Nana had surgery today and came thru it really well. So thankful. That is one special lady. I talked to her yesterday and in the middle of nowhere she said, "Now Missy, you need to write a book. And I mean right now." I was like, where'd that come from? She said, well I've been reading your blog and you need to write a book so other people can read this. I love that woman. I told her there's a book inside me, one day she'll get to read it.
Wouldn't be half the woman I am today if it weren't for her. She has loved me and prayed me through more than you can imagine. Everytime I'd get down and frustrated she'd let me, then would remind me that I'd have all I need in God's timing. Nana was right. As she so often is. I love that special lady! I pray everyone has a Nana in their life.
Oh the joys and drama of social networking. I had over 500 friends on both my facebooks and I cleaned house and it felt good. Drama was deleted. People that didn't need direct insight into my life was deleted. Some just deleted because I didn't know who they were. Just like this blog, sometimes I consider deleting my facebook because people try to make it ugly. But the past few years, months, days, I've put prayer requests out there, put private requests for prayer out there and am always overwhelmed with how willing people are to take time out of their lives to pray for me and my family and circumstances. Things meant for good only become bad when people make them ugly. I have taken the ugly out.
Encouraged by the quality of the people I am seeing at work. I know that this year will be successful. I know I'm right where I am meant to be and I am selling the right homes to the right people. What a great gift that is to be able to help people into their dream. I love my job.
I continue to do what I need to do and I know the sales will come. I'm so much looking forward to this year.
My hope. My hope is for so much. But above all my hope is in God. I know that life will always be hard. Sometimes harder than others. But when hard things come up and you are covered in prayer, good can come out of it.
Aaron Shust sings it best, "My hope is, in you Lord, all the day long. I won't be shaken by drought or storm. A peace that passes understanding is my song and I sing, my hope is in you Lord."
A peace that passes understanding is my song. That's a pretty good song to have. Why am I blessed with all that I have? Despite my mistakes, my divorce, my choices, I have everything I have ever wanted. People criticize me. Tell me how I feel. Tell me I'm not a Christian. That I think I'm perfect. "I won't be shaken by drought or storm." My life has chaos I don't understand and sometimes seems more than I can deal with. But I always have what I need. "A peace that passes understanding is my song." When the world is against me, when Satan is laughing in my face, when the giants seem too big..."I sing, my hope is in you Lord."
Satan doesn't often bring out the big guns for the weak. For the ones who won't fight back. If Satan is attacking this hard, I can promise you this. God has some mighty blessings headed towards the Neu's in 2012. And Satan won't win. His minions won't bring me down. My feet are planted firmly in HIS word, in HIS promises, and Satan can't fight that. Neither can the haters. And that makes me smile.
A peace that passes understanding is my song. Can't be mad with that in my head. What song is playing in yours?
Blessed because my God is bigger than all this. And I am so excited about where we're going!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Welcome to the crazy
I've gotten an update that my blog viewership has drastically increased over the past few days. I'd like to welcome everyone, new and old. This blog over the past few years has been an outlet for me. And I'm thankful for it. If nothing else it serves as a great read for what God can do in someone's life. I encourage you to read back through the years. It's a story of sorrow, pain, loss, triumph, determination and grace.
I don't understand people. So many people hurting so many people. There are people in my life fighting real problems. Cancer, surgery, unemployment, infertility, divorce, broken relationships. So the minutia kills me. The older I get the less patient I get for disrespect, ugliness, arrogance, entitlement.
Spiritual warfare is a very real thing. In this very ugly world. Whenever you cleanse or detox yourself you fight some sort of reaction. Shakes, headaches, mood changes. When you live you life to glorify God, to take care of those around you, to live your life for a purpose beyond yourself, Satan goes on the attack. I'd welcome headaches and shakes over this. Lies, betrayal, hurt. It's not fun. But God never said life would be easy, He only said we'd never have to go alone.
My Christianity has been called into question. Gotta love the judgers huh? I make mistakes. Everyday. I react negatively. Everyday. I also have something called grace. I pray. Everyday. A lot. To be a good steward with what I've been given. To be whatever I can to whoever I meet that day. I pray for forgiveness for when I act out of line. For when I have bad thoughts. Its human nature. Thankfully I have a God I answer to, not humans. People let you down. Luckily my God is a lot more forgiving than people I don't even know who judge me.
I've never in my life been so hated. Had my character and my reasoning and the things I do called into question. It doesn't and won't make me stop though. If there's one underlying message from this blog it's that all this does is fuel me to love harder, give more, try to understand deeper.
Jason and I are fighting battles. As does everyone. We are fortunate enough to have a solid belief that God will guide us in His way for the best for our life. That sounds nice. In reality the road is paved with so many boulders and potholes and craters being blasted that it's hard. So hard. Some days harder than others.
"When you come to the edge of all the light you see and you are about to step off into the darkness, faith is believing one of 2 things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on, or you'll find your wings to fly."
We are stepping off into darkness. Dodging bullets as they come. But this battle isn't ours. The battle isn't yours. David and Goliath...what you make your giant becomes bigger. David was facing a real giant and God gave him 5 pebbles. Ha. Can you imagine? It'd be like Tim Tebow in overtime against the Steelers. Oh wait. Nice reference huh? David prayed over the pebbles and God took care of the rest.
