Hormones, changes and just sayin'

Holy hormones! I am a mess. Google walking basket case and you will see me! Last week was tough. What made it easier was I had my husband right beside me through every step. What a difference that makes. It's been tough on me. My natural instinct is to go through things myself. Jason set me down and told me he is here for me, let him be part of what I'm going through. I had more than a handful of dr's appts last week and he was with me at every one. Drying my tears, holding my hand and making me laugh when I needed it. And he did something that isn't his natural instinct and listened to the nurses. Word for word listened. So when we got home and I had questions, he knew how to answer. Oh, I love that man! So thankful for him.

That was the butterflies and rainbows part.

Other moments I cried for no reason. I think I know what roid rage must feel like as I would go from happy to homicidal in 2.0 So on edge. So anxious. Cranky, crabby, melancholy. But I'll go through all this and more for what waits for me at the end of the crazy.

"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace. This is something, bigger than me, I'm giving in to something heavenly."

That song got me through my divorce. My unemployment. My sad days. Funny now it's getting me through hormone rages. Music really does meet you where you are.

Now to the just sayin' portion of this blog. I hate this saying. Really I do. But sometimes it just seems accurate.

When someone lies and you point out they arent telling the truth, it doesn't make you mean. It makes you honest.
Just sayin'

When someone is a cheater and you recognize that they cheated or have to remind them of that because they act like maybe they didnt, it doesn't make you hateful, it makes you honest.
Just sayin'

When you arent welcome in someone's life because you repeat back to them something someone close to them said, it doesnt make you out of line, it makes you frustrated and sad maybe but still honest.
Just sayin'

When you get frustrated because people are willing to do something for someone else they arent willing to do for their own parents, grandparents, kids or fill in the blank, it doesnt make you judgemental, it makes you human.
Just sayin'

Maybe because I'm a walking hormone, maybe because I know how good I have it, maybe because I'm so thankful for the people in my life that it makes me less tolerable for the crazy insensitive people in the world. Or maybe because I'm not great right now at letting people who are liars, cheaters and selfish walk around looking at life through rose colored glasses like their actions don't affect those around them, it's hard for me to hold back.

Lord help me when I'm growing a life or 5 inside me. Actually, after 22 years of female issues, I'll probably be more stable than I've ever been. I cant wait for that day.

Blessed because I have a husband who thinks I'm special. Even when my hormones are holding up my halo!

Oh baby, drama and balloon animals

Today was a day that I wanted to hurt people. For all kinds of offenses. Loud breathing, chewing, dumb questions, dumb comments, dumb jokes. Oh I hate jokes. I'm a woman on the edge right now. Know what's not a good idea when you're on the edge and any noise is liable to drive you over? Going to a restaurant where they make balloon animals tableside. Do you know how much noise making a balloon animal makes? No? A LOT!! I had to get up and go to the bathroom to not take my steak knife to the balloon elephant. Wow! And we were at a normal restaurant. Great marketing idea there. Balloon animals tableside. Psht!

Sometimes I blog because I need to get stuff out of me and sometimes I blog because I feel like God is guiding me through it. The past few nights I've been lead to blog but havent because I wasn't sure where to go or what to say. Now I pick a night where I'll probably say too much but those tend to make for more exciting blogs.

First off. People need to back off. My life is not lived for other people's ideas, agenda's or drama. There is a lot going on in my life and if I really sat still long enough to process I might possibly make it over the edge. Head first. You know when you have that person in your life that you are quite certain was put on this earth just to drive you mad? And you feel like everything they do is being done for the sole purpose of making you crazy? I have a few (dozen) of those people. What's that quote.."If people knew how little I actually thought about them they'd be upset" or something to that effect. I dont know. I think I just butchered a quote. Not even sure what I'm trying to say. I don't live my life in a way to rub anything in anyone else's face. I don't live my life in a way to project my beliefs or feelings onto other's. I'm not rubbing my handsome husband in anyone's face when I walk down the street holding his hand. I'm not showboating when I tell or show my parents or Nana how much they mean to me. I'm not ignoring someone else when I don't include them in every single part of my life. When you only include yourself in my life to find fodder to judge me on, chances are I'm not going to invite you into my every day goings on. Glad that's off my chest.

‎"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway."Eleanor Roosevelt

Word.

I'm very transparent. I think that's something that makes some people uncomfortable and makes other's feel less alone. This blog now will maybe toe the line of both.

