Answers. Kind of...

So I talked to the guy today and got some news. But first I kind of had a mini meltdown. I was called a hot head this weekend by a friend. But in the most lovingly of ways. Kind of accurate.

Emailed back and forth with the guy I interviewed with. His email to me at one point was something like "the position you interviewed for has some some internal issues so it's getting pushed back for a start date but if you're interested in relocation I would like to talk to you about another position." So I tell that to Whit, decide to email the guy, although I was a smidge (smidge, uh huh) disappointed I decide to tell him that I'm interested in talking to him about it. During my interview he had asked me my thoughts on relocating. I hesitated and told him that if the circumstances were right I had no problem moving. He said by circumstances you mean if the money was really great you'd go? And I said yes.

So I'm in the middle of responding to his email saying I'd like to discuss this opportunity when for some reason I scrolled down on my blackberry and saw that I had missed the rest of his email. It said that the original position I had interviewed for wasn't going to be available for 30-40 days and I was still being highly considered for the position but he didn't want to make me wait that long without an update and he had this other position he wanted to talk to me about.

SO, I emailed him and said I was most interested in the original position and the 30-40 days wasn't an issue (thank you tax refund) but I'd be open to talking to him about the other position that included relocating. I'm talking to him Wed at 1030.

I wanted an answer and I got one. It wasn't a start date but it was encouraging none the less and I feel like this is the company that I will be working for, job is yet to be decided.

I'm excited about the possibilities. Maybe it will be here and travel. Maybe it will be in a new city or state. Whatever the outcome, I feel like I'll have a job with an exciting company and maybe I'll be going somewhere to start over or maybe I'll just be starting over where I'm at.

Either way, I'm ok....

Today is my best friends bday. Happy Birthday Whit. I spent the day with her and her 2 adorable kids and will spend a few more days being entertained by Trey, Arden and Whit. No better way to pass the time til Wed than with my best friend and enjoying her kids.

I'm blessed. The more I think about it the more I realize it. I have amazingly supportive people in my corner all rooting for me to succeed. And I know that I will.

So, did I get the answer I wanted. Kind of. I just wanted to know that I was at least being considered. And now I'm being considered for 2 positions. Both of which, I'm sure, will be exciting.

I'm a happy girl!

Most thankful

I'm ready for tomorrow. I'm ready for whatever tomorrow brings. God has given me an extra dose of patience and peace this weekend. For that I'm thankful.

There will soon be a day that I start my new job. I'll be part of a team, a company, something I haven't been part of for much too long. I'm now able to bring myself, wholly. I'm able to offer them a confident, ambitious, excited person. I'm ready. For that I'm excited!

I have been meeting a lot of new people lately. I haven't been thinking or concentrating on meeting a man. Of wondering about Mr Right. I've been focused on other areas of my life and instead of planning my life I've been living it. My future isn't as far off as it used to seem and I know that I'm prepared for what will come. And for that I have peace.

I've heard something to the effect of life is what happens while you're busy planning. For the past several years life has been passing me by. And I've gotten by. I'm not ok with just getting by anymore. I'm living my life. I'm dreaming again. I'm dreaming bigger, better, bolder dreams that I haven't allowed myself to believe, until now, were possible. For that I'm happy!

My best days are not behind me. I've had some really great days. I've had some really great seasons. But I know that my best days are ahead of me. I know that the dreams I've started dreaming will be realized. I know that the prayers of so many people are soon going to be my reality. I know that God has equipped me with the confidence, humility, healing and hope that will allow me to thrive, succeed and prosper. For that I'm humbled.

"For as she thinks she is in her heart, so she is."

I think I'm blessed and highly favored. My joy isn't connected to my circumstances. And for that I'm most thankful!

Emotional hot mess and fake contractions...

Emotional hot mess, that would be me. Spent the morning watching my two fave little Slick kids and then a few hours with Whit then made the trip home for my all important phone call. It happened but not how I imagined it going down, mainly that I would have a start date, an amazing salary and perhaps a company car. Ok, being selfish. I have a car. I had a mini meltdown because I was so ready to have an answer that when it didn't come immediately I kind of lost myself for a minute. But I had my best friend, my parents, Nana and a few others to put me back in place.

