Life's not a snapshot...

It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture...

There's a song by Josh Wilson called "Before the Morning" that says, "Once you feel the weight of glory, All your pain will fade in memory."

I just had a conversation with my mom the other day that I'm having a hard time remembering the pain of everything I've been through. And I questioned whether it was my body going into survival mode by way of denial to protect me from remembering the hurt. It wasn't. It's what you know but doesn't help when you start the process. Time heals all wounds. And it's been 3 years...

I've been in limbo, or the "meantime," for so long I've almost forgotten what it's like to not. Today I was thinking about this job I'm waiting to hear back on and I started crying. This job is more than I would have ever thought of. It's parts of everything I've loved from real estate and radio. It's traveling all over the country I've never really gotten to see. After trying for over a year to find a job, any job, thinking that I could have a job doing something I would love was just a little overwhelming. I'm seeing the bigger picture. God was closing doors because I was dreaming too small. And when you open your prayers up to "God, my life is totally in your hands, I don't know what I need but you know my heart's desires and my needs and I pray that you guide me in your way..." Your pain fades to memory in the hope of what your prayers and faith can bring into light.

I won't hear from this guy about the job until next week and it's been a test in patience but I'm ok with that. God's still prepping me for something. But I'm ok. I'm happy. I saw my best friend yesterday and she commented on it, that I looked different, I walked different, I was different. This is the me that has emerged from the pain and hurt. I've been molded and shaped and form in a new image. Not the one Jeff told me I was, or the one I let other people make feel like I had become. I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm loved and I'm cared for.

"Cause the pain you've been feeling cant compare with the joy that's coming."

And it's the truth. My tears now are coming from an overwhelming sense of joy that I'm really in the midst of God's will. And I don't have a job. I feel like that job will be mine but it's not confirmed. I don't have a husband. I know that one day I will. I'm dreaming again of having my independence and own place and kids and on and on....the point being, I don't have any of that yet but it's ok. I'm full. With the joy that's coming!!

To do list...done!! Well... almost

I have had a to do list with some things on there growing cobwebs. Finally finished it all. Tonight. In preparation of being really busy with my new amazing job and all. One last thing I suppose on my to do list...get job.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm ready for whatever God has in store for me. Could be another storm, could be a mate, could be a job (which, btw, I've already claimed as mine) but I know whatever it is, in the words of one of my favorite bands..."Whatever you're doing inside of me it feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace." Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm going to bed with a hopeful heart and rested mind knowing that when I go to my interview at 830 in the morning to meet with Richard that God has already gone before me and not only cleared the way for me but lined the door with butterflies.

I'm going expecting and thankful....finishing up my to do list with a job!

Answered prayers

My phone interview today went really well. The position is more than I would have ever looked for or thought about. And it just seemed like a perfect fit. I have a face to face interview Wed. I'm not being cocky in any way. But I feel like this is my job. I'm claiming holy boldness. I can rest in knowing that if this is the job He has prepared for me then there won't be any doubt. And if it's not then there will be something else. But as I said, I'm claiming with holy boldness that this is my job. I should be starting with in the next 30 days. I'll humbly explain that to them at my next interview Wed!

Only half joking really. I said a few days ago that when the right job, man, friend, opportunity comes my way I will know it, the doors will be wide open and it will be more than I expected. And that's how it felt today...

I haven't been one over the past few months to put something out there for people to know until it happens because I've been let down so many times. But I've also asked much of my friends and family in matters of praying for those who need it. And I know as sure as I'm sitting here that so many people are lifting me up in prayers. And I can't thank you all enough. Because right now I have peace, hope and for the first time in a long, long time, today I started making future plans. Because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

SO thank you for praying for me. My interview is at 830am Wed and I'll give all the fun, exciting, details after that if it's decided that this is the right job for me. Can't really contain my excitement though. Told some friends tonight I wanted to show up in the morning and be like, Oh, its not Wed? But didn't want to play the dense card before I have a job offer. Just really excited and it's going to be a long day tomorrow. But it's also given me the push to take care of the final few things on my to do list that have been on there much too long.

God's preparing my heart for something. And whatever that something is will be for me. And God knows the needs and desires of my heart. I won't let the promises that I know in the light turn to doubts and questions in the dark. God is not a God of confusion, of dangling carrots and rugs being pulled out from under us. He has plans. To prosper me and bring me joy....

Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for celebrating with me when things are revealed that I've been waiting (im)patiently for!

I'll be back Wed morning....fingers crossed, prayers flying! :)

I got a feelin....Yikes!

I have a phone interview tomorrow. And I feel about my next job much like I do about my next husband. There probably won't be a long courtship on either accounts, I've waited long enough, it'll probably happen fairly quickly...

I researched this job position best I could and it would be pretty great from what I can tell. But like everything else in my life I have to do the best I can, pray about it and turn it over to God. So I'm praying about it, tomorrow I will be as charming, real and educated as I can be over the phone and trust that if this is the right job for me I'll be shoved through the open door. No doubts, no questions.

