Where are you Christmas?

More accurately, where are you Christmas weather? 78 degrees is beautiful weather. For October. I need a blustery cold wind 5 days before Christmas.

This Christmas is very special. I get to share it with my handsome husband. People talk about marrying your best friend. Loving someone more everyday. It's all true. I am so in love with that man.

We're working on expanding the Neu Crew. What a test in patience. And what an exciting thing to share with someone you love so much. I know he's a great Dad. I know how loving and attentive and fun he is. I can't wait to see the child(ren?) God blesses us with. The kids are beyond ready for us to have a baby. K prays I have a baby girl and A always prays for twins or triplets. L prayed I'd have 87 boys and 87 girls. I have to pray for Jason's sanity. I know the girls and L are going to be such a great big brother and sisters. They ask every time I see them when I'm going to have a baby. And A keeps telling me we just have to keep asking God to put a baby in my belly. I love those kids.

What a test of patience this is. It's kind of the ultimate lesson in you do what you can and leave the timing to God. I know that when this happens for us it will be because it is God's will and time for us. I have been pregnant before. I don't remember anything about it. How I felt physically or anything because it was during such a dark period of my life. It wasn't God's timing. I understand that now, even though the pain of loss was so great for a long time. But that pregnancy couldn't be anymore different than my pregnancy will be when it happens. This time I get to share it with a man who adores me, who I love with my whole heart and who I can't wait to share this with. And see who our baby will look like. Friends joke that he/she will come out with a big smile and straight, white teeth. We have Dr Rumble to thank for that smile!

I miss J. He's been on my heart and mind and in my dreams a lot lately. He loved Christmas. That was a love of mine that I was able to pass on to him. I hope he still has that love in his heart and somewhere in his heart and mind he has good memories of the Christmas' we shared together he was a young boy.

My heart is filled with excitement, joy, hope and wonder. This Christmas will be a very special Christmas for our family. I'm praying for healing, restoration, understanding and forgiveness. I'm praying for babies, and memories, and family and fun.

I know how badly things hurt when they are done outside of God's plan. I, thankfully, have a real understanding of how overwhelming things are when they are blessed by God's favor. My job is still bringing success and is something I love. My husband makes me laugh every day and he's my best friend. Our kids are healthy and happy and settled. Our families are a huge part of our lives and we are blessed with great parents.

This Christmas season was stressful. Over planning, overspending, over stressing. "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Thanks Grinch for the reminder. This Christmas we are spending with family. This Christmas we are making memories. This Christmas we will celebrate the true meaning.

I'll enjoy the beautiful sunshine as a reminder that God's love and His promises of a brighter future for us all.

Merry Christmas!

Oh baby

Been awhile since my last post. I realize how important it is for me to get what I'm feeling on the inside, out. Otherwise it recirculates in my mind and I've made progress but I'm still quite neurotic.

I'm doing the 30 days of Thanks for the month of November. A lot of my thanks are redundant but it's because it's so real. My love for Jason. Grace. Forgiveness. Healing. I've come a long way over the past few years. Still got some room for improvement. Stepkids, husband, job, family, friends. It's a constant juggle. It's getting (somewhat) easier.

I still struggle with resentment. It's hard to go through what I went through with so much judgement. Even if it was delivered with kindness it was still judgement. I didn't move on fast enough for some people. I was sad too long for others. For some I just needed to get over it so I could move on. They didnt realize I had to get through it, to get over it, to heal, to move on. It's a process. I don't expect a lot of people to understand but it also still hurts that people judged how I handled my loss.

I see facebook posts daily of people who have kids. So thankful for their kids. Can't get enough of their kids. Rightfully so. Kids are an amazing addition to your family and it's a love you can't describe. I wonder if their kids were suddenly taken from their life if they'd be able to still smile. Move on. Get over it. Just wait to have more kids...cause that'll take the pain away. Actually, it kind of doesn't. I miss J all the time. Since the last day I saw him I've missed him. I love the kids I have in my life now. I enjoy going to their schools, festivals, games, dances. I love shopping for their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, slumber parties. I love doing crafts with them, baking with them. I am happy. It doesn't erase the hole in my heart for him. He's playing soccer. He's in 3rd grade. He's out there. Somewhere. He's not the little boy I last saw. He's a little man. I appreciate that we move on. But time healing all wounds isn't accurate. Sometimes it's easier than others but I will never stop loving, praying and caring for that special lil guy I had for 4 years. I read that scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Righfully so. If you go through the pain, you should be rewarded somehow.