Mustard seeds, pebbles, faith like a child. I have that. I'm praying Jason stands in that as well. Because God has made something beautiful out of our ugly pasts. And He's going to make something beautiful out of this.
In the end, God will be glorified for the blessings, for the joys, for the abundance of gifts He has for us. I don't want an ending to this. I'm praying, faithfully, for a beautiful ending to this.
I'm blessed because I know who has my back. Who has yours?
I don't understand people. So many people hurting so many people. There are people in my life fighting real problems. Cancer, surgery, unemployment, infertility, divorce, broken relationships. So the minutia kills me. The older I get the less patient I get for disrespect, ugliness, arrogance, entitlement.
Spiritual warfare is a very real thing. In this very ugly world. Whenever you cleanse or detox yourself you fight some sort of reaction. Shakes, headaches, mood changes. When you live you life to glorify God, to take care of those around you, to live your life for a purpose beyond yourself, Satan goes on the attack. I'd welcome headaches and shakes over this. Lies, betrayal, hurt. It's not fun. But God never said life would be easy, He only said we'd never have to go alone.
My Christianity has been called into question. Gotta love the judgers huh? I make mistakes. Everyday. I react negatively. Everyday. I also have something called grace. I pray. Everyday. A lot. To be a good steward with what I've been given. To be whatever I can to whoever I meet that day. I pray for forgiveness for when I act out of line. For when I have bad thoughts. Its human nature. Thankfully I have a God I answer to, not humans. People let you down. Luckily my God is a lot more forgiving than people I don't even know who judge me.
I've never in my life been so hated. Had my character and my reasoning and the things I do called into question. It doesn't and won't make me stop though. If there's one underlying message from this blog it's that all this does is fuel me to love harder, give more, try to understand deeper.
Jason and I are fighting battles. As does everyone. We are fortunate enough to have a solid belief that God will guide us in His way for the best for our life. That sounds nice. In reality the road is paved with so many boulders and potholes and craters being blasted that it's hard. So hard. Some days harder than others.
"When you come to the edge of all the light you see and you are about to step off into the darkness, faith is believing one of 2 things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on, or you'll find your wings to fly."
We are stepping off into darkness. Dodging bullets as they come. But this battle isn't ours. The battle isn't yours. David and Goliath...what you make your giant becomes bigger. David was facing a real giant and God gave him 5 pebbles. Ha. Can you imagine? It'd be like Tim Tebow in overtime against the Steelers. Oh wait. Nice reference huh? David prayed over the pebbles and God took care of the rest.
Mustard seeds, pebbles, faith like a child. I have that. I'm praying Jason stands in that as well. Because God has made something beautiful out of our ugly pasts. And He's going to make something beautiful out of this.
In the end, God will be glorified for the blessings, for the joys, for the abundance of gifts He has for us. I don't want an ending to this. I'm praying, faithfully, for a beautiful ending to this.
I'm blessed because I know who has my back. Who has yours?
Friday, January 6, 2012
Chin hairs, high heels and heartache
I am blonde and don't have a lot of unwanted hair. Thankfully. I have the threader spring thing to make sure I dont look like Chewbacca. I have a thing with plucking. Ask Jason. It's one of the reasons he married me. Ha, kidding. He hates it. But I make sure that I don't have a blonde uni brow, mustache, yada yada. Never been an issue. Last night I found a dark chin hair. I'm pretty sure it's all downhill from here.
This blog has a broader audience than I realized. I have always lived my life with my heart on my sleeve. I can't change that about myself. This blog started out as something for me to get my feelings outside of myself because it's the only way I can process my thoughts. Through my posts I get emails and comments that it's encouraged someone. Or touched someone. Or made someone else think about things differently. That makes me keep blogging.
I'm not ashamed of what I've gone through. On the other side of miserable, lonely and sad now I can look back through the blogs and see the steps I've gone through towards healing. And who it brought me too. That anyone would use this blog as anything other than what it's intended for makes me sad. Because I live my life to make other's feel special. To help other's through their journeys. To share in the stories these blogs bring to my life. If I made someone feel less lonely then it's worth the transparency I bring.
Life has gotten really complicated over the past few days. Marrying a man who had kids was something I shy'd away from for a long time because of what I went through. I prayed that God would lead me to the right man for me. And He did. And he had 3 kids.
The story starts there. My mom tonight told me that she has been praying for the circumstances in her life to not have an ending but a beautiful ending. How do you get there other than having a starting point..
Anytime you come into anyone else's life you bring baggage. And I have always said that I have baggage. But my baggage is the expensive, pretty kind. Totally being literal here because my Ralph Lauren baggage is pretty. My emotional baggge is not. The man I married had baggage. And the more in the baggage I get the more I see what it is. It's 3 beautiful kids who are confused. They live 2 separate lives. With us and without us. We pray for them every night. That we can be the right example, that they are loved and protected. That they know we love them and have their best interest at heart. Always.
Sometimes the right answer isn't the easiest answer. Sometimes the decision we make through tears have to be made. And we are able to make those decisions because they are covered in prayer. Kids don't always understand. And that's a hard line to toe. Even harder in high heels. But we as the parents have an obligation to make the best decision for the kids. Even when it hurts.
There's a lot I would like to say but I have to not right now. When you make your life about someone else it's a recipe for disaster. I've said this before and in the wise words of Max Lucado, what you dwell on becomes your giant. I can't control how others look at me. I can't control how other's live their lives. What I can control is what I dwell on and what I choose to make larger in my life.