Nothing in my life really follows the lines of easy or typical. I think as a woman with the desire to be a mother, it's natural to think about being pregnant. And how you'll announce your pregnancy to those you love. And how you'll feel during the pregnancy and after and will you be as good of a mother to your own children as you've been to others?

When I got pregnant the first time, the circumstances couldnt be more different than where I'm at now. I found out in the midst of my world crumbling apart. I found out I was pregnant around the same time I found out my husband was having an affair with his secretary. Do you know how much I despise being so cliche? So annoying! So, there went any of the dreams and ideas I had of springing the news on people. And while I was trying to plan my course and figure out how to keep my life from spinning out of control I had a miscarriage. Alone. Because I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant I wasn't sure how to tell them I no longer was. Whoa, heavy stuff here tonight.

So now I'm in a 100% completely different place. I'm wanting to be pregnant with my best friends baby. I want his baby. I want our baby. We've been trying. And we've been having some trouble. So we're seeing someone for help in growing our family. Big fat deep breath out.

I'm surprised how few people talk about this. I know I've felt kind of alone in this sometimes. Ive had some people come out of the woodworks who have been through what I'm going through or are facing it with me. But it's not something a lot of people talk about. I'm not damaged because I need assistance. It doesn't make me less of a woman because I need help. No one really talks about this so even as I'm typing this I'm wondering, is there a reason I shouldnt be sharing this? I mean, this whole blog has been pretty much an open book into my life so no one should be surprised that I'm sharing details of my life on here. But it makes me stop and wonder, is there some invisible fertility line I'm crossing by talking about it?

I'm a firm believer in talking about things. And praying together about things. How many people are going through their life feeling completely alone because no one is talking about something they are going through? When truth be told, everyone is going through something?

I know I'm not alone in this. I'm not sure why God placed it on my heart for the past few nights to put this out there but He did, so I did. Heart meet sleeve!

Jason and I are going to grow our family. Hopefully sooner than later. I know it will be in God's perfect timing. I know that when God opens the doors we will walk through faithfully even if it's scary because it's unknown. The next month or so will be exciting. Family is coming, work is going great, may be headed to New Orleans for a few days, it's our anniversary month, and with God's blessing, maybe this is the month my pregnancy story will change. I'm a mom. And God willing, someday soon I'll be pregnant with my very own baby. YAY!!

Years ago, I was a sad person married to the wrong man losing a baby, a son and my mind. And I was judged the entire time I was trying to figure out how to keep my head about water.

I refuse to not talk about something I'm going through because of fear of judgement. Things are more scary in the dark, right? Let's shed some light on things. I'm speaking to someone out there. You aren't alone. Even if it's not fertility, it's something. Find someone to talk to. Don't be ashamed because you may be living something not a lot of people openly talk about. It doesn't make you damaged. It makes you human.

So here's the 2nd thing. Stop judging how people handle things in their life. Unless you want to walk a mile in my 4.75" stilettos then we'll chat as you're soaking your aching feet moaning about how hard it is. Blah blah too little too late blah!

Thanks for the kind words and feedback from this blog. It keeps me sane. Most days. My prayer is that my transparency helps you, encourages you and brings you to a place where you know there are other's going through things too.

My email is mnbillington@gmail.com It's meant to be out there for someone, if it's you, I'm all ears! Email me. I'm blessed because I know God is working through me. I'm blessed because I am not going through this journey alone.

More to come, I'm sure...

Mouth noises, regrets and starting over. Sigh

So apparently I'm not quite as neurotic as I thought. Or maybe more so since there's an actual name for the thing that drives me most batty in the world. Mouth noises. I usually have to get up and walk away from people making them because in my mind I imagine their heads exploding. It's a real phobia. Well not really a phobia it's called misophonia. But phobia sounds better.

I'm disappointed in myself lately. I've let people get to me. And it's made me bitter and angry. And I've said and acted in ways I wouldn't normally act. I don't really have an excuse other than I let my focus be on the wrong things. And it's made me forget about what's most important.

Being angry and saying snarky things doesn't make me a Non Christian. But it certainly doesnt glow of Christianity. And love. And compassion. I guess I need to figure out a way to keep those feelings in my heart when the crazy gets to be too much. Work stress, life stress, family stress, friends stress, outside things stress, they all pile on and when things outside of my control get to be too much, I bend, and unfortunately sometimes I also break.

