I have a lot to say. This is always scary. Threats of people deleting and unfriending me because of my beliefs. Ok, I'll take the chance.
1. This whole Chick Fil A thing is crazy to me. A Christian company that is closed on Sunday, plays Christian music in their restaurants is getting blasted for not supporting gay people. Where is the confusion coming from? The bible is clear. With that being said, I was taught that you love the sinner and hate the sin. Today that sin seems to be shining brightly at gay people. Which is sad and ridiculous. There isn't a day that brings to light the hatred against cheaters. Or liars. Or people who judge. But I don't think the "Support Chick Fil A Day" was to show hatred towards gay people but for people to show their support for Christian values. See you at the Pole anyone? I can promise that wasn't to bring attention to flag poles. I support Chick Fil A. I also tithe my money to churches as well as Christian radio stations. That money isn't given to go towards anti anything movements or groups but to further the kingdom of My God. The one who has provided all I have and need thru my trust and belief in Him. Period.
2. Speaking of cheaters. I am annoyed. If you have ever been on the receiving end of cheating (I have) you know it sucks. It's not just that someone you are involved with, or in love with, in like with, or even someone maybe you are committed to even though you may no longer like or love has made the decision to go outside your relationship to find someone else, it's that you didn't matter enough to warrant a conversation. "Hey, things aren't going great. I'm not happy.." Or "Hey, I may not love you anymore, I may find you repulsive or scary or crazy but I respect you enough to let you know that before I go behind your back to find someone else I'm going to end it with you" Seriously. What is it with cheaters? Are they so bored with life they need the thrill and excitement of cheating? Get a hobby! It doesn't bode well with me when I know that you are cheating and then post things on FB about how special your husband is or tweet about your beautiful wife or whatever. Here's an idea. If you are unhappy, ok. Do something about it. But before you bring other people into it (husband, wife, kids...) be adult enough to end one thing before jumping into bed with another. Jeez. Shouldn't be that hard. You don't look cool, you aren't sexy or smooth or charming. You are a walking billboard for disease, despair and disgust. Show me cheaters who have their life together and are happy outside of what they post all over FB and I'll happily listen.
3. Today I ordered the rest of my medicine. It's always nice when you have to call your bank to get a daily limit increase for a medicine order. Fun times. I am on day 3 of my shots and don't seem to have too many bad side effects. I'm sleeping well, I'm happy and I'm healthy. I am more emotional, kinda weepy. I catch myself crying seeing old people, puppies and babies. And the unexpected blessings God is giving me. Our chaplain came in today to pop in and I always miss him as he usually comes in on my day off. He asks if there's anything he can pray for me about and I said yes, my husband and I are hoping to have exciting news soon. He asks if I was pregnant and I told him I had just started the meds for IVF. He sits down and shares a little of his story with me. He and his wife went through IVF and she had a tubal pregnancy that ended really badly. They decided to adopt and after they got their daughter in Nov, she found out she was pregnant in Feb. Then went on to have another daughter. So their baby story was failed IVF tries, miscarriage and heartache turned into miracles and blessings and favor. The love he has for his 3 daughters has him beaming. He didn't have to come in today. He didn't have to share that with me. But he did. Because God knew I needed it. He asked if his wife could pray for me. What an honor. Then I get a text from a dear friend letting me know God placed me on her heart this morning and she is praying for me. People are taking time out of their day to pray for Jason and I. So overwhelmed with goodness and favor.
I am blessed. In so many ways. God is shining His light on me and in the midst of some crazy (always) and some frustrations (always) my blessings are very much overshadowing the bad.
Today I'm holding onto Isaiah 66:9 "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord."
He said it, I believe it, that's good enough for me.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Babies in a bowl
The other night I was talking to Nana explaining to her that my meds schedule was probably going to change as the pharmacy didn't have one of the meds I needed. So instead of starting my meds in 2 weeks, I start them tonight. (You've been warned.) I was talking to her and the girls were in the car with me so I know they heard a one sided conversation about meds and shots and blah blah. Got home and Jason and I decided to have a family talk and explain to them what the next month would kind of look like. A asks me all the time when I'm going to be pregnant and I keep telling her we're praying about it and hopefully soon but as we are jumping in now we decided it best to tell them.
Conversation goes a little like this.
Jason: "We are trying to have a baby and we're getting closer but have to do it a little different than normal. (I'm not sure they know the normal way and this was so completely not a conversation I ever expected to have with children, I let him take the reigns. I'm nice like that.) Missy is going to start taking some meds that are going to make her a little more crazy than normal. She may cry and be quiet or may yell a little and she will probably be hot and kind of moody and may cry a lot. I will be giving her a lot of shots in her belly and then she will have surgery and they are going to take her eggs out. Just like Chickens have eggs so do woman. (I'm dying at this point.) And then they are going to suck out the eggs and then put them in a bowl (He skipped right over his part of this whole thing) and once the eggs become babies then they will put them into Missys belly."