2012 is a pruning year. It's the 6th day in the year and it's been a tough 6 days. It's been hard choices, a lot of prayer and even more heartache. I didn't always understand the reasoning behind my parents decisions when I was growing up. With kids now that fall under our influence I have a greater appreciation.
People will judge. It's human nature. People will envy. It's human nature. What isn't human nature is hurting other's out of spite and resentment. Or maybe that is a human nature for some. That makes me sad. It's time we all take a hard look in the mirror and make sure we are living a life that is honest, real and sincere. That the decisions we make for ourselves that affect others aren't done on a whim.
My life is transparent. I have a husband I adore. I have 3 stepkids I love. I have parents and inlaws who are so supportive it makes me stand in awe. If they have so much love for us, if they have our best at heart, how much more does our Father God have for us?
I've had 4 amazing male examples in my life. My dad, my Papaw, my Popsy and my husband. They have protected me. They have adored me. They have disciplined me. They have scolded me when I was wrong and they have directed me. They have guided me and they have loved me. They have never judged me. I love them all. I respect them all. Not because they always told me what I wanted to hear. Not because they always gave in to everything I asked for. Because they have all loved me enough to tell me No when it was needed. To listen to me. To trust in me. And I respect them all for that. I feel so safe in my husband's arms. How much more does our Heavenly Father want to comfort me?
One of my favorite songs right now is "Always" by Kristian Stanfill "My foes are many, they rise against me But I will hold my ground I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm My help is on the way, my help is on the way."
My foes are many. But this battle is not mine to fight. Jason and I are united in loving our 3 kids, we are united in growing our relationship and we are united in supporting each other.
Through chin hairs, heartache and tears, we will stand together. Him 6'3 and handsome. Me in my high heels, we'll carry on through life with our beautiful baggage we will never give up on, replace or let go of.
Blessed because God is guiding us. I pray the same for you.
This blog has a broader audience than I realized. I have always lived my life with my heart on my sleeve. I can't change that about myself. This blog started out as something for me to get my feelings outside of myself because it's the only way I can process my thoughts. Through my posts I get emails and comments that it's encouraged someone. Or touched someone. Or made someone else think about things differently. That makes me keep blogging.
I'm not ashamed of what I've gone through. On the other side of miserable, lonely and sad now I can look back through the blogs and see the steps I've gone through towards healing. And who it brought me too. That anyone would use this blog as anything other than what it's intended for makes me sad. Because I live my life to make other's feel special. To help other's through their journeys. To share in the stories these blogs bring to my life. If I made someone feel less lonely then it's worth the transparency I bring.
Life has gotten really complicated over the past few days. Marrying a man who had kids was something I shy'd away from for a long time because of what I went through. I prayed that God would lead me to the right man for me. And He did. And he had 3 kids.
The story starts there. My mom tonight told me that she has been praying for the circumstances in her life to not have an ending but a beautiful ending. How do you get there other than having a starting point..
Anytime you come into anyone else's life you bring baggage. And I have always said that I have baggage. But my baggage is the expensive, pretty kind. Totally being literal here because my Ralph Lauren baggage is pretty. My emotional baggge is not. The man I married had baggage. And the more in the baggage I get the more I see what it is. It's 3 beautiful kids who are confused. They live 2 separate lives. With us and without us. We pray for them every night. That we can be the right example, that they are loved and protected. That they know we love them and have their best interest at heart. Always.
Sometimes the right answer isn't the easiest answer. Sometimes the decision we make through tears have to be made. And we are able to make those decisions because they are covered in prayer. Kids don't always understand. And that's a hard line to toe. Even harder in high heels. But we as the parents have an obligation to make the best decision for the kids. Even when it hurts.
There's a lot I would like to say but I have to not right now. When you make your life about someone else it's a recipe for disaster. I've said this before and in the wise words of Max Lucado, what you dwell on becomes your giant. I can't control how others look at me. I can't control how other's live their lives. What I can control is what I dwell on and what I choose to make larger in my life.
2012 is a pruning year. It's the 6th day in the year and it's been a tough 6 days. It's been hard choices, a lot of prayer and even more heartache. I didn't always understand the reasoning behind my parents decisions when I was growing up. With kids now that fall under our influence I have a greater appreciation.
People will judge. It's human nature. People will envy. It's human nature. What isn't human nature is hurting other's out of spite and resentment. Or maybe that is a human nature for some. That makes me sad. It's time we all take a hard look in the mirror and make sure we are living a life that is honest, real and sincere. That the decisions we make for ourselves that affect others aren't done on a whim.
My life is transparent. I have a husband I adore. I have 3 stepkids I love. I have parents and inlaws who are so supportive it makes me stand in awe. If they have so much love for us, if they have our best at heart, how much more does our Father God have for us?
I've had 4 amazing male examples in my life. My dad, my Papaw, my Popsy and my husband. They have protected me. They have adored me. They have disciplined me. They have scolded me when I was wrong and they have directed me. They have guided me and they have loved me. They have never judged me. I love them all. I respect them all. Not because they always told me what I wanted to hear. Not because they always gave in to everything I asked for. Because they have all loved me enough to tell me No when it was needed. To listen to me. To trust in me. And I respect them all for that. I feel so safe in my husband's arms. How much more does our Heavenly Father want to comfort me?
