Jumping off a cliff, adoption or surrogacy? Can I have an option Dplease...

The year of “firsts” is over!  I made it through the month of December, their birthdays, the first Christmas season without them.  I made it through.  Do I get a cookie or a coin or something to mark it?  

So, I made it, why am I still crying? 

Because grief sucks, because learning to live your life without your babies isn’t something that goes away even though you made it through a big milestone,  because now, more than ever, I’m so desperate to hold my baby, to look at something we created and know that I’ll be able to hold them, rock them, love them, here and now, not from afar like I hold my babies now, makes me want to scream. 

I’m still crying because I’m still hurting.  

And that sucks.

I read recently that a broken heart is a lot like having broken ribs.  To the world they don’t see anything but to the person with the broken heart, it hurts every time you breathe.

That’s pretty accurate.  I got through the first year.  Now I’m in the second.  I’m looking at toddlers wondering what Tucker would look like.  I see a blonde boy trying to walk around and wonder if Fletcher would be all over the place by now.   I hear kids calling in their kid voices to their mom and dads and wonder if those parents have any idea how blessed and lucky they are to have a precious baby calling her Mommy? 

The panic attacks had settled down lately and I smugly thought, another hurdle I’m past.  Nope.  Wrong again.  Now the panic attacks really come out of nowhere and make no sense.  Driving home last night after a great weekend, I thought of our frozen embryos, only a few miles down the road, where they’ve been for over a year now and I’ve never given much thought to them.  I mean, why would I?  But last night, I was desperate to get them, our frozies.   Why would someone be desperate to get to a building housing frozen embryos?  Because to this woman, it’s the closest thing I have to my babies. 

Am I crazy?

Maybe.  I don’t know that I’m the best judge of character right now for normal vs abnormal.  Last week I was sitting in a gym watching a basketball game and I saw the cutest little baby asleep on her mom’s lap.  I wanted to go and take the baby.  I wanted to know what it felt like to hold a baby that was mine, and love it and rock it to sleep and change it and feed it.  I wanted to hold that baby and never let it go.  I don’t think that makes me crazy.  Had I acted on it, probably would point more towards absolutely nuts and I’d be figuring out how to write this in a straight jacket. 

I have frozen embryos waiting.  And I feel like the worst kind of mom because I’m absolutely, unequivocally terrified for them to come anywhere near me right now.  I loved being pregnant.  And it was an awful pregnancy, I was sick the entire time.  My body was all sorts of screwed up from IVF that had gone bad but I was pregnant.  I didn’t care how many times I threw up.  I didn’t care how swollen my ovaries were.  I was carrying our baby boys and I loved it.  I want to be pregnant more than anything.  I want to hold our babies inside me. I want to protect them and grow them and feel them and love them every step of their lives. 

But I am terrified.  What if my body fails again?  What if what happened before happens again?  Which is worse?  Going through that again or not trying once more?  How do you make the decision to step off that cliff?  

When I went through IVF I read as many success stories as I could find.  I read what they did, what they ate, studied the schedules and rituals of woman who had gone before me and found success.  So I ate pineapple, I ate Chinese food, I saw an acupuncturist weekly, I had weekly massages.  I prayed more than I’ve prayed before that if this was God’s will for us that He would prepare my body and my heart for what we were facing. 

Now we’re facing more decisions.  More options. 

I’ve been looking into adoption.  I hear about people I know adopting babies.  Just getting a call one day and a mom wanting them to adopt her baby.  How does that happen?  Do I have to take out a billboard telling everyone that here is a mother who wants nothing more than to love a baby and raise it in a loving, chaotic, home filled with laughter and music and fun and love?   Is there a wait list for that phone call? 

I’ve looked into surrogacy.   It’s expensive.  Like so ridiculously expensive if you go through a surrogacy agency.  Why wouldn’t it be?  You are paying a stranger to carry the most valuable thing in the world!   I’ve been reading stories of mothers carrying their son or daughter’s baby for them.   Don’t think the thought didn’t cross my mind.  Don’t think I didn’t do a mental scroll through my contacts of who might be a good match.  Can you imagine that text?  “Hey, got something I want to chat about.  Happy hour soon?”  Do you hold open interviews to see who would be willing, who would be the best fit to carry the thing you want more than anything else? 

