From where I stand...

Tonight I saw a beautiful rainbow. I'm not a beautiful rainbow person right now. I've been more of a curse the rain kind of gal lately. But this one was literally right outside my office window at the end of a very long, frustrating day. It looked close enough to touch. It was beautiful. Came right after a fierce 5 minute storm. Hmm...

A year. One year ago my life was so completely different. Everyday I am thankful for where I am now. One year ago if you would have told me that I would be settled into a job I love, married to a man who is one of the best men I've ever known, living in a home with all my stuff, planning my future with my husband, I would have laughed in your face. Really, in your face.

A moment. I know how fast things can change. A sweet, kind woman I met years ago when we worked for the same company was killed in a car wreck a week ago. She was on her way to work. She left behind a husband, children, grandchildren. She didn't do anything wrong. Someone else did. She was t boned because someone else ran a red light. So many people's lives changed in a moment. A single moment that no one can take back.

A stress. Some things I still can't let go of. Going through the past 4 years has made me grow in a lot of ways. It's also exacerbated some bad qualities. Namely, OCD and Control Freakitis. I know, shocking on both accounts. Letting go of the control is still a white knuckled effort. Daily. I pray about this. I'm trying.

A worry. Jason and I are planning for our future. While living our lives day to day. I'm still learning that. How to live in the now while planning for the tomorrows. It's not easy. I'm a planner. Drives him crazy. Me too if I'm being honest. We have some big things coming up and I know that God has a plan. The last year of mine and Jason's life is a big, fat, flashing, neon sign of "I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU, TRUST ME!" Not sure why this is so hard to remember. Nothing is a surprise to God. Control freak needs to let go and let God. Still. Always.

A hurt. Some people just don't get it. They will always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Some people just don't care. Some are going through their own things and don't have much left to pay attention to much else. I am learning, slowly, that I can't change people. I can't make people do better, be better, act better or care more. I can pray for them. I can be the person I wish them to be. The burden doesnt fall on me to keep it together for everyone. The burden doesnt fall in my lap to make sure that everyone else is ok. I have a skewed vision of where compassion and care turns into people pleasing and fixer. I'm a work in progress.

What's the point of this? Today as I was planning for my tomorrows, upset with answers people were giving me, crying because of disappointing news I got, beating my head against the wall because of frustrations, wondering how in the world things will work themselves out when to me they just seem to be a big mess that wont add up no matter how much I control them and want them too...

I saw a double rainbow. From my window I saw this beautiful rainbow that seemed close enough to touch that was pretty but quite honestly, kind of lost on me. As I got in my car and was driving home, with nothing but trees on either side of me and a road in front of me I saw the biggest rainbow I've ever seen. And right above it I saw another one.

From my perspective things are confusing. I have a beautiful husband and job and house and family and kids I adore. But things are scary and frustrating and confusing and and and and....Until I get rid of the clutter and see from God's perspective that he has it all under control. After a 5 minute fierce storm he sent me a rainbow. And when I failed to see the lesson in one, he sent me 2.

From where I stand I'll never understand everything I want to. But I'm not meant to. It's when I'm on my knees in prayer that I have a more clear picture than I ever could have on my own 2 feet.

From where I stand, I know, somewhere there is the big, fat, flashing, neon sign that shouts "I HAVE A PLAN, TRUST ME...."

I'm blessed. More and more everyday!

You can't outrun grace..

So looks like my last update was on my bday. What a great bday it was. I have seriously neglected my blog, not sure how many readers of it are out there but if anyone's left, sorry for the delay. I've been busy, to say the least.

In 11 days I'll become Mrs Jason Neu. YIKES! In a great way of course. Was told by an old, married for 60+ years couple years ago that the secret to a long happy life is marrying the person you can't live without. I've found my Mr Cant Live Without. It's funny all the cliches in life. And it's annoying when you use them but I guess they are around because they are true. He makes me want to be a better person. He does complete a part of me I wasnt sure would ever be completed. Didn't know it wasnt, to be honest, until he filled it.

Life is more chaotic than ever. Planning a wedding (THANKS MOM) working crazy trying to sell as many houses as I can (THANKS GOD) planning for our honeymoon (THANKS UT for having spring skiing)....

I've been doing pretty well keeping my anxiety and freak outs to a minimum. Maybe it'd be best if we didn't confirm that with Jason, take my word for it. But with that being said, I've had some restless nights where I can't turn my brain off. Shocking, I know. So sad though, and funny, and typical, if I'd let go and really just let God do what he has planned, it all works out, according to His plan for my life....I was worried about things that worked out better than I imagined, and all I can do is laugh through my tears. God always wants better for us than we want for ourselves, in His time! If we'd get out of our own way, we'd be able to see that more often than we let ourselves.