Satan is on the serious attack, trying everything possible to break me at the last second. And for a split second I crumbled. I have a tax refund coming. Soon. I have a check being deposited. Soon. I have a job opportunity I'll find out more about. Soon. I know it's always darkest right before the dawn and I certainly felt that way today.

I had to keep reminding myself that God will not pull the rug out from under me. Satan might. He can try. But my stiletto is planted firmly with that rug that God placed under held tightly in place with my faith that God brought me here. Right where I'm at. I never lost sight of that reality, just maybe lost sight of understanding that everything will be revealed, in HIS timing. Not Richards, not mine. Again, have tried trading watches with God but I think he's pretty much not budging on this one.

I've said it before I'll say it again. I'm this emotional because I know that my life is going to change. That it's finally my time, my season, my cup is going to run over with blessings. Specifically for me. To better me for His purpose. But the setbacks of doubt, hurt and disappointment are still there. But only because I'm still waiting. For something great. I know it's coming. Mom likened this to Braxton Hix contractions. OR being 3 weeks past your due date as she was with my brother. The not real contractions, the anxiety of waking up every day wondering if this is the day...I totally relate. I'm definitely going through some pains but I know as sure as I'm sitting here that the pain I'm feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. The dawn before the morning.

SO, I'll continue to wait. I'll continue to grow, be led, pray and believe that God is bringing me to it so he'll most definitely continue to bring me through it. And I know, without a doubt, that my season of plenty is right around the corner.

Yay! Big sigh of relief....again!

Best friend and babies

I'm spending the night with my best friend and her family. Selfish visit on my part. I needed to get out of the house, out of Jax, away from anything to get my mind off calling Richard tomorrow at 2 to find out about my job. And also because spending time with Whit and the kids does my heart good.

We've been friends through a lot of life's curveballs. I love that she's a mom. When I got to her house her and Trey were playing a game and they were both laughing and having fun. Then Arden woke up and I got to cuddle with her. Then Trey sat in my lap for 3o minutes, having conversations on my cell phone, playing with my earrings, playing with my hair. He loves his Aunt Miss. Not half as much as I love him.

There was a moment when Whit was giving Trey his dinner and I was holding Arden that I got a little emotional. I thought, one day, some day soon...I'll be here with my babies. We'll be drinking a glass of wine as our kids play and we talk and catch up. She's the friend I am most ready to be there with. Because she was so part of my life w J and now she's such a loving, active mom, I'm ready to share that. I know we will soon.

Tomorrow is the day I talk to Richard. Our sense of urgency are on a different scale. He wants to hire someone to start within a month, I want the job yesterday. I'm still confidant that our conversation tomorrow will bring me the good news I've been waiting so long to receive. To him he'll be giving me a job. To me he'll be giving me a lifeline.

I am ready. So past ready really. But just really excited to see where this course is going to take me. Who I'll meet, where I'll go, what I'll become.

One thing about best friends. They always have your back. She has been encouraging, excited and involved. Not because it was deserved or expected. Because she decided at some point that I was worth being part of. And I love her for that. Because right now all I have to offer is me, and she has her 2 precious little kids and her amazing self to offer me, she's ok with me just being me. Aside from my parents she's encouraged, loved and seen me through the struggles and she's almost as excited as I am to start this new chapter.

Maybe thats what it is about best friends. Give and take. I get to take part in her life with her babies and experience the excitement she's going through as a Mom and wife. And she gets to experience the excitement, roller coasters and drama of being single, waiting for that right job and right man. She's never made me feel less me because I don't have those things. Yet. She's just been there encouraging me that not only are they right around the corner, but also that I deserve all that. And more.

I'm thankful tonight for my friends. I'm praying for a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I get to spend some time with the kids as she runs some errands and then I will get back on the road to Jax. To make my phone call. To see what road I'll be taking from here on out.

I'm blessed, loved and very fortunate. xoxo to you all!

Growing up is hard to do

I've always been blessed with good friends. I've been overly blessed with an amazing family. I know that. I don't take either for granted. But I also am not blind to the realities of how relationships change as you get older.

