My name's Melissa and I'm an addict...

I'm addicted to guys. I'm addicted to hurting people. With an emphasis on hurting guys. I'll go above and beyond, to the detriment of my own feelings, to help these guys feel better. Also known as "Stray Dog Syndrome."

I thought I'd moved past this. Sad to know that I haven't. Dated a guy. A hot, funny, attractive, fun guy. He was more trouble than he was worth. To most people. To me he was a project who needed fixed, saved, helped.

So what happens? He says things to me that hurt my feelings, I confront him about them and walk away and he blows up my phone with texts of apology before I even leave the parking lot. But I don't need apologies. I don't need someone who will make me cry and go above and beyond and hope for the best. I knew better.

I'm lonely. That's a big red firetruck sign if there ever was one. But I'm also a nurturer and caretaker. I've got to learn that I can't save everyone. I can't bring the strays in and not expect to get eaten up with the mange. I get attached, I want better for them than they want for themselves and I end up with not much more than a bunch of flea bites.

I've got to get past this. I need to get past the circumstances I think I can overcome. Or help them through. I know that I deserve better. I'll find better and I'll be wowed by a guy who wants to take care of me. Not because I'm tan. Not because I'm blonde. Not because of anything other than he sees in me someone who deserves love, respect and admiration....

In the words of Jonny Diaz...

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen
I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care
your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

(CHORUS)There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you'll do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you t
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you

~I'm going to choose to believe this. I've wasted too many tears and had too much heartache over guys that just aren't worth it. I'll still be a good friend. I'll still be a nice person. I just won't put your needs in front of my own, especially when I know you're not worthy or deserving of it.

I'm blessed. Still messed up, obviously, but praying faithfully and expectantly that God will guide me in His will and even when I veer off path, he won't judge or disown, will just nudge me back on track instead.

I'm 31....hopefully soon I'll grow up!

Concierge of crazy

I do a lot for people. I take care of my friends and family. I'm a nurturer and a cake taker, it's what I do. I give more than I get. And I'm done doing it for people that don't reciprocate.

Mother's Day was hard. But I got through it. I continue to get through life.

I'm tired of getting through. I'm ready to live life. I'm not sure how to do that when nothing changes, everything stays the same.

I've invited people into my life who don't deserve to be there. Because I'm bored. Because I've been down on myself. Because I thought maybe attractive by association would be true.

I'm most attractive, most me, most lovable, when I'm busy. When I have stuff going on. When I have multiple outlets for my love, energy, creativity. Right now I've got everything inside me with few outlets and I was trying to make something out of something that never should have been. Because I was bored. I was flattered and I was charmed.

Bored, flattery and charm. 3 tools of the devil. Idle time and all that. Sooo...tomorrow I'm going to find something to do with my time. Something that will bring smiles to others, joy to others, maybe hope to others.

I'm not giving up. I will still be a concierge and help those who need it and will appreciate it. Just, for the last time hopefully, getting the crazy out of my life.

I'm blessed. My heart is heavy right now and I'm fighting the sadness, disappointment and frustration of my current circumstances, but I'm fighting. I will make it through this. And I'll be better for it...

I've been a lot of things...

I miss being a Mom the most. Mother's Day snuck up on me. Been distracted with nonsense and tonight thought about tomorrow. It sucks. I miss Jonas. Always and every day. I can't remember some things about him and it breaks my heart. Because as an adult I know I remember more than a 5 yr old little boy. I pray he remembers me. I pray he knows in his heart, his mind, his memory...somewhere.

Tonight I saw my best friend with her 2 kids. Saw a friend from long ago who I don't see as often as I wish with her daughter. Talked to a friend who has been special to me for the better part of 10+ years who's in town with her son who's in the hospital. I've got friends, family, who have kids they've lost who are heavy on my heart. Friends who want desperately to have kids but haven't yet been blessed with them yet. You can be a lot of things but being a Mom is the most important and special role you'll ever play. I'll have that chance to be that to someone again. I know I will.

This song was on my mind...

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear


Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen... I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know

Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

~Love Sarah McLachlan. She get's me.

Anyhow, I'm blessed with an amazingly patient, honest, giving, selfless Mom. My Nana is also one of the most selfless people I've ever known. I miss Grandma. I have great Aunts. I'm fortunate. I've learned how to be a Mom by some of the best examples I know....

I'm blessed. I'm sad but I'm ok. I'm praying for J on this Mother's Day and I'm praying for myself. That I continue to learn, grow and love!

I got my toes in the water...

Spent the morning with my family and the afternoon at the pool with friends. I really want a job but I figure as long as I'm not working, might as well work on my tan. Beautiful day.

Tomorrow is the boat! Yay! I love boats! And I love being on boats with friends. The past few days has been a weird lesson in something. Lesson is still lost on me. Not great news for my growth.

My Aunt and Uncle were here yesterday and this morning. I love them. I love her, she's always been someone I just connect with, she knows me, she loves me and if anyone in my life can understand the 4000 different emotions I feel at one time, it's her. It's always good for the soul to have a sit down with her.

There's a reason I'm where I am. It doesn't make sense to me and I don't understand it but for whatever reason, I'm here. Should have bought a house in the meantime a long time ago. So frustrating. But, I'm here. I'll make the best and most of it. I won't get comfortable where I'm at, I'll continue to press on and look for better.

I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I was. I look back even a few months ago and see that I've come a long way. When you've traveled on the rocky road that I have, baby steps matter. I feel like I'm getting my footing under me and I'm ready for new ground.

Please God, bring on new ground!

Still blessed, loved and understood. And that is huge!

