Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Divorce, sparkly souls and life.



Crazy how it works huh?  

Heard a song "some days are diamonds some days are stone..."

Couldn't have said it better myself. 

I've had 5 new cars in 7 years. 

I've lived in 7 places in 10 years. 

I've had 2 husbands in 10 years. 

I've had a part in raising and loving and/or giving birth to 6 kids in 10 years. 

Answering basic questions should be easy, what's your last name?  "Neu,  No?  Umm, Billington?  Harris?   Address, Lanier?  No?  Um, Capital Dome?" 

The only thing I have left out of that is a new car and MEEE!  

I don't let a lot of weeds grow beneath my feet, not because I've had a choice in most of this but because it's the hands I've been dealt. And I'm playing them. 

Life hasn't made much sense in the past few years. I've been up, I've been down. I've been full of joy, I've been full of sorrow. Sometimes in the same day, sometimes in the same hour. If that's not confusing, I don't know what is. 

The past few months I've had a change in perspective. I've changed my prayers from what I want, to thanking God, out loud, for the things I have. There's something very real about driving down the road, praying out loud, tears streaming down your face, thanking God for a life you have when it doesn't make sense. 

I've been on the receiving end of so much kindness and support, I'm overwhelmed. I try not to let the well meaning people's sentiments hurt but sometimes they do.  Because as much as people try to understand, truth is, most people can't. And that's a lonely enough place to be, in and of itself, without their advise that sometimes makes you want to punch a wall. 

My life, over the past few months, has been crazy. In just a really good way, completely nuts, but still just crazy. 

I've made some really hard decisions that broke my heart, but also, set me free.

If that's not heavy, I don't know what is. 

I let my embryos go. I sold my wedding ring, I traded in the car I had that shouldn't mean anything but did because, that too, was something that held a lot of memories. 

I've picked myself up, every single day, and made a conscience decision to live. 

That day.  Day by day.  

Mother's Day nearly killed me. I expected to breeze thru it but I didn't. I cried for 3 days straight. 

But I made it through. 

Seems silly to say but what hasn't killed me, truly has made me stronger. 

Hear this though, I didn't just decide to "start living again."  I didn't just wake up one day ok. 

I made a decision, each time I felt like I was suffocating, to keep breathing. That each time I felt like I was drowning, to keep swimming. When I was crushed by the weight of everything I've lost, to truly let myself rest in the knowledge that if God was asking me to release what I've known and loved, it was because He has greater for me. 

That's not lip service. I believe it. 

With tears running down my face, I believe it. 

I'm strong. Stronger than I ever imagined I'd have to be but a funny thing happens when you lose your heart. 

It grows again.

If you let it. 

I've made the decision that I'm not ok with how things are. I won't accept that things can't be better because, if that were true, I'd never be in the position I'm in where I have more than I ever expected. 

It's not what I wanted. It's not what I prayed for and it's not what I expected my life to be, it's a different kind of ok. 

That's the funny thing about life. 

We don't script it. We simply love it. 

I've dumbed myself down to try to fit. I've minimized the work I've done, every single day, in an effort to mend things. 

That's not fair to me or the journey I've been on. 

You can either get thru life feeling, being present and growing from the pruning or you can die on the vine because you're not willing to hurt. 

I've hurt. 

More than I ever imagined one person could. 

But I made it through. 

I didn't just decide today to start enjoying life. I didn't just wake up one day and feel better. It's a process, it's a long and heavy road of confusion and chaos, and because I hurt, because I felt, because I went through the pain, I'm able to look forward to the beauty that is in front of me. 

I've never lost myself. I've lost a lot. I've lost an entire family, my world shifted and changed and I sometimes I don't know my address, my name or where I'm going next but I'm confident in this. 

Life is hard. 

But my will to have what I want and deserve and have worked so hard to have is stronger than any pain I've faced. 

I didn't get here alone. I got here with an army of beautiful people, a God whose grace is more abundant than anything I've ever known and a desire to make every single blessing more beautiful because of the pain I've allowed myself to feel. 

Life is hard. 

Let me say this, if someone shares with you a piece of their heart, even if it doesn't mean much to you, it took courage for them they probably don't feel too confident in. Acknowledge it. Be human enough to give them something back. Even if it's small. What may seem insignificant to you may go a long way in healing someone's brokeness. 

Seems silly not to do something as simple as a text, phone call, email back that literally takes seconds but could change someone's life. If you could do that, help someone's heart by being human enough to respond, wouldn't you? 

Won't you? 

What would be harder that the pain of loss, I think, is a life of regret, not lived out of fear. 

Had I not loved so greatly, the pain wouldn't be so deep. 

I'll never regret opening myself to the possibility of the pain that comes from having an open heart, because the love I've known has forever changed me and given me the courage, the strength and the fight to see how this story ends. 

I'm halfway through.  It's been a rollercoaster of crazy but it's not been boring. 

I can rest in knowing this, I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know I'm strong enough to make the decisions to get me where I want to go. 

High heels, sparkly soul and another last name.  

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