I want a baby.  I want a lot of babies.  I want a big family and I want to be called Momma.  I want a baby to cry for me.  I want to walk into a room and have a blonde haired, or black haired, or bald baby, crawl, run, cry for me.  His Mama.  I want a little girl to fall asleep on me, her Mom.   I want to think about the future knowing that I have all I need.  Not with a constant ache and desire for something that grows every single day, this longing that doesn’t not just go away but continues to get bigger and bigger. 

I did myself an injustice thinking that I had done something big.  Getting through the first year without my boys served me well if only to prove that life does go on and I was stronger than I sometimes wanted to be.  And I made it through.  I know what it feels like to lie awake in bed, night after night, not able to sleep because of the questions of how, when, why, and wonderings about the in’s and outs of me becoming a mom again.   I would give everything I have to know what it feels like to not be able to sleep because I’m sitting in a rocking chair, watching my child sleep, crying tears of thankfulness for finally having the one thing I have wanted more than anything else in my life. 

To have a baby, that is ours, mine and Jason’s, that I can hold.  That I can kiss, that I can love, close enough to touch.   To have part of my heart walking around, that I can hold, instead of carrying only in my heart and dreams.  

Where’s that happy ending?  What’s a gal gotta due to become a mom again? 

Divorce in 2014

Divorce: To cut off; separate or disunite.

2014 is a fresh start.  A new beginning.  A new chapter.  How many new chapters do you get in life?  As many as you need I guess. 

Do you know how you'll handle things?  I think we all like to think ourselves being strong, resilient  a fighting spirit.  Unfortunately, you never really know how you will act, react and live until you are faced with things you never imagined facing when you thought you'd be strong enough to handle all that life as thrown at you. 

How have I gotten through the past year?  With God.  With family.  With friends.  With solitude.  A lot of time a lone.  A lot of tears.  A lot of anger.  A lot of frustration.  I've thrown things, I've hit things, I've said things I shouldn't have, I've said things that hurt but were honest.  I've cussed, I've prayed, I've listened to sad music, I've listened to happy music.  I've drank wine, I've drank orange juice.  I've shopped, I've saved.  

What's all that mean?  It means that last year I got thru the best way I could.  By putting one foot in front of the other. By taking it day by day, and when that was too much, too daunting, I took it minute by minute.  

And here I stand, a year later, still fighting. 

I'm fighting myself.  I'm fighting the judgements of others.  I'm fighting the lies I tell myself and the lies that others tell me.  I'm fighting Satan and I'm fighting friends.  I'm fighting to keep my head above water because life doesnt ever let up it seems.  

This is depressing, I don't mean it it be.  Life is frustrating.  I feel like I've always been pretty open with my struggles.  I feel like I've always been the first to say that I'm far from perfect.  I am thankful that I have a God who understands that life is hard and when we don't live it in a way that is right, we can be forgiven.  

But know what else is true?  There's no handbook for how to get through things.  You get through things by going through them.  I havent given up.  I haven't quit trying and I haven't stopped living.  

So this year, 2014, I'm divorcing some things.  I'm cutting off some others and I'm separating from what is holding me back. 

I don't really do resolutions but this is my list of what I hope 2014 looks like. 

1.  Letting go.  I can't change 1 thing I did last year.  Not 1.  I can be proud of how I handled some things, learn from things I handled wrong and move forward in an effort to continue to grow.

2.  Moving forward.  I will never move on from my boys.  Not even going to try.  They made me who I am today. I am stronger, I love bigger and I live differently because of them.  But they aren't here with me so I have to continue to move forward to see what else this life has for me.  

3.  Done apologizing.  I made mistakes.  I made the wrong decisions.  I screwed up some big things.  Out of grief, out of despair, out of hurt, I didn't always make the best decisions.  But I never disrespected my husband, our marriage or my relationships.  I never did anything that should be looked at as wrong because I did the best I could.  Even when it didn't look that way to others.  Thankfully, I'm done apologizing.  