A looks at Jason, K and I and says "You're going to have a baby, in a bowl? (Total Sweet Home Alabama moment, You have a baby, in a bar?!) Daddy no way." Then she looks at K and she ever so slightly nods her head in affirmation as Jason had already kind of explained it to her, that yes, we were going to grow babies in a bowl. Bowl, petri dish, tube...whatev! Then she wanted to know since Jason had to give me shots in my stomach if he only lifts my shirt enough to see where to do the shot. K says, "A, they are married. He helps her in the shower and stuff." Hilarious.
So the kids know that I'm going to be taking meds that Jason gives me in the stomach, that in a few weeks they will suck eggs out of me and then grow a baby or 2 in a bowl to then be placed in my belly.
This is one heck of a baby story we've started.
I'm nervous to start all this medicine and hormones. I will do whatever it takes and will pray that the side effects that happen to so many will be mild for me and that in a few short months I'll have a baby in my belly after being grown in a bowl.
Love that we can all have a sense of humor about this strange journey we are on. Blessed because my husband makes me laugh and I know that will carry us through.
Um, but seriously, hug him when you see him. It's about to get all kinds of hormonal up in the Neu house!!
Bwahaha!
xo
Conversation goes a little like this.
Jason: "We are trying to have a baby and we're getting closer but have to do it a little different than normal. (I'm not sure they know the normal way and this was so completely not a conversation I ever expected to have with children, I let him take the reigns. I'm nice like that.) Missy is going to start taking some meds that are going to make her a little more crazy than normal. She may cry and be quiet or may yell a little and she will probably be hot and kind of moody and may cry a lot. I will be giving her a lot of shots in her belly and then she will have surgery and they are going to take her eggs out. Just like Chickens have eggs so do woman. (I'm dying at this point.) And then they are going to suck out the eggs and then put them in a bowl (He skipped right over his part of this whole thing) and once the eggs become babies then they will put them into Missys belly."
A looks at Jason, K and I and says "You're going to have a baby, in a bowl? (Total Sweet Home Alabama moment, You have a baby, in a bar?!) Daddy no way." Then she looks at K and she ever so slightly nods her head in affirmation as Jason had already kind of explained it to her, that yes, we were going to grow babies in a bowl. Bowl, petri dish, tube...whatev! Then she wanted to know since Jason had to give me shots in my stomach if he only lifts my shirt enough to see where to do the shot. K says, "A, they are married. He helps her in the shower and stuff." Hilarious.
So the kids know that I'm going to be taking meds that Jason gives me in the stomach, that in a few weeks they will suck eggs out of me and then grow a baby or 2 in a bowl to then be placed in my belly.
This is one heck of a baby story we've started.
I'm nervous to start all this medicine and hormones. I will do whatever it takes and will pray that the side effects that happen to so many will be mild for me and that in a few short months I'll have a baby in my belly after being grown in a bowl.
Love that we can all have a sense of humor about this strange journey we are on. Blessed because my husband makes me laugh and I know that will carry us through.
Um, but seriously, hug him when you see him. It's about to get all kinds of hormonal up in the Neu house!!
Bwahaha!
xo
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Not pregnant
I mean, big shocker, right? I start IVF in a few weeks, why would I think I was pregnant?
1. I'm cranky and emotional
2. I'm bloated and cranky
3. I'm tired and bloated
4. I had a dream I was pregnant and woke up bloated and convinced I was pregnant
5. I'm emotional
So I did what every normal person does when they wake up from a dream where they are pregnant and took a test thinking this was my miraculous baby story.
Negative.
We have learned that I'm not pregnant, I'm just crazy, emotional and bloated. I'm beginning to think it's just become who I am. This bloated, cranky, emotional mess. Jason is a lucky, lucky man!
This morning I got my updated IVF schedule and the nurse has called in my cache of meds. Nothing like spending $5000 on shots that are going to make you more crazy.
I had acupuncture last week. The acupuncturist has PCOS and understood all of what I am going through outside of IVF. And she has a very strong knowledge of that as she does a lot of Dr B's patients. She made me feel better, emotionally and physically. She taught me some meditative breathing that helped me relax as she stuck pins all through me. Jason is freaked out and can't understand why I'd subject myself to this but I believe in Chinese medicine as much as Western Meds. And the needles don't bother me. The ones in a few weeks will be more scary as I'm told the meds can be pretty painful. (The progesterone is mixed with oil so it's super thick!! And the needle is like 18" long. Yikes!)
I was laying on the acupuncture table in a cold, dark room, with a heat lamp on to warm me, needles in my feet, legs, hands, stomach and ears, music playing, thunderstorm happening outside and I did the meditative breathing she taught me and I prayed. I relaxed, I breathed (?) I prayed and I cried. So many emotions. Will I be able to handle what the next month is throwing at me? What if I get pregnant? I know that's a weird question but this is something I've wanted so badly for so long, what will I do when I get pregnant? Thinking of being pregnant makes me anxious. Why? I don't know, possibly because I'm crazy! What if I don't get pregnant? I'm not allowed to even think that because you have to only think positive thoughts and not stress. How will I deal with and handle the emotional rollercoaster Jason and I are about to strap ourselves into?