What can change in a year? Everything. I don't have to read back over my blog to know I was in such a different place this time last March 1. I was unemployed. I was living with my parents trying to pull myself back together. I was dating the wrong people. Now I have the love of such a special man who amazes me everyday. His 3 special children. A job that I look forward to going to everyday. A job that I'm successful at. A place of my own. Looking for a home of our own. Getting married. Starting new chapters....

You can't outrun grace. And believe me, I tried. I didn't feel deserving. I've been a Christian for over 25 years and only recently have I really understood grace. Or maybe better yet, believed in true grace. Over the past 3 years I've had more highs, lows, peaks and valleys than I ever imagined possible. I don't know the why's of everything I went through. But I know who it's made me. Who I've allowed it to make me into. I'm more compassionate. I'm more forgiving. I'm more trusting and I'm happier than I've ever been.

The moments of missing J are still there. I pray for him everyday. The desire for a family has been answered in a big way. I pray that God will bless our family and prepare us for His best in our lives in HIS timing. Had I found Jason last year I might have looked right through him. Not because I wouldnt have seen the beauty in him but because I wasn't ready to let him see the beauty in me. And I have never felt more beautiful in my life.

I don't know that I'll be able to update before the wedding so I'm signing off as Melissa Nicole Harris Billington...leaving that behind. Starting fresh and so excited to see what God has in store for me and my Mr....

It's my bday!! Yay!

I love my bday. My bday week (month) started off yesterday with a cake, muffins, fruit, juice, balloon, flowers and present from Denise. So thoughtful. Have already been overwhelmed with the outpouring of texts, calls, emails and messages this morning from friends and family making this day extra special. I love my bday!

Jason has something sneaky planned. He's been working on something for a few weeks and I finally get to see what it is tonight. We're going to dinner w our parents then back to my condo for cake and the unveiling of his masterpiece. Him and dad are off tooling around today working on something. They make me laugh. He makes me feel incredibly special.

I'll never forget sitting with mom at the Gator Bowl luncheon last New Years Eve. At the VIP table, listening to Coach Bobby Bowden speak, eating our steak, she leans over to me and says, this is how the new year is starting, can you even imagine what's in store for this next year?

Beyond my wildest dreams is what's been in store for this past year. Amazing job that I've already had more success at than I imagined. A man who is more than I ever expected to find. A beautiful place of my own that I call home. New friends, old friends, new family, my amazing family....my cup is flooding over!

This time last year I was surrounded by my family in KY. Was great being with them but my mind was busy with questions of what my 31st year would bring. A job? A man? Independence? Yes, yes and yes. Now my mind is swirling with hopes and dreams and wishes for my 32nd year. I'll wait to make those wishes as I blow out my candles but I'm pretty sure God has been working out the details long before I dreamed them.

I'm 32. I'm blessed, loved, taken care of and spoiled rotten by the people in my life. I am a very happy girl!

Refreshed and in love...

Had a really great few days with Jason in Savannah. We shopped at some really fun boutiques, ate some ridiculously good food, walked around a lot of shops, rode scooters through the squares...a lot of fun things. My favorite part of the trip was Thurs night after dinner. We sat by the river and talked for hours. About everything and nothing and I really understand now what it means when people say they love someone more today than yesterday. I love him more and more everyday and I have never in my life felt so loved, protected, adored and taken care of as when I'm with him.

Aside from that, he makes me laugh. All the time. From my belly. How refreshing to have found someone that I can be myself with. Who brings out the best side of who I am. Who appreciates my abilities, forgives my flaws and loves me for both.


I haven't forgotten the struggles and pain and heartache that got me here. I don't dwell on it but I think I'd be doing myself a great disservice if I didn't let myself remember what I went through to be where I am now. I love deeper. I love more. I hope bigger.


The past 4 years changed me. Changed how I react to things, how I look at things and how I deal with things. I'm proud of myself for not giving up. I'm thankful for my family who wouldn't allow me to give up. I'm grateful for my friends who stood beside me when all I could offer was very little. I know what having your heart broken feels like. I know what losing a child feels like. I know what divorce feels like. I know what desperation feels like...


And because of the love and Grace of God I now know what being head over heels in love with the right man feels like. I know what success once again feels like. I know that I will one day know what having my own baby feels like. I can't wait to experience that will the man I love.

My life isn't normal. I'll always have crazy things happen to me. But I wouldn't trade what I've gone through for anything. I got to love a special little boy for 4 years. I got to learn how to love in a different way. I found out I'm stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. It used to really rub me the wrong way when people would say that I finally let go of my past so I was able to move on. Not accurate. I was finally healed enough to open my heart to love, life and new experiences.

I'm blessed, in love and happy as I've ever been!