4. Leaving the hurt behind.  Not everyone will love you.  Not everyone will want you.  Not everyone will be my friend.  I tend to see the best in people even when it's the wrong thing to do.  A lot of people have a problem with my transparency.  Because it makes them uncomfortable.  Thats on them, not me.  I will leave the people who showed me who they really are in 2013.  And I wont apologize for it.  See #3. 

5.  Not sweating the small things.  And it's a lot of small things.  It's ok to sweat the big things.  The small things, going to let go of.  See #1. 

Last year was a year of healing.  I needed it.  I have never been more lost, confused, broken and empty than I was in a lot of 2013.  I lost my boys, I lost my Nana, I lost my job, I lost some friends.  I even lost some family. But I gained a lot!  I know what matters and I know who cares.  I know who I can lean on and I know what is important.  

I have a good life.  I have bad days but I don't have a bad life.  I'm just a girl, with a lot to say about a lot of things.  I will continue to write, I will continue to heal and I will continue to move forward.  Hopefully with less tears, with less hurt and with less baggage.  

I have a good life.  I am blessed with some really special people and I'm thankful for the promises that I hold in my heart that I still not only cling to but also believe.  

I'm not perfect.  I'm not always strong. I'm not always happy.  But I'm always trying, I'm constantly learning and I'm never going to give up hoping for better, seeing the best in others and living my life in a way that will honor my boys.  

Happy New Year friends.  I have high hopes for a great, prosperous and full 2014.  

Yoga, Gas and Cancer

I kept busy today.  Not realizing why until 20 mins ago.

Dad had a skin cancer procedure done today.  They cut a piece out of his leg, tested the skin, if there was still cancer, they kept cutting.  And testing.  I was on standby in case he had a lot cut and needed me to pick him up.  I prayed for healing and good news.  His procedure was at 8.  By 930 I hadn't heard anything, so I email my mom.  No response.  So I call her at work.  Voicemail.  I call Dad's cell, straight to voicemail.  I call Mom's cell, no answer.  I am on the verge of total panic attack, convinced it was really bad news and they didn't know how to tell me so he and Mom were at the dr's office figuring out how to tell me awful news.  Well, Mom was home sick today and dad only had to have 2 cuts, Praise the Lord, and they got it all.  This whole total anxiety, panic filled existence sucks.

Finally went to the gym.  But it wasn't without drama and tears and anxiety.  I used to be so independent.  There wasn't anywhere I wouldn't go by myself.  Was never a person that had a problem going to the movies or out to eat, I loved the time alone.

Not so much, now.  I am good with going alone to places that I have established as ok I guess.  Can go to the store, no problem.  Gym, alone?  Not a chance.  I've been wanting to go for months.  Wanting an outlet, wanting to get healthy, wanting to just do something.  Jason has been getting up at 4am and going to work out in the morning for a few weeks now.  I've made promises to myself and him, that I'd go.  Today he asked me.  I wanted to.  But I panicked.  I started crying, had anxiety, couldn't make myself go for anything.  Then I get this.

And I went.  Jason met me there after he got off work and as he'd already worked out this morning, he went in to change and met me outside.  He walks up and he's wearing the exact same tshirt I had on.  My first time at the gym and I'm matching my husband.  We have 1 matching shirt, one of Landon's baseball shirts, and we had both worn them.  I was so embarrassed.  I tried turning my shirt inside out and there were deodorant stains so I couldn't do that.  I finally cleaned out my car so I had no spare clothes.  So, we walk in all matchy matchy and hopped on the treadmills looking like sickening sweet dorks. 

I wanted to try yoga.  Last and only time I'd ever done it in a gym was years ago with a friend of mine.  A man was in the class and during downward dog, he let out the biggest gas bomb that just echoed and neither of us could control our laughter.  We got several mean stares and never went back.