This morning, laying in bed after I got my negative pregnancy result, I was thinking about all kinds of things. The biggest question that kept coming into my head was what if I'm not meant to have babies? Would I be ok with that? Right now the answer is no, I wouldn't be. That's something I'm praying about. It's very hard in a situation like this to pray for God's will when you so desperately want God's will to align with your dreams. I don't think that will be my fate. God continues to nurture the dream and hope of me having mine and Jason's babies. Of me being pregnant, of him holding my hand through the pregnancy and births. Of us bringing our kids home. Of us raising our babies, together. Tears!!
What is God's will for us? We will find out. I know that regardless of emotions, bloating, crabbiness and negative tests, God is preparing my heart for something. I feel it. He's preparing me. I know it. He's preparing me. I'm blessed because of it.
God is preparing me for our baby. I believe it...
1. I'm cranky and emotional
2. I'm bloated and cranky
3. I'm tired and bloated
4. I had a dream I was pregnant and woke up bloated and convinced I was pregnant
5. I'm emotional
So I did what every normal person does when they wake up from a dream where they are pregnant and took a test thinking this was my miraculous baby story.
Negative.
We have learned that I'm not pregnant, I'm just crazy, emotional and bloated. I'm beginning to think it's just become who I am. This bloated, cranky, emotional mess. Jason is a lucky, lucky man!
This morning I got my updated IVF schedule and the nurse has called in my cache of meds. Nothing like spending $5000 on shots that are going to make you more crazy.
I had acupuncture last week. The acupuncturist has PCOS and understood all of what I am going through outside of IVF. And she has a very strong knowledge of that as she does a lot of Dr B's patients. She made me feel better, emotionally and physically. She taught me some meditative breathing that helped me relax as she stuck pins all through me. Jason is freaked out and can't understand why I'd subject myself to this but I believe in Chinese medicine as much as Western Meds. And the needles don't bother me. The ones in a few weeks will be more scary as I'm told the meds can be pretty painful. (The progesterone is mixed with oil so it's super thick!! And the needle is like 18" long. Yikes!)
I was laying on the acupuncture table in a cold, dark room, with a heat lamp on to warm me, needles in my feet, legs, hands, stomach and ears, music playing, thunderstorm happening outside and I did the meditative breathing she taught me and I prayed. I relaxed, I breathed (?) I prayed and I cried. So many emotions. Will I be able to handle what the next month is throwing at me? What if I get pregnant? I know that's a weird question but this is something I've wanted so badly for so long, what will I do when I get pregnant? Thinking of being pregnant makes me anxious. Why? I don't know, possibly because I'm crazy! What if I don't get pregnant? I'm not allowed to even think that because you have to only think positive thoughts and not stress. How will I deal with and handle the emotional rollercoaster Jason and I are about to strap ourselves into?
This morning, laying in bed after I got my negative pregnancy result, I was thinking about all kinds of things. The biggest question that kept coming into my head was what if I'm not meant to have babies? Would I be ok with that? Right now the answer is no, I wouldn't be. That's something I'm praying about. It's very hard in a situation like this to pray for God's will when you so desperately want God's will to align with your dreams. I don't think that will be my fate. God continues to nurture the dream and hope of me having mine and Jason's babies. Of me being pregnant, of him holding my hand through the pregnancy and births. Of us bringing our kids home. Of us raising our babies, together. Tears!!
What is God's will for us? We will find out. I know that regardless of emotions, bloating, crabbiness and negative tests, God is preparing my heart for something. I feel it. He's preparing me. I know it. He's preparing me. I'm blessed because of it.
God is preparing me for our baby. I believe it...
Monday, July 16, 2012
It's IVF time in the Neu Casa
It's here. It's time. IVF. Hormones. Triplets. Shots. Appointments. Scans. Bloodwork.
Here we go...
The next few weeks should be mostly tame as far as hormones and schedules go. I'm on the pill for 3 weeks. This whole fertility treatment thing boggles my mind. I'm taking birth control pills the month before I try to get pregnant. When I was trying IUI a few months back I was taking meds that are used for breast cancer treatment. I'm taking a shot everyday, twice a day, that I've been taking for a year now that is used for diabetes that helps me ovulate. And people wonder why I'm crazy? It's a puzzler!
For those who want the reader's digest version of what the next 6 weeks will entail, here it is. For those of you who don't, you're dismissed.
Now- Birth Control so that they can control my cycle and with my PCOS and my susceptibility to getting ovarian cysts, the pill helps keep those at bay.
3 weeks- Baseline scan to make sure I have no cysts
week 4- baseline ultrasound, if all clear then I start the 10,000 shots a day that will turn me into a raging ball of crazy. Those meds kind of turn off my reproductive system, then they give me a bunch of shots (actually Jason will be giving me all these shots) that restarts my reproductive system and then they manipulate it to grow follicles (eggs) really quickly and controlled. I will go for appointments 4 times that week for scans and bloodwork.
week 5- If all goes as planned then they will surgically retrieve the eggs that have grown and matured with the meds (did I mention I will be bloated and angry and emotional during this? No? I will be) Jason will have some surgery done and a day or so after that I will have embryos transferred.