Someone in my life likes to tell me that I don't have my own kids so I don't know how to mother. It's a dig made to hurt. And it does. Even though it's not true, it still hurts. I didn't give birth to J, but I loved him with every part of who I am. I didn't give birth to K, A and L but it doesnt stop me from loving them with all my heart. Even though I miss J more everyday, it doesnt stop me from loving them. From trying to show them how to love deeper, more. How to believe, trust and serve God. How to show love, respect and compassion to themselves and others. I don't have my own kids. But I believe I was picked by God to raise the 4 that have been placed in my life. I'm not trying to be their mom. They have one. I'm trying to be the best Missy I can to them.

With that being said, Jason and I are trying to have a bundle of joy of our own. A kid that will come out smiling a big smile that both mommy and daddy have. Hopefully with his sense of humor, my wit, our love, sense of family and belief in a God who loves us more than we can imagine. I thought I've been tested before in patience. Nothing like this. Wanting something to badly with someone I love so deeply is humbling. Because this is 100% in God's timing. And I believe. Even when I get sad, frustrated, impatient, have issues with ovulation kits (WHOLE other blog)

I know beyond any shadow of doubt, that I will have that wonderful man's baby. God has not shown me how to love as a mother, how to pray with a mother's heart, how to love with the love of a mother, to not have that. I trust. I believe. I know. I have been a Missy to a very special boy. I am a Melissa to 3 very special kids. I excitedly wait for the day I get to be someones Mama.

I'm blessed, I'm excited and I'm so in love with my husband I'm about to burst!

Beautiful Things

I've come to the conclusion that I'm basically just a hot mess. I'm a happy, in love hot mess but a hot mess all the same. I have got to learn to let things go. And cut myself some slack. 32 is too young to give myself a self induced heart attack because I didn't get to the 3rd load of laundry after work tonight. And perhaps it's been a few (dozen) days since I've vacuumed, it's been a few (dozen) weeks since I've sold a house and I'm half passed crazy most of the time but.....I'm still happy.

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust." Hopefully. It's a song by Gunger that I listen to on repeat. Just ask Jason. Drives him batty. I've been emotional (shocking I know) and down on myself lately. Satan does this thing that whenever I'm headed somewhere really good, he trips me. And when I get back up and keep moving forward, he throws a boulder in my path. And when I keep climbing over it to keep on keeping on, he soaps up the road so I slip and fall on my face. Well I literally almost did fall on my face but it was because I slipped in paint in my high heels when I was showing a house this weekend. I digress. Kinda, paints a good visual. So I've been moving forward with my handsome husband, getting the kids back into the school routine, working, trying to juggle and just feeling overwhelmed with too much. Because I'm a control freak. Admitting is the first step.

So I decided to fast and pray for things that have been heavy on my heart. So as with anytime you fast and pray so much for someone or something, it's made me super emotional about a lot of things and just really trying to let it go so it doesnt bring me down but not really being able to forget about things that hurt and frustrate and make me crazy because after all this is my life and there are people in it who are hurting. I know I can't control that. It's a stumbling block I continue to trip over. I also need to learn to just breathe. Clearly.

"All this pain, I wonder if I’ll ever find my way, I wonder if my life could really change at all. All this earth, Could all that is lost ever be found, Could a garden come up from this ground at all."

I've had some really good news and some not so great news lately. Some really exciting things happening and some things that make me honestly want to beat my head against the wall. Well if I'm being honest, want to beat someone else's head(s) against the wall. But regardless, one of my biggest worries that I couldnt wrap my brain around was answered by prayers and trusting and bam, God shows me once again to let go of stuff out of my control.

With work I havent sold anything in way too long and it's weighing heavily on me. I'm doing all I can but it doesnt seem enough when it's not producing sales. Until last week when I had a prospect ask if I could do something for her and I said yes, sure, what, and she asked me to pray for her. So I realized sometimes it's about more than selling houses to people.