Bang bang what, and Cinco De Mayo is when?

Many years ago I dated a guy when I was much younger and more naive than I am now. I asked him when Cinco de Mayo was and he answered patronizingly that it was May 5th. I commented something to the effect of was it that time every year. He broke it down for me. Long time joke with my friends how blonde I am. Last week I asked a friend when Cinco de Mayo was and he answered "May 5th" and he couldn't understand why I couldn't stop laughing. Oh my friends understand me so well.

I don't like white stuff. No surprise to anyone who knows me. So my oath today was I'm not celebrating Cinco de Mayo because it has the word "mayo" in it. However, I'm at my best friends and they cook like rockstars. I had carrots with a white dipping something or other. And David made bang bang shrimp that would make Bonefish jealous. Both had white stuff in it. And I ate it. Growth!

I love my best friend. And I love her husband. She gives me the me reality and he gives me the man reality on my life. Both are equally helpful and insightful.

Had kind of a weird day. I'm learning lessons from all the people in my life, from crazy to sane, and they are all helping me be more me. David explained the male perspective and apparently since he's been married to my best friend for a few years he knows me better than I'd like to admit. And Whit knows me better than anyone. They both gave me a good talking to and I gained a new perspective on things.

Life is crazy how it works. A few years ago I had a little boy on my hip calling me Mom Missy who was my world. Today I had Trey at the store with Whit and took him to the car with him on my hip, unloading groceries. Just reaffirmed everything I've known. I'm a mom. I will be a mom and I'll be happy, full filled and content. But for the time being I can be fun Fun Aunt Miss who lets him get away with more than Mommy or Daddy does...he loves me! And Arden is still young but so cute and soon she'll have the Aunt Miss influence showing in her.

Groundhog's day isn't choosy. It can be the single girl looking for love and a job, a mother who takes care of kids or a grandmother who loves and worries about her family day in and day out. Life is what it is. What we can do is make the best of it and I'm making the best of it with the best people I know.

I'm blessed. I'm hopeful for my future, trying not to over analyze my present and thankful that my past has taught me what I know, what I believe and what I will change for my future. I have great people who support me. If everyone could be so lucky...

Ohh blah. At least I have sassy shoes!

Trying so hard to be optimistic. Really. I am. Life makes it's tough.

I've been out of work for 15 months. And people who are out of work or have been out of work understand. You're either under qualified, over qualified or have an email response to a resume you sent out that goes something like this..."Your resume is extremely impressive, your accomplishments are above and beyond and you seem intelligent, persist ant and talented. Now, let me tell you all the negatives about this job, and if I were you I'd probably pass :) (yes he put a smiley face) but if you're still interested I'd love to interview you." Uh huh. This is what happens in the land of bizarro world that I reside in.

Also tonight I realized I need a hobby that doesn't include testosterone. Good distraction for a moment but then my care taking nurturing stray dog syndrome kicks in and I get attached. To guys I need not get attached to. "You choose who you date, not who you fall in love with." Best advice Mom ever gave me. And I'm no where close to being in love with anyone but I certainly am in a like stage with a few people. Thin ice. I hate thin ice. I have an attorney that won't call me back, a boss who goes MIA, a guy who I'm interested in who is a bad boy wanna be who really is sensitive and caring and a guy who has his life completely on track. But they are all driving me mad!!

Going to see the best friend tomorrow and she always helps me put things in perspective.

I'm blessed. Even when I'm crazy and feeling neurotic I know that my life could be a lot worse. I'd like it to be a lot better. So ready for it to be better. Please continue to pray for my sanity, my job, and my parents. After all, they are the ones who get to deal with me everyday!

Clock's not working...

Because according to my clock, phone, calender and anything else I've looked at, it's showing it's May 3. Not possible, because I can't have been out of work THIS LONG!!

Groundhog day. Hated the movie, hate living it every single day. Nothing changes. It's driving me mad! By the time my friends get out of work I'm blowing up their texts trying to find something to do, to get me out of the house. This is the longest stretch I've been without a job and not gone to KY. Maybe a trip North is in order.

Guys are still driving me a little mad as well. I know I need to stop being so abrasive and quick to cut someone off when they do or don't do something I think they should, or shouldn't. I wear my heart on my sleeve, however, when it comes to talking to guys about my feelings...14' concrete walls go up immediately around me. We can talk about sports, family, shoes, food, whatever...ask me what I'm feeling and I'm going to shut down. Tick me off and I'm going to shut down. I'm a work in progress....clearly.

Sent out a fresh batch of resumes. Again. Something will happen. And something will happen soon. I will find a man I like who treats me as I should be treated. I will find a job that challenges me, HIRES ME WITH A START DATE, and pays me well. I'm getting the heck out of the meantime even it it kills me. Hasn't yet, odds are good that it probably wont.

I get sad, frustrated, melancholy, annoyed, and over it. But then I sit back and gain some perspective and realize I do have things I need to get in order but as I've done what I can do I'll continue to wait out this meantime.

I can't get mad that 2 attractive, successful men find me funny and want to spend time with. I can't get upset that I have great friends who talk me down from the ledge. And I can't be anything other than completely humbled to know that there are people I don't even know praying for my strength, that I keep fighting, keep growing and keep moving forward.

I'm blessed. More and more everyday blessed. Today it was a great hair day and it may not be much but it was good enough for me. Tomorrow the bar will slightly be raised.

Baby steps. But they're still moving me in the right direction. Either on my knees in prayer or walking with one foot in front of the other. Moving forward and not looking back Without a map. I'd say all things considered, I'm doing alright!!

Tomorrow will be better!