One of my favorite songs right now is "Always" by Kristian Stanfill "My foes are many, they rise against me But I will hold my ground I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm My help is on the way, my help is on the way."
My foes are many. But this battle is not mine to fight. Jason and I are united in loving our 3 kids, we are united in growing our relationship and we are united in supporting each other.
Through chin hairs, heartache and tears, we will stand together. Him 6'3 and handsome. Me in my high heels, we'll carry on through life with our beautiful baggage we will never give up on, replace or let go of.
Blessed because God is guiding us. I pray the same for you.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Skiing, family and drama...
This Christmas was one for the books. We surprised the kids with a trip to KY and skiing. And a game at Rupp arena, my favorite place on earth. Sold out game and dad was able to get 15 seats so a whole group of our family got to sit together and had a blast. And made so many memories. It was wonderful.
And now back to reality.
Today on the way to work I prayed, as I always do. That my heart would be right. That I would be able to be whatever I was needed to be to whoever I met or talked to. That I would have a servant's heart no matter the situation or whatever was thrown at me. I felt good.
That lasted until about 2pm. When I found out that the bain of my existence had again reared it's (her) ugly head.
My life is so great. It's more than I could have ever asked for. On the trip back from KY I had 12 hours to do nothing so I read back through this blog. It's amazing to me how far God has brought me. The amazing man I have in Jason. Seeing him in KY with all my family warmed my heart. So many people hugged me and told me how great it was to see me so happy. To see me so me compared to the last time they had seen me. It's hard not to compare when you find yourself in situations you've been in before. When my ex husband went to KY with me it was terrible. It was me constantly making sure he was ok. That his feelings weren't hurt. That he wasn't feeling left out. I lost him at one point during the trip and I found him outside crying. Because he was upset about something. Did I mention it was for my Papaw's funeral that he was there? I spent my time making sure he was taken care of. This trip I lost Jason a few times. I found him playing basketball with the kids outside. Or helping my aunt fold clothes. Or talking to Nana. The differences will never be lost on me.
I will never get tired of saying how much I love that man and how thankful I am that he is in my life. He jokes and says he saved me. He didn't. I was in a really good place when I met him. But everyday he shows me what unconditional love is. What it means to love someone else more than yourself. I'm so blessed.
The trip had some lows. As life always does. Things with my family are still disappointing. Some people will always judge and hurt others. That's their issue. It's not mine. My parents are so giving. They give and give and give. And when it hurts to give sometimes, they give more. Is a good lesson in loving unconditionally. I'm still learning that.
There are a few people in my life that try their best to make it miserable. Daily. Trying to one up our parenting and steal the joy we share with the kids. It won't work. One day the kids will realize what it is we have given them. We may try to one up. Actually we do try. Everyday. To love them more, encourage them more and spend quality time with them that matters. It will matter to them one day when the thrill of trips, and clothes and tv's and electronics wears off. We give them that. And so much more. You can't buy love. Or memories. I'm holding on to that.
There are a few people in my family who hurt me. There are a few friends who have deleted me. They were there for me when I was miserable, they can't stand to be around me now that I'm happy. I don't rub what I have in anyone's face. But you can't hide what's real. You can say all day over facebook how much you love your life. Doesn't make it true.
I was annoyed today with the posers. I was angry with the people who copy me. I was ready to punch a few people for hurting those I love. But I prayed about it. Then I went to dinner with my handsome husband and had a nice dinner. I fell more in love with my husband tonight. If there's anything I could wish for others it would be that. That you find and know what falling MORE in love with someone feels like. It's pretty incredible.
You can't fake what's real. You can try. And what you end up with is a cheap substitution of what you'll never have. Keeping up with the Neu's can't happen. We're on the fast track to continuing the wonderful life we have together. If you're desperate to find that happiness, you have to find it for yourself. Copying what we have wont bring anything except wearing the wrong jewelry with the wrong shirt, looking goofy and going broke trying.
2011 brought me a husband, success at a job I love, a stronger relationship with 3 special kids and a great year with my parents, in laws and family.
2012 will bring much of the same. I'm praying for new friends, a church that we can call home, renewed friendships, more success at work, a great year with our kids, parents and family. And hopefully a neu baby (or 2)
God has blessed me with so much. And when much is given much is expected. I still stumble, I still fall. But as I told the kids on the ski slopes as they were crying out of frustration because they had fallen hard...the only way to get down is to get back up again. And the complete joy on their faces as they were flying down the slopes once they got back up, brushed the snow from their suits, is a great reminder that life isn't always easy but the journey is more than worth the frustration of the fall!
Blessed and excited to see what this year holds for the Neu's!
And now back to reality.
Today on the way to work I prayed, as I always do. That my heart would be right. That I would be able to be whatever I was needed to be to whoever I met or talked to. That I would have a servant's heart no matter the situation or whatever was thrown at me. I felt good.
That lasted until about 2pm. When I found out that the bain of my existence had again reared it's (her) ugly head.
