I'm guilty, high heels and judging.

I'm guilty of a lot of things.

Crying because I miss Tucker and Fletcher. 

Not going to work immediately after losing my heart. 

Being proud of the crap that tried it's best to suffocate me and that I kept breathing. 

Working to the point of utter exhaustion. 

Loving without conditions.

Seeing the best in people even when they show you the ugly side of their heart. 

Working my tail off to be successful. 

Forging ahead when there were people wanting nothing more than to see me fail. 

Spending money I should have saved on impossibly uncomfortable shoes or an incredibly fantastic necklace. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

Judging. 

Being mad for being judged. 

Placing hope in someone far greater than they ever placed in themself. 

Having a firm and steady belief that tomorrow will be better.  

Crying because, what if tomorrow sucks?

Listening to the same song on repeat 1000 times.  

Crying because I see an old person eating dinner alone. 

Going to sit with an old person who's eating alone. 

Dreaming. 

Crying. 

Laughing. 

Believing. 

Giving advice to people I should have taken myself. 

Mentally throat punching people on a daily basis. 

Drowning my sorrows in wine. 

Getting up from a room because someone's mouth noises made me homicidal. 

Drowning my sorrows in prayer. 

Laughing til I cry. 

Standing taller than I ever imagined I could. 

Being disappointed in others. 

Being disappointed in myself. 

Loving others. 

Loving myself. 

I'm a crazy mix of hope and hurt and healing and pain. Of tears and laughter and sorrow and hope. Of singing and dancing and wallowing and tantrums. 

I'm guilty of a lot of things but I'm not, nor will I let anyone, make me feel guilty for being myself. 

For awhile I was ok simply being ok. No longer. I had much to prove to myself that I can stand, I can thrive, I can love and I can believe. 

I'm blessed because I have people in my corner cheering me on, I have a faith that's bigger than myself and I'm fine with being guilty of moving forward the best and only way I could. One day at a time and when that was too big, step by step. 

I'm learning, I'm moving and I'm growing.  Every single day I'm faced with the option of being happy or being sad. When you change your focus your change your outcome. 

It's a struggle, can't lie, to choose to be happy. "Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart." 

Sometimes it's disguised as whining, sometimes it's disguised as believing, sometimes it's disguised as a pain bigger than I know how to process but life keeps going. 

If I had to choose a life filled with love, hope and excitement vs a life filled with regret, resentment and anger, every single day I will choose hope!

Forward, onward and upward my friends. In high heels, with a big smile and a heart that genuinely believes the good in others.  

Be kinder than necessary. You never know what someone else is facing!  

Mwah! 

I lost my heart but I'm still breathing

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/06/lost-heart-im-still-breathing/

My June article for Still Standing 

Whitney Houston, Massages and Alarms!

Ever had one of those days (months) where you just feel alive and lost and excited and lost and hopeful and lost?

Having it!

Over the past 2 months, I've worked a lot!  Over the past month I have worked pretty much 12 hour days, at least, with 1.5 days off. 

Why?  Because I'm opening a new community.  But more than that I'm pre-opening a new community. When I say I'm exhausted, it's more like delirious, I'm not exaggerating. But it's an alive, love my job, can't believe the opportunity I've been given, exhausted, so it's ok. The delirious I'm working through. 

I can't relax. Period. My mind races nonstop with things I need to be doing. I called my massage place last night and got a last minute massage for 9pm. Awesome. The first 30 mins I felt like a new woman. The therapist was talking to me, which I hate, but I was engaged in conversation until he started rubbing my head and I just stopped, mid sentence. When I get rich I'm hiring a full time head rubber. But anyways, I turn on my stomach for the last half of my massage and mind you it's 930 at this point and I'm sure my massage guy was as tired as me, but he kind of just ran out of steam. I felt like the episode of Friends where Ross is massaging the guy with tonka trucks. Can't be sure but I'm pretty sure he dozed off at one point so I jerked my body and brought him out of his slumber. At that point I was done. I couldn't relax, couldn't turn my brain off and wanted nothing more than to reach for my iPhone to check my emails. I immediately thought, crap, I forgot to print out option sheets. So I'm laying there stressing, massage guy is zoned out and I raised my head and we are literally nose to nose and I said, remind me after my massage I need to print off option sheets please. He didn't question the crazy, says ok, finished my massage and leaves the room. He meets me outside with a cup of water and reminds me to drink plenty of water and to print off option sheets. I hugged him, pledged my undying love and appreciation and went home to work a few more hours. 

