So...

Went to Winter Jam tonight. Heard Third Day, Newsong, Newsboys, Sidewalk Prophet, Tenth Avenue North. Really good time with good people. Few things I came away with.

1. The man who will become my husband will be musical. Possibly a guitar playing singing piano man. Or maybe just one of the 3. But lately the desire in my heart for that has been growing almost daily. Kind of strange. But tonight just reaffirmed it.

2. Satan is working overtime on a lot of people. Through the hurts, missteps, discouragement, sadness...God's voice is louder, we just have to listen for it. His plans are bigger. His promises are deeper. His love is more pure. I've let a lot of things go but I've replaced my hands with other "things" and it's hard for God to fill my hands when they are filled with junk. There's a slippery slope between a lot of thngs I'm trying to figure out. Satan senses the desire to know more and the confusion that comes with it and attacks. Doesn't mean he'll succeed. My desire to draw closer to God is stronger than the will to throw in the towel.

3. I have good people in my life. I'm a lucky girl. I'm blessed beyond measure. I'm emotional but I think it's because God is continually preparing me. I thought I'd be prepared by now. I'm not. So I just have to keep going. And by God's grace I'm able to. And I'm at peace with where I am and where I'm allowing God to lead me.

Emotional mess but it's ok. At least it's a growing, seeking emotional mess and not an angry one. Progress...

Hello Insanity, have we met?!

When I was in KY I went to a corn maze. For my city friends, that's a maze. Made out of a corn field. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I was ill equipped in my high heels and pashmina. I was given a flash light and a "see you at the end." Apparently there were markers to let you know you were heading in the right direction. I don't think we found one until number 4 and then the next we saw was number 2 so we were lost. The corn was a good 3 feet taller than me and it was muddy and my heels acted like a suction in the mud. I was this close to eating mud a few times. But I never fell.

There were a few times I was kind of close to panic. And I wasn't even alone. I was walking through with my aunt and uncle. It seemed like a really sick parallel to my life. Walking into one wall after another with nothing to guide me but a moon, as if I knew how to find my direction from that, a flashlight and some really small markers. But I finally found my way out.

I feel like I'm stuck in a maze again. Maybe instead of corn its men, or jobs, or plans, but it seems like one dead end after another. At one point during that maze I wanted to just bust through the corn and get back outside, where I could see what was in front of me. I can't do that in real life. I bust through doors I know are wrong for me just to feel like I'm going somewhere but when you have to beat through a wall it's never, in my experience, the place God just forgot to put a door.

The past 3 years have been hell. And I don't say that lightly. Ask me when I bought my house. No idea. When did I get married? Not the slightest idea. When did my life completely and totally fall apart? I don't know...sometime over the past 3 years.

Honestly thought, at this point, something would have changed. A job, a plan, something. I haven't given up. Its been a hard fought battle to not sometimes. I meet someone special and I shut down because what do I have to offer? I get excited about a resume I've sent out but I hear nothing back. It's hard to keep treading water. It's been 3 years of keeping my head above water...I'm tired.

I won't give up. Too many people are praying me, loving me and encouraging me through this. I'm not sure what my intention was for this blog. To bare my soul to who know how many people read this wasn't my intention, I know that. I'm a pretty open person but I prefer to talk about the happy, good, exciting things going on. Not that after 3 years I'm still lost.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over the same and expecting different results. I get that. I understand. I'm just kind of at a loss as to what to do differently. I know what my heart desires, just not sure I know what the best way to get there is.

I'm in a corn maze of life. I'm not a lone. I have more than a flashlight and I have many people walking this course with me. Which is nice, because I'm still wearing my heels and more times than not I've almost face planted into the mud. But so far, when I'm this close to falling, there's always been someone there to remind me to keep going. I'm loved, there's a plan, and I'll get there.

And that, is the butterfly reminder God sent me tonight....

Where are my butterflies?

I guess it'd be funnier if it weren't me I was talking about. But I'm quite certain that if anyone can relate to anything I've ever said, it's probably this post.

Satan is on the attack. And it was as simple as making a decision in my heart to make some small changes to better who I am and that's all it took. It's funny, it's totally expected. Draw closer to God and Satan freaks out. I guess because Satan has been on the constant attack of so many people I love that I'm all too familiar with how this plays out. I've watched it too many times...

It's the subtle voices in your head saying you aren't good enough, you've tried to make these changes before, you're a failure, you don't deserve to have your dreams comes true, you weren't good enough before what makes you think now will be any different, go ahead and trust him it will just be more fun when he breaks your heart too.....

EXHAUSTING. These aren't truths. Why the voices that speak negative and lies resound so much louder than the voice of truth is, I'm not sure. When you open yourself up to have God lead and guide and mold and make and all, it's painful. Not because of what God is doing in me but what Satan is trying so so hard to avoid happening.

Me believing God's promises for my life. Me living the life God has designed for me to live. He didn't mean for me to be alone. And lonely. And sad. And doubting. I have to allow God to give me the strength and courage and fortitude to keep going. To mute the negative and rejoice in the truth.