Then we wait.
I've struggled with whether to post about this. Me show restraint? HA! On one hand I let things out through this blog, people pray for us, support us and encourage us and it's a beautiful thing. On the other hand we run the risk of, "Are you pregnant yet?"-"Did it take?"- "They are transferring how many embryos? Are you going to be Octomom?" It's a risk I'm willing to take. The encouragement is nice and the prayers are needed and most greatly appreciated.
SO- we have a whacked out story on this baby making process, but, we have a story none the less that will at some point end with a baby or more that Jason and I have dreamed of, prayed for and loved into existence.
Thanks for standing in prayer with us as we start on this journey. Blessed because we have God, each other, family and friends cheering us on.
Oh and if you see Jason over the next 6 weeks, give him a hug. I'm sure he's going to need it dealing with me!
Here we go...
The next few weeks should be mostly tame as far as hormones and schedules go. I'm on the pill for 3 weeks. This whole fertility treatment thing boggles my mind. I'm taking birth control pills the month before I try to get pregnant. When I was trying IUI a few months back I was taking meds that are used for breast cancer treatment. I'm taking a shot everyday, twice a day, that I've been taking for a year now that is used for diabetes that helps me ovulate. And people wonder why I'm crazy? It's a puzzler!
For those who want the reader's digest version of what the next 6 weeks will entail, here it is. For those of you who don't, you're dismissed.
Now- Birth Control so that they can control my cycle and with my PCOS and my susceptibility to getting ovarian cysts, the pill helps keep those at bay.
3 weeks- Baseline scan to make sure I have no cysts
week 4- baseline ultrasound, if all clear then I start the 10,000 shots a day that will turn me into a raging ball of crazy. Those meds kind of turn off my reproductive system, then they give me a bunch of shots (actually Jason will be giving me all these shots) that restarts my reproductive system and then they manipulate it to grow follicles (eggs) really quickly and controlled. I will go for appointments 4 times that week for scans and bloodwork.
week 5- If all goes as planned then they will surgically retrieve the eggs that have grown and matured with the meds (did I mention I will be bloated and angry and emotional during this? No? I will be) Jason will have some surgery done and a day or so after that I will have embryos transferred.
Then we wait.
I've struggled with whether to post about this. Me show restraint? HA! On one hand I let things out through this blog, people pray for us, support us and encourage us and it's a beautiful thing. On the other hand we run the risk of, "Are you pregnant yet?"-"Did it take?"- "They are transferring how many embryos? Are you going to be Octomom?" It's a risk I'm willing to take. The encouragement is nice and the prayers are needed and most greatly appreciated.
SO- we have a whacked out story on this baby making process, but, we have a story none the less that will at some point end with a baby or more that Jason and I have dreamed of, prayed for and loved into existence.
Thanks for standing in prayer with us as we start on this journey. Blessed because we have God, each other, family and friends cheering us on.
Oh and if you see Jason over the next 6 weeks, give him a hug. I'm sure he's going to need it dealing with me!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Trucker hats, beach, and crabs
It always amuses me seeing the blogs that get the most views. And the ones that get the most re-views. Hopefully the message gets through of what my heart is trying to speak. Or scream. Whatev. If I can't do it face to face maybe this blog will suffice. One can hope.
Jason and I met 5 years ago. Ha, inside joke. Only 2. Feels like 12. How funny time is. To know someone so well, to know their smirks, their smiles and their facial expressions, their heart, their soul, their hopes, dreams, fears, and disappointments. 2 years doesn't seem like nearly long enough to have known my best friend and all that makes him who he is. And makes us who we are.
He sees in me something I don't always see in myself. He really does make me strive to be better, if only because I feel like he deserves to have the best. Our life isn't perfect. We have bad days. We have days where he gets the silent treatment for the majority of the time we're together but he's come to understand that sometimes I go inside myself to figure things out. And then I come out better. We have days where we talk about our dreams and share our fears. We have days where we lay in bed and laugh until we cry. There really is no better feeling of comfort in this world then to have a person you love and trust more than anything be your shoulder to cry on, be your voice of reason and be the person to hold your hand and hug you when that is the only thing that will make it all better. God knew that I needed him. And only exactly he would do.
We went on vacation last week and instead of going away and running ourselves ragged, we stayed close to home and went camping. We were spittin distance to the beach and pool, we were next door to our friends and their kids, we were close enough but far enough away from home to just relax.
Sitting on the beach was therapeutic. I was out of sorts because I have so much going on in my head. There were questions I had to pray about and seek the answers for regarding a lot of things. Stepparenting, IVF, work, marriage, family. I sat on the beach one day for about 4 hours, by myself, while Jason had the kids at the pool and I just prayed, and cried, and quieted the voices in my head and listened. And I walked back to the camper feeling more ready than I have been since we started this baby journey. Thankful that I serve a God who gives us answers when we go to Him in prayer.
