Loves His Mama a Lik Too Much For Comfort, I have Bartender, I have Irish, I have Severe Accent, and Man Boobs. 

What I have is a mess of way too many degenerates that should be exciled from the dating pool. 

I've been on some lovely dates with some lovely men. They are true gentlemen and deserve the best, just not the best of me apparently as they fell flat and short. 

I wasn't their cup of tea, they weren't my bottle of champagne.  It happens. 

I can talk about everything. To a wall. How it's possible to not have anything in common is beside me.  But that's the joys (sucky side) of dating. 

Moving on, tongue in cheek, of course. 

Was talking to a girlfriend, watching Biggest Loser and this grossly obese man became this hot specimen of a man and we both sat there in silence. Didn't know what she was doing til she texts a mutual friend of her ex and asked this "he's still fat, right??  PLEASE TELL ME HES STILL FAT."  

He's still fat 

There was a moment of Thanksgiving. 

Another was upset that a guy she was interested in wasn't being honest with her. She came to the understanding that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." 

Good advice. 

My 2 cents, yes, believe them. Then check Facebook to see how many kids, wives, addictions, they are hiding. People love being bold on fb. 

I hate dating. Hate. Loathe. Is there a bigger word than loathe?  I don't want to go thru the minutia and crap and platitudes that go along with it. 

I'm 36 and back at it. Shouldn't there be a fast pass lane for those who've already been there, done that and have the 37 last names to prove it? 

I just want real. 


I don't need a fairytale, I hate Disney. Just give me special. 

Honestly, I want a husband and a billion screaming kids running around driving us crazy. 

I digress. 

You meet...

"Here's my story......wanna chat?"  

That happened once before and became quite the beautiful love story. 

Until it didn't.  

We had a nice run. Being the bigger person here. 

I've married for love. That kicked me in the teeth and I lost all kinda confidence, hope, joy, dreams, wha wha whaaaaaaaa. 

I'm marrying for money this time. 


So I'm back in the dating pool of fun. Haha, spit out my wine on that lie. 

I'm back at the dating game. 

For what?  If I wanted easy, I'd have gotten it by now. If I wanted fake, coulda had it too. If I could get past the sparkling light glaring off Man Boob's too tight polo that was blinding me to everything else but that unfortunate sight, I could have had that. If I wanted a sugar daddy to buy me a rose gold Rolex, dang, the offer was presented. 

But this heart of mine, beaten, stomped on, broken and healed is wanting something special. 

And I'm not settling.  

I know what I bring to the table. A whole lotta crazy.  I'm self aware, that should account for something. And if someone gets past the first 15 chapters of "Uh, what?  No way.." that's been my life, I feel pretty confident that there's a man who will be the person I love, respect, adore and grow old will. We will celebrate our milestone marriages. Maybe not married 50 years together but 50 years combined marriages out of the 2 of us and all our past baggage should at least give some fodder for laughter at what's to come.  

That's me looking at the bright side of this crap. 

Not bitter, not mad, just hopeful and believing. If I've spent so many years being placed #2, #3, #4 behind what he loves most, I can't even begin to image what will happen when I find a guy who makes me first, only second to his relationship with Christ. 

So I'll go out with the Munsons, The Broken, the Bitter, the Obnoxious, the Runners in search of the beautiful. 

Until then, I'll date. (Gag, puke, barf) and hold steady til I find the man who will help me shoulder the load of my crap and will let me help lessen the load of his. 

Onward and upwards my single friends!  I'm raising my glass of wine to you!  

Friday, January 16, 2015

When Satan strikes and bad hair days happen

Life ever tried to get you to just stop?  Like throw in the towel, I'm down, out, I quit and give up?   Stop the madness already, I'm over. It.  Someone likened one of my shenanigan tales to Taylor Swift and it made me want to wave the white flag in defeat. 

Seriously, if your life mimicks Taylor Swift, it may be time to call it a day. 