Satan has no power over my thoughts. Satan you will not have my hopes, my dreams, my future, my plans, my family, friends or thoughts. You can keep playing your games, I've played them before and God always wins. Always. This game isn't at all what I was expecting and it's absolutely exhausting sometimes, but I'll be ok. At some point, this will all be ok...

Tomorrow I'm dressing w extra layers so when things are thrown at me they'll be more equipped to bounce off. Satan knows I internalize everything and take the weight onto my shoulders. And he uses that to weigh me down. I can't do it anymore. Its too heavy and too much to carry.

God, please lighten my load, help me to hear your voice only. The one that promises that I will soar like an eagle, that the plans you have for me are to prosper me and not to cause me harm. I will live a life filled with peace and joy. My circumstances may not change for awhile, but, thankfully, because of your grace and mercy, my hope and faith and joy aren't attached to things but to you. Please help me to remember that...

And if it's not too much to ask, I could really use a butterfly moment!

Bryce Williams and family

Please continue to lift them up in your prayers.

Reading his mother's online journal certainly puts things into prescpective and breaks my heart.

This little guy needs healing and his family needs comfort and peace.

Thank you!

The weight of my dreams...

Tomorrow is a new day. So many small changes I need to make and pray I have the will and strength to change them. For good.

It takes 21 days to form or break a habit I believe. I'm pretty sure that's 21 days straight, not with countless do overs.

Amy Grant sings a song "All I Have to Be"

"When the weight of all my dreams Is resting heavy on my head, And the thoughtful words of health and hope Have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, Wondering if I'll ever be The one I think I am. Then you gently re-remind me That you've made me from the first, And the more I try to be the best The more I get the worst. And I realize the good in me, Is only there because of who you are. And all I ever have to be Is what you've made me. Any more or less would be a step Out of your plan. As you daily recreate me, Help me always keep in mind That I only have to do What I can find. And all I ever have to be All I have to be All I ever have to be Is what you've made me...."

All I have to be is what God made me to be. I'm trying to take comfort in that and not the whole trying to figure out who and what that is. Because right now, try as I may, Satan has my ear and is whispering *shouting at times* that I still havent figured it out. Who I am, where I'm going, how to get there. Satan is throwing questions at me that as a control freak I want the answers to. God's answer to that is clear...the harder I try to be perfect, the more I fail. He created me to be who I am. Often times a much better person that I am. But I'll fail. As long as I continue to be who He made me to be, I can get through this transition of who I've been, who I've allowed myself to become and who I desire to be.

My changes aren't being made in order to gain anything other than the peace that only God can provide. When you're being what God made you to be. The weight of my dreams often lay heavy on my heart because I look at that obstacles in the way of living my dreams. God placed them in my heart, so the mountains will be moved and whether it's the lesson I'm learning, the humility in turning it completely over, the journey, the climb....whatever "this" is about, it's just a stop on the way to where I'm going.

I just have to keep going...

Bryce Williams

A dear friend of mine, Cal Williams, his 8 year old grandson recently found out has bone cancer. He starts chemo tomorrow and has a pretty rough road in front of him.

Please pray for Bryce's healing and for his family Shane, Michelle and Savannah Williams, and his grandparents Cal and Anna Williams. They are a strong, loving Christian family who I know would appreciate all the love and support through your prayers they can get.

This is his website if you'd like to follow his progress or leave them a note of encouragement.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brycewillams

Looking back...

New year. Now what?

Been looking for a job for way too long. I know the state of the economy, I dont think the reason I don't have a job is because I'm not good enough. But the fact of the matter is, I NEED A JOB! If for no other reason than I'm going out of my mind.

I'm going to talk to a school advisor this week about going back. To school. Yes, me! I think I'm finally in a place mentally where I can concentrate for more than a hot second. I know I'd make a really good nurse. I know that when I've spent time with Nana, Popsy and Grandma in the hospital, how they felt was in large part to how they were treated by the people taking care of them. I've got all this inside me, it needs an outlet and I think being that person that helps people feel better when they are sick or a new mom or coming out of surgery would fill that void. We'll see...

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, I have journals filled page after page of resolutions that I hope to achieve every day. I heard someone say that God doesn't look for perfection, he looks for progress. BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. If I could have that as a constant reminder then I'd be way ahead of the curve. I'm my own biggest obstacle in whatever I'm trying to do. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to not always make the best decisions but if I lose the lesson then I've failed. When you know better, you do better. That's what I will resolve to do. Better.

My best friend told me to stop looking back. But if I do then let it be to remind myself just how far I've come.

This year may not bring "the" job, or house, or husband, or *insert dream here* but my hope for me is that this year brings:

1. Acceptance of who I am, now, as I am. Not who I was, before *insert disappointment here*
2. Self Confidence to make the right decisions for the right reasons, for me.
3. Hope, laughter, friendship, love and healing!!
4. Learning to play guitar

Those aren't pipe dreams, well number 4 maybe...but the rest are resolutions of sorts I guess. I'm resolving to be a better person. A happier, more content, more me version of me.

This year may bring "the" job, house, husband. If it does it will be because I'm ready. And if it doesn't then I'll keep myself busy picking at the guitar I dont have yet.