I don't owe it to anyone else to be a better person. I owe it to myself. I know better. Everyday I'm called to be the best I can be. The best Christian, wife, mother, daughter, friend and sales person I can be. I'll fail. I'll fall short. As evidenced by some of the blogs on here. But I keep going. I keep trying.

I'm not perfect. Far from it. In this day and time you have to be careful what you say. A comment about your brother, or your friend, or a stranger or someone you barely know, or your husband or your dog can be misconstrued when read by the wrong person and cause all kinds of backlash.

I have a right to my feelings. I have a right to feel a certain way when I'm talked about and hurt and when lies are told about me. I have a right to defend myself. But I also have an obligation to be better and do better because I have Christ in my heart and when I let the devil in me through a snarky comment about an ex husband or someone who has hurt me or someone I see on the street then I lose.

"Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"

Going to start remembering that more.

So what have we learned? Mouth noises drive me crazy, I'm not perfect and some days I lose it. Tomorrow is another day.

Blessed because I can start over. Again...

Evil step mom, good hair days and mean girls

I had a good hair day today. Where more than a few people stopped me to tell me I looked pretty. And my hair looked nice. It was big curled and bouncy and it put some pep in my step. I love having pep in my step.

I read a lot of books. Always have. I'm surprised by the lack of books I've found on being a step mom. But the one I did find and have started reading makes me feel less alone. It's written by the Evil Step Mom and the Ex-Wife. Nice to see that most of what I go through is pretty text book. That people act a certain way because they are scared. That the Ex wife is coming from a place of fear. That the step mom knows her dirty secrets. That's she's afraid she'll be exposed. The Step Mom comes from a places of frustration that she's always placed in a bad light. That she's not a real mom so she can't possibly makes good decisions for kids that aren't hers. Scared that she won't measure up. Doesn't make it easier but makes me feel less crazy. The kids are the easy part. It's everything that is attached to them that is hard. But I'm trusting that things will get better. I love those kids. I pray that they know I love them through actions, words and deeds.

There's some "Christian" misconception floating around the social media world and another world a little north of here that is chafing me. That because I'm a Christian I'm not allowed to get upset. Or speak the truth. Or lose my cool. I'm a sinner, saved by God's grace. I like to think myself pretty calm, cool and collected. Til I'm pushed to far. Then I kinda lose it. But who wouldn't? I'm not proud of it. But it certainly doesn't make me a Non Christian. Believe me. Because when I really want to scream and point to people and say "Liar, Cheater, Thief, Hypocrite" I instead walk away and don't. So many times I want to not walk away. That's not very Christian of me to have those feelings. When I do actually lose my cool, then let's chat about me not being a Christian. Til then, let's clear some things up. Yes, I'm a Christian. No, that doesn't mean I think I'm perfect. Repeat. Again. And again.

I'm not a mean person. But when I get pushed to the edge sometimes I toe the line of being mean I suppose. I may call someone trashy if they are trashy. I may make a comment about a shirt being ridiculous if it's ridiculous. I may even be so bold to call someone a liar if they lie or a cheater if they cheat. Oh the nerve!! It's something I'm not proud of but I'm not a mean girl by nature. I was around mean girls recently. Ones that looked at me and laughed. And made rude comments and snide remarks. About what exactly I'm not real sure but they weren't subtle about it. Probably weren't meaning to be. They have the right. But I like to try to live by these words "Keep your head, heels and standards high." Easier said than done sometimes. I have been guilty of calling a spade an ugly skunk spade.

There are 3 people in this world who don't like me. And by don't like me I'm being kind. Actually that number is wrong because they have lil minions that follow in their lead of not liking me. One I can mostly forget about, one I can sometimes forget about and one I can never forget about. But the one thing that the 3 people have in common besides their dislike for me is their hearts and their character. They are liars. They are cheaters. They have hardened hearts. That's not my issue. That's theirs. Sometimes I've fed into their lies, their games, their deceit. Sometimes I've said hateful things in retaliation to hurt, and pain and fear. But those 3 people all share the same qualities. I can't be mad that people I'd never associate with if I didn't have to or make the wrong choice to don't like me. Or that they have other people who are following their lead. "I prayed that God would protect me from my enemies and I started losing (friends, family, co-workers, neighbors)" Fill in the blank.

I'm not a bad person. I'm someone trying to get by in a beautiful life that sometimes has more bumps than I know how to maneuver. But so far I've gotten by. And I'll continue.