I couldn't figure out why the past few days Satan has been absolutely relentless in trying to knock my spirit just down and out. Last day I worked before I had two days off, felt good. Had big plans for my days off. Hair, nails, massage. Barely made it in the door before I puked, out of nowhere and 2 days in the bed. But I was all, whoa is me, they aren't 2 days wasted when your life sucks anyways. 

I know, I'm a ball of positive and God's never ending grace and light. 

So yesterday I get out of bed, looking like a tragic train wreck would and took myself to a hair salon down the street. The conversation goes a little like this. 

"Make me pretty."  "What do you want done?"  "I don't care, make me pretty, I'm tragic so anything would be a bonus."' She looked a little terrified and showed me some color swatches of hair and I told her, perhaps in a growl, "I. Don't. Care."
For 2 hours I didn't talk. Didn't make eye contact with anyone and the poor girl doing my hair was more than scared as she saw a woman on the edge. 

She takes the towel off my head, after my
Color session and asks how I want her to style my hair. Told her "I don't care what you do to me just make me prettier than when I walked in."

As I had crawled out of bed before the appointment, I'm quite certain a blind person could have helped me. 

I digress. 

She blows and straightens and turns me around and what do you know, I looked pretty. 

I tipped her an embarrassingly high amount as I was such a joy to work with, I felt she more than earned it. 

So why the sour mood?  Only because Satan has been ALL OVER ME LATELY!  Couldn't figure out why until I figured out why. 

My aunt challenged me to speak, out loud, for a week, the promises I believed God has for me. The hopes and dreams and all I want, I've been vocalizing it. Every day. Out loud. 

Satan doesn't really like that. 

As evidenced in the total spiritual attack that has surrounded me the past week. Want to know if God has some big plans for your life?  Speak them out loud. Just be prepared for a full out battle of the dark one trying to suck you into the negative lies he loves to spew. 

So I did what any mature adult does,called my mom, bawling my eyes out.  "I hate my life, this speaking blessings isn't worth it because Satan is attacking me."

Whaa whaa whaa. 

My mom, God bless her. She's never given up on trying to pull me out of the crazy. 

I was watching "Biggest Loser" and one of the contestants freaked out. Bob Harper says to him, (I have a Bob Harper in my life and she goes by Mom) says to him, " you're going to a crazy place."  Crazy guy says, "I do that sometimes,". Bob, being the trained millionaire professional he is says this bit of wisdom. "Don't, it doesn't get you anywhere." 

Thanks, Captain Obvious. 

If you had someone in your life that meant nothing and was going nowhere, if you knew they were destined to a life of suckiness, would you step in to tell them otherwise if you didn't believe they were going anywhere?  No, probably not. Why waste your breath, right?  What if they were going somewhere?  And them speaking out the truths of everything you weren't and standing on the firm faith of everything they believed they would have in spite of what you were doing to block them, what would you do if you didn't want them to succeed?   Would you sit quietly and let them boast about a husband and kids and success and favor  they were speaking as thought they already had them?  Or would you throw tomatoes and lies and everything else at them to get them to shut up?  

The past few days I've dodged the lies and fears and doubts and spoiled fruit that has been thrown at me full force and i didn't handle it with much grace. 

I crashed and burned. 

Satan sucks. 

So, I prayed. Louder. Now to be fair, I did it in my car and felt like a complete idiot but I spoke loudly the truths and dreams and hopes and beliefs that I know God has placed on my heart. 

And I powdered my nose, put on my lipstick and went out and showed the day who was boss.

I don't know why life is so hard sometimes. I don't get why Satan has decided I'm a great target practice. But I can tell you this. 

I'm not giving up. I'm not giving in and I'm not quitting.

I KNOW the plans God has for ME. That's big!  They aren't to harm, to cause tears and a tantrum. They are for something SO. MUCH. BIGGER. 

If Satan wants me to quit now, I can't even begin to imagine what waits for me on the other side of this trial. And I can say that honestly. Not as some pie in the sky hope. I fully believe that. 

It'll be worth it, it'll be beautiful and it'll be more than this tragic trainwreck of a gal could ever imagine. 

