I wish...

I wish I could simply move on.

I wish I channel the hurt and disappointment into motivation to get to a place that won't be so painful as this. 

I'm unsure how to navigate this loss. I feel like my life for the past few years has been an expensive game of Jenga. Lost Tucker and the column shakes but it doesn't fall. Fletcher dies and it's pretty obvious everything is going to crumble but it doesn't. I lived my life waiting out the shaking, waiting for the world to right again so that I'd feel comfortable moving on without fear that one hard wind would knock it over. I spent so much time trying to shield myself from the gusts, I was completely caught off guard when it was nothing more than a whisper that collapsed my world. 

I wish that moving on was as easy as it sounds. As others make it out to be. If I could identify which pain was more dominant than I may have a chance at healing. Right now I feel like I'm bleeding out and I'm surrounded by people that want to help me but as soon as they place their loving hands over the wound of losing Jason, the blood starts pouring faster from the break of losing the kids. I catch myself lost in thought of how their new schools are and if they are happy, if they miss me as much as I miss them. Do they understand that I loved them in a way that was honest and sincere and I'm unsure how to move past that and the hurt that I might not have mattered to them as much as they mattered to me crushes my heart. 

I don't know what hurts the most so I'm unsure how to move on from it. Letting go of embryos is releasing the last part of of a whole world of hope I held onto for a long time. It's letting go of the belief that J will one day wake up and realize that him walking out of my life was the moment my world stopped making sense. It hadn't felt right since the boys died but that he could walk away from me without a single glance back, crushed my heart in a way that nothing compares to. Not mattering to someone has to be the biggest disappointment and hurt in life. 

I want to move on. I'm just not sure of what to put my energy into. Each loss is different but equal in that they all have left me alone with more questions than answers. 

I'm strong. I know I am. You don't get over losing twin baby boys if you don't have some strength. You don't sit with your grandmother as she makes her way to heaven if you don't have enough strength to know that the bond you have will be stronger than the loss she leaves behind.  You don't get thru your best friend walking out on you and leaving you sobbing on the floor. You aren't capable of knowing you have 3 kids down the road who you can't see but can still walk thru life.  You can't get thru if you don't have strength. 

I'm proud of my strength but I'm tired. If I could identify what hurts the most, which pain I'm supposed to let go of first, which loss I'm supposed to move on from, which dream I'm supposed to be ok with losing, which relationship I'm supposed to be ok missing, if I could identify which loss shook my life the most, I might be able to start to move on. 

If I weren't so strong, if I couldn't manage to make it thru so much loss, would I have had to prove myself in such a painful way?  If I weren't strong enough to get thru losing everyone I loved, would I still have them? 

It's time for some good news...

I've been talking lately about the hard and hurt. It's time to talk about the things I love and there's plenty. 

This girl. Met her, hit it off immediately over complimenting each other's accessories and quickly became the best of friends. She's one of the sweetest people I know, she's up for any adventure and she love life. Jesus shines thru her and I love all the life we're living together.  We wine taste, we talk, we cry, we laugh, we shop, we eat fancy dinners together. God knew I needed someone to get me thru and he sure delivered in a fancy way!  

Walking home everyday whether it's been a good day of frustrating, I have a wall that immediately makes me smile. It's a wall that has my whole heart on display and it's a happy place to come home to. 

Music moves this girl. Speaks to me on so many levels. I love that when I'm feeling content, worried, anxious, excited or peaceful, there's always a song for that. And that that my friend knows the words to every song on my playlist and sings her heart out with me. 

Jewelry makes me happy.  So many beautiful choices to fit so many different moods. 

Wine, self explanatory! 

Shoe closests that house the highest, sexiest, collection of stilettos, wedges, booties and more. 

My Bible that I jump into everyday, encouraging books that new friends thought enough of me to send, my laptop where I am free to get out my thoughts and more. 

I love that words speak to me. I love that words can speak for me. I love that I can have no idea how I feel and then write it out and feel whole again. I love that from me sharing others feel something. 

