Like sunlight burning at midnight...

Making my life something beautiful, beautiful!

God's been up to something. And now it's come to light in the way of my job. This is a company that cares about their people. In words and in actions. The boss man is already taking care of me and making sure that I know and am confident that they are going to help me get back on my feet, become successful, grow some roots.

It's funny how things change. 2 months ago I couldn't wait to start the other job because it would have gotten me out of Jacksonville every week a different location. That would have been fun. For a little bit. It's not a job conducive to building a life here. And at the time I wanted to build a life anywhere but here. I wanted to run away.

This job awakened a lot of things in me. My passion for real estate, my desire to belong to something bigger, to make a name for myself, to be independent, to settle down, to just be me again.

I was sitting on the bitter wagon for a little bit. This is a great job. I'm more than excited to become part of their team. But the fact that it took me 15 months to find that job was hard for me to swallow. Kind of like dating everyone in Jacksonville and then falling in love with the person across the street. I could have gotten this job a long time ago. The test I had to take would have had the same results last year. I could have sold myself last year. But I wasn't ready. I have to be honest with myself. The job in radio came at a time that I was going through my divorce, losing my house, losing Jonas. It kept me busy, it kept me occupied, it made me get out of bed.

But this past year was a year of healing. I believe that as sure as I'm sitting here. I may have gotten this job last year but I wouldn't have kept it. I had ADD in every area of my life. I couldn't concentrate on anything, had no faith in myself and had some really dark days. I know those days are behind me. Job stress and the stress of life that I went through are 2 completely and totally different things. I welcome the job stress. Learning new things, meeting new people, making money!!

I'm a different person than I was even a few months ago. I know that God has a plan for my life. I don't have the answers and I'm not sure of His ways but I know they are to prosper me and bring me to a beautiful place.

I've had a lifetime of experiences, sadness, disappointments in the past. And I'm gladly leaving them in the past. Like sunlight burning at midnight, it's a beautiful thing. Mercy reaching me and saving me. It's unexpected, it's more than you deserve, and it's been there all along, you just have to be ready to accept it.

I'm blessed. I'm more than excited to see where this new path takes me. I know it will be more than I expect and more than I feel like I deserve. And that's the amazing thing about God's love. It covers you and gives you what you need. When you need it and when you're ready for it. I'm ready. I'm so so ready....

God's timing = NOW! Employed!!!

Got the job I wanted. Very fast turnaround. Had my first interview Mon, 4 interviews later, offer today! Big fat sigh of relief. I can breathe again. I didn't realize how long I'd been holding my breath.

This is a place I can land and grow some roots. No more running away. No more standing in my own way. I'm at peace. I'm happy. I'm excited and I'm ready.

I have too much inside, not ready to come out yet I guess as I've feeling kind of speechless. Me. Speechless. I'm sure I'll have more to say later.

So for now I'll just say thank you for the prayers, the encouragement, the support, the shoulder, the listening ear, caring heart. It pulled me through. I appreciate the continued prayers as I start this new journey. Into the unknown, but a very exciting unknown. EMPLOYED!!

Blessed, loved and taken care of. In so, so many ways!

Things I know.

Because I have learned the hard way. But have learned none the less. And it feels good to not only know that I know them but that I act upon them, abide by them, and live by them.

1. Trust your gut. Especially as females I think that we were wired with the "gut" instinct. It's never steered me wrong. I haven't always listened to it. Or more accurately I haven't always acted on it. It's not something you can't hear. You feel it. Whether it's the wrong guy, a friend, family, situations, circumstances, jobs....whatever it is. I'm listening, and acting, on what my gut tells me. Because I've learned it's not just womans intuition. When you pray and ask for guidance, the feeling you get is just that, guidance. To save you heartache, disappointment, sadness.

2. When people show you who they are, believe them. Better yet, when people tell you who they are, listen. People, ok who am I kidding, guys, like to talk about themselves. But if you listen to them, watch them, and see who they really are, it will save you a lot of hurt and heartache. Sometimes is easier than others. The right clothes, the right words, the right hair, car, job, family, circumstances may gloss over what you don't want to see but if you really look at who someone is showing you they are, be thankful. If you act accordingly it will save you heartache, disappointment, sadness.

3. God's timing is perfect. I say this with my circumstances still as they have been for the past 15 months. Living with the parents, unemployed, divorced. What's changed is how I feel. I'm not sure why a job that seemed perfect for me and so much more than I ever dreamed of never came to be. I'm going for my 4th interview tomorrow. The president told me it would be a long process. A lot of interviews. I expected months. Not for all of this to be this week. And the compensation package wasn't what I hoped. I cried about it. Then I asked about it and told him my concerns and he came back with something that was more than I asked for. And he's talking about more. I may get this job. I may not. But I know that God has revealed through this that I still have passions, I still have dreams and I have the confidence in myself to get through this and excel. May not be much to others, to me, it means a lot.