A few nights ago I set my alarm, newly installed, and hit my alarm code that I told the people to set. It says "system armed STAY" so I punch in my code to make sure it works and it doesn't. The code apparently got lost in translation and I was hostage in my home. Mind you it was 11pm and I was in for the night but knowing I was IN for the night because I couldn't get out had me near panic. I have a newly found sense of claustrophobia. And it's not cool. I left a message for the company to let them know I had to leave the next morning at 6am and was going to have an alarm going off. No call back. So at 6am, I leave to the sounds of an alarm blaring. You're welcome dear neighbors. 

I am moving into my new office today and I have my car loaded up with supplies, sold signs, yada yada. I felt like I was on my way to college or something, leaving the nest, ready to start this new adventure and listening to my itunes and Whitney Houston's "One Moment In Time" comes on. No judging. I'm singing along and then the words just hit me! 

"Give me one moment in time, when I'm more than I thought I could be, when all of my dreams are a heartbeat away and the answers are all up to me..."

Let me paint the picture for you. Music moves me. I have church in my car all the time. I sing loud and proud and *sometimes* get emotional and theatrical. I'm sitting at a red light, music blaring, singing my heart out, to Whitney Houston, and look over to a truckful of construction workers laughing. At me. 

If I saw what they saw I'd have laughed too. And then blogged about the crazy, middle aged (whaaaa) woman having a concert. To Whitney Houston. 

Is there a point to this?  Is there ever?  I feel like, probably because it's true, that I'm constantly starting new chapters.  

Today, for the first time, I was more at peace, filled with excitement and a new confidence for where I'm going than I've had in a long time. I don't know where that is, I don't know who the people will be with me and I'm not sure where I'm going but I'm happy. 

So sings Whitney Houston, "you're a winner, for a lifetime. If you seize that one moment in time, make it shine."

Shining!  Seizing!  Only mildly humiliated that I'm quoting Whitney, may she rest in peace.  But "I will be, I will be, fffrrreeeeeeeee!"

New adventure, new chapter. I won't fail. I won't be stopped and I can't wait to see where God leads me on this journey in my 5" black wedges that make me walk tall! 

Blessing friends!  Mwah!

Beautiful disaster. Total hot mess. But beautiful too

What do you do when your world completely turns on it's head?

From where I'm standing, you stand or you fall. 

I'm standing. 

Life sucks. Sometimes it doesn't but other times it really, really sucks. 

I'm living in a weird place where half my life is turned on it's head and the other half is beautiful. 

It's enough to make a sane person question what padded walls would add to the current decor of her bedroom. 

I went to a breakfast the other morning and the speaker was pretty great. He said in life you have two options. To be a "yea, but" or a "yes, and" person. 

Interesting. I feel, especially since the first of the year, I've been a yes, and kinda gal. Yes life sucks and I'm figuring it out. Yes, life can turn on a dime and make you question everything or it can make you a "but life sucks, I can't, I don't wanna, it's too hard" kinda person. 

I have a glorious distraction in my job. I'm working insane, crazy hours and I have never been so fully submerged in a job before and I love it!  I love the people, I love the company, I love my community and I love the homes I'll be selling. I'm working my tail off and it's going to be for some really awesome results. Can't be mad about that. 

When I started painting, I'd get so close to the canvas and what I'd created and it looked like a hot mess. I remember being so disappointed one night, walking away from a painting I had high hopes for.   I went back into the kitchen a bit later and turned on the light and from where I was standing, the painting was beautiful. Up close I saw all the mistakes I'd make. Things that didn't work. When I stepped away, came back, looked at the whole painting from a different perspective, it made me cry. It was absolutely beautiful. 