I have a beautiful life. I am making memories everyday and I'm thankful. I'm truly thankful that right now, I have all I need. And I know as I grow, God will continue to take me to places I've never imagined. 

I love that butterflies still surround me,

Circle me and remind me that thru struggle, darkness and time, you become more beautiful than the ugliness of the cocoon that bound you. 

I'm a blessed girl with a fab life and I'm just loving loving the fab things I love! 

Mwah!  Hope you each have a list of things that make you smile, make you think and make you better! 

Doormat or obedient, selfless or stupid?

I don't suppose it's a shock to anyone that my life has, once again, turned a new corner.  I have 2 options when life turns a direction I wasn't expecting, cope or don't.  Deal or run away.  Sink or swim.

I've been reading a lot lately and was reminded of how much I like to swim.  I'm going to spend more time enjoying that than worrying about drowning.

I've been confused.  The past few weeks have been some of the most devastating I have faced in a really long time.  I lost J a long time ago.  He made a decision that he didn't want me in his life a year ago and I fought through love, words, actions, deeds, apologies, tears, to try to get us to a point of reconciliation.

I have a peace now because I realized, what I was holding onto is no longer there.  People change.  You find out the true spirit and heart of a person through the hard times and the hard times revealed in us a couple that wasn't compatible.  I wanted to fight to restore and hold true for better and worse, he decided to go the way of the world that if you aren't happy that gives you an out.

I've held on, for much too long.  I have found a peace through the troubles that surround me.  I may have placed unfair expectations on my husband.  In that I believed that when times got tough, we'd stay together and work thru them.  He didn't see that as a viable option.  So he left.  More than a few times.  And he's made himself a life that includes whats important to him.  His kids, our dog, his work, football, activities.  He never had time to talk to me.  Never would meet me.  To think that a relationship as important as a marriage could sustain, let alone be restored, through the only means of communication he would allow, text, was ludicrous and brought nothing but misunderstanding, hurt and pain.

The past few weeks I've been lost.  I've been lost in a pain I couldn't put words to which frustrated me because I believe that when you put words to something they lose power.  I don't know if it was simply my heart trying to protect the brokenness but I couldn't get it.  I didn't understand.  I couldn't comprehend that someone who was once my lover, my protector, my everything had chosen to become nothing to me.  And took everything I loved and held dear with him.

That there is the end of the sad.

I fought, I prayed, I loved, I believed, I trusted, I wanted, I begged.  I wanted my husband back.

He didn't want me.

Ouch.

But thanks.

Because in the past few days, that I have filed for divorce from a man who didn't want me, I've gained a new kind of being.  I'm me again.  I'm free.  I was waiting for a sign to show me that it was ok to end a marriage that the other had given up on and that freed me to do the same.  I'll never stop loving him.  I'll never stop believing in him.  But loving someone who he no longer is was crushing my spirit.  He changed which breaks my heart because the man I fell in love with was amazing. He was caring and giving and compassionate and kind. He would never have placed such unrealistic ideals that getting over the deaths of boys is something you can just wish away and act as thought they didn't exist. He wasn't just ok with that, that I wanted them to matter was beyond him.   I know, with all that I am, that the man I fell in love with and married was the best there was.  Simply, he was my best friend and we fit.  Loss changes people and unfortunately I lost the best of the man I loved. 

He ran away and I grew wings.  I've become a very big me.  My dreams are big, my hopes are bigger.  My hurt was way too big so I had to acknowledge what was hurting me so it wouldn't have so much power over me.  Wanting someone who no longer wants you is probably the most painful form of rejection someone can face, but I'm ok.

I'm better than ok.  I outgrew him.  I knew this a long time ago.  While I was healing and he was running, I found my voice. I found my heart, my passion, my joy and my spirit.  It was restored.  My marriage wasn't but my soul has never been fuller.  He hates that I blog to help others because it reminds him of the boys we lost. The fact that I have no husband, no toddlers or 3 kids I love, is a pretty in your face reminder everyday I can't forget. I've never understood how burying your head in the sand and running back to a life you hated would get you anywhere other than to a sad life. 