Life

Doesn't always make sense. The girl I mentioned in my last post passed away. The funeral for her and her babies is today at 1pm. She was only 28. Please remember her family. Her husband. Her 3 kids she raised because their birth mother passed away. They've experienced the loss of 2 mothers in a very short time. I can't imagine the pain they are going through.

I dont know her. I don't know her family. But her story touched me and I know that when I faced my darkest moments, the prayers of those I knew and those I didn't is what got me through. Please keep the Evans and Bond families in your prayers.

I realized last night how scared of failing I've been. I'm blessed and so excited for the direction my life has taken but I've sold myself short. In my job, with friends, with family, with Jason. With what I have to offer and what I can do. I think I was so scared of falling short again that I havent been living to the full potential of this me I've become. I'm working on that.

I miss J still, all the time. Especially with Halloween around the corner. And my bday and the holidays. He was a very special little boy and I wonder all the time what kind of boy he's growing into to. I'll continue to pray for him and trust that he's taken care of and loved.

So many exciting things happening. Going to Savannah for a few days with Jason tomorrow. Havent been on a vacation in way too long. This mini vaca is coming at a really good time. I'm ready to get out of town with my man.

I pray you all realize how precious life is, how blessed we all are to have the time we do with those we love. I know I'm looking at my life differently and thanking God everyday for those who are part of it.

I'm blessed and ready to see where this road continues to take me!

Prayers requested...

Please continue to pray for my dad. He is really uncomfortable in his brace and not sleeping well at all. He's going stir crazy and feels like he's going to lose his mind sometimes not being able to move his arm from the position it's in. His surgery was almost 2 weeks ago so he's got at least 4 more weeks in that brace. Thank you.

Also I'm asking for prayers for a young gal I don't know personally but who is heavy on my heart. http://lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com/ is her website. She married a man whose first wife passed away and she was raising his 3 kids as her own. She was pregnant with twins and went into early labor last week and lost both babies. As she was delivering her placenta she had a blood clot go to her lungs and she had a heart attack. It was 17 minutes before they could revive her and she's been in a coma for over a week now, her kidney's have shut down, she's on a ventilator and she's got no brain activity. Her brother lost his wife in June after a very short battle with brain cancer. This family has been through one ugly trial after another. Please lift them up in your prayers and pray for Leslie, her parents, her husband, their kids, her brother, the dr's, her family and friends. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering they are facing and I know that they need the peace that only God can provide.

Thank you for your prayers, I know that God will hear each one and give comfort only He can give.

I'm blessed, everyday I'm reminded just how much...

My cup runneth over...

The past few months have been ridiculously good. And crazy. And overwhelming. Sometimes all I can do is laugh at how different my life is, how much has changed, and how many blessings continue to fall my way.



I'm in love. With so many things...



An amazing guy, Jason, who is handsome and funny and charming and witty. He's a great father, he's a caring son, friend, boyfriend. He loves my family, I love his. He fits right into my life and my heart. I feel so blessed to have him in my life.



My job is going great. Sold 4 houses over the past few months and having closing and getting commission checks (!!!!!!!) once again and I feel like my old self, only a better, more me version of who I used to be. The people I work for, with, the people I sell houses to, I love it.



Jason's kids are so much fun. And sweet. And funny. And going to tball practices and watching them dance and play and taking them to school, I've missed having kids in my life. At times the loss of J knocks me down but I take a step back, cry when I need to, pray for him and move on. That's what got me to where I am, I learned to keep moving on...



Friends are pregnant. Falling in love. Getting married. Going through divorce. Losing jobs. Losing themselves. Ebbs and flows of life. Up one minute, crashing the next. Laughing at a story, crying over a heartache. Its what bonds us together I guess and shows you who is meant to be in your life. The ones who allow you to laugh when you can, cry when you need to and celebrate the victories. And who allow you to reciprocate with them. And I am. Celebrating the good news of my friends, hurting for the ones facing things I wish they didn't have to face. Its hard growing up. It's easier when you have great people growing up with you.



My Dad is 60. Emotional!! I remember when my grandfather's turned 60. Doesn't seem like my Dad should be old enough to be that old. I'm reminded constantly and continually how lucky I am to be blessed with the parents I have. Jason has given my parents the gift of laughter. He makes them belly laugh. And that makes me happy.



I'm going to be 32 in 33 days. Yikes. How is it possible that I'm old enough to be that old? I don't look at day over 31. I've embarked on a new fitness/healthy lifestyle regime. To be a better me. To prepare for all the things that come with falling in love and finding the person you want to make your forever with. Marriage, kids, life.



When much is given, much is expected. I'm trying to remember everyday what brought me to where I am. Not in a looking to the past to hold me back way but in a look how far I've come way. The next few months are going to be busy, exciting and chaotic. And I'm loving every minute of it.



I'm blessed. More than I deserve!