My life is so great. It's more than I could have ever asked for. On the trip back from KY I had 12 hours to do nothing so I read back through this blog. It's amazing to me how far God has brought me. The amazing man I have in Jason. Seeing him in KY with all my family warmed my heart. So many people hugged me and told me how great it was to see me so happy. To see me so me compared to the last time they had seen me. It's hard not to compare when you find yourself in situations you've been in before. When my ex husband went to KY with me it was terrible. It was me constantly making sure he was ok. That his feelings weren't hurt. That he wasn't feeling left out. I lost him at one point during the trip and I found him outside crying. Because he was upset about something. Did I mention it was for my Papaw's funeral that he was there? I spent my time making sure he was taken care of. This trip I lost Jason a few times. I found him playing basketball with the kids outside. Or helping my aunt fold clothes. Or talking to Nana. The differences will never be lost on me.
I will never get tired of saying how much I love that man and how thankful I am that he is in my life. He jokes and says he saved me. He didn't. I was in a really good place when I met him. But everyday he shows me what unconditional love is. What it means to love someone else more than yourself. I'm so blessed.
The trip had some lows. As life always does. Things with my family are still disappointing. Some people will always judge and hurt others. That's their issue. It's not mine. My parents are so giving. They give and give and give. And when it hurts to give sometimes, they give more. Is a good lesson in loving unconditionally. I'm still learning that.
There are a few people in my life that try their best to make it miserable. Daily. Trying to one up our parenting and steal the joy we share with the kids. It won't work. One day the kids will realize what it is we have given them. We may try to one up. Actually we do try. Everyday. To love them more, encourage them more and spend quality time with them that matters. It will matter to them one day when the thrill of trips, and clothes and tv's and electronics wears off. We give them that. And so much more. You can't buy love. Or memories. I'm holding on to that.
There are a few people in my family who hurt me. There are a few friends who have deleted me. They were there for me when I was miserable, they can't stand to be around me now that I'm happy. I don't rub what I have in anyone's face. But you can't hide what's real. You can say all day over facebook how much you love your life. Doesn't make it true.
I was annoyed today with the posers. I was angry with the people who copy me. I was ready to punch a few people for hurting those I love. But I prayed about it. Then I went to dinner with my handsome husband and had a nice dinner. I fell more in love with my husband tonight. If there's anything I could wish for others it would be that. That you find and know what falling MORE in love with someone feels like. It's pretty incredible.
You can't fake what's real. You can try. And what you end up with is a cheap substitution of what you'll never have. Keeping up with the Neu's can't happen. We're on the fast track to continuing the wonderful life we have together. If you're desperate to find that happiness, you have to find it for yourself. Copying what we have wont bring anything except wearing the wrong jewelry with the wrong shirt, looking goofy and going broke trying.
2011 brought me a husband, success at a job I love, a stronger relationship with 3 special kids and a great year with my parents, in laws and family.
2012 will bring much of the same. I'm praying for new friends, a church that we can call home, renewed friendships, more success at work, a great year with our kids, parents and family. And hopefully a neu baby (or 2)
God has blessed me with so much. And when much is given much is expected. I still stumble, I still fall. But as I told the kids on the ski slopes as they were crying out of frustration because they had fallen hard...the only way to get down is to get back up again. And the complete joy on their faces as they were flying down the slopes once they got back up, brushed the snow from their suits, is a great reminder that life isn't always easy but the journey is more than worth the frustration of the fall!
Blessed and excited to see what this year holds for the Neu's!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Where are you Christmas?
More accurately, where are you Christmas weather? 78 degrees is beautiful weather. For October. I need a blustery cold wind 5 days before Christmas.
This Christmas is very special. I get to share it with my handsome husband. People talk about marrying your best friend. Loving someone more everyday. It's all true. I am so in love with that man.
We're working on expanding the Neu Crew. What a test in patience. And what an exciting thing to share with someone you love so much. I know he's a great Dad. I know how loving and attentive and fun he is. I can't wait to see the child(ren?) God blesses us with. The kids are beyond ready for us to have a baby. K prays I have a baby girl and A always prays for twins or triplets. L prayed I'd have 87 boys and 87 girls. I have to pray for Jason's sanity. I know the girls and L are going to be such a great big brother and sisters. They ask every time I see them when I'm going to have a baby. And A keeps telling me we just have to keep asking God to put a baby in my belly. I love those kids.
What a test of patience this is. It's kind of the ultimate lesson in you do what you can and leave the timing to God. I know that when this happens for us it will be because it is God's will and time for us. I have been pregnant before. I don't remember anything about it. How I felt physically or anything because it was during such a dark period of my life. It wasn't God's timing. I understand that now, even though the pain of loss was so great for a long time. But that pregnancy couldn't be anymore different than my pregnancy will be when it happens. This time I get to share it with a man who adores me, who I love with my whole heart and who I can't wait to share this with. And see who our baby will look like. Friends joke that he/she will come out with a big smile and straight, white teeth. We have Dr Rumble to thank for that smile!
I miss J. He's been on my heart and mind and in my dreams a lot lately. He loved Christmas. That was a love of mine that I was able to pass on to him. I hope he still has that love in his heart and somewhere in his heart and mind he has good memories of the Christmas' we shared together he was a young boy.
My heart is filled with excitement, joy, hope and wonder. This Christmas will be a very special Christmas for our family. I'm praying for healing, restoration, understanding and forgiveness. I'm praying for babies, and memories, and family and fun.