4. There are good people out there. Tonight I was with a girlfriend and a stranger walks up to me and tells me I'm beautiful. He was kind of going on and on about it and I was flattered and a little embarrassed. The he leans in and says, "Stop selling yourself short. You have more to offer than you realize and it's time you started believing that." I was like, um, going to start crying right here, Mr Mind reader. I don't know who he was. Never seen him, probably won't again. But tonight I was in a situation that I didn't want to be in necessarily but it gave me closure that I know I need. And this stranger gave me some advice I need to take to heart. I can dress up and put a pretty face to the world but I'm more than I've let myself be. I'm not going to hide anymore. Behind anything.

5. I'm blessed. More than I deserve and more than I realize. I know my life is going to change. I know the change is for the better. And I know it's because God's timing is now for me. For a job, for a husband, for kids, for peace, for self acceptance, for his blessings. I don't know the timeline but I know the time keeper. And in His time all things come together for those who believe in him. And God's grace has allowed me to falter, slip, slide my way through this meantime, but I've made it. And I dare I say, I'm better for it.

I'm not the person I was even a few months ago. I've learned from my mistakes. I've grown into this new me. It feels good. Better than I expected. I have good friends, an amazing family and more blessings than a girl should have.

I haven't seen any butterflies lately. And it's spring. I saw more butterflies in the winter than I do now. I think that's by design. I've had to look for my own butterfly moments. And I've found them. And that has given me the peace to know I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I'm blessed, I'm happy and I know as sure as I'm sitting here...I'm where I'm supposed to be!

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah!

Reason for Blah today:

Dating.
I'm not looking. I'm dating. And it's a pain in the butt dealing with the dramatic, emotional, pain in the butt guys that come with dating!! And you don't know they are dramatic, emotional, pain in the butt guys until you date them. Blah blah! I'm being patient. Yes, this is the patient me!

Interview.
Tests today for real estate were timed and mind teasers., problem solvers, writing paragraphs about nothing and you couldn't erase or change anything, pictures of shapes on top of shapes I've never seen from 8 different views from space and you had to see if it was the same or different. Oh and some fun math without a calculator thrown in for good measure. Not one question on figuring out commission, which is the only math I do! Brain Dead!!!! I kept waiting for the dunce bell to go off! But the good news. It's a great company. If I'm smart enough to get hired they have all kinds of benefits of working there. We shall see.

Government/COBRA.
I go to pay the premium for next month, open the envelope and without any warning, any explanation, NOTHING, my COBRA has gone up and additional $250!! IN ADDITION to what I was paying. Almost $400. A MONTH. For insurance. And if you don't pay, cant afford to pay, whatever, you lose everything, really. Because then you have a lapse and if you have pre-exisiting (I do) then all the money you paid all the months before is for nothing. Who can survive when health care alone is $400 for ONE PERSON?? One person! One healthy person!! Absolutely asinine and disgusting.

I'm done griping. Just one of those days. If it was going to happen to tick me off, it's happened today. Even the dream I had when I took my nap today ticked me off. I woke up so angry. So I'm praying. For my angry outlook, my bleak blog and my everyone is against me mentality. But today it was true, everyone was out to get me.

Tomorrow will be better. I still have options, I'm still sassy, if not a little deflated, but blessed and excited for the things I know are coming!! My best days are in front of me! My best days are in front of me. My best days are in front of me. Smile, repeat, ad nauseum...

Broken clocks, more dates and more interviews

Interview tomorrow for a builder. Back in real estate. Exciting and a little anxiety inducing. Where I made a lot of money, was hugely successful, loved my job, and met great people. I pray if this is the right job that the door will be open only wide enough for me to walk through.

Meeting with the Plastic surgery/day spa this week. Hopefully to have a brainstorming, business plan, meeting of the minds to see if this is something that can realistically be a position that I can handle, thrive, excel at.

A lot of resumes went out to some really great businesses in hope that one of these will be the right one for me.

I can't stress how badly I need one of these to be IT for me. A job means productivity, goals, co-workers, staying busy, working towards success, working towards independence. One of them will work out. I know in my gut it will. God's been preparing me for something. I'll wait patiently to see it revealed to me. He knows my worth, he knows my dreams, he knows my talents. He knows what job will be the right fit.

Same with guys and dating. It's lonely not having someone to lean on. I'm lonely not having someone to lean on. I have had a lot of people who lean on me, maybe walk on me, but I guess I've decided thats not to be anymore. I deserve better. I don't deserve to be taken care of out of convienence. I don't deserve to be someones afterthought. I"ve been someones everything. And it feels really nice. What would feel even better is to find my partner that completes the parts of me that are missing or adds to the ones that are lacking. And likewise.

I'm emotional tonight for stupid medical reasons. And that makes me even more angry and emotional. Praying that when the Dr gets back from his vacation we can have a come to Jesus meeting and figure out the best course of action to get my body in tip top shape. Has to be a way.

