It's Friday... (Well actually Saturday)

But Sunday's comin!

This time last year I was sitting at the beach with my family, listening to the ocean, wind whipping around me, wondering about my baby story and where it would take us.

The past few days I've been sitting at the beach with my family, listening to the ocean, wind whipping around me, wondering about my baby story, missing Tucker and Fletcher more than I can say and wondering where this road is taking us.

It's Friday. But Sunday is comin.

People who don't know, don't understand. I'll never forget 2 years ago when we had the kids at the beach for Easter and I was reading an Easter book to Landon and I got to the part that said Jesus died on the cross. Landon freaks and says, "Jesus is dead?!" I told him to hang on a few pages, Sunday was coming!

I was sitting on the beach today and when the sun was out it felt wonderful. When the sun was hidden by the clouds it was cold and miserable. It was amazing how quickly you can go from feeling great to shaking.

Kind of like having a wonderful day with the family and parents flying kites, riding bikes and just enjoying each other to walking straight into anxiety when faced with 2 babies at the pool.

It's Friday.

Right now I'm still broken. My heart aches every day for my boys. I dream that they are with me then wake up to the reality that they aren't. The guilt kills me. Satan tries to make me think I didn't deserve them. Or I did something to cause this. Or God changed his mind and decided I couldn't take care of them.

It's Friday.

God sent Jesus, his son, to die on a cross. To save us. How can I be mad at a God who more than understands my pain?!

He knew Sunday was coming. He knew Jesus wouldn't stay in the grave and he knew what good would come from the pain of Friday.

I'm trusting that He has allowed Friday in my life with the understanding that Sunday is coming. It won't ever erase the pain of what happened on Fri or Dec 10th or Dec 13 or Dec 24 or or or....

I'm blessed knowing that the sun still shines, God is in control and Jesus is no longer in the grave! And I'll hold onto that until my Sunday comes.

It was the worst day, and the best...

I'm struggling. I'm trying my best to keep moving forward but I'm just struggling. I'd be close to having my boys in the next month. Our life would be total chaos with 2 screaming baby boys, we'd never get a good nights sleep and I'd be holding my babies. Crying tears of thankfulness. That's a change I need to work on.

I'm sure I've lost some readers along the way. Who wants to continually read from the heart of a grieving mother. But I can't stop writing. If I don't get it out I will for sure implode.

Was watching the Voice the other night and one of the guys trying out told his story. His wife was pregnant with twins and she lost them at 5 months. He said that it was the worst day of his life and the best day of his life.

I get that. I totally get that. I held and saw what my love created with Jason and they were beautiful. They were my babies. I was holding my boys.

The guy also said something like it was like seeing a glimpse of heaven but not being able to stay.

I'd do it all over again. The puking. The bedrest. The drainings. The time off work. The missed time with family and friends There isn't anything I wouldn't have done to just have my boys here with me now.

They are in heaven. They are with people I loved so much. I know they are ok. But holy crap, I miss my babies.

This puppy that has already shown to be a blessing to our family is getting more attention than she needs. She's our baby right now. She needs love. Attention. We have to feed her. Take her out and house train her. I can't be mad at her that she's a cheap (actually expensive) substitute (an adorable, precious substitute but a substitute none the less) for what my heart cries for.

I miss them. I miss Tucker and I miss Fletcher. I know the pain will never go away but I'd be really ok with this feeling of total emptiness making its exit. Any day now. Like now. Seriously.

Going to spend 4 days camping with the kids, parents, in laws and Coco at the beach. We will be together for Easter this year.

My Sunday is out there. I know it is.

Coco Belle Neu

We've added a new lil gal to our family, Coco Neu. She is pretty much the cutest dog I've ever seen. We made the decision to get a puppy to give us something new to focus on. Wasn't sure if it was the best thing to do or not but oh. my. gosh. We are in love. She's already brought so much joy into our lives.

I'm sure we'll probably end up with an unhealthy attachment to her, and that worried me. But when we picked her up on Sunday she was just so loving and cute and cuddly. We had a 3 hour drive home and she laid on my lap most of the trip. A few times she crawled up my chest and laid her head in my neck and I covered her with a blanket and rocked her.

And then I completely lost it.

It's a dog.

Not a baby. Not Tucker. She's not fletcher either. Now it's like I went thru hell and all I got was the dog. But I really do love her. I picked out a really cute outfit that is blue and has a tutu and on the back has a big silver high heel. I mean, c'mon. Melissa before Coco- hates animals dressed as people. Melissa after Coco- trying to decide between puppy tutus or puppy onesies. It's a little ridiculous.