I know how badly things hurt when they are done outside of God's plan. I, thankfully, have a real understanding of how overwhelming things are when they are blessed by God's favor. My job is still bringing success and is something I love. My husband makes me laugh every day and he's my best friend. Our kids are healthy and happy and settled. Our families are a huge part of our lives and we are blessed with great parents.
This Christmas season was stressful. Over planning, overspending, over stressing. "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Thanks Grinch for the reminder. This Christmas we are spending with family. This Christmas we are making memories. This Christmas we will celebrate the true meaning.
I'll enjoy the beautiful sunshine as a reminder that God's love and His promises of a brighter future for us all.
Merry Christmas!
This Christmas is very special. I get to share it with my handsome husband. People talk about marrying your best friend. Loving someone more everyday. It's all true. I am so in love with that man.
We're working on expanding the Neu Crew. What a test in patience. And what an exciting thing to share with someone you love so much. I know he's a great Dad. I know how loving and attentive and fun he is. I can't wait to see the child(ren?) God blesses us with. The kids are beyond ready for us to have a baby. K prays I have a baby girl and A always prays for twins or triplets. L prayed I'd have 87 boys and 87 girls. I have to pray for Jason's sanity. I know the girls and L are going to be such a great big brother and sisters. They ask every time I see them when I'm going to have a baby. And A keeps telling me we just have to keep asking God to put a baby in my belly. I love those kids.
What a test of patience this is. It's kind of the ultimate lesson in you do what you can and leave the timing to God. I know that when this happens for us it will be because it is God's will and time for us. I have been pregnant before. I don't remember anything about it. How I felt physically or anything because it was during such a dark period of my life. It wasn't God's timing. I understand that now, even though the pain of loss was so great for a long time. But that pregnancy couldn't be anymore different than my pregnancy will be when it happens. This time I get to share it with a man who adores me, who I love with my whole heart and who I can't wait to share this with. And see who our baby will look like. Friends joke that he/she will come out with a big smile and straight, white teeth. We have Dr Rumble to thank for that smile!
I miss J. He's been on my heart and mind and in my dreams a lot lately. He loved Christmas. That was a love of mine that I was able to pass on to him. I hope he still has that love in his heart and somewhere in his heart and mind he has good memories of the Christmas' we shared together he was a young boy.
My heart is filled with excitement, joy, hope and wonder. This Christmas will be a very special Christmas for our family. I'm praying for healing, restoration, understanding and forgiveness. I'm praying for babies, and memories, and family and fun.
I know how badly things hurt when they are done outside of God's plan. I, thankfully, have a real understanding of how overwhelming things are when they are blessed by God's favor. My job is still bringing success and is something I love. My husband makes me laugh every day and he's my best friend. Our kids are healthy and happy and settled. Our families are a huge part of our lives and we are blessed with great parents.
This Christmas season was stressful. Over planning, overspending, over stressing. "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Thanks Grinch for the reminder. This Christmas we are spending with family. This Christmas we are making memories. This Christmas we will celebrate the true meaning.
I'll enjoy the beautiful sunshine as a reminder that God's love and His promises of a brighter future for us all.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Oh baby
Been awhile since my last post. I realize how important it is for me to get what I'm feeling on the inside, out. Otherwise it recirculates in my mind and I've made progress but I'm still quite neurotic.
I'm doing the 30 days of Thanks for the month of November. A lot of my thanks are redundant but it's because it's so real. My love for Jason. Grace. Forgiveness. Healing. I've come a long way over the past few years. Still got some room for improvement. Stepkids, husband, job, family, friends. It's a constant juggle. It's getting (somewhat) easier.
I still struggle with resentment. It's hard to go through what I went through with so much judgement. Even if it was delivered with kindness it was still judgement. I didn't move on fast enough for some people. I was sad too long for others. For some I just needed to get over it so I could move on. They didnt realize I had to get through it, to get over it, to heal, to move on. It's a process. I don't expect a lot of people to understand but it also still hurts that people judged how I handled my loss.
I see facebook posts daily of people who have kids. So thankful for their kids. Can't get enough of their kids. Rightfully so. Kids are an amazing addition to your family and it's a love you can't describe. I wonder if their kids were suddenly taken from their life if they'd be able to still smile. Move on. Get over it. Just wait to have more kids...cause that'll take the pain away. Actually, it kind of doesn't. I miss J all the time. Since the last day I saw him I've missed him. I love the kids I have in my life now. I enjoy going to their schools, festivals, games, dances. I love shopping for their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, slumber parties. I love doing crafts with them, baking with them. I am happy. It doesn't erase the hole in my heart for him. He's playing soccer. He's in 3rd grade. He's out there. Somewhere. He's not the little boy I last saw. He's a little man. I appreciate that we move on. But time healing all wounds isn't accurate. Sometimes it's easier than others but I will never stop loving, praying and caring for that special lil guy I had for 4 years. I read that scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Righfully so. If you go through the pain, you should be rewarded somehow.
Someone in my life likes to tell me that I don't have my own kids so I don't know how to mother. It's a dig made to hurt. And it does. Even though it's not true, it still hurts. I didn't give birth to J, but I loved him with every part of who I am. I didn't give birth to K, A and L but it doesnt stop me from loving them with all my heart. Even though I miss J more everyday, it doesnt stop me from loving them. From trying to show them how to love deeper, more. How to believe, trust and serve God. How to show love, respect and compassion to themselves and others. I don't have my own kids. But I believe I was picked by God to raise the 4 that have been placed in my life. I'm not trying to be their mom. They have one. I'm trying to be the best Missy I can to them.