I dont understand why people don't take care of their family. Whether it's people who don't talk to their parents, or don't go over to sit and talk to their grandparents, or even just ask a cousin, aunt, great uncle, how they're doing. If you don't have family, what do you have? And if you have an amazingly caring family and don't appreciate them while you have them you're going to live a life with a lot of regrets.

Same with friends. As you get older I think you're friendships obviously change. Some strengthen as time and struggles and blessings happen, others don't. I've never been someone who can easily end relationships. I try to see the best in everyone and make excuses for people more times than is probably healthy for me but I won't change that about me. If someone messes up and hurts me I give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean to. But the older I get the harder it is to justify other's hurtful actions.

I'm not meaning this to be a downer blog. I just have seen over the past several months how easy it is to either make someone's day or break their hearts. And because I try to see the best in people I'd like to think that it's not deliberate when people hurt you but maybe they are just preoccupied with other things to take enough care to make sure what they are saying doesn't damage your spirit.

I can't make other people act the right way. I cant make them care enough or do the right thing. But it doesn't stop this tender hearted gal from hurting for people I love that are hurting. So in the hope of world peace (kidding) maybe if you're reading this you can think about these things..

Have I been the best daughter, son, grandchild, friend, aunt, coworker that I can be?

Have I told the people that love me and care about me that I love and care about them?

If you are praying for someone, tell them. It makes them feel good.

If someone is expecting good news, celebrate the hope with them. Don't warn them about the fear of setting yourself up for disappointment.

If someone asks you how you're doing, go on the assumption that they mean it and tell them.

If someone has hurt you and they don't know why, maybe have that conversation with them. Because as hard as it might be, living a life with anger, regret or fear is a life that is wasted.

I'm not trying to be Dr Phil. I'm not trying to act as a professional on relationships. I just know that when you are given much, much is expected. Good, bad and ugly. Make that phone call. Ask for forgiveness, tell that person that you love them or you're sorry. You never really know what other people are going through but I can pretty much promise that if you say one of those 3 things, it will change that person you say it to. And it will change you as well.

Growing up is hard to do but if you surround yourself with those that love you and believe in you then you are a really blessed person!

Emotional rollder coaster...

But for once I don't feel the need to jump off. I emailed with Richard today and he wants to chat on Fri afternoon. He's in Vegas with the company. Soon enough I'll be in Vegas with the company. I'm confidant of that. Still didn't stop me from bursting into tears. Thought I had to wait til Wed. God really has a lot of confidence in me. And apparently is still teaching me patience.

It's a different kind of emotional place I'm in. I'm not waiting for something bad. Not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for news that I know will be great and move me forward. I'm ok with this kind of waiting.

Had a dream about J last night and woke up crying. Nothing new there. But this too was a different kind of dream. He's going to be 7 at the end of this month. My little guy isn't a little guy anymore. I've missed the transition. The dumbest thing made me cry tonight. Saw a boy with a missing front tooth and wondered how many teeth J had lost.

I won't let myself get down. I know that God is taking care of him. I know that somewhere in his heart he knows that he has a family out there that loves him and thinks he's one of the most special kids in the world. Because he is.

So my prayer tonight is that God continues to give me excitement and peace about my job, that is right around the corner. And that he will protect and nurture and keep my J safe and that he'll always, always feel as special as he is.

I'll take whats behind door number 2 please

Behind door 1 was a tax refund. A pretty good one!! Woo hoo!

Now waiting, not so patiently, for what's behind door number 2. Namely, an offer letter with the salary, start date and other essential info for my new job.

He said if I didn't hear from him by Wed to call him. I made it til 2pm today. Which is 4 days longer than I thought I'd make it. Left him a message. I swear, worse than waiting to hear from a guy after a really great date. Every time my phone showed a missed call my heart rate increased...

So I guess I'm not as patient as I had hoped this meantime had made me. But I think it's just kind of not in my genetic make up. It's not an anxious what if I don't get it kind of impatience, it's a can't wait to see how God's going to bless me kind of impatience. Cause I know it's coming.

For the first time in a long time I see the light at the end of the tunnel AND know that, finally, it's not a train speeding towards me!

Happy, content and excited...Woot!