So I left that behind me.

I have lost a lot.  Some like to say that makes me a victim.  I say, ok.  Some say that i took too long to grieve.  Ok.  It no longer affects me because I've decided what is important to put energy into and what i need to leave behind.  And the snarky winches who have nothing better to do than to judge a woman who loves God, loves others and tries her best to be better than she was yesterday is completely lost on people who are content merely existing. 

I'm not made to exist, I'm made to live.

I'm leaving behind a man who showed me so many beautiful things.  We laughed, we loved, we created memories, we raised kids, we had kids, we lost babies, we lived a very full life in a few short years.  Maybe it wasn't as long as I had hoped for but what I have found has given me the strength to move on and the understanding that you can't spend your time trying to convince someone else to see the beauty, the strength the growth in you when it doesn't matter to them.  You do nothing but lose when you're fighting with someone who is a quitter.

I woke up, every single day, crushed because my husband left me and turned his back.  I'm not mad at him.  That's his decision.  I had a decision I had to get to as well though.  I could continue to hurt every day by being rejected by a family i loved with my whole heart who no longer had a place for me and grieve and hurt and cry over what I had lost or I could be thankful for the beautiful years I had with them and realize it was time to let them go.

This poem hit me hard. Right between the eyes and heart hard. It's beautiful and poignant and true. 

I'm moving on.  I can get hurt every single day by the rejection of a man who no longer believes in me, wont see or talk to me, ended our marriage over text, (I'll see your break up post in note Carrie Bradshaw and raise you a text divorce.) I can be angry about that or I can consider how much he must be running from if he couldn't even say to my face that the marriage was over.  I know that doesn't make me a coward.

The process has started and I have something I haven't had in years.  I have freedom to be me.  With no apologies, no regrets and no looking back.  My life is full, I have beautiful people surrounding me and as I face this new meantime of waiting, I'm not sure I've ever been so excited.

I know, without a doubt, who I am, what I believe and what I have to offer.  I'm headed in the direction of a beautiful place and for the first time in too many long, painful months, I'm not weighed down by heartache but am lifted by excitement.

I'm finally free to be me!

Miserable cows....moooooo!

I've come to realize that some people are just miserable people and truly suck. I mean, no redeaming qualities at all.

I don't say this lightly. 

I appreciate all the people who have loved, supported, encouraged and prayed me through the toughest of times. It's not always easy to love someone when what you are loving them thru is tough. 

I've had people who have loved me thru the loss of Tucker and Fletcher who have never known the pain of losing a baby. I've had others who have lost babies and know what the pain of losing your heart feels like. 

So forgive me, just for a moment while I  speak to the miserable, bitter, anger people who are determined to try to make the lives of others as miserable as their own lives simply because of choices they have made and I know they have no friends.  Who can send a message like this and then call me pathetic in their next bipolar moment.  It's hard to keep up with the crazy train. 

I live my life pretty much as an open book. And with that I get the good, bad and ugly that others have to offer. Some can understand, others have no idea but I've been really blessed with people who have stepped out of their comfort zone to offer support and love. 

I so appreciate that and you'll never know what your kindness and love has done for this mama. 

What I have zero tolerance and absolute no patience for is people who have lost babies, know the pain of burying their child, who use that to their advantage when it serves them well but who can also turn on a dime and offer criticism, judgment and ugliness to do nothing more than to try to make themselves relevant, when the truth of the matter is, they have nothing relevant to offer anyone. Other than to try to make themselves feel important 

If you have never faced loss and can offer someone who has love, kindness and encouragement, thank you. If you are someone who has faced that pain and finds it within themselves to shed nothing but negativity, hate and judgement in an effort to make yourself feel important, shame on you. 