Up close to things that break your heart, it's so easy to only see the ugly. The mistakes. The things you wish you'd done different. Taking a breather, walking away and seeing it with new eyes, a clearer view, standing away from it, it wasn't as hot mess as I thought and it was in fact, quite beautiful. 

So is my life. Up close it looks like. Disaster. Too many mistakes. Too much time wasted on something that hurt. It wasn't what I expected. The hours and tears and heart I put into it seemed to be wasted.  

Until an hour later when I got some perspective, looked at a different angle And saw it for what it was. A beautiful work of my heart that made sense only when I walked away from it for a while. 

I'm doing the same in some areas of my life. I'm pouring my heart and soul into what I love, I'm praying that God is guiding each stroke, each decision, hearing each prayer, and what looks like to me to be total disaster is actually just an unfinished masterpiece that God is making my life into. 

I'm strong. I'm ok. I'm faithful, I'm loving, I'm committed, I'm hardworking and I'm believing in HIS process. 

I want this beautiful disaster that is my life to be a beautiful masterpiece that is God's life's design for me. 

I have peace. I have joy. I have sadness, I have questions, I have a mind that never shuts off. 

My story right now could be this. Life changed yes, but I just didn't have any fight left in me so I quit. 

What my story is, is this. Life changed, yes. But I'm being obedient to do the work God has laid on my heart, to love those I can the only way I can which is thru prayer, and trusting and believing that the end of this work will be something more beautiful than I could have ever seen. 

I'm 1 part completely put together, 1 part work in progress and 1 part complete hot mess. And I'm kinda ok with the hot messness. Keeps me humble. Like getting stuck in a Rainstorm and breaking my favorite heel off in a paver crack and having a good ole fashioned go to pieces maybe. But yes, I kept going. And I will. There's no quit in me. 

Blessed because God has given me the peace to be me, the hope to believe better and the faith that all this crazy crap tha hurts is nothing compared to the joy that is coming! 

Stay strong friends, God makes beautiful out of total disasters!  Trust me on that!

Confidence, Sucky Times and Peace

Sometimes life makes sense, a lot of times it doesn't. Sometimes you are where you want to be, other times you aren't. Sometimes you can be filled with joy, confidence and peace and your life can be confused, sad and lonely.

How's that possible? 

Because life is confusing. If I've learned anything it's that life is confusing.

I have a confidence in myself, my abilities and who I am that I haven't had in a very long time. I have a job that allows me to be me, encourages my abilities and relies on my confidence. And I have it. I have all of it. I've never been so sure that I'm exactly where I'm to be. 

Professionally. 

Personally?  I'm confused, I'm torn, I'm sad and I'm struggling. 

Sometimes. 

Only sometimes. 

It's the moments when the noise is too loud, or the moments too quiet that Satan starts in. 

"You don't deserve this."

"You are selfish to want better."

"No one cares, why, for the love, don't you just stop talking?"

"You have failed, please stop fighting this and give up already." 

And the answer to all of that is this. 

I don't know what my future holds but I know that the plans God has for me far out weigh anything I can imagine for myself. For my family. For those I love. He is the one who has placed the dreams, desires and wants in my heart. He is the one who quietly says, "Keep going, don't give up, you're being obedient, you won't fall apart."

Where's that gotten me?  

Well, it's gotten me quite far. I haven't fallen apart. I won't crumble, I won't quit. He alone has brough me to place of peace. That in the midst of a storm greater than anything I want to be part of, I'm safe. That when lies threaten the confidence I have in who I am, the right people know what to say to me. I don't surround myself with people who adore me, who bestow praise on me, who tell me nothing but beautiful things. 

I seek wise counsel from those who will be honest. Who will tell me to pull it together, to get a grip, to stop taking things back that I surrender to God. And the questions are hard and the answers sometimes harder but I don't seek with the intention of finding validation. I don't blog to find attention. I don't share my heart to be told what others think of me. 

I share what's on my heart. I pray that God guides me, leads me and works in me and thru me.

And He is. 

Everyday. 

Does life make sense?  No

Am I ok with where I'm at?  No 

Am I dreaming, hoping and praying for more, better and best?  Yes!  

