Monday, June 15, 2015

Invisible and Lost

I've loved 2 men, completely. One my dad, the other J. 

My dad has never let me down, has always had my back and has never left me feeling insignificant or that I didn't matter. 

J was the answer to so many prayers and dreams. After a divorce from a man I knew was wrong, losing a stepson I raised and loved, having my self confidence wrecked becasue he found he liked girlfriends more than me, my self confidence was nothing.

Meeting J, it was something so special. He's gregarious, he's outgoing, the life of the party. After feeling completely isolated and ignored, he made me feel beautiful, important and special. 

Life wasn't perfect, it was quite hard. There were a lot of road blocks thrown at us but we maneuvered our way around them, together. 

We lived life. So fully and completely. We raised kids who had completely hectic, full schedules, we laughed til we cried, we loved each other and I had never felt more loved, special and protected than I did with him. In his arms, I was safe and more content than I'd ever been.  

Losing the boys changed us. We grieved and dealt with things differently and as much as I wanted to be "ok" for him, I couldn't even be "ok" with myself until I had put in the sweat equity that comes with grief. 

And then when I got to the place I could take care of others becasue I could, finally, take care of myself, he was gone. 

I can't blame him. Life, those months after the deaths of our boys, was hell. There were days I didn't get out of bed. The thought of doing anything more than breathing was overwhelming because I was drowning in the pain of still living when my heart had died. Twice. 

You can't make people stick around for the "better" after the "worse" has made them hate you.  

I didn't cheat. I didn't lie.

I grieved.

The loss of the boys is a pain that lessens because the reminders aren't there everyday. I'd say, with that, that the pain is sometimes worse because the reminders come out of nowhere. 

But I lost them, and I survived. 

Losing my best friend, the one who wrote me poems, who would come to my defense to anyone who looked at me cross, the man who was at most every dr's appt during the rollercoaster of getting pregnant and after, to not leaving my side during the stay in the hospital is a pain and loss like one I've never experienced. 

So I don't know how to navigate. 

We are past the point of reconciliation, we are living completely separate lives and have for a long time. 

We each moved on differently. 

He with the kids and dog. 

Me without anything other than myself. 

Is this a pathetic blog about a girl that can't move on?  

I'd like to think not. 

I've dated, I've been "over" the loss of us for awhile because I didn't have a choice. 

If he came back to me tomorrow, I know we wouldn't be compatible anymore because too much has changed. We have grown in completely opposite places. 

Doesn't stop the pain of not having your best friend in your everyday life. I'm facing decisions that would be really comforting to have another opinion on. 

But I'm here, just me. 

I was made for more than I am. I'm successful at my job, I have financial stability that affords me the ability to breathe.  Which is great. 

But I'm also lonely. 

I'm successful as a sales person. It feeds a part of my soul, the closing and negotiating of deals, and I'm not myself without that. 

But I was made for more. 

I'm a wife. I'm a mom. 

Without a family. 

My heart desires that, more than anything, and after the chaos of such a full life, the silence of being alone is deafening. 

I've been great, really just good and at peace. My job has been more than successful. My family and friends are ao incredibly supportive. 

So I feel pathetic for crying over something that is gone. 

Not the boys, I couldn't have done anything to save them.  And that is a guilt and pain you don't know unless you've delivered, and lost, 2 babies. 

What is gone is the life I had with a best friend who I thought knew me better than anyone else.  Who was still willing to walk away from me, the person he knew so well. 

If that doesn't make you feel invisible, inadequate and unworthy, I'm not sure what would. 

I have felt, for awhile, because I love that man so much, that I would give up all the healing I've fought for, to give him some peace, because I know I'm strong enough to fight my way out of the darkness again if it meant that someone I loved didn't hurt.  

Then the benefit of social media smacks me in the gut and shows me that he is happy. He's ok. He's as handsome as ever and his smile is brighter than I was able to put on his face. 

He's moved on. 

I guess it's time for me to do the same.

I have a lot of blessings waiting for me in heaven. My heart, as damaged as it is, believes I'll have some more blessings here on earth, too. 

So, what more can I do than this?  I'll put a smile on my face, I'll continue to live my life and will be confident that God has laid the dreams on my heart for the sole purpose of knowing it will be because they will come to be. 

Life is hard. Some days suck a whole lot more than others. 

I have loved a lot of people. I've lost a great number of them but I'm thankful that it hasn't, nor will I allow it, to harden my heart to not continue to love, hope and believe. 

I'm just a crazy gal, with a lot to say about the realities of this hard knock of life. 

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