Hold steady, God has this. I'm not just saying that. Coming out of the trenches, I believe that! If Satan is attacking you, it's only because he sees the absolute beautiful God has for you and he's terrified. 

Satan shaking makes me laugh. God's promises make me smile. I know who wins this battle and for that, I'll keep dodging rotten fruit. Because at the end, I know the plans God has for me are to prosper me and give me a bright future. Bright!  Not sucky. 

Hold steady. Satan doesn't like that, God really appreciates it. 💙

Friday, January 9, 2015

Sad songs and movies about cancer

Yesterday I was having a "what am I doing with my life" moment.  Haven't had one of those for awhile, surprising considering how neurotic I am, I know.  I want a change, I don't know what exactly, but I was annoyed that I didn't know how to change my life.  I sat and thought of a million things I want and completely unsure of the first step to take. 

Then my phone rang.  And guess what.  World turned completely upside down.  Effective immediately, complete and total change. 

I hate change. 


Seriously. I hate change. 

I wanted change.  Was mad I didn't know where to start to intiate change and bam, change. 

Be careful what you wish for and blah blah blah.  

So I've spent the past 24 hours thinking about this change, analyzing every angle of this change and going between 100 emotions and feelings about it.  

Life changes, you'd think, me of all people, would have understood that by now...

Shocking I'm sure but sometimes I'm not so quick. 

Yesterday, unsure of what I'm feeling and just obviously looking for a reason to hate life, I watched the "Fault in Our Stars."  Brilliant for someone who is on the edge, constantly, of losing her mind. Sad, romantic movie about young adults who fall in love when they both are dying of cancer.  

Yea, I know. 

The young heroine of the movie says at one point that this isn't the life she wanted. 

I don't want this life I've got either.  Funny thing is, doesn't matter.  So much you can't control, so much is handed or taken from you without your consent. 

I've had more change, more new beginnings, more endings, more goodbyes, more loss than a normal 36 year old should have.  Blah blah, story is old by this point, I know.  I'm not normal so I'm unsure why I'm surprised by this.  

So, I go from bawling my eyes out watching this stupidly sad movie to listening to music that makes me equally emotional on a whole other level.  

"When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don't if you'll ever find the healing"

I was thinking a few days ago of everything I want. So many things I desire and have a passion for an absolutely no idea how I'm ever going to get there. 

No idea. Seriously, lost and felt like I should just give up at life. 

I know, I know. Don't give up, life is what you make of it, there's no rainbow without the rain. 


"You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising" 

Valid. Sun rises. Every new day is a fresh start, new beginning, fill in the blank with your favorite inspirational Pinterest quote. 

"Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you 
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking"

I don't know that I'm afraid. 

Haha, kidding, I'm terrified. Of being alone for the rest of my life when I want so badly to share this crazy with someone else.  Of never having kids I can screw up and love. Of never being all the my mind screams at me that I am. 

"You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
The night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on"

There's a promise. There are a million promises. I know them. I read them. When I don't want to remember them, I have people in my life that remind me. I had a friend tell me yesterday, "this isn't a surprise for God, He has plans to prosper you."  My mom tells me, "What He opens no one can shut." Does that include my mouth?  Because I have been very vocal lately of how tired and exhausted I am with the treadmill of life I find myself on because I KNOW that I've held on and every so often I get thrown off the back just like it does more often than not when I'm on an actual treadmill. 

"And even when you can't imagine how
You're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds"

So picture this, I've given up on life, I'm wallowing in the midst of my blahness and a friend texts me. 

They asked me for prayer about something. 

You know how sometimes you're just having a moment and thinking about how much your life sucks and then reality smacks you in the face?  Like a very special friend asking you to pray about something? 


If I were hopeless, if I were a complete and total mess, if this dear friend didn't trust the very heart of who I am, they wouldn't have trusted me to pray for them. That's a very special thing. But the reason they brought this specific need to me was, because of everything I had been thru, they knew that I would know how best to pray. 

Whoa.  Let me say it again. Because of everything I had been through, they knew I would know how best to pray. 