For such a little dog she sure does carry a big burden. She's going to help us heal. Help us get back to who we were. But I get so angry that other friends are having their babies, pregnant with babies, holding their babies and I'm holding a dog.

So frustrating.

We have gotten to spend more time with the kiddos lately and it means so much to us any extra time we get together. Jason and Landon went and did man things. Kaylen, Ash and I went to Starbucks then tried smuggling Coco into Target and Home Depot. It was a comedy of errors and I'm sure they thought we were shoplifting or something, anytime we saw a worker we ran the other way w a wiggly dog in an oversize bag covered by my jacket. And all 3 of us laughing so hard. Not at all obvious. It's their spring break and we had them some last night, they wanted to spend the day with us and all night and we started putting our new place together. It's starting to feel like home.

I'm trying really hard to focus on what I have. I have a beautiful husband who makes me laugh more than I ever have. I have a funny stepson who says the funniest stuff, who is loving and witty and makes me feel like he really loves being here. I have a preteener who makes me so proud in so many ways, so talented and kind. And one about to turn 10 who is smart, sassy, and kind. I have 2 little sons who I carry in my heart and one 10 year old boy who is celebrating his birthday as I pray for him, wherever he may be.

I am blessed. I really am. I think the tears running down my cheeks are just some leftover disappointment, fear, anger and frustration leaving my heart.

I'm healing.

Never been more appropriate timing. It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!!

Easter, camping, new pup, kids, parents, in laws, beach. Can't be mad about that!

Going to make sure these 3 kids that I love so so much are nice and warm in their new bedrooms then crawl in bed with the other part of me.

Blessed!

Lost in a moment. No chaos. Lost in chaos...

So many pregnant friends. So happy for each of them but still too broken to show them the excitement they deserve.   I guess I can equate this to finding a new word you never knew and then reading it in the next 5 books you open. Pregnant woman, babies, toddlers, they've always been in abundance. Just now my broken heart doesn't miss seeing one.

Spring cleaning is fun. Especially when you have 2 places to clean. Does sarcasm translate thru blog? I'm ready to be settled. I'm so past ready to feel like myself again.

My Dr tells me the only way to move forward is to keep moving forward and until I get out of the anger phase and into the acceptance phase I'll remain in the anger. I asked him to write me a script so I can mosey on over to acceptance but it doesn't work like that. The only way you heal is to grieve. And the reason I have to grieve is because my heart is broken and empty bc Tucker and Fletcher aren't safe inside me growing. And that makes me angry. Grief cycle blah blah blah.

I have to find my confidence again. I have to. This weak, scared, skittish me that I've become isn't fair to anymore. Most of all Jason. He wants his confident wife back. He wants the one who laughed more than she cried. I so desperately want to be that for him. For me.

I have 5000 tons of weight on my shoulders. I worry about everything. I can't control anything. I can't get thru normal everyday activities. My Dr said I'm absolutely not in a position to go to work. I hate being a wreck. My life was finally figured out. I had everything I'd ever wanted and dreamed about and prayed for.

Now I'm stuck. The hardest part of this has been the struggle I have with prayer There are some major things I need to be in prayer about and all I can find to say to God is I don't know how to pray anymore. My prayers couldn't save my boys, how can I trust that my prayers would be heard for anything else? It's painful to admit that. I've always had strong faith. And my faith has been tested and tried and put thru the fire. I have to find my way back to the only one who can give me the peace I need.

I'm staying busy. I'm doing things that need to be done. I'm doing the best I can. I just know that my best is a lot more. I want a baby so desperately. I miss both Tucker and Fletcher so much right now I can't hardly breathe. I've got to get thru this. So I can move past this. So I can get to a place where I can be me again.

I'm blessed bc even in my doubt I know I have people praying for me, lifting me up and loving me thru the heartache.

Tomorrow will be better. I'm not the mom in the way I so wanted to be. I can't hold my babies and rock them and sing to them and love on them. But they made me a mom. And I will forever hold them the only way I can, forever in my heart.

Momma loves you boys. Go give your great grandparents a big hug. They'll take care of you for me!

Twins, Ashlen and chaos.

Well we moved. Mostly. Kind of. Now we don't just have chaos and disorder in one home but 2. Yippee!! We moved out of the sad house.