We went looking for crabs a few nights. 2nd night we hit the motherload. I picked up a crab because the 2 men wouldnt, the 5 kids were screaming and then I realized it was me screaming when a crab was hanging off my finger. Then the 2 men were laughing and the kids were still screaming. I'm never one to back down from a challenge so I went in for the bigger crab and that sucker pinched the crap out of me again. This time hanging on my thumbnail on either side. The kids were freaking out, I was laughing and screaming. Our friend finally whacked it off my nail and the poor thing lost a chomper claw in the process. Then died I think. It was a hard fought battle. Jason thought I was completely stupid for getting bit twice but was impressed at my crab whispering skills!
Back to the real world a better me. A week away did wonders for my tan and my soul. I needed time with my husband, with our family, with our friends, to just be us. Not the dolled up, stressed out version I've been lately, the trucker cap, flip flop, bathing suit wearing, down to earth me that I have missed.
I have a trucker hat with "princess" across the front I'm going to start wearing as soon as I get home everyday 1. To remind myself that I need to chill out and relax and pray more than I worry. and 2. To remind Jason that he is, in fact, married to a princess and needs to act accordingly.
Blessed because God answered the prayers of my heart, calmed the fears of my mind and has prepared me for what the next month will bring. Bring it on IVF, time to get this baby story started!!
Jason and I met 5 years ago. Ha, inside joke. Only 2. Feels like 12. How funny time is. To know someone so well, to know their smirks, their smiles and their facial expressions, their heart, their soul, their hopes, dreams, fears, and disappointments. 2 years doesn't seem like nearly long enough to have known my best friend and all that makes him who he is. And makes us who we are.
He sees in me something I don't always see in myself. He really does make me strive to be better, if only because I feel like he deserves to have the best. Our life isn't perfect. We have bad days. We have days where he gets the silent treatment for the majority of the time we're together but he's come to understand that sometimes I go inside myself to figure things out. And then I come out better. We have days where we talk about our dreams and share our fears. We have days where we lay in bed and laugh until we cry. There really is no better feeling of comfort in this world then to have a person you love and trust more than anything be your shoulder to cry on, be your voice of reason and be the person to hold your hand and hug you when that is the only thing that will make it all better. God knew that I needed him. And only exactly he would do.
We went on vacation last week and instead of going away and running ourselves ragged, we stayed close to home and went camping. We were spittin distance to the beach and pool, we were next door to our friends and their kids, we were close enough but far enough away from home to just relax.
Sitting on the beach was therapeutic. I was out of sorts because I have so much going on in my head. There were questions I had to pray about and seek the answers for regarding a lot of things. Stepparenting, IVF, work, marriage, family. I sat on the beach one day for about 4 hours, by myself, while Jason had the kids at the pool and I just prayed, and cried, and quieted the voices in my head and listened. And I walked back to the camper feeling more ready than I have been since we started this baby journey. Thankful that I serve a God who gives us answers when we go to Him in prayer.
We went looking for crabs a few nights. 2nd night we hit the motherload. I picked up a crab because the 2 men wouldnt, the 5 kids were screaming and then I realized it was me screaming when a crab was hanging off my finger. Then the 2 men were laughing and the kids were still screaming. I'm never one to back down from a challenge so I went in for the bigger crab and that sucker pinched the crap out of me again. This time hanging on my thumbnail on either side. The kids were freaking out, I was laughing and screaming. Our friend finally whacked it off my nail and the poor thing lost a chomper claw in the process. Then died I think. It was a hard fought battle. Jason thought I was completely stupid for getting bit twice but was impressed at my crab whispering skills!
Back to the real world a better me. A week away did wonders for my tan and my soul. I needed time with my husband, with our family, with our friends, to just be us. Not the dolled up, stressed out version I've been lately, the trucker cap, flip flop, bathing suit wearing, down to earth me that I have missed.
I have a trucker hat with "princess" across the front I'm going to start wearing as soon as I get home everyday 1. To remind myself that I need to chill out and relax and pray more than I worry. and 2. To remind Jason that he is, in fact, married to a princess and needs to act accordingly.
Blessed because God answered the prayers of my heart, calmed the fears of my mind and has prepared me for what the next month will bring. Bring it on IVF, time to get this baby story started!!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I'm Melissa and I am infertile
5000+ page views. Yowza!
What an emotional few days. I have cried more tears this week than I have in a long time. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs. It's run the gamut this week of pretty much anything and everything that life has to offer, good, bad and ugly, being thrown at us. We handled it like champs. Haha, right.