And I did. Immediately my heart was flooded for prayers and hopes and promises for this beautiful person as the tears streamed down my face for a different reason entirely than why I'd been such a wreck for the past few days. (Months?) 

"The sun is rising

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising" 

Light. Bulb. Moment. 

Sometimes it's not about my life making sense where I'm at right now. Sometimes it's about remembering that life is about a whole lot more than the one moment I'm stuck in. 

My life, your life, is about the moments you trust when you're tired, you believe when you're exhausted and you hope when you're lost. 

And sometimes, if you're incredibly blessed, you'll have someone trust you enough to pray and you'll know exactly the words to say. 

So, there's that..

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Adventures in Dating at 36- Part I- The cast of losers.

In the hope of protecting the innocently naïve guys who go out with me, the names they will be referenced as, are not in fact, their names.

Part of my New Year's "Bucket List" was to accept a date from any man that asks me out in an effort to not sway myself with my snap judgments of too tall, short, hairy, bald, annoying, blah blah.  "Everyone deserves a chance and you never know who you'll meet" notions quickly fell by the wayside and common sense prevailed.  Not every guy that asks me out will be met with an excited answer of yes. 

Met a guy on the new dating app a few months ago.  Pictures pop up of people around you who are available.  Swipe left if you're not interested, swipe right if you are.  A mutual swiping of rights gets a connection and you can start talking.

There are some interesting people on there.  Saw some guys I knew, including my ex husband which was just a freakin blast.  Do you swipe left out of principle?  Do you swipe right in an effort to extend an olive branch?  What do you do if you swipe right and there's no connection because he swiped left?  What do you do then?  Do what I do, delete your account and the app, drink some wine, put sad music on repeat and have your best friend tell you how stupid he is.  Not the least bit dramatic.

Before that swiping breakdown, I started talking to a few different guys.  Exchanged numbers with some and we started texting each other. 

This is now known as dating purgatory.  Not actual hell yet because you haven't been on a date but close enough that you can already feel the fire and know how much the next step is going to suck.

It's a fun game you get to play of being the right amount of sarcasm meets sweet, loving who you are but balance with a nice dose of self depreciating humor to keep you humble, witty but charming, driven but casual, competitive but not too sporty, independent but not too hard nosed about it.  Mostly via text.  Occasional phone call, usually not. It's fun getting to know someone based simply on characters and emojis.  WHY DO GUYS OVER 35 USE EMOJIS???

I've found and discovered that most guys have this weird thing where they think they are so. much. better, more, attractive, funny, successful. than. they. actually. are.  It's weird. 

I spend hours worrying about the right outfit, hair, makeup, shoes and for what?

Because this is what is in the minds, and mouths, of the past few guys I've gone out with lately, and I've taken create reign to supply the dialogue..

"Even though I told her differently, I'm really not over my ex and have no idea how to properly communicate that.  Maybe I'll make her feel really stupid, then get mad when she calls me out on being a jerk and I'll turn it around and make her feel guilty for getting upset with me. If that doesn't work, I'll tell her story after story of the masses of woman who have tried to get me to date them, marry them or blah blah.  Chicks dig that."  No, chicks don't.  Dig that!

"I don't want her to realize that I have serious body issues and am completely uncomfortable in my own skin, so I'll confuse her with stories and conversations about how much money I spend on clothes and how often I work out.  I'll also order a small protein only appetizer and then stare longingly at the chicken on her salad and wait for her to finally take the napkin from her lap and indicate she is finished eating before I absolutely devour what is left.  Then I'll go back to telling her stories of how much I lift and how much cardio I do.  Chicks dig that, right?"  This gal digs a man who is comfortable in his own skin. 