But I am still sad and empty and lost. That wasn't supposed to follow me to the new place. That was the plan anyways. All the sadness, the tears, the anger and confusion was not invited to move with us.

Guess who showed up today.

This is so frustrating. We had the kids this weekend and we moved and it was awful moving and a lot of work (36 stairs x 1000 trips up and down) but we had a great weekend. Girls were settled into their awesome new room. Landon loves his big bedroom. They love it here. We made a slide out of cardboard boxes for them to go down the stairs and crash into a big pile of pillows and they loved it.

Ashlen wanted me to blog about a few things, so before I forget, here you go Ash.
1. She was carrying a box up the first flight of stairs and did well until she forgot about the step up from the landing. And she fell on her face. My proud moment came when she posed with a smile on her face!
2. The girls and I painted their room. Ash really throws herself into what she does. All of herself. Like her head. Her blonde hair was blue from paint. Kaylen got some droplets on her arm. But they did a fantastic job and their room is pretty fab!

I was worried this wouldn't feel like home. I don't want to feel lost here as well. I want to be settled. I want to feel like myself again. It's so confusing right now. It feels like this crap all happened to someone else. I go the weekend having a great time with the kids, family time, memories, riding bikes with Landon and I just got angry. I had to go up to my room and just broke down. I wasn't able to give them their brothers. My body failed me. Failed my family. Failed the kids. Then I was on my Pinterest boards and saw a twin board I'd created and it made me furious. Losing 2 babies has been the worst part I think. Because I lost 1. Then for 11 days I had a strong belief Fletcher would be ok. Then he died and I'm left with nothing but a huge hole in my heart and my stomach.

I'm angry. Watching tv and see a documentary on drug dealing thugs. They all had 3-6 kids each. Valid or not I don't understand why I wasn't allowed to bring my babies home. They would have been loved. They would have been taken care of. They would have had more love and attention than they needed. My babies should still be growing inside me. I would be 31 weeks. I'd be having showers. I'd be doing classes with Jason. Hospital tours. Final touches on the nursery. I'd be miserable with a huge belly and feeling them kick and move and dance inside me. But none of that is happening. I'm empty. I can't adequately convey just how empty you become when you lose a baby. And then your other one.

Closer my due date gets the harder it is to keep it together. I'm so tired of being a wreck. I didn't know what to do with the boys boxes with their ashes in it so we took them to Mom and Dads. They were sitting on the dining room table which irritated me so I moved them to a high chair they have and that broke my heart. My boys were supposed to sit in that old high chair we've had forever and I was supposed to feed them. Not put 2 stupid boxes of ashes there.

I want my babies back. I want to kiss Tucker and hold Fletcher longer. I didn't get to spend enough time with Fletcher. I was scared. I was angry. I was terrified. I was broken. I need more time with my boys.

I feel like in being punished. I'm trying to figure this out as I go and I'm struggling. Maybe I'm not meant to have kids of my own. I can't imagine anything more cruel then to go thru a twin loss and not have a baby at some point but that's a fear.

I want my babies here. I miss them. I miss being pregnant. I haven't thrown up since my water broke and I would gladly go back to throwing up every day. I can't change anything. No bartering will get me back what I need to feel whole again.

Jason needs his wife back. The one who had confidence in herself and her abilities. My parents need their fun loving daughter back. I need to feel like myself again. I want out of this nightmare that I've been in for 3 months.

I want my boys. I want my babies. I want my heart to heal so I can find out where I go from here.

I'm blessed because as I laid on my husbands chest crying, he sang to me. I don't know why that was what I needed but I love that man of mine so much it made it better.

Tomorrow is a new day. In a new place. Full of crap I don't know what to do with but it's a distraction I need. I'll get this all figured out. I've learned how to multitask better. Crying while you're figuring it out.

Please, let me figure this out!

Miracle Shmiracle

I saw a shooting star tonight. I couldn't come up with a wish.

My Nana is in the hospital. This is really hard for me that I'm not there with her. I talk to her nearly everyday and recently our conversations have made me sad. She's ready to be reunited with Papaw. With her parents. With our boys. I can't imagine a life without Nana and I hope, selfishly, that she sticks around for a long time. But she's ready to go home. Her heavenly home.

