Trucker hats, Nascar and Faith

Yep, going to the Daytona 500. Never been. Really haven't ever wanted to go but I'm excited. Going with my girlfriend and we're meeting some friends down there. Will be a fun, chilly Valentine's Day spent with 200,000 of my closest redneck friends! Got to find a trucker hat and flannel and I'll be good to go!

Found a new song that I love. Britt Nicole "Walk On Water"

You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under
You wonder What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?
When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all It takes
and you can Walk on the water too

My insecurities try to alter me. But I know I'm made for more. I can't change my circumstances so until my circumstances change I'll continue to change me. And the changes that have already happened are making me believe I can walk on the water too!!

God knows my checking account, he knows my heart, he knows the clocks that are ticking. He won't let me go, he won't leave me out alone. If my faith is strong enough to believe I can walk on the water too it's because God is walking beside me. He won't let me go. What do I have to lose? My insecurities. And I'm ok letting those go. Finally. And God is with me. Always...

Gluten and Drama free

Exhausted? Check. Nauseous? Check. Bloated? Check. Anxiety and stress? Check check. So apparently the culprit may be gluten. Who knew? As per the article I read I have all the symptoms (ALL) and so if I cut out the evil wheat then I'm going to have more energy, be less anxious and lose weight. Fabulous. Holding my breath...

Annoyed? Yes. Exhausted? Yes. Stressed? Yes. Frustrated and Over it? Yes andYes. So apparently I'm allergic to dating losers as well. I'm supposed to get rid of the emotionally unstable, ego driven, narcissistic munsons. And that shall reduce drama. Which it kind of already has. I've decided that men can take me on a date if they want to get to know me. Novel concept, I know. No more spur of the moment meeting for a drink or a quick bite. Date. Scheduled in advance in a nice setting conducive to conversation and witty banter. And if they are a repeat offender, I mean dater, then they must take me on a non conventional date. As I have a lot of seat fillers I'm hoping to weed through them fairly quickly.

SO, no wheat or gluteny things, no dramatic or emotional men. Will be an interesting study. Was my sick stomach and exhaustion paired with stress and anxiety a result of crackers and bread or bad men choices....

We'll see. Thankfully red wine is safe on both fronts!

Answers, please reveal theyselves!

I have good friends. They saw me through a really strange week. I was busy last week with dinner dates and concerts and parties and football. A week spent with friends doing fun things. IT was a good week. With some major emotional crap thrown in for good measure.

Still don't understand what happened to Guitar man, driving me a little mad. Roloff rolled off. Other guy I welcomed in and he hauled butt. My story isn't pretty but it's part of who I am and I wont let my past dictate my future. I wont. If I say it enough it's supposed to work. Right?!!

I'm going to bed with a better attitude. Things will be better tomorrow. They will be clearer and they will make more sense. I'll be able to let go of the things holding me back and walk through the doors that are open for me.

Guys can go to the wayside. They are nothing more than a distraction tangled in emotions, Right now my focus is on me and where God wants me to be.

I will find that job.
I will find that right man.
I will stop speaking negatively about myself
I will continue to pray with answers and rejoice when they come to me.

God is good and God is faithful. This week is going to hold some answers and I'm going to go find them!!

Just wait til you hear my answers being shouted from my house. With a big WOO HOO!!!

xoxo

Will love find me here?

There's a song that I love that has a line "Love will find you where you are..." Does love come to crazy town??

Tonight I was reminded of a few things. My parents are loved and appreciated by many. We had a UK alumni reception for the president of UK. I was told by many, separately "You're cute, but you're parents are ad0rable." I know. One of my best friends came up to me and told me that it was freaking him out that he kept mistaking my mom for me. It's fun having more wrinkles than my mom. Really.

I'm blessed. More than I can express on here. And it warms my heart that outsiders can appreciate and love who my parents are. I lucked out in that department. As one lady put it, which honestly I don't understand but probably some others will..I'm living the life of Riley?! If that means that I have amazing parents, then yes. Yes I am.

It's hard going to Ponte Vedra. That's where J and J moved after they moved out of my house. And it was always a status of "We live in PVB." It was hard for me to get past. I had to drive past J's school many times for sales calls that I knew he was inside the building I was driving past and it took a lot out of me. Knowing they don't live there made it easier to be there.

I want the TPC lifestyle. Call it a pipe dream but I want it. I think I deserve it. 5 years ago I could have afforded it and then some but chose to live below my means. Now I don't have a job or much of anything else if I'm being honest but being in that environment tonight reminded me that I have dreams and goals and aspirations. And it's not coming from a pretension side of me it's coming from a different side of me...I want better than I have and I'll have it.

Will love come to me? I guess the answer to that is yes. I'm praying and believing and I know that I'll have my heart's desires. It doesn't have to be a house in PVB. I'll be ok with tickets to TPC...

Wherever I am, I'm growing. I'm knocking down walls and opening up...Love will find where I am. Wherever I am!

Can someone stop the ride?