I miss Jonas. So much today it breaks my heart. So I'm praying for him more today that normal. God will protect him and guard his heart and hold him close.

My dream is that I'm going to be introduced to a man that wont even be a question as to whether he's right for me or not. I'm going to interview for a position and it will be blaringly obvious that the job is for me. And I get a start date. And an income that makes sense for me. And I'll actually start working...

Im not whining, really I'm not. I'm getting all of *this* outside of my head and heart so I can pray w a clear mind. So I can hear the whispers of God's promises without the white noise. I know where I'm going. I know how I'll get there. It's going to be full of surprises but that's ok.

Prayers for patience, understanding, confidence and fortitude are appreciated.

I'm blessed. Emotional if not somewhat neurotic at the moment, but blessed none the less and looking forward with the confidence of knowing that it's out of my hands. God's got it under control. His clock isn't broken, the timing just still isn't right....

Soon!

Done with getting over...

My life is about to change. In a lot of ways. I know it, I feel like I'm being prepared for it, it's exciting and also scares the crap out of me. This "meantime" has become my normal. As uncomfortable and ill fitting as it is, it's become known and safe for me. My world's about to get rocked I think.

Some things I'm ready for-

The getting over guys thing, done with it. I'd love to find someone to fall in love with. I've had a few guys fall in love with me over the years, I wonder now, what it would be like to let myself fall. I just find myself getting over, making excuses, and building walls to protect myself from guys that probably, honestly, should never have been that close to me to begin with. But they too were safe I guess. Guys falling in love with you doesn't hurt. It's when you decide that you'll be the one to fall that opens you up to hurt. And to happiness...

The doubting myself thing, done with it. I'm more capable than I allow myself to believe sometimes because it's easier. If the bar is set low then it's hard to fail. And I feel like I've had my lifetime of failures over the past few years. Whether it was my divorce, my finances, losing Jonas, a job, my independence...it wasn't how I envisioned my life to be so that equaled failure. I got married because my heart was open and full of hope. My finances were lost because I put other's needs ahead of my own. I lost Jonas because of reasons I'm still sorting out. I lost my job because I wasn't able to give my best, I was going through hell and was trying to survive. And I did. I lost my job but I survived...I'm not blaming others, I'm not playing the victim. I'm recognizing that in order to fail you have to try. And I did. A lot of both. I'm capable of more than I've allowed myself to be. Out of fear. I'm done with that too.

I had someone very special tonight tell me that she looks to my words and thoughts when she feels like giving up. That I somehow always find God's will in whatever I'm going through. No kinder words could be spoken of me. Because that right there is a testament to the prayers, encouragement and belief, in yourself, in your God, in your family....that you can do, you'll be better for it, and if it hasn't killed you yet, chances are good it probably won't.

My life is going to change. It's going to probably get more chaotic before it calms down. There will be scary moments, moments of fear and moments of excitement. I'm ready. My Ralph Lauren bags are packed and I'm getting the heck of of this meantime. I'm done with getting over. I'm on to having better!

Blessed. So blessed and so ok!!

I'm special...short bus special!

Tonight I had an "eventerview"at a plastic surgeon place for office manager/sales director. I was thrown into the pit and worked the registration table making name tags. A girl 10 years younger than me hands me two markers and says "dont get them on your skin." I was like, ok mom, thanks. I got 3 purple dots on my hands. I soon realize during the plastic surgeons presentation that the markers are the ones they use to mark up your skin prior to surgery. I'm special!

Fun day though. Got dressed up, went and wined and dined with some old biddies and had some fun learning about all things spa and plastic surgery related. Then spent some time with my girlfriends. All in all, good day. Aside from the part where I got stuck in the parking garage and couldnt find my way out. Every turn I made took me to floor 2, then 3, then 2, then 3. Was *this close* to freaking out.

Have an interview next week for a builder. Ideally the spa thing will work out because it combines all my passions. Sales, bossing people around, and beauty stuff. However, beggers can't be choosers and I'll be happy with whatever direction my life takes as long as it stops at "Employed!"

I'm in a good place. My medical thing seems to be in check for the time being which means my mental health is allowing me to be around the general population and I feel good.

I realize every day how blessed I am. I can't say enough how lucky I am to have the parents I do. They love, trust and encourage me more than I deserve. My friends constantly sing their praises and tell me how blessed I am. I don't need the reminder but maybe they do...

Mom, Dad, you all are amazing friends to the people you know and work with, to your family, to strangers. I've never met 2 more Godly, loving people than you...I'm blessed and fortunate. I hope I make you proud, even though I have more blonde moments than not.

My life's headed in the right direction. I know it is. I have a peace that passes all understanding because nothing has changed really except for how I'm seeing things, perceiving things and receiving things...

Life is what you make of it. I'm trying to make it good, worthwhile and a blessing to others I meet...if that includes some hot men along the way and a job offer or two, I'll count myself doubly blessed!