6 months ago it would have broken me. To hear her talk like that. But I understand. She's lived a long life. She has family here she loves and who love her but he love is waiting for her. Her parents who she misses. My boys she wants to hold and rock and love on. When the time comes that Nana leaves us I know she'll be surrounded with so much love waiting on her. She'll be able to walk around. I don't know if there's cars in heaven but if so she'll be driving with her lead foot down! She won't be hurting. She won't be tired. I understand why she's ready. Just breaks my heart that the time will come that we lose her here.

It's hard for me to pray. It's hard to pray for miracles when I don't know if I still believe in miracles. I need to have a heart to heart with God bc I am struggling with this. Where was my miracle for Tucker? Where was our miracle for Fletcher? How is it determined who gets their miracle? I'm still broken hearted that ours didn't come.

Moving into a new home. With new furniture. It doesn't feel like home bc it's all new stuff. I get anxiety wondering how I'll manage 2 staircases with 2 babies. And then I cry bc I realize I really have lost my mind. My boys are gone. They won't be back. I'm not sure why that's so hard for my heart to remember. I need to have a good talking to with my heart after I finish with God.

I always look forward to spring. I'm dreading it now. Spring is when I would have my boys. Spring is when we would be bringing them home. Spring this year was supposed to bring a lot to our lives.

Something's gonna happen. I pray that I'm prepared for whatever comes my way. Good, bad, crazy. I pray that God guides me bc I am lost.

I'm loved. I'm blessed. Just lost.

Marriage and Divorce

Yesterday was our 2 year Anniversary. I have never been so completely confident of anything as much as I am about Jason and my relationship. The day wasn't romantic. He had to work. I ran some errands. We signed the papers and got the keys for our new home. We painted, we cleaned and we talked. It was real life that didn't need fancy added to it to make it special.  The Peterbrooke Chocolate was a nice touch though!  Good job my dude!

We got home and sat on the back porch swing and talked. I guess that's not entirely accurate. Jason talked and I cried. I'm so ready to move out of this house. But I'm mad about it. We are moving because we need a change. We don't need the 4th bedroom for the nursery and that breaks my heart. I'm tired of my heart being broken.

Grief grabs you by the throat. It comes from such a deep place, it's scary how deep it's roots go.

Losing Tucker and Fletcher has changed me. I'm learning everyday the many ways I'm different now. I don't have a lot of patience for bullcrap. I can't stand petty issues and problems. It drives me crazy the things that others hold onto that poisons them.

But it's also changed in me my heart. I can move on now in some relationships where I forgave without an apology being offered. Bygones are bygones and we are moving forward. It makes it easier to breathe. To not be so tense. To be able to be myself, not someone I didn't like being bc of pettiness.

I've also decided to close the chapter on a very toxic relationship. I will no longer allow myself to be bullied. To be told what to do. To be told I can have a relationship under someone else's terms and conditions with no regard to what I need out of the relationship. I made the decision to divorce my exhusband who never made me feel half as bad about myself as this person has. Out of respect for people I love I'll not air any dirty laundry but I tried to make amends, I've apologized for things I've done, for how I handled my grief when it didn't sit well with them and I made concessions that should never be asked of a person.

My confidence is in the toilet right now. I don't know why, I can't pinpoint what makes me doubt and question my abilities, my talents and my deeds but doubt and guilt and fear are something I fight daily. I don't need a bully on top of that.

Losing Tucker and Fletcher the way we did hurts more than I can explain. The loss is physical. It's mental. It's emotional. And it's spiritual. I'm struggling in all these areas. I can't do anything about the circumstances that led to their deaths. There isn't a lot I can control.  But I can do something about who I invest my time, emotions and energy into. And it will no longer be people who don't care about me or have no desire to know who I've become. I'm divorcing them! It's only about 2 years too late!

Life is so much harder than I ever thought possible. But I have such a strong, loving, caring, compassionate man standing beside me. Holding me up. Dragging me forward. Allowing me to hurt and grieve and cry but reminding me of what I still have to offer.

This decision didn't come easily but it was decision time and I'm closing this door on my side that has been locked, barricaded and sealed shut on the other side for a very long time.  For me to heal I have to cut out the people trying to poison my heart, my mind and my soul. So. Not. Worth. It.

I'm going to be ok. I have the love of one very special man who tells me everyday that we'll get thru this together. And I trust him.

Plus he promised to knock some heads together if need be, so there's always that!

Going to see what God has in store for me next. I'm scared but I'm hopeful that if He hasn't left me yet, He's probably in it for the long haul.  Right God?!  Here I am, ready for what's next.  I think. No,
Definitely ready.

I think.