Well, today, I tried a yoga class and that handsome, supportive husband of mine was right beside me on his mat.  We'd catch glimpses of each other during downward dog or warrior pose and it was so "yoga-y" in the room, that laughing isn't really happening.  And you know what happens when you aren't supposed to laugh.  I was about to start snorting a few times.  Then I'd look in the mirror to check my form and I'd see me, doing my pose and my tshirt twin beside me, doing the best he could.  And then, laying on my mat, listening to the instructor, trying to center myself and relax, I had to choke back sobs.  Yoga is healing.  For the body, for the soul.  It centers around what my grief counselor has been trying to get me to do for months now, breath.

So I'm relaxing, I'm letting myself breath, I'm stretching, I'm focusing on the reason I am doing this and it was overwhelming.  I'm doing this for me.  I'm doing this for my family.  But I'm doing this to get myself to a place where we can move forward, healthy in body and mind, to try this whole growing our family thing again.  She had us all close our eyes, really dig deep, relax and breathe and then she told us to smile.  Everyone's eyes are closed so you can feel comfortable doing your yoga facial moves and all and I looked over and there is my husband.  My best friend.  My boy's daddy.  With the biggest grin on his face, laying on his yoga mat, relaxing and breathing.  And he did it, all for me.

It's been 6 months since we had Fletcher.  It's been half a year since our world collapsed on top of us.  Seems impossible.  When I think back on where I was this time last year, it just knocks me over.  Because a year ago, I thought we had our worst day ever when we went in for insemination and found out Jason was dry and would have to do IVF and surgery for him.  We couldn't imagine anything worse.  We went to the beach, this time last year, and I sat there, watching the waves, knowing that our life was going to change in the next year.  I had no idea.

I can't be mad.  Tucker and Fletcher were the best things I've ever done.  I miss them.  Everyday I miss our boys.  I read something that said, a woman is always a woman, until she gives birth and becomes a mom.  My boys made me a mom.  Their deaths can't take that from me.

Jason and I fight.  We argue.  We get frustrated with each other.  Only ever because we grieve differently.  We grieve separately.  That's one thing you can't share, how to deal with loss.  Each person has to figure that out on their own.  But we come together, we love each other, we encourage each other and we are getting healthy for each other.

6 months later.  We made it this far and I know we'll make it the rest of the way.  Best way there is, together. 

I'm less than fine...

I'm less than fine. 

I'm not really even ok. 

I'm tired. I don't want to go through another December. I don't want to face Dec 10, when my water broke. I don't want to face Tucker's birthday. I don't want to face Fletcher's.  

I'm tapped out. Emotionally I'm just completely drained. 

I made it through Thanksgiving. I made it through. I survived another holiday completely brokenhearted. 

Am I thankful?  Of course I am. I know that life is fragile, I know that not everyone has supportive and loving parents. I know what I still have left. And I'm thankful. 

But I'm tired. My heart is just really tired. I actually feel the ache. I feel the emptiness. I know what it feels like to have your heart overflowing and I know what it feels like to have it broken.  I thought it was more healed than it is. But if I'm giving myself credit, I have survived more than I've lost. 

I don't know what this life means. I know that we dnt live for this life but we live for eternity but I'm kind of unsure of how to navigate this journey that seems to be just loss after loss after loss after loss. 

It's not a why me. My heart breaks for so many people, please trust that my heart doesn't just break for the things I no longer have. 

For someone who feels so much, to feel so empty at the same time is confusing. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite times of the year. I know we aren't supposed to live in the past but my mind drifts. 2 years ago I had absolutely everything I ever wanted, more than I ever expected and the promise of so much more more. 

This year I'm still clinging to hope. It's all I have left. And the broken, empty, lost parts of me scream out so much louder than the parts filled with hope but thankfully, the hope still has a voice. 

I'm tired. I tired of the aching in my heart. I'm tired of the hurting and I'm tired of trying to survive. 

Is this all I am and all I talk about?  No, I live a pretty full life. I don't talk about what I'm actually feeling nearly enough because it makes people weary. I'm tired of making people weary. I'm more tired of being the source of that. I'm someone who has great stories, makes people laugh. People are good with that. The empty Melissa, not so much. 