Today I took a day to myself. Massage, beach, shopping. It was healing. I prayed a lot. I thought a lot of everything. Then I nearly died. No joke. I went to the beach and it was freakin hot. I went to cool off in the ocean and was nearly swept to sea. Not exaggerating. Debbie's affects are still being felt here. The first wave knocked me down (in water up to my shins) then the undertow pulled me down. That happend like 5 times. I couldn't stand up to save my life. Literally. When I finally did stand up my bathing suit bottoms were down, my bathing suit top was up, I looked like I got into a cat fight with 100 caged animals from all the seashells on the ocean floor. So I look up and since I was only 5' out into the water everyone had a front row to the disaster that was just me, I did what any trainwreck would do. I curtsied.
A friend invited me to a fertility group tonight. I so appreciate that she thought of me. I've been praying for someone who knows what I'm going through. I got about 20 someone's who know exactly what I'm going through all in one room, together, sharing through stories, tears and prayer.
One lady said tonight that she read that God shows you things through tear filled eyes that you can't always see through clear vision. If that is true, I should have 20/20 vision right now. As much as I wanted to find a group like I went to tonight, it was an internal battle to go. Admitting is the first step, right? Going to a group of woman who had such personal stories of such huge proportions was humbling. I'm glad I didn't flee like I wanted to when I was sitting in my car for 20 minutes trying to will myself to go inside.
Today I went and got a 2 hour massage. I've been getting regular massages for 12 years. I like deep tissue massages to get the kinks out. I always feel like I got hit by a mack truck when I leave, I have some serious kinks. I thought the mark of a good massage releasing the toxins had to be painful. I was wrong. I've had hundreds of massages over the years that hurt me and offered a little relief. Today my masseur gave me a 2 hour massage that hit all the right spots, never once hurt, was relaxing at the same time as healing and I left feeling better than I have ever felt after a deep tissue massage.
There's a lesson there.
Sometimes things that help us have to hurt. Sometimes the things we want most, need most, bring pain through the process. I learned today that's not always the case. I learned tonight a bigger lesson.
Jason and I have been through it lately. We have been through ups and downs of so much. This is where the healing begins. Everything that makes us feel better, everything we want to have so desperately sometimes hurts. But it doesn't have to. I am supposed to start IVF in August and being completely honest, I've been terrified. I'm scared of what the hormones are going to do to me. Physicall, emotionally. I'm scared that we are going to pay all this money and won't get the baby we want so wholly. I'm scared that I'm going to lose myself in trying to create this baby.
God doesn't want to hurt me through this process. Satan wants to hurt me through this process. As evidenced by the grenades he's been tossing us. One lady tonight said when thoughts come into our minds, we need to figure out first who they are from. They are either from God or from Satan.
I don't deserve a baby. Satan.
This is too much money to spend when it could fail. Satan
Why keep trying when all it brings it hurt and pain? Satan
Melissa is a liar. Satan
Melissa doesn't deserve the life she has been given. Satan
For I know the plans I have for you..God
You will mount up with wings as eagles...God
You will never be alone...God
I think because things have been so hard lately I've just come to expect heartache. That's 100% Satan.
I have a husband who is so completely supportive of me. He is my defender. He won't let one person utter 1 untruth about me. He protects me from hurt. He takes on pain to ease it from me. I can say, sure as I'm sitting here, if he could switch places with me and go through the shots and emotions and fear that I'm facing, he would in a second. God blessed me with the most amazing gift I've ever been given. Thomas Jason Neu. Warmly known as, Swift. I so love that man. Fertilty, life struggles, people trying to tear us apart. It's all real. What's more real is what we have and things that Satan uses to drive a wedge God has used over and over and over to use as a bridge to bring us closer than I ever really thought possible.
I don't know what our baby story will be. I don't know how the next several months will play out. But I know that as big as this feels, as overwhelming as it is, as everything is right now, it doesn't have to hurt. I'm getting an internal deep tissue massage. The toxins are being worked out in a very real way. God is preparing us for more. So much bigger are God's plan for me and Jason than I can even begin to understand.
I'm blessed because when I most need it, whatever "it" is, God gives it to me in a really big way! As evidenced by my suntan, my unsore worked out muscles and a heart that knows that whatever I need, God will be the one to provide. Always!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cat scratches to tend to..xo
What an emotional few days. I have cried more tears this week than I have in a long time. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs. It's run the gamut this week of pretty much anything and everything that life has to offer, good, bad and ugly, being thrown at us. We handled it like champs. Haha, right.
Today I took a day to myself. Massage, beach, shopping. It was healing. I prayed a lot. I thought a lot of everything. Then I nearly died. No joke. I went to the beach and it was freakin hot. I went to cool off in the ocean and was nearly swept to sea. Not exaggerating. Debbie's affects are still being felt here. The first wave knocked me down (in water up to my shins) then the undertow pulled me down. That happend like 5 times. I couldn't stand up to save my life. Literally. When I finally did stand up my bathing suit bottoms were down, my bathing suit top was up, I looked like I got into a cat fight with 100 caged animals from all the seashells on the ocean floor. So I look up and since I was only 5' out into the water everyone had a front row to the disaster that was just me, I did what any trainwreck would do. I curtsied.