Send me messages of hope and understand and then call me pathetic and looking for attention. Guess what! I have the blog, I get to shed the spotlight on the crazy. It's not on me. It's on you, who has been run out of a few sides of town for being cray cray.  You're welcome for me not posting the crap you spewed earlier, or attaching your beautiful picture to it. You're welcome! 🐽

You lost a child. You shared with me quotes, verses, encouragement, 10 years past your own loss only to turn and use it against me to gain some relevance in your otherwise sad life, shame on you. 

I'm pms'ing and clearly not in the best frame of mind to offer grace and mercy. Luckily I blocked out your name, you hateful cow. 

You've done nothing but show yourself as someone who doesn't deserve any of the support, love and condolence of a parent who has buried their child. That you can make fun of someone who has been in your shoes shows your inability to deal with reality. 

I've never once blogged, posted or written about my boys in any effort other than to show they were loved, wanted and missed every single day. My life is full. Despite losing my boys, I have a beautiful full life. 

I will never be someone who has to laugh at or make fun of someone else's loss to make myself relevant.  It annoys me that I even have wasted words to defend myself against the ugliness that such a gross, nasty, woman can say. I won't call her a mother because I don't believe anyone who can spew the hate that she has spewed should be given that title. A mother is someone who nurtures, loves and encourages. 

Some people need to be heard, in whatever capacity they can be heard. Cowards who block themselves after spewing hate, I have nothing for. Other than to say this. 

Don't you ever, ever, send me another email telling me you understand my pain and share my grief when you can so quickly cast judgement on a mother who is honest in her emotions. You are a gross, disgusting person who will have a lot to answer for. 

I wouldn't normally give any thought to someone so ignorant and disgusting as another "mother" who has lost a child, but when they judge those who have walked in their shoes, I have nothing to say but bless your heart.

You block me sweetheart, but still choose to post. Please, make yourself relevant somewhere else where your ugliness, hate and disgusting heart are welcome. It sure isn't here. 

I have been surrounded by love, encouragement and support. Thank you to those who love me. To those looking for a reason to judge me or laugh at me,

kick rocks. I'd tell you to go talk to your friends but I know you have none and that's why you continue to try to spread your misery to others. Won't work sweetheart. I know those who love me. That's why I'm blessed and you've been run out of town. 

Mwah, sweetheart. Mooooo

Is the speaker supposed to be a sobbing mess?

Seldom do really great things happen when you're comfortable.  For me, it took stepping out of what I knew and being uncomfortable to know that I was being obedient to what God was asking me to do because I didn't want to do it.  At all.

I became uncomfortable.  Like I would imagine it would feel after getting in a car wreck and the air bag deploys and punches you in the face but saves your life. 

Yesterday was huge part of healing but it hurt in a completely different kind of way than the hurt I've grown comfortable feeling.

A dear friend started a teen ministry called "Metamorphasis" and she asked me to speak at the teen conference a few months ago.  I told her I'd pray about it knowing full well I probably wouldn't because it terrified me to even consider sharing my heart, face to face, with teen girls.

God had other plans.  He laid it on my heart, I prayed about it, I knew it was something I was being called to do so I told her yes and prayed that God would speak thru me to touch the girls who would be there.

I think I sent her like 5 texts throughout the past few weeks that I couldnt do it.  I was terrified and completely freaked out.

I thought this was going to be something selfless, that I would share whatever God laid on my heart and I was confident He would speak through me and something I said would hopefully be a blessing and encourage someone there.

I get this email 30 mins before the conference started.

So yea, there to talk about my heart for Jesus, to teen girls, and being transparent and all that He's brought me through and I get black and white that someone feels pretty strongly that I don't have a sincere heart, that I'm selfish, they need to protect kids from me and who do I think I am blogging.  

So, that was kinda confusing. Until I considered the source, realized Satan was trying to derail me and kind of laughed knowing that if Satan was trying so hard to break me before it even got started that God must have some mighty moving to do.

Was feeling pretty good.

Then the first song we sang was called, "Have Your Way..." I'd never heard it.  We started singing it and immediately tears start pouring.

"Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene,
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And I"m falling apart at the seams,
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me."

DANG!  I love music.  I love songwriters that can write something that speaks exactly to my heart.