Life 2 years ago made sense. I had my husband, our 3 kids, our parents, our aunts and uncles, my Nana, all celebrating that we were adding two more boys to the chaos. 

I've lost more than I've still got. I'm drowning. It's harder to keep standing when you're drowning but I'm still here. 

God, if you're still listening, I'm tired. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be lost. I don't know what will heal my heart when I can't hold my babies, my arms and heart are empty and my spirit just feels defeated. I know you are still in the business of making beautiful things out of a mess, I haven't given up. Please get me thru the next month. If for no other reason I have 2 little boys who deserve to have a mom who doesn't quit. Tucker, Fletcher, your mama loves you and though heaven feels really far away right now, I know you're safe and loved. 

I'm tired. But I haven't given up. And I won't.  

Completely broken and exhausted

"Is the person you are now bigger than the failure you're holding onto?"

What's left of me, I'm honestly not sure.  I've been running on empty for awhile. 

I made it thru my birthday. With so many texts and calls and messages from loving people. Almost made me forget I didn't hear from my husband or kids. 

That makes me feel ridiculous even saying that. There's 1000 things that have happened since the last I saw them and my birthday that I wished I heard something and heard just nothing.  My birthday was no different. I don't blame the kids, I'm nothing to them. Doesn't change what they are to me though I guess. And I thought myself so strong because the entire time my mom was in the hospital I wanted to text J but I never did. Because even though I wish it weren't true, he doesn't care. I know he doesn't. So why does my heart still react in wanting him to? 

The weather is colder. Which I love. Normally. Because it signals the start of my favorite time of year. Normally. Thanksgiving. Christmas. It makes me mad that I want to just skip to April. 

J left me last Thanksgiving. And took the kids. So I faced my "first" alone and I managed. I mean I completely freaked and dyed my hair dark which was a flippin disaster but all things considered, I survived. 

I'm tired of surviving. Honest. Just so tired of being strong enough to handle loss after loss after hurt after heartache. I don't want to keep waiting around for divorce papers.  Divorce papers that don't just end an already broken marriage but also destroy the 10 healthy embryos I had such hopes for.  I don't want to have our divorce final in between the boys birthdays. I want a break. I want a flippin break. 

If this seems sad and depressing, by all means, go back to your life that isn't but I have to get this out of me before I implode.  I've held too much in for too long. I'm exhausted and I'm broken. 

I don't want to go thru thanksgiving again alone. Knowing a few weeks later I have Tucker's birthday.  Do I nod at J and the kids if I pass them at the tree?  Christmas Eve is my baby's birthday and I don't want to do it. I thought making it thru the first year made me immune to the pain and hurt and confusion and emptiness of the second. And it may have. If this year I wasn't also grieving my husband, our boys, our marriage and 3 kids I haven't seen in 6 months. 

Instead of this being a tragic, pathetic blog about annoying things people don't like to read about, like real life, I'll do this.

There's a whole lot that breaks this gals heart. But everyday I make the decision to try again to live a good day.  I don't have anything but my parents to cling to, heaven seems so far away where my heart and empty arms long to be. 

God spared me. For something. I'm meant to live life for something and I'll find it and I'll keep going.  Heart broken, arms empty, I'll keep going. I'm tired of hurting. Im tired of being alone. I'm tired of wondering if life will ever let up, even just a moment so I can catch my breath?  Because right now, I'm drowning. 

This is something bigger than me. Has to be. I wouldn't have the balls to keep looking for something that will make sense if I didn't believe better is out there. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorites.  Deaths, divorce, seperation be damnded, ill get thru this too. 

Somehow. Stronger and better.  

Somehow... 

I wish...

I wish I could simply move on.

I wish I channel the hurt and disappointment into motivation to get to a place that won't be so painful as this. 

I'm unsure how to navigate this loss. I feel like my life for the past few years has been an expensive game of Jenga. Lost Tucker and the column shakes but it doesn't fall. Fletcher dies and it's pretty obvious everything is going to crumble but it doesn't. I lived my life waiting out the shaking, waiting for the world to right again so that I'd feel comfortable moving on without fear that one hard wind would knock it over. I spent so much time trying to shield myself from the gusts, I was completely caught off guard when it was nothing more than a whisper that collapsed my world. 