The next few weeks I some medical things coming up. I have been googling and driving myself mad trying to figure out the ins and outs and what ifs of some things I'm facing and then God kinda gently nudged me into "Remember me? The one who has your best in mind? If you'll trust me?" Still learning that lesson.

People will let you down. Other's will make you half passed crazy. But if you're lucky you'll have a husband, or friends, or parents, or kids, or a cute lil clumsy puppy that will give you enough love to comfort you through the hard times.

I'm blessed because through the recent "mean" time I have a greater sense of who I am and how far I can be pushed without breaking. With head, heels and standards all held sky high. Bouncy hair and all!

Baby powder, sales and God's perfect timing...gulp

I had to go to the dr this week. Kind of unexpected and it was before work so I was going straight from the dr to work. I had on my "selling houses heels" that do wonders for selling homes, not so much for the smell of my feet. Because I was going to have to take my shoes off at the dr I put baby powder all in my shoes. Great idea.

Til I got to the dr's office and the nurse gave me a gown to put on. So I put the gown on, take the shoes of and notice baby powder on the top of my toes. Embarrassing if the dr saw it, right? So I walk across the hardwood floor to get a paper towel to wipe my feet off. And look back and see 8 or 9 white foot prints on the hard wood floor from the baby powder. Did I mention I'm brilliant? So I grab a handful of paper towels, bend down and start mopping the floor basically. Then I rush to make sure it was all up, set down on the table and the dr walked in all, What's new? And I'm all, uh nothing, your floors sure are clean.

Got some news at the dr I wasn't expecting. Not really a bad thing just kinda unexpected. It's a big lesson in "Hi, remember me? I'm God...trust me." So, trusting. And excited. And believing that God will always take care of me.

As evidenced by the 4 sales I've had so far this year. If we need some perspective, let me help you out. Last year I sold 7 homes. This year, 6 weeks into the year, I've sold 4. Awesome!! Loves it!! 2 people came in and bought the same day. 2 people I've been working with for a year now. All 4 equally made me happy. Can't wait to see who else God sends my way.

Yesterday both my partners and myself all wrote a contract. Awesome. Loves it! My boss came in my office and asked if everyone could smell the sweet smell of success. What an amazing thing to work for the company I do. When the news is saying recession, terrible economy blah blah blah, I'm saying SOLD! I work for the best builder. In the fasted growing community in the city. In the 14th fastest growing community in the country. And to think, I wanted to jet set across the US working for amusement parks. I am so much loving my job I can't stand it. And I know I will be there for as long as God wants me there. What a good feeling that is. God put me where He knew I'd be best. Not where I begged him to put me. And I'm so beyond happy. Point taken.

I'm so excited for the next few months. With my husband, family, job, the unknowns. It's all good. Because if I've learned anything the past year, the past few months, the past few weeks...it's evidenced in unexpected news, unexpected buyers, unexpected people. God gives you what you need. In His perfect timing.

I'm so incredibly blessed and so in love with my God who has given me the life that I am so in love with. I can't wait to see what else He has around the corner for me and the Mr.

Oh and UK is dominating! Woot!

Politics, the ghetto and beautiful, dramatic, things

"Be patient. I promise that beautiful things will come."

I wish someone would have so simply said this to me 4 years ago. Be patient. I promise that beautiful things will come. They have. Even through my impatience.

So much inside me. Today I volunteered to refurb a home. I have done this for years with my dad, since I was 14 or so. It's been years since I've done it. It was nice to give my time for something bigger than myself. Something that in no way benefited me monetarily. I missed 6 hours of work to do it. It was worth it. For this lesson if nothing else.

We were in the ghetto. Straight hood. Not even joking. You went to scaryland and turned left and it was right there. We were working on a house that was next to a vacant lot that was fenced in with 8' chain link fence. A friend and I climbed over the fence to clear out landscaping that had rotted on the other side. We were hauling tree limbs and such and the guys on the other side were loading it in the truck and would leave to go to the dumpster. At one point it was me and D, alone, inside this 8' fence, watching scary people walk past us. I'm trying not to judge or be dramatic but this is honestly somewhere we had no place being. I'm pretty sure I've seen it on COPS. I realized as 2 people walked back and started at us, we were inside this fence with no way out, how quickly things can change. Maybe it's the books I read, the shows I watch, or just an over active imagination, I was trying to figure out how best to climb a tree in case we were caught in a street fight or something. Life can change in an instant. Luckily for me it didn't.