But try as I might I can't control my fear. Hence, my ulcer. It's not an understatement to say that the past 50 times I've put my hope into something or someone I've been not only disappointed but just really let down. Guitar guy is a great example. He became a friend and it seemed he wanted to take it further and he seemed way too good to be true. I told everyone he would be able to break my heart if I let him in. And he's the one who faked cancer. And his death. At least I'm self aware enough to know that I'm dealing with sketch people now. I digress...

I'm not going to ride on the wave of "Don't let yourself hope because you'll only be hurt." This job may or may not be the right one for me. If it is and it's the one I've been praying for and God's prepared for me then the job will be mine and all the conditions will be what I deserve. Or maybe even more than I deserve. That's how God works. You get more than you deserve a lot of times, nice thing about grace.

SO all day I've felt this sense of foreboding. In a good way. I don't even know if that word means expecting something good...but whatever. All day I've felt anxious and hopeful that my life is going to change in a really good way soon. But this is where it gets tricky. I have that interview tomorrow. God has put this hope and excitement in my heart. If this job isn't for me then I have to hold on to that hope that something better is around the corner. A job, a mate, a new friend, a butterfly....

Whatever I'm waiting for and excited about is going to be more than I deserve. And for that, I'm both confident and thankful!

Which comes first, the chicken or the job?

Big fat sigh. Today I was kind of amazed because I just thought out of nowhere, "I'm happy." No reason, nothings changed, I was just happy. And then I had a good night spent w a good friend and then had a good meltdown on the way home. Of course.

I have an interview Monday, for a job that could be a really good, fun job. Praying that God will open the right door and shove me through it if the job is mine. Haven't had a Jonas breakdown in a while but woke up yesterday crying from a dream I had about Porter. Then tonight the J breakdown came when I realize he'll be 7 next month and I haven't seen him in over a year and a half. Makes no sense to me and I can't think about it because then I can't breath. And I need to continue to breath...

Mike's Chair "Let the Waters Rise"
"Sometimes its so hard to pray when you feel so far awaybut I'm willing to go where you want me to, God I trust you. There's a raging sea right in front of me wants to pull me in bring me to my knees so let the waters rise if you want them to, I will follow you....You were faithful before, you'll be faithful again, Lord I'm holding your hand..."

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stand still and quiet and just be. Because the winds blow, the storm rages, the storm comes and you just have to stand and be. Knowing that this season, this storm, this hurt, hardship or disappointment will move along with the storm clouds.

Weird to admit but over the past few weeks I've forgotten to remember that my life sucks. That I don't have a job, or husband or kids. Because my days have been filled with other things that are keeping me busy. But sometimes you just get slapped across the face with reality and it knocks you down, but it still, amazingly, hasn't knocked me out.

"I must swim in the deep cause you'll be next to me, You're in the eye of the storm and the calming sea, You're never out of Reach, God you know where I've been, you were there with me then. you were faithful before you'll be faithful again, I'm holding your hand. Theres a raging storm right in front of me wants to pull me in but I'll follow you..."

There is a raging sea in front of me trying to pull me down and under. But its been 3 years of raging storms and I havent drowned yet. Must mean that God had me treading water for some reason. Will it be a husband to build a life with or a job to bring some life back into me? Not sure and doesn't matter....

God's working in me and through me. And though sometimes I get down I haven't stayed there. I will follow God. Through the raging seas, through the pathways filled with butterflies...because both will be my yellow brick road to my future. Which comes first, the job or the man? We'll see.....Will continue to pray expectantly, and wait and see....I'm looking and waiting!

Prayer Warriors...

Please pray for Bryce Williams. He's the 9 year old grandson of a dear friend of mine who was diagnosed with bone cancer in Jan. They found out yesterday that he will have to have his leg amputated in March. He's also back in the hospital as his fever spiked. He's having a rough time. I can't imagine the fear and pain and helplessness their family is facing. His parents are Shane and Michelle and his little sister is Savannah.

I know the healing power of prayer. Many people in my family, my mom being one, has been healed of cancer. I know we can't do much to make this easier on them but from reading her online journal I know they feel the prayers of so many. And it's pulling them through.

This week has been full of sad news. Some friends of our family passed away, some were expected some unexpected. Doesn't make it easier either way. Makes you realize how precious life and health are and really puts things in perspective. Tell your family and friends how much you love them and make up with someone you've had disagreements with. Life's too short and sickness and disease are unfair. It's the people going through it with you that means the most.

Xoxo and Godbless!

Nascar, Bleh

SO It was fun. Because I was there with fun people. Don't get me wrong, loved the first 5 laps. But 250?! Seriously? I don't get it. Just don't get it. I guess I'm just a football and basketball gal. I'm happy I went thought. Next stop...Keeneland. At least you get to dress up there and I'm pretty sure the horses don't go 250 laps.

Tomorrow starts a new week and with that comes new, exciting possibilities. No gluten, no dumb guys, going after new volunteer potentials and going to find a job. THIS WEEK!! Something good will happen. Banking on it, believing it, and speaking it as thought it will happen!!

I'm in a good place. Have great family, have great friends, happy with where God has lead me thus far. Looking forward, REALLY looking forward, to see where God takes me next. Really looking forward to God leading me somewhere. Soon. Like tomorrow...

Still working on patience. Clearly!!