What a weird 2 days I've had. Found out that a guy I considered a friend faked cancer and maybe his own death. Uh huh, welcome to my life. Who does that? I have gone through every emotion imaginable and yesterday I was half sad, half furious and today after learning the truth, I'm just really confused?! Because I don't even know the truth aside from "He doesn't have leukemia and he isn't dead." Maybe he didn't fake his own death but c'mon, he knows how many people are worried and wondering. Really..

I mean, seriously, who fakes cancer? I have had so many people praying for this man. None of this story makes any sense, it's like I'm watching a really bad episode of Days of Our Lives, starring me!

It makes no sense. He has kids, parents, family, friends, a good life it seemed. Is he really that low of a man that he would tell me he had leukemia and then just go MIA when someone posted a tribute page to him? Did someone hog tie him and take his phone and send out lies and are holding him captive? Is he running from a loan shark? Absolutely crazy! And maddening.

And to top it off I got stood up for a phone interview today. And I guess I kind of thought I was getting stood up in a way from guitar man because he just stopped all communication. After he told me he had cancer. And then I found out that he faked it. Really. Who does that?!

I'm going to wake up tomorrow and hear that someone really demented stole his phone and forced him to tell these lies because I can't let myself believe my con man detector is still malfunctioning!

I am trying really hard to keep a sense of humor and continue to believe that this is where God wants me. But I seriously need off the crazy train!!

Oh and apparently some people think it's weird that I blog and share so much of my life. Yes, it probably is. But who can keep all this to themselves?

Karma is a bad bad thing...

Enough is enough

I feel as though I've taken up permanent residence in bizarre land.

This morning I got word that my friend who found out 2 weeks ago that he had leukemia had passed away. I was in shock and then I was a mess. I had tried calling him a few days ago and his phone was disconnected. All kinds of thoughts went through my head.

I then find out through another friend that someone had talked to his parents and he is alive, that it was a sick joke. There is a tribute page on Facebook that talks about him dying from leukemia after a short battle, there's pictures of him, people leaving comments.....???????

Should I be sad for the death of a friend of mine or furious that he's alive and someone would do this?

Satan is trying really hard to make me feel like I'm losing my mind. I have some crazy stuff that happens to me but this has gone beyond ridiculous.

Hopefully he hasn't passed on and this is just a really sick joke from a very demented person. And will be Chapter 18 in my book and he and I will laugh as we read it together.

The rate my life is going it's going to be a 5 part series...

3 stikes you're out, Roloff

So breaking up is hard to do. Especially when 1. You aren't dating, 2. You used to date and 3. You thought you were meeting for a friendly night of catching up when there was clearly an agenda you weren't aware of.

Very few people I let completely in. I'd say of new people who met me post crap, probably 2. This is the story about one of the two, who from here on out will be known as Roloff, my pet name if you will.

I could be mean. I could want to retaliate and boast to the WWW all his hurts and insecurities and flaws. But I wont. Because I'm not that type of person. I tricked myself into thinking he was a better person as well but I figured out the hard way first impressions and your gut are rarely off.

He was that guy that pursued me relentlessly who I finally gave into. He told me after a month of dating that he was falling in love with me then pulled the "you're moving too fast card." On me. Miss Closed Off. Because I was coming off a bad relationship, I took the brunt of the blame. Then 3 months later he resurfaces during a really hard time in my life and was my rock for a few weeks. Then he disappeared. And you have to understand, he knows everything about me. All my baggage, J, J, house, work...everything. And he allowed me to hear some really nasty things that were said about me by his friends. Twice. And I was really hurt. Twice. Then 4 months go by and he pops back in. I miss his quirkiness so I let him back in. We hung out a few times, had a really good time one night watching a basketball game and the next night either his ego or his insecurities, still not sure which, got the better of him and he made kind of a fool of himself. But we got over it. Until tonight when we were meeting to catch up. And as soon as he walked in I knew he was in a crap mood and of course the conversation leads itself back to something I did a year ago that he likes to make fun of me for. If I'm being honest, he makes fun of me quite a bit. So I walked out, sent him a text and "broke up" with a friend. He of course needed to feel like the more dominant one so he said it just got too complicated. Yea, because 4 days ago, out of the blue, he asked a stupid, moronic question...

I'm not using this as a platform to bash him. I have gotten kind of a wake up call where a few guys are concerned. I don't believe in karma but if I did...oh man, these guys are in for it.

The point is, Roloff said some really hurtful things to me. With the intention of nothing other than hurting me. And I didn't let him once, but three times back into my life. He's a seat filler. And if I listened more to my friends and less to the devil on my shoulder then I'd be much further along without a big bag of worthless guys who have done nothing but give me grief or frustration since I met them dragging me down.

SO....I won't declare a dating sabbatical because I'm 31 and that's just stupid. A girl's got to date. And I've got a few guys I'm getting to know better. I don't know what this is all about I just know that tonight I learned a very important lesson. Whether it's a sibling, a spouse, a friend, or an acquaintance, if their purpose is to hurt you and you let them, shame on you. I knew I was better than that, better than him, better than his environment. That's what Satan does though. In this case it was a big ego wrapped up in a little package. But I've dealt with his type one too many times. And of course it hurt, my ego was bruised and my confidence shaken. But only until I stepped away and remembered that I'm better than that.

And I actually believed it!