With that being said, Jason and I are trying to have a bundle of joy of our own. A kid that will come out smiling a big smile that both mommy and daddy have. Hopefully with his sense of humor, my wit, our love, sense of family and belief in a God who loves us more than we can imagine. I thought I've been tested before in patience. Nothing like this. Wanting something to badly with someone I love so deeply is humbling. Because this is 100% in God's timing. And I believe. Even when I get sad, frustrated, impatient, have issues with ovulation kits (WHOLE other blog)
I know beyond any shadow of doubt, that I will have that wonderful man's baby. God has not shown me how to love as a mother, how to pray with a mother's heart, how to love with the love of a mother, to not have that. I trust. I believe. I know. I have been a Missy to a very special boy. I am a Melissa to 3 very special kids. I excitedly wait for the day I get to be someones Mama.
I'm blessed, I'm excited and I'm so in love with my husband I'm about to burst!
I'm doing the 30 days of Thanks for the month of November. A lot of my thanks are redundant but it's because it's so real. My love for Jason. Grace. Forgiveness. Healing. I've come a long way over the past few years. Still got some room for improvement. Stepkids, husband, job, family, friends. It's a constant juggle. It's getting (somewhat) easier.
I still struggle with resentment. It's hard to go through what I went through with so much judgement. Even if it was delivered with kindness it was still judgement. I didn't move on fast enough for some people. I was sad too long for others. For some I just needed to get over it so I could move on. They didnt realize I had to get through it, to get over it, to heal, to move on. It's a process. I don't expect a lot of people to understand but it also still hurts that people judged how I handled my loss.
I see facebook posts daily of people who have kids. So thankful for their kids. Can't get enough of their kids. Rightfully so. Kids are an amazing addition to your family and it's a love you can't describe. I wonder if their kids were suddenly taken from their life if they'd be able to still smile. Move on. Get over it. Just wait to have more kids...cause that'll take the pain away. Actually, it kind of doesn't. I miss J all the time. Since the last day I saw him I've missed him. I love the kids I have in my life now. I enjoy going to their schools, festivals, games, dances. I love shopping for their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, slumber parties. I love doing crafts with them, baking with them. I am happy. It doesn't erase the hole in my heart for him. He's playing soccer. He's in 3rd grade. He's out there. Somewhere. He's not the little boy I last saw. He's a little man. I appreciate that we move on. But time healing all wounds isn't accurate. Sometimes it's easier than others but I will never stop loving, praying and caring for that special lil guy I had for 4 years. I read that scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Righfully so. If you go through the pain, you should be rewarded somehow.
Someone in my life likes to tell me that I don't have my own kids so I don't know how to mother. It's a dig made to hurt. And it does. Even though it's not true, it still hurts. I didn't give birth to J, but I loved him with every part of who I am. I didn't give birth to K, A and L but it doesnt stop me from loving them with all my heart. Even though I miss J more everyday, it doesnt stop me from loving them. From trying to show them how to love deeper, more. How to believe, trust and serve God. How to show love, respect and compassion to themselves and others. I don't have my own kids. But I believe I was picked by God to raise the 4 that have been placed in my life. I'm not trying to be their mom. They have one. I'm trying to be the best Missy I can to them.
With that being said, Jason and I are trying to have a bundle of joy of our own. A kid that will come out smiling a big smile that both mommy and daddy have. Hopefully with his sense of humor, my wit, our love, sense of family and belief in a God who loves us more than we can imagine. I thought I've been tested before in patience. Nothing like this. Wanting something to badly with someone I love so deeply is humbling. Because this is 100% in God's timing. And I believe. Even when I get sad, frustrated, impatient, have issues with ovulation kits (WHOLE other blog)
I know beyond any shadow of doubt, that I will have that wonderful man's baby. God has not shown me how to love as a mother, how to pray with a mother's heart, how to love with the love of a mother, to not have that. I trust. I believe. I know. I have been a Missy to a very special boy. I am a Melissa to 3 very special kids. I excitedly wait for the day I get to be someones Mama.
I'm blessed, I'm excited and I'm so in love with my husband I'm about to burst!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Beautiful Things
I've come to the conclusion that I'm basically just a hot mess. I'm a happy, in love hot mess but a hot mess all the same. I have got to learn to let things go. And cut myself some slack. 32 is too young to give myself a self induced heart attack because I didn't get to the 3rd load of laundry after work tonight. And perhaps it's been a few (dozen) days since I've vacuumed, it's been a few (dozen) weeks since I've sold a house and I'm half passed crazy most of the time but.....I'm still happy.
"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust." Hopefully. It's a song by Gunger that I listen to on repeat. Just ask Jason. Drives him batty. I've been emotional (shocking I know) and down on myself lately. Satan does this thing that whenever I'm headed somewhere really good, he trips me. And when I get back up and keep moving forward, he throws a boulder in my path. And when I keep climbing over it to keep on keeping on, he soaps up the road so I slip and fall on my face. Well I literally almost did fall on my face but it was because I slipped in paint in my high heels when I was showing a house this weekend. I digress. Kinda, paints a good visual. So I've been moving forward with my handsome husband, getting the kids back into the school routine, working, trying to juggle and just feeling overwhelmed with too much. Because I'm a control freak. Admitting is the first step.