Life as normal. I got back into my car, drove to the park and enjoyed the rest of the day with the kids, J and the dog. Then we met my parents for dinner, went for ice cream, went for a long walk, played and had a great night just being together. Enjoying my beautiful things.

My aunt wasn't feeling well and went to the ER and found out she had had a heart attack. The next day she had triple bypass. She's doing ok but lifed changed in an instant.

I watched someone run a red light today that could have very easily tboned the car that had the green light. Near misses all around us. Every day.

I'm being redundant but only because it's ridiculous. Life can change in an instant and people don't get it.

I'm so tired of the political commercials that have already started. The mudslinging. The politicking to bring people over to your side by bashing someone else. By grandstanding. By fake promises. By spreading lies. By manipulation. It's ugly and it's hateful. Unfortunately it's a reality in my life everyday.

People disappoint you. The older I get the more I see this. I'm judged. People don't like me because they don't know me. They have listened to mudslinging. Or judged me based on how I acted or reacted to life changes I had absolutely no idea how to handle. I'm far from perfect. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I have apologized for things I was never meant to apologize for and where did it get me? Half past crazy is where it got me.

There are so many phone calls I want to make right now. So many texts, so many emails. The gist are all the same. Why? Why have you got so much resentment in your heart? Why have you so much anger that you can't see straight? What has so poisoned your heart that you are blind to what is most important in this world? Family doesn't work by ballot. You are born into the family God saw best to suit you. It's not always easy to make a family work but you never stop trying. You should certainly never politic a point to the point where sides are drawn.

Life can change in an instant. What's it take to bring people back together? A heart attack? A near death experience even if it was an imagined gun fight you were caught in? My heart is heavy. I don't know other people's hearts but I know mine.

On my soapbox I am grandstanding for forgiveness. Acceptance. Understanding. Healing and Reconciliation.

Sounds like a pipe dream. Sounds dramatic and all rainbows and butterflies. But as I have said before, I don't want just an ending. I'm waiting for a beautiful ending. To join my beautiful things that I have patiently waited for.

My life is changing. My heart is too. I'm blessed because I have allowed God to show me better from bad. To show me love from hurt and to show me acceptance from judgement.

Blessed everyday. More and more....

A new addition, healing phone calls and things we didn't know we needed.

I make quick decisions. As evidenced by the dog sitting on my lap. Yesterday Jason and I were both off and we were sitting at lunch and I said, let's get a dog. The kids, all 4 of them, have been wanting a dog for as long as I've known them. I've never been much of a dog person but being home in KY and seeing Coach reminded me of how much love they give. Coach saw me through my darkest days. Our new lil pup will be with me through the best.

We drove to GA to meet the dog breeder and on the way we talked about responsibility. Conversation was pretty much how it was going to be Jason's dog and his responsbility. I told him if we decided to get it Jason could ride back with the dog on his lap and I would drive. I sat on the sidewalk and the dog was in my lap and that's all she wrote. He rode home on my lap as Jason drove.

Jason and I have something to love together. That is our own. It's a special feeling and we are loving it. Jason wanted this dog. I didn't know I did and now I can't imagine his clumsy, holy terror self not being here to play with and love.

God anwers prayers every day. Today it was a much needed, over do phone call for someone I love. Took a scary moment for the phone call to happen and I'm believing it's a start to healing.

Jason wanted to get me an Iphone for my bday the first year we were together. I told him quite adamently that I was a blackberry girl and I didn't want or need an Iphone. I have been addicted ever since that shiny phone was placed in my hand. Much like how I've loved Jason since I met him. Much like this lil dog asleep on my lap.

God gives us what we need when we need it. Not necessarily what we want. Or what we think we need.

Sure I could have gotten along fine with my blackberry. But what a new world the Iphone has opened up to me. I could have still been out there dating the wrong guys blogging about heartache but God gave me Jason. And I could have kept saying I'm not a dog person and don't understand animal lovers but look at what I'd have missed out on.

Adding a puppy to the chaos of our lives is something I welcome with open arms. The accidents he has in the house we forgive. The shoes he ever chews of mine Jason will hopefully hide from me. The kids are so excited to meet him they can't stand it.

God gives us what we need. When we need it. Brand Spanking Neu is the latest example. I'm so excited to see what else God shows me. Excitedly waiting in His time.

Blessed because my God cares enough to give us the perfect pup for our family. How much more does He care about the bigger things in life? I'm seeing everyday because we are looking. Change your perspective, change your life. It's happening to us. I pray the same for you.