"I 'm almost certain I'm gay but I'm confused and I'm manly and fish and hunt and talk about sports and grunt a lot so maybe I won't have to tell her.   I'll talk to her for weeks, go to dinner and show her an incredible time and make her laugh and feel like $1 million bucks.  Telling her via text that I'm possibly attracted to men is probably the best way to do it, since I just stopped talking to her for weeks because I wasn't sure how to tell her.  Maybe she'll figure out that that is how I know so much about her clothes and shoes and accessories, not from my exwife like I originally told her.  Chicks are open minded now, right?"  This chick is googling "becoming a nun vs owning cats"

"I really can't stand my own kids and want to make sure it's known how much I don't want to have anymore, immediately, hmmm...I know, I'll tell her as soon as we sit down for dinner about my vasectomy and then we can figure out which 5 cheeses to go with dinner.  Chicks appreciate honesty, right?"  Sure do, let me tell you about my labor stories. 

"Weird, I haven't been able to get a response after a 5 minute phone conversation 2 months ago?  She must be playing hard to get, challenge accepted.  I'll text her every. single. day. for the next 2 months and include links to youtube music videos of songs that I really want her to listen to and understand, I wanted to share in person and hope I don't come off creepy.  Girls like attention right?  I'll be super passive aggressive and hope that my commitment to showing her how determined I am to talk to her  will speak well to how committed I would be to the relationship.  And not creepy.  Just really intrigued.   Really.  A lot of woman want me."  BLOCKED

36, dating again.  *shakes hands to the heavens and screams...* "WWWWHHHHYYYYYYY MMMEEEEEEEEEEE???????????"

Valid points for dating. 

  • Don't settle.
  • Don't stress.
  • Everyone is crazy, it's not a competition.
  • Most everyone is carrying or dragging, emotional baggage, find one with some that compliments yours.
  • Don't be the sane one on the relationship. You know your level of crazy and how to manage it, no one wants to take on someone else's as well.  
  • If there is "baby mama drama" mentioned in the first 10 mins, run.
  • If they have an unhealthy need to gain their mother's approval, run fast. 
  • If they mention rehab more than a few times, consider running in a non judgy way.  
  • If they joke they are an alcoholic but they drink copious amounts of alcohol everyday, maybe just trade in high heels for running shoes. 

2015 won't be boring.  Can almost guarantee that. 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Divorce and Bucket list for 2015

I kicked 2014 to the wayside with friends, champagne and music. 

Was feeling really motivated to get 2015 headed in a new direction, fresh start, new beginnings blah blah blah. 

Then I realized I'll be getting divorced in 2015 and had a slight (major) meltdown. 

Not exactly what I was wanting on my "take over the world in 2015" agenda. 

So, this year will suck at some point for some time BUT that doesn't mean it's going to be an awful year. 

As well as divorcing my husband I'm divorcing some other stuff. 

I'm breaking up with self doubt and the negative reel of lies that plays over and over in my mind. I'm going to start voicing things I believe and know I deserve and will have. 

I'm kicking out the people that I have to chase to be in my life and letting go of the ones who don't want to be in it. 

I'm losing the quit in me. I'm tired of not following thru with things I want to do. 

I'm saying a final goodbye to the worry, anxiety and sadness I've held on for too many years. They've all overstayed their welcome. 

My 2015 Bucket List;

1. Finish my book
2. Start my book
3. Leave the people I meet feeling better or more appreciated because I'm going to start being kinder, more gracious and giving. 
4. Go skiing 
5. Take a solo vacation somewhere fabulous because I can. 
6. I'm going to learn how to play guitar 
7. I'm going to go on a date with every man who asks me. Munson, handsome, tall, short. I'm not going to prejudge. 
8. I'm going to love myself. I'm pretty fab and it's time I get reacquainted with this new me I've spent the past year becoming 
9. I'm going to start smiling and talking to more people I see out and about. So many lonely people, I'm going to try to change that. 
10. Buy the shoes that are calling my name. 

2014 sucked a lot of the time. I'm glad to see it gone. 2015 is going to have trials and bumps but I also know it will be filled with new adventures, people, opportunity and fulfilled dreams. 

I survived the past 2 years. I'm looking forward to thriving, rocking and making things happen in the new year, with a fresh start.  In my fancy shoes. Always in my fancy shoes. 

2015- let's see what you've got for me!  

I'm ready to make it fabulously outrageous!  Heels on, ready to get this life rolling in the right direction!