So I decided to fast and pray for things that have been heavy on my heart. So as with anytime you fast and pray so much for someone or something, it's made me super emotional about a lot of things and just really trying to let it go so it doesnt bring me down but not really being able to forget about things that hurt and frustrate and make me crazy because after all this is my life and there are people in it who are hurting. I know I can't control that. It's a stumbling block I continue to trip over. I also need to learn to just breathe. Clearly.
"All this pain, I wonder if I’ll ever find my way, I wonder if my life could really change at all. All this earth, Could all that is lost ever be found, Could a garden come up from this ground at all."
I've had some really good news and some not so great news lately. Some really exciting things happening and some things that make me honestly want to beat my head against the wall. Well if I'm being honest, want to beat someone else's head(s) against the wall. But regardless, one of my biggest worries that I couldnt wrap my brain around was answered by prayers and trusting and bam, God shows me once again to let go of stuff out of my control.
With work I havent sold anything in way too long and it's weighing heavily on me. I'm doing all I can but it doesnt seem enough when it's not producing sales. Until last week when I had a prospect ask if I could do something for her and I said yes, sure, what, and she asked me to pray for her. So I realized sometimes it's about more than selling houses to people.
My husband is a saint. I swear, and I know I'm preaching to the choir here, how different it is being married to a loving, caring, loving, kind man after being married to such a miserable person first. I have been emotional and crying and down on myself because of a lot of different things and work and just not really feeling good about myself and instead of telling me to stop having a pity party and snap out of it, he set me down and made me look him in the eyes as he told me that he was tired of seeing his beautiful, caring, loving, funny wife sad. (Do you know how hard it is to stop crying when the man you love more than anything is sitting in front of you making you look him in the eyes telling you to trust him and let him help? It aint easy!) And that I didnt have to carry everything on my own shoulders, that he was there to take that worry off me. And he meant it. And I believed him. How blessed am I?
So, in between my weight fluctuating up and down, crying all the time and being neurotic about just about everything I am still happy. Because when I do stumble I have a very handsome, loving man to pick me up. When I'm frustrated and sad because I refuse to let go and release worries, I have a God that gives me grace and forgives me. And when I don't understand everything going on in my life, I still know that God makes beautiful things out of us. And I'm so beyond blessed!
"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust." Hopefully. It's a song by Gunger that I listen to on repeat. Just ask Jason. Drives him batty. I've been emotional (shocking I know) and down on myself lately. Satan does this thing that whenever I'm headed somewhere really good, he trips me. And when I get back up and keep moving forward, he throws a boulder in my path. And when I keep climbing over it to keep on keeping on, he soaps up the road so I slip and fall on my face. Well I literally almost did fall on my face but it was because I slipped in paint in my high heels when I was showing a house this weekend. I digress. Kinda, paints a good visual. So I've been moving forward with my handsome husband, getting the kids back into the school routine, working, trying to juggle and just feeling overwhelmed with too much. Because I'm a control freak. Admitting is the first step.
So I decided to fast and pray for things that have been heavy on my heart. So as with anytime you fast and pray so much for someone or something, it's made me super emotional about a lot of things and just really trying to let it go so it doesnt bring me down but not really being able to forget about things that hurt and frustrate and make me crazy because after all this is my life and there are people in it who are hurting. I know I can't control that. It's a stumbling block I continue to trip over. I also need to learn to just breathe. Clearly.
"All this pain, I wonder if I’ll ever find my way, I wonder if my life could really change at all. All this earth, Could all that is lost ever be found, Could a garden come up from this ground at all."
I've had some really good news and some not so great news lately. Some really exciting things happening and some things that make me honestly want to beat my head against the wall. Well if I'm being honest, want to beat someone else's head(s) against the wall. But regardless, one of my biggest worries that I couldnt wrap my brain around was answered by prayers and trusting and bam, God shows me once again to let go of stuff out of my control.
With work I havent sold anything in way too long and it's weighing heavily on me. I'm doing all I can but it doesnt seem enough when it's not producing sales. Until last week when I had a prospect ask if I could do something for her and I said yes, sure, what, and she asked me to pray for her. So I realized sometimes it's about more than selling houses to people.
My husband is a saint. I swear, and I know I'm preaching to the choir here, how different it is being married to a loving, caring, loving, kind man after being married to such a miserable person first. I have been emotional and crying and down on myself because of a lot of different things and work and just not really feeling good about myself and instead of telling me to stop having a pity party and snap out of it, he set me down and made me look him in the eyes as he told me that he was tired of seeing his beautiful, caring, loving, funny wife sad. (Do you know how hard it is to stop crying when the man you love more than anything is sitting in front of you making you look him in the eyes telling you to trust him and let him help? It aint easy!) And that I didnt have to carry everything on my own shoulders, that he was there to take that worry off me. And he meant it. And I believed him. How blessed am I?
So, in between my weight fluctuating up and down, crying all the time and being neurotic about just about everything I am still happy. Because when I do stumble I have a very handsome, loving man to pick me up. When I'm frustrated and sad because I refuse to let go and release worries, I have a God that gives me grace and forgives me. And when I don't understand everything going on in my life, I still know that God makes beautiful things out of us. And I'm so beyond blessed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)