Song after song, speaker after speaker, testimony after testimony, skit after skit and dance after dance, God was speaking and moving so deliberatly and strongly in my heart.  One of the other gals said something about wounds and scar tissue being different.  Scar tissue is stronger because it's healed.  A wound is open and painful.  Made sense to me.  And kind of cut me because I had thought, up until I'm praying before my scheduled time to speak, I realized I'm not quite to the scar tissue part where all the broken parts are healed.  There were a lot of "gaping wounds" still fresh in my heart and all the praise and worship, the honest emotion from this girls, their hearts seeking and on fire for God, being part of something bigger than myself was exciting but completely gutted me.  It felt kind of exactly what I'd assume taking a salt bath after being cut and shattered would feel like.  Completely raw and painful.

I thought the theme of this years conference was "Beauty in the Broken".  It wasn't.  It was "Beautifully Broken."  Close but so completely different.  I told the girls I was more Hot Mess than anything and that proved to be pretty accurate.

I shared my heart.  It was painful.  There were moments I couldn't speak, the tears were falling and the weight of the pain was too much.  But it was so important for me to get through the pain to show that I wasn't staying there.  In my life, in my journey, in the middle of sharing this on stage, I'd make them laugh, I'd tell a story, I'd get to a part that really hurt, I cried through it, I prayed through it, when I couldn't speak for the tears, I took a deep breathe and I kept going when I was able. Kind of like I've lived the past 1.5 years.

I was terrified because it mattered.  I wanted those girls to see that if God can use this completely broken vessel, if I can keep trying to move forward even in the moments it hurts, they can keep going too. There was no shame in moving forward, even when it hurts, as long as you keep moving. I was a little worried that the message was getting lost in the snot and tears.

At one point I took a makeup wipe and took my makeup off in front of them, standing there on stage in my heels and jewelry and trying to look put together, with tears streaming, I took that makeup wipe, and took off all my makeup standing there in front of all these confused girls wondering what the crazy lady was doing.

I wanted them to see that it's ok to take off the mask.  I wanted them to see, in me, someone who wants to have it all together but clearly doesn't.  I wanted them to see in me someone who proudly is a Christian and sometimes as much as we want life to make sense, it just doesn't.  And it's ok to hurt and cry and be upset, but God will and can still work through you, IF YOU LET HIM!.

I was letting Him have his way.  And taking off the mask, onstage, changed me. 

My life verse for the past 9 months has been Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."

I don't want that verse anymore.  I'm tired of being still.  I want answers.  I want an escape.  I want my life to stop being confused and start to make some sense.  I told another dear friend this week that God had laid that verse on my heart in Jan and I was glad it was no longer my verse because I don't like being still.  She tried to hide her laughter and very kindly told me, that's still my verse.  I was like,  nah, moving on to a different verse.

It's still my verse.

"So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape.
And I'll trust you God with where I Am
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way."

I finished my testimony and tried to sing Meredith Andrew's song "You're Not Alone," which has been my anthem.  It's funny that I was most worried about being on pitch, I didn't take into consideration how hard it would be to sing through sobs.

I was trying. I warned them that I may not be able to sing the whole thing.  I tried.  I cried.  I looked out at one point and I was singing thru my tears and looked from face to face of these beautiful teenage girls that weren't judging me, they weren't laughing at honest emotion. weren't completely freaked out by my heart, they were singing along with me.  Some with smiles, others with tears streaming down their own face.

I finished and they clapped.  Then they all stood up.  Then when I walked off stage, there was a group of girls that rushed me, they ran towards me and nearly tackled me as they squeezed me into a group hug of encourgement.  I nearly melted into the floor overcome with emotion at the selflessness of these teenage girls with hearts so on fire for God and concern and love for a complete stranger.  I was completely

humbled and overwhelmed. I was praying for God to work thru me and He spent the hour working in me. Wow!

"When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind me you take the broken things and turn them into beautiful.."