Not everyone is called to wear their heart on their sleeves. It's not easy or fun being vulnerable and transparent. But my prayer has been that when God gets me thru, He gets the glory for it. I can't do this on my own. We all know I'm half past crazy on a good day. Not everyone is taken down a path of crazy. Not everyone is facing what I'm facing. Or what you're facing. 

What do we do to make life manageable?  

What I've found is this. 

I pray. I ask God to guide my heart, to convict in me anything that needs to be changed and to open my eyes to truth. 

I seek wise counsel. I don't rely on my own feelings. If you are making decisions based on emotion, that's a scary thing to place your future in. I seek to find answers, I search to find truth and I long to live God's best for not just today and tomorrow but for eternity. 

And I am. 

But life is trying to break me. 

It won't. 

Satan is wanting me to quit. 

I won't. 

God is wanting me to trust, to believe, to concentrate and focus on what is real, what is true and what is from Him. 

And I am. 

My confidence doesn't come from anything I'm doing myself. My confidence comes from knowing and trusting with the whole of who I am that where I am is exactly where God wants me, where I've allowed him to lead me. 

I cry, I'm sad, I'm torn and I'm lost but I know that God understands that. He doesn't take us anywhere He won't help us thru. 

I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, I miss more than I ever thought one heart could miss right now but this isn't my ending. 

Whatever He's doing, inside of me, I know is for better. I don't know the how or why or when but I trust in the heart of the God, who in the past year, has shown me healing, strength, beauty and gain from loss, ashes and heartache. 

If God can use a hot mess like me, trust that He can use you. If He can make beauty from the pain I've lived, I can't even imagine what blessings are around the corner. 

He laid on my heart at Thanksgiving to Be Still and trust. And I am. Still. Which goes against everything in me. I'm a doer. I'm a people pleaser. I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. I don't always like it, this place I'm in, don't always understand it and I don't always want it but I've never stopped trusting, believing and knowing that He'a alive, He's working and He's changing me. I stopped wanting to just be ok, I wanted to be excited, I wanted to be joyful and I wanted absolute peace that He will always hold me close. 

He is. Everyday. And everyday I am reminded, thru prayer, thru devotion and thru the beautiful hearts of so many people, that I matter, He cares and I'll not just be ok, I'll have more than I could ever expect for myself. 

Blessed because though I'm missing so much, He's filling me in ways I could never imagine. Trust Him, my friends. Life is so much better when you have a confidence and peace from the one who loves us more than we can imagine.

Full fledged temper tantrum

"I'm strong enough, I'm good enough, I'm funny, and gosh darn it, people like me." 

Or 

"I'm spoiled, I'm selfish, I'm nothing, I'm pathetic, please somebody won't you love me?" 

Ebbs and flows of this fun ride called life. 

I am happy, I have joy, God has given me a really strong peace with who I am.

Then Satan comes knocking by the way of a door too close to my heart. He throws out things like I'm selfish, I'm spoiled, I'm nothing more than seeking attention, I'm fake and a phony. 

Is it true?  How do you know?  

I've been praying for some really heavy things here lately. Things I never expected to be going thru, I'm facing. So I've prayed that God would open my eyes to what is true, that He would reveal to me what needs changed in my heart.  

And then the noise starts. 

My life isnt all rainbows and butterflies shooting out my butt. I have so many great, exciting things happening and then I have a whole nother side of life that is crumbling.  

So what do I do?  I can't change what's falling apart all I can do is pray for guidance, direction, healing and strength.  I can hold on to the joy and peace that God continues to give me in this storm. 

But I carry so much guilt. I have so many people I love and so many are hurting and I feel like the cause is me. 

Is that Satan or is that true? 

I've been called a fake and phony. That I'm not as religious as I put out there.  That sucks because frankly it's not true. I've been focusing on all I so have in a effort not to lose it over the things I don't have. And God is filling me up. 

But this daily walk with Christ isn't always easy.  There are things that test our faith, there are things my heart is completely broken over that I have to trust God will see thru to completion.  