A friend invited me to a fertility group tonight. I so appreciate that she thought of me. I've been praying for someone who knows what I'm going through. I got about 20 someone's who know exactly what I'm going through all in one room, together, sharing through stories, tears and prayer.
One lady said tonight that she read that God shows you things through tear filled eyes that you can't always see through clear vision. If that is true, I should have 20/20 vision right now. As much as I wanted to find a group like I went to tonight, it was an internal battle to go. Admitting is the first step, right? Going to a group of woman who had such personal stories of such huge proportions was humbling. I'm glad I didn't flee like I wanted to when I was sitting in my car for 20 minutes trying to will myself to go inside.
Today I went and got a 2 hour massage. I've been getting regular massages for 12 years. I like deep tissue massages to get the kinks out. I always feel like I got hit by a mack truck when I leave, I have some serious kinks. I thought the mark of a good massage releasing the toxins had to be painful. I was wrong. I've had hundreds of massages over the years that hurt me and offered a little relief. Today my masseur gave me a 2 hour massage that hit all the right spots, never once hurt, was relaxing at the same time as healing and I left feeling better than I have ever felt after a deep tissue massage.
There's a lesson there.
Sometimes things that help us have to hurt. Sometimes the things we want most, need most, bring pain through the process. I learned today that's not always the case. I learned tonight a bigger lesson.
Jason and I have been through it lately. We have been through ups and downs of so much. This is where the healing begins. Everything that makes us feel better, everything we want to have so desperately sometimes hurts. But it doesn't have to. I am supposed to start IVF in August and being completely honest, I've been terrified. I'm scared of what the hormones are going to do to me. Physicall, emotionally. I'm scared that we are going to pay all this money and won't get the baby we want so wholly. I'm scared that I'm going to lose myself in trying to create this baby.
God doesn't want to hurt me through this process. Satan wants to hurt me through this process. As evidenced by the grenades he's been tossing us. One lady tonight said when thoughts come into our minds, we need to figure out first who they are from. They are either from God or from Satan.
I don't deserve a baby. Satan.
This is too much money to spend when it could fail. Satan
Why keep trying when all it brings it hurt and pain? Satan
Melissa is a liar. Satan
Melissa doesn't deserve the life she has been given. Satan
For I know the plans I have for you..God
You will mount up with wings as eagles...God
You will never be alone...God
I think because things have been so hard lately I've just come to expect heartache. That's 100% Satan.
I have a husband who is so completely supportive of me. He is my defender. He won't let one person utter 1 untruth about me. He protects me from hurt. He takes on pain to ease it from me. I can say, sure as I'm sitting here, if he could switch places with me and go through the shots and emotions and fear that I'm facing, he would in a second. God blessed me with the most amazing gift I've ever been given. Thomas Jason Neu. Warmly known as, Swift. I so love that man. Fertilty, life struggles, people trying to tear us apart. It's all real. What's more real is what we have and things that Satan uses to drive a wedge God has used over and over and over to use as a bridge to bring us closer than I ever really thought possible.
I don't know what our baby story will be. I don't know how the next several months will play out. But I know that as big as this feels, as overwhelming as it is, as everything is right now, it doesn't have to hurt. I'm getting an internal deep tissue massage. The toxins are being worked out in a very real way. God is preparing us for more. So much bigger are God's plan for me and Jason than I can even begin to understand.
I'm blessed because when I most need it, whatever "it" is, God gives it to me in a really big way! As evidenced by my suntan, my unsore worked out muscles and a heart that knows that whatever I need, God will be the one to provide. Always!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cat scratches to tend to..xo
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Karma
I don't believe in Karma. I believe in something much bigger. Much more powerful than karma. Karma is for sissies. Karma is for people who believe they can live life however they want and blame the bad things that happen to people on karma. Not me.
Life has been hard lately. One person is making our life as hard as it she can. Karma isn't going to get her. I don't believe that. I believe that something much bigger will intervene. I believe that when you spend your time and energy on bad, bad will happen. I believe that when you focus on good, good will happen. Will bad things happen? Sure they will. Because life happens.
God is working in my life. Yesterday I was discouraged because work has been hard. It's not because of karma that I haven't gotten sales. In the real world things happen that don't always go the way we want because things outside of our control are always at play. Satan is ALWAYS looking for an in. Satan is ALWAYS looking for someone he can use to do his evil work. His people are working overtime in our lives right now. So be it.
On the way to work yesterday I prayed that I would be encouraged. I needed it. Got to work and was met with a beautiful email sent to the owner of my company and my boss telling them about a homeowner's experience with me. It made me cry. As I was drying my tears, another homeowner dropped off a letter they asked me to send to the owner of my company and my boss. Telling them about the great experience I had given them buying their home. Encouraged!! Not through sales, through kindness. The sale came today. In the form of a family looking for a home that walked out of my office 3 hours later with a home they will call their own. That wasn't karma coming my way. That was God coming my way.