Sharing the hurts, pain and blessings is hard.  But compared to being completely vulnerable face to face, blogging is easy.  Writing an article is easy.  I write my heart and walk away from it, come back, edit it, pray about it, put a picture that's relevant to go along with it and hit publish.

God asked me to do something and I did it, praying that I would be a blessing somehow to others.  I never could have imagined the chang, healing and strength I would take from it.  God changed me.  In ways I never could have gotten to had I not made myself completely raw and uncomfortable.   I have spent the day reflecting, praying and seeking His answers on a lot that has been laid on my heart.

I'm broken.  That's obvious.  It's moved on to a brokenness that's no longer about the boys but the aches and longing I have for other things in my life is a pain that I can't hide. But another speaker yesterday said that when you have a light in a vase with no cracks or breaks, the light has nowhere to shine except directly up.  When there are pieces broken, the light shines even brighter through those broken places, in unexpected ways and directions.

Some new cracks were revealed to me, some balm was applied to my wounds and I felt some scar tissue forming.  It has been a very long time since I've felt, 100%, that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, broken before him, spilled out and filled up more than I've been in too long. 

I'm broken.  I'm healing.  I'm blessed and I'm seeking.  I'm obediently walking where God takes me and I wont let anyone keep my from allowing God to work in me.

I was part of something beautiful.  Something so much bigger than me and it was incredible to feel God change my heart and my life from less "Hot Mess" to more "Beautifully Broken." 

I guess I'm getting divorced....

So I married a man. He had a son I loved more than him and he's the reason I overlooked the crap that his dad brought to the table.

If you need some for instances, porn, lots of computer porn. To the point it made me feel like less of a woman than I'd ever felt.  Whatever confidence I had left was squelched by his girlfriend.  It was a fun marriage. 

Divorcing him broke my heart only for the reason that I knew divorcing him meant divorcing the boy I'd raised from a 1yr old. That kid was my heart and soul. We had inside jokes, we had fun, we had a life we lived together and it was something special. 

Then his dad would come back in town and ruin our blissfully happy existence. I got tired of paying for his porn and losing myself so I found it within me to divorce him. 

It was the hardest decision I've ever  made. Not divorcing porn lover, divorcing the innocent boy who was forever attached to him. I gave him my heart and there is no doubt, where he is now, he knows I love him. 

Now I'm faced with the same decision. Divorce. This times it's different. The stakes are harder. He's my best friend, I love with with my whole heart, I want more for him than he cares to believe for himself.  His lifelong quote was something like "work hard for what you want and expect nothing from no one. You only have yourself to trust in."  

Sad. And he believed it. And he perpetuated it. I love wholly, I give freely and I'm a big personality. I like to have fun, I like to make memories, I love to be with my family. 

The 2nd go around, after dating half of jax, presented me with the other half

of my heart. Life wasn't always beautiful and easy with him, but we loved and appreciated each other.

Others enter the picture. Life gets hard. Things are confused. Things are taken out of context. Tears, tantrums, accusations fly. But we fought thru, together, as a family should. 

We never got past the boys dying. I wanted to talk and discuss, the other half of the equation wanted to forget and move on. I'm not here to say who was right, but the way we grieved was separate and confusing. Mostly he was annoyed by my sadness, but more confused by my desire to share the struggle and journey with others. He loved that I was smart enough to string some words together but he hated the content.  It reminded him of the worst 2 weeks of his life and he began to resent me. For my pain, for my ability to express openly my feelings and for finding healing and moving forward with a supportive and loving group of people around me. 

I took time, I healed, I blogged, I painted, I planned birthday parties, I planned vacations, I lived the best life I could. Some days happy, other days devastated.  There were good moments, there were crushing and humiliating moments. I handled some things I'm proud of, some make me sad that I was ever so down that I had trouble remembering to look up. 

When 2 people are drowinging, they can't save each other. We loved each other, the love never left. We wanted each other, it was always present. But neither of us knew how to love the other thru their hurt and he didn't trust that I was strong enough to help shoulder his pain too. When I finally found my footing and was able to love him wholly again, the walls he had built up I couldn't penetrate.  He left. 