I don't want to be a lukewarm Christian who only prays when times get tough and only gives praise when great things happen. 

That I'm able to sit here now, tears streaming down my face, more confused and broken than I've been in awhile, it's the peace of God filling me. It's the people I trust reminding me that God is working. And to let Him. 

I'm not a quitter. I'm pretty stubborn.  I try to see the best in people and I try to give my best to others. Some days are easier than others. 

My heart is heavy but God can help me carry this load.  My mind is swimming with questions and trying to find the truth in the noise is exhausting. 

But God hasn't left me. God has big plans for this girl. I know He does. I'm living them. So when storms come, when I'm dodging boulders and defending who I know I am, it's easy to want to take the fastest way out. And Satan is standing there with a big EXIT HERE sign. But I'm not taking the bait. 

I don't know what God is doing but I know He's working in me.  I'm confident of that.  

And if he can use a total and complete hot mess like myself, trust that He can work in you too. 

I won't give up, I won't quit. I won't stop believing that I'm where I need to be and I'll be here until God tells me to move. Right now he's told me to be still. So I'm being still. 

I guess what this is is a full fledged temper tantrum of faith. White knuckled, crying out kinda faith. I believe, I really do, that He wants the best for me.  

I won't quit, I won't stop and I won't fail. I have too many people praying me along, loving me and encouraging me for me to end up anywhere other than exactly where God is taking me!  

I'm blessed that even in the midst of laying on the ground, crying, beating my hands and fists in an impressive temper tantrum, God loves me still 

That's a special kind of love right there! 

Finally free, UK Basketball and Life according to Me

Life according to Melissa 

1. If you want to point out the splinter in my eye, be careful with that 2x4 sticking out of your own. Wouldn't want to see you run into something blinded by that. 

2. If you don't like my blog, don't read it. I'm a writer and chances are good that I will always be.  And my book can always use more chapters of the weird and crazy. 

3. Just because someone thinks you are selfish, spoiled and an attention craver doesn't make it accurate. I may think you're crazy but that would only be my opinion, of course. 

4. If God is working in me, I'm pretty sure He'll be faithful to convict me of things I need to address.  Forgive me if I seek that over the rantings of someone who doesn't know me.  

5. I'm allowed to talk about Fletcher and Tucker. I'm allowed to be proud of them, I'm allowed to be sad sometimes. I don't criticize the pictures of all the cute stories and pics of your kids, I'd ask the same courtesy from others regarding my boys. 

6. It's easier to blame others for things you are unwilling to face in yourself. If you're lazy in your own life, don't hate on the ones doing the work and living a full life they have found happiness in. 

7. If you have screwed up, apologize. If your apology isn't accepted, that's not your burden to carry. 

8. Adding "just kidding" to the end of something mean doesn't make it a joke. It makes you a jerk who needs new material. 

9.  If you are uncomfortable in your own life, change yours. Don't throw eggs at people making efforts to better themselves. 

10. If you make a commitment, commit. Being a quitter doesn't look good on anyone. And don't lie. Lies are gross. Even the lies of omission. That's the lazy persons lie. 

11.  God can use the worst of things to reveal the best of things. Let Him, it's worth it.

12.  No one has the right to steal your joy or your smile. That can only be done if you let them. Don't let them. 

13.  If you try to convince someone they are crazy and sad and an awful person, chances are good you should be talking to a mirror. 

"Finally Free"

"And if the Son has set us free ,Then we must be free indeed

Let the chains, fall away, starting today, Everything has changed, 

I'm finally free"

I'm proud of who God is continuing to mold me into. I'm thankful for the great people in my life and I'm completely amped up that my CATS are headed to the Final Four.  

I'm thankful that I asked God to take the burdens, the chains, the things that were holding me down and back, off. I'm finally free. I'm praying for the things that are on my heart, I'm trusting that God is working in my life, and I'm committed to stop listening to the noise of those who don't know what they are talking about.  

Can't wait to see what God does with a willing heart who wants only to be where God wants me to be. This world may want to take my smile and my joy, but I'm proud of both and I'm keeping them, k, thanks!