I came home to a beautiful family. I lost a family before. That wasn't because of karma. That was because I married a man that chose to find another person while we were still married. I married a man who had the same fate. We found each other. Not because of karma. Because God saw 2 people who had enough battle scars and wounds to be able to come together to fight their way through life, together, building a beautiful life with each other. Without ever giving up on each other, or going outside of our marriage vows when times get tough. Karma had nothing to do with it. It was God.
Tonight it was said that I didn't have a baby of my own because of karma. Wrong again, sister. I haven't had a baby of my own, yet, because God is at work for much bigger things in my life. Had I not had a miscarriage I know my life would be much different. I'd have forever been attached to a man that was not a good person and who made life so incredibly difficult. I didn't understand it during that loss but I see it clearly now. God was saving me sharing the experience of being a mom with the most incredible man I have ever know. Karma has nothing to do that. God has everything to with it.
I want to caution you about playing games with God. Simply, He doesn't play games. Ever. Have I made bad decisions in my life? Of course. More than I'd like to think about or care to admit. What have I done to grow as a Christian? I've taken the bad influences out of my life. I've gained a personal, real, living relationship with Christ. Am I ashamed of how I've handled life at times? Of course.
A good friend reminded me of this tonight. 1 John 1:9 "God does not hold grudes for poor decisions and actions that we have made, He has forgiven us if we have asked for it." She reminded me also that everything I am going through is part of God's plan for me and not, in fact, a result of karma.
I don't know why life is so hard right now. It's outside people making it hard for us. They are running from their bad choices and trying to project that onto me. That won't happen. God has a divine plan for me. For Jason. For our kids. For ALL our kids. The ones we don't have yet, that are only a dream and a hope that we pray for daily. God has placed that in our hearts. And we will have that. Not because of works or deeds or karma. Because God is leading our hearts, minds and life.
I'm blessed because when someone goes out of their way to cut me down, I have enough loving, real people in my life to remind me what to cling to. Hope. Truth. Love.
God has brought me where I am. Nothing more, nothing less.
Life has been hard lately. One person is making our life as hard as it she can. Karma isn't going to get her. I don't believe that. I believe that something much bigger will intervene. I believe that when you spend your time and energy on bad, bad will happen. I believe that when you focus on good, good will happen. Will bad things happen? Sure they will. Because life happens.
God is working in my life. Yesterday I was discouraged because work has been hard. It's not because of karma that I haven't gotten sales. In the real world things happen that don't always go the way we want because things outside of our control are always at play. Satan is ALWAYS looking for an in. Satan is ALWAYS looking for someone he can use to do his evil work. His people are working overtime in our lives right now. So be it.
On the way to work yesterday I prayed that I would be encouraged. I needed it. Got to work and was met with a beautiful email sent to the owner of my company and my boss telling them about a homeowner's experience with me. It made me cry. As I was drying my tears, another homeowner dropped off a letter they asked me to send to the owner of my company and my boss. Telling them about the great experience I had given them buying their home. Encouraged!! Not through sales, through kindness. The sale came today. In the form of a family looking for a home that walked out of my office 3 hours later with a home they will call their own. That wasn't karma coming my way. That was God coming my way.
I came home to a beautiful family. I lost a family before. That wasn't because of karma. That was because I married a man that chose to find another person while we were still married. I married a man who had the same fate. We found each other. Not because of karma. Because God saw 2 people who had enough battle scars and wounds to be able to come together to fight their way through life, together, building a beautiful life with each other. Without ever giving up on each other, or going outside of our marriage vows when times get tough. Karma had nothing to do with it. It was God.
Tonight it was said that I didn't have a baby of my own because of karma. Wrong again, sister. I haven't had a baby of my own, yet, because God is at work for much bigger things in my life. Had I not had a miscarriage I know my life would be much different. I'd have forever been attached to a man that was not a good person and who made life so incredibly difficult. I didn't understand it during that loss but I see it clearly now. God was saving me sharing the experience of being a mom with the most incredible man I have ever know. Karma has nothing to do that. God has everything to with it.
I want to caution you about playing games with God. Simply, He doesn't play games. Ever. Have I made bad decisions in my life? Of course. More than I'd like to think about or care to admit. What have I done to grow as a Christian? I've taken the bad influences out of my life. I've gained a personal, real, living relationship with Christ. Am I ashamed of how I've handled life at times? Of course.
A good friend reminded me of this tonight. 1 John 1:9 "God does not hold grudes for poor decisions and actions that we have made, He has forgiven us if we have asked for it." She reminded me also that everything I am going through is part of God's plan for me and not, in fact, a result of karma.
I don't know why life is so hard right now. It's outside people making it hard for us. They are running from their bad choices and trying to project that onto me. That won't happen. God has a divine plan for me. For Jason. For our kids. For ALL our kids. The ones we don't have yet, that are only a dream and a hope that we pray for daily. God has placed that in our hearts. And we will have that. Not because of works or deeds or karma. Because God is leading our hearts, minds and life.
I'm blessed because when someone goes out of their way to cut me down, I have enough loving, real people in my life to remind me what to cling to. Hope. Truth. Love.
God has brought me where I am. Nothing more, nothing less.
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