I wish I could say we figured it out but we didn't. 

When you get to a fork in the road and the options are to face what hurt you and rock your very foundation, or completely shut down and run away, the other half of my heart ran away and shut me out. 

Not just from his life but from 3 kids I loved and had a hand in watching the beautiful children and teens they have grown into. Broken and spilled out 

I didn't do everything right. My blog made him uncomfortable because it put a voice to what he was unwilling to face. The death of 2 baby boys we wanted more than anything.  His inability to freely express his emotions became the guillotine that would eventually cut the the heart of our marriage. I wanted it to work. He wanted to run away.  I stopped sharing my heart with others and it did nothing to fix us and made me go inward to a place I couldn't breathe. For someone who has been given a voice on things I wish I knew nothing about, not using it was crushing and the healing that comes from sharing was something I couldn't deny myself. 

I don't share for likes, comments, attention, I share because it's the only thing that has kept me sane.  I'm proud that I have been able to help others feel less broken, less crazy, less alone. I didn't do it at the expense of my marriage, it was already broken.  The messages of encouragement I get keep me going. The stories of how my faith has given someone else the courage to believe has kept me writing and sharing the ugliness and humiliation that life can bring. 

You can apologize for everything, change what was broken and find healing how you need but unless and until the second part of your heart is willing to be vulnerable then you will get nowhere. 

Quickly 

When someone chooses to find solace outside your marriage because it's easier to be alone than together, it's the end of the end. 

I made mistakes, I apologized, I tried, I begged, pleaded and prayed. I thought the worst thing I could ever do to him was cheat on him. I never dreamed that taking 8 months to get over the death of 2 babies and the pain and chaos it brought along would be the unforgivable sin. 

I love him. I want him. I miss him. I believe in him. But it wasn't enough. The voices in his head, the influences in his life, have determined that I'm not someone he wants in his. Or the kids we raised together for 4 years. 

I've felt broken, lost, defeated and insecure. I thought if I found a great job he'd love me but it wasn't enough. I thought if I was happy and silly he'd see the good side of me again.  My attempts to help others thru my healing incensed him. He didn't know how to let me be that person for him and I guess that made him look at me differently.  That others could laugh at the stupid things I shared that had happened to me infuriated him. Because, I think, it made him realize I wasn't the grieving, broken, lost, empty person he had left. He had left someone who loves unconditionally, who dreams bigger and who fights for what she wants and what she believes in. 

I have come to a point of realizing that even though the why has changed along the way as to what he doesn't love or want in me, the fact is he doesn't love or want me enough to see it through. 

It's not fait to air so much maybe but it's suffocating to keep this in.  People asking me constantly how he and the kids are and the truth of, I have no idea, has left me exhausted.  

I haven't done everything right. I know that.  I've done a lot wrong along the way. I changed. I accept that. I feel God giving me strength everyday to keep going thru decisions that are being made for me. I'm not blameless, I've reacted in pain and despair. But I can't live in this existence anymore where half my life is great and the other half is hidden by this pain. 

I've loved and lost a lot in my life. Raising 3 special kids I love completely is hard to get past. Loving a man who was my best friend, the love of my heart and my boy's daddy, is a pain I'm unsure of how to walk thru. 

He made a decision. A long time ago. And I've been fighting, for too long, alone, to save what's broken.

Too many marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. When we talked to a counselor she helped us both see how easy it is to blame each other and turn from each other.  We both had hope she could get us back but only one of us was willing to keep fighting. 

I know I'll find my healing, I'll continue to stand. Land with my healed heart, I will always love those 3 beautiful kids and their daddy who taught me what it felt like to be appreciated and special and loved. 

Loss changes people. I can't be upset that although we lost the boys, in those few hours with each we held them in love and hope, loving the miracles our love and prayers had created.  I will never regret loving their dad more than I've ever loved anything. To have lost so much, he was still my everything. 