I wish that moving on was as easy as it sounds. As others make it out to be. If I could identify which pain was more dominant than I may have a chance at healing. Right now I feel like I'm bleeding out and I'm surrounded by people that want to help me but as soon as they place their loving hands over the wound of losing Jason, the blood starts pouring faster from the break of losing the kids. I catch myself lost in thought of how their new schools are and if they are happy, if they miss me as much as I miss them. Do they understand that I loved them in a way that was honest and sincere and I'm unsure how to move past that and the hurt that I might not have mattered to them as much as they mattered to me crushes my heart. 

I don't know what hurts the most so I'm unsure how to move on from it. Letting go of embryos is releasing the last part of of a whole world of hope I held onto for a long time. It's letting go of the belief that J will one day wake up and realize that him walking out of my life was the moment my world stopped making sense. It hadn't felt right since the boys died but that he could walk away from me without a single glance back, crushed my heart in a way that nothing compares to. Not mattering to someone has to be the biggest disappointment and hurt in life. 

I want to move on. I'm just not sure of what to put my energy into. Each loss is different but equal in that they all have left me alone with more questions than answers. 

I'm strong. I know I am. You don't get over losing twin baby boys if you don't have some strength. You don't sit with your grandmother as she makes her way to heaven if you don't have enough strength to know that the bond you have will be stronger than the loss she leaves behind.  You don't get thru your best friend walking out on you and leaving you sobbing on the floor. You aren't capable of knowing you have 3 kids down the road who you can't see but can still walk thru life.  You can't get thru if you don't have strength. 

I'm proud of my strength but I'm tired. If I could identify what hurts the most, which pain I'm supposed to let go of first, which loss I'm supposed to move on from, which dream I'm supposed to be ok with losing, which relationship I'm supposed to be ok missing, if I could identify which loss shook my life the most, I might be able to start to move on. 

If I weren't so strong, if I couldn't manage to make it thru so much loss, would I have had to prove myself in such a painful way?  If I weren't strong enough to get thru losing everyone I loved, would I still have them? 

It's time for some good news...

I've been talking lately about the hard and hurt. It's time to talk about the things I love and there's plenty. 

This girl. Met her, hit it off immediately over complimenting each other's accessories and quickly became the best of friends. She's one of the sweetest people I know, she's up for any adventure and she love life. Jesus shines thru her and I love all the life we're living together.  We wine taste, we talk, we cry, we laugh, we shop, we eat fancy dinners together. God knew I needed someone to get me thru and he sure delivered in a fancy way!  

Walking home everyday whether it's been a good day of frustrating, I have a wall that immediately makes me smile. It's a wall that has my whole heart on display and it's a happy place to come home to. 

Music moves this girl. Speaks to me on so many levels. I love that when I'm feeling content, worried, anxious, excited or peaceful, there's always a song for that. And that that my friend knows the words to every song on my playlist and sings her heart out with me. 

Jewelry makes me happy.  So many beautiful choices to fit so many different moods. 

Wine, self explanatory! 

Shoe closests that house the highest, sexiest, collection of stilettos, wedges, booties and more. 

My Bible that I jump into everyday, encouraging books that new friends thought enough of me to send, my laptop where I am free to get out my thoughts and more. 

I love that words speak to me. I love that words can speak for me. I love that I can have no idea how I feel and then write it out and feel whole again. I love that from me sharing others feel something. 

I have a beautiful life. I am making memories everyday and I'm thankful. I'm truly thankful that right now, I have all I need. And I know as I grow, God will continue to take me to places I've never imagined. 

I love that butterflies still surround me,

Circle me and remind me that thru struggle, darkness and time, you become more beautiful than the ugliness of the cocoon that bound you. 

I'm a blessed girl with a fab life and I'm just loving loving the fab things I love! 

Mwah!  Hope you each have a list of things that make you smile, make you think and make you better!