My husband is a saint. I swear, and I know I'm preaching to the choir here, how different it is being married to a loving, caring, loving, kind man after being married to such a miserable person first. I have been emotional and crying and down on myself because of a lot of different things and work and just not really feeling good about myself and instead of telling me to stop having a pity party and snap out of it, he set me down and made me look him in the eyes as he told me that he was tired of seeing his beautiful, caring, loving, funny wife sad. (Do you know how hard it is to stop crying when the man you love more than anything is sitting in front of you making you look him in the eyes telling you to trust him and let him help? It aint easy!) And that I didnt have to carry everything on my own shoulders, that he was there to take that worry off me. And he meant it. And I believed him. How blessed am I?

So, in between my weight fluctuating up and down, crying all the time and being neurotic about just about everything I am still happy. Because when I do stumble I have a very handsome, loving man to pick me up. When I'm frustrated and sad because I refuse to let go and release worries, I have a God that gives me grace and forgives me. And when I don't understand everything going on in my life, I still know that God makes beautiful things out of us. And I'm so beyond blessed!

Ebbs and Flows

Writer's block.

This could be a whole lot of nothing coming out but I feel like I'm about to bust! I have so much going on inside this head of mine. This is usually my outlet and it seems clogged.

I haven't sold a house in a long time. Months. Actually I guess that's not true. I've sold 5 or 6 houses but the contracts haven't come together for one reason or another. Get so close then they get a bigger incentive, or their house didn't sell, or a better offer came along in their eyes and they couldn't justify not taking what others were offering, even when they loved mine more, because the other deal looked too good to pass up. Stressed, worrying, clawing, pacing. Getting me nowhere. Back to the basics. You do what you know to do and the sales will come.

I've lost touch with people in my life. Friends, family, co-workers, J. Some expected, some not. Some hurt more than others. I'm moving in a different direction then some. Some have chosen to take themselves out of my life for reasons I still don't know. Some I've decided to take out of mine. You don't get a manual for how to "Break up" with people. There's not a "They're just not that into you" guide for people who have made the choice not to bring you along on their journey.

For a long time I've had a hard time letting go. I've placed the burden of keeping relationships together on my shoulders. It's sad when you let people go. It's sad when you are let go. I've been disappointed by some, I've been surprised by others. I know I've let people down, I've been let down. When you pray for friends, when you pray for direction, when you pray for guidance, it might surprise you where the answers come from. A facebook friend you haven't seen in 20 years, a person you sold a house to years ago or someone you've never even met.

Last night I went to dinner with Jason, my parents and aunt and uncle. We sat on the back porch laughing and telling stories and sharing memories. And there was nowhere else I'd have rather been. This evening me and Jason went to dinner and the grocery store after work. We put groceries away, talked to the kids on facetime. My life has changed. My nights have changed. Girls nights have been traded for tball games and dance practices. Sunday Fundays have been traded for church and work. Date nights are now with one man, who I love more and more everyday and talks about the future aren't pipe dreams, they will be our reality.

I guess the ebbs and flows of life will always be there. Frustration one minute, laughter the next. Tears of sadness then tears of joy. I don't have as much time now as I did a year ago. I am married, with children, with a demanding job. That doesn't leave a lot of time in between for much else. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing. I feel like the balls I'm juggling are crashing.

What you focus on becomes your giant. I'm going to start focusing on being the best wife, mother, daughter, employee and friend I can be. I'll probably lose some along the way, will pick up new people on this journey and will always have the forevers that may not be your every days but will always only be a phone call away.

I'm blessed.

Pavlo's Dog and Braces

I had surgery last week. Was a tougher recovery than I anticipated. Still hurting but slowly getting back to normal. My surgery was kind of a pruning of sorts I guess. Painful process but all needed for something good to come later.

I was on some pretty good pain pills. In that they knocked me out. Not sure if it was the drugs or the anesthesia, both or what but God spoke to me pretty clearly through some dreams.

I've been battling things I've had a hard time letting go of. Some people and situations that have caused me tears, frustration, sadness, irritation, tears. I had a dream that I picked up a certain someone (insert frustrating person here) from the airport and they got in my car and I was as nice as could be, going out of my way to be friendly and out of nowhere she, er, they said "You no longer wear your belt like Pavlo's Dog and it makes me want to smack you." Yea, made no sense in my dream either. I was all, um that doesnt make sense. I know that Pavlo's Dog means something but it doesnt have to do with belts and why does it even matter to you whether I wear a belt or not. And they are all, well that's exactly the point that makes me so mad at you is that you just don't get it. ----So that's the gist of this dream. People mad at me over something that makes no sense that they couldnt even explain to me because it's absurd. Please hold..

Jonas has been on my mind non stop lately. I told mom the other day I couldnt remember his voice and that was really hard to handle. And not sure if it's 1. I havent seen him in 3 years. 2. I don't know where he is. 3. I have kids in my life again that I love and have fun with. 4 The emotions of thinking about growing our family or or or.....

Day 2 after surgery is usually hard and this was no exception. I was a hot mess. Couldnt move, walked like an old lady, couldnt bend over, Jason had to help me put on my pants. I was in a lot of pain. Had a dream that I was at the orthodontist. Jonas was sitting on my lap, facing me, talking to me close, as we did so many times. He had his pacifier breath, he was playing with my hair and we just had the best conversation. I heard his husky little voice as clear as if he were really sitting on my lap. And as I'm sitting there so enjoying this conversation with this little boy I love and miss so much the evil dr is putting braces on my teeth. I didn't understand why because my teeth were straight, I'd already been through 3 years of torture with those things. And as I was questioning the Why in the midst of loving on Jonas I heard "You don't understand the pain you're going through now but I promise the result will be worth it."

Well. I know God uses different ways to talk to us. This time was through some pain pill induced dreams but I got some really important lessons that I've been too awake to hear.

1. Pavlo's Dog. I knew it was something but couldnt for the life of me remember what. So I googled it. In my simpleton mind, it's an expected response to a learned behavior. If someone always gave you a drink when the phone rang then instinctively every time you hear a ring you get thirsty. Has nothing to do with a belt. Which was kind of lost on me for a minute but in my dream, the person was so angry that I wasn't wearing the belt like Pavlo's Dog. Aha! Stay with me here. You teach people how to treat you. Running after someone for crumbs, begging, pleading, love me, trust me, like me, talk to me...puts you in a place no one likes to be. At someone else's mercy. If you are always playing by someone else's rule and not getting close to the desired outcome, it's time to play by new rules. People being so angry with you because you don't act, react or do as they would or think you should, doesnt make you wrong. It makes them wrong. If you are leading your life for God's will, praying for his direction, He'll be the voice that tells you just because someone says jump, doesnt mean you have to ask how high. Unless it's pleasing to Him. So next time the phone rings, instead of running to the fridge for something to drink, you may decide to read a book instead. No one should get angry at you for not wearing a belt like Pavlo's Dog. That's as absurd as letting someone else having control over your mind, thoughts, feelings.

2. We don't always understand the pain as we're going through it. Sometimes over the past 4 years there were times I literally was crushed by the weight of the pain I was going through. Sometimes I felt like I was going through the same lesson over and over. I finally got it. And my life is more than I ever thought possible. And it's just starting. With a man I love more and more everyday. Jonas sitting on my lap gave me permission to remember. To grieve, to be sad sometimes still. This much later after. But in the midst of the pain, if we allow ourselves to go through it, then beautiful, straight teeth wait at the end. Or an amazing husband, or job, or family, or or or....

I sometimes still don't understand the hurts I've been through, go through still. But I know that for whatever purpose, I am. Because God has seen in me something that needs worked on, something that needs grown or something that needs tweaked. And if we stop in the midst of it, we'll never get to the other side of it.

What did my dreams teach me? To not let others control me, to let myself feel the pain, something beautiful is waiting for me at the end. I have the big, gleaming smile to prove it!

Blessings. Through tears...

Had a bad day. Despite my darndest to be positive and optimistic and encouraged, I still spent a better part of the day crying. While at work. Always fun trying to look professional with mascara lines ala Tammy Faye Baker. So on the way home I do what any normal, emotional, neurotic person does. Put a song on repeat, sang my heart out and cried my tears. Laura Story's "Blessings" was that anthem today.

"What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your blessings in disguise..."

I woke up knowing I was going to sell 2 houses today. Just knew it. I didn't. My partners did. The frustration of losing sales got the best of me and I was disappointed and the tears came. But the tears came as I was sitting at my desk in my office in a beautiful model home where I work. My job is a huge blessing to me. I heard twice today that for various reasons people wouldnt be buying from me but they appreciated who I was, my honesty, my sincerity. I prayed today on my way to work, as I often do, for the people I would encounter, that I would be able to give them what they needed. In my mind that's a house. Maybe they needed to be shown kindness, honesty, sincerity. Sometimes I forget how the kindness of strangers got