Losing the boys was awful. Losing their siblings breaks my heart. Losing their dad is something this heart was never prepared for but I've come to understand that you can't want more for someone than they want for themselves and an unforgiving heart leaves nothing but broken hearts. 

I pray he finds peace. He deserves it. I pray he knows I loved him and never stopped. I pray the kids know they have a stepmom who prays for them every day that that they feel loved, special, and that they matter to many, most of all our Heavenly Father. 

That's the rant that has been expected to come. I have written 1000 different posts but have never wanted to share it.  I haven't wanted to admit it.  Ending something never feels good, especially when you gave it all you had and fully expected a different outcome. 

I can't be upset that we had the boys because I will forever hold the best part of their daddy inside of my heart. 

I loved, big. I lost, more. But I'll never regret being part of a beautiful man, his beautiful kids, who shared in the love of our beautiful babies. 

Life isn't always fair. Things and people change. You can let it make you bitter or you can fight to make it better. Thru tears and a broken heart, every single day, I'm fighting to make it better. 

I loved and I lost but I wouldn't change a thing. I know, when he was able to give his best, I had the absolute best there was to have. I love that man and I hope he finds what he needs and wants out of life. His big heart deserves that. 

I love him. I wanted him. I fought for him. In the end, it wasn't the outcome I wanted but I'll never regret falling so in love with the man who made so many of my dreams come true. 

God has blessed my broken road with beautiful things along the way and I know He'll continue to show me mercy as I stumble down this path to come. 

I'm guilty, high heels and judging.

I'm guilty of a lot of things.

Crying because I miss Tucker and Fletcher. 

Not going to work immediately after losing my heart. 

Being proud of the crap that tried it's best to suffocate me and that I kept breathing. 

Working to the point of utter exhaustion. 

Loving without conditions.

Seeing the best in people even when they show you the ugly side of their heart. 

Working my tail off to be successful. 

Forging ahead when there were people wanting nothing more than to see me fail. 

Spending money I should have saved on impossibly uncomfortable shoes or an incredibly fantastic necklace. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

Judging. 

Being mad for being judged. 

Placing hope in someone far greater than they ever placed in themself. 

Having a firm and steady belief that tomorrow will be better.  

Crying because, what if tomorrow sucks?

Listening to the same song on repeat 1000 times.  

Crying because I see an old person eating dinner alone. 

Going to sit with an old person who's eating alone. 

Dreaming. 

Crying. 

Laughing. 

Believing. 

Giving advice to people I should have taken myself. 

Mentally throat punching people on a daily basis. 

Drowning my sorrows in wine. 

Getting up from a room because someone's mouth noises made me homicidal. 

Drowning my sorrows in prayer. 

Laughing til I cry. 

Standing taller than I ever imagined I could. 

Being disappointed in others. 

Being disappointed in myself. 

Loving others. 

Loving myself. 

I'm a crazy mix of hope and hurt and healing and pain. Of tears and laughter and sorrow and hope. Of singing and dancing and wallowing and tantrums. 

I'm guilty of a lot of things but I'm not, nor will I let anyone, make me feel guilty for being myself. 

For awhile I was ok simply being ok. No longer. I had much to prove to myself that I can stand, I can thrive, I can love and I can believe. 

I'm blessed because I have people in my corner cheering me on, I have a faith that's bigger than myself and I'm fine with being guilty of moving forward the best and only way I could. One day at a time and when that was too big, step by step. 

I'm learning, I'm moving and I'm growing.  Every single day I'm faced with the option of being happy or being sad. When you change your focus your change your outcome. 

It's a struggle, can't lie, to choose to be happy. "Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart." 

Sometimes it's disguised as whining, sometimes it's disguised as believing, sometimes it's disguised as a pain bigger than I know how to process but life keeps going. 

If I had to choose a life filled with love, hope and excitement vs a life filled with regret, resentment and anger, every single day I will choose hope!

Forward, onward and upward my friends. In high heels, with a big smile and a heart that genuinely believes the good in others.  

Be kinder than necessary. You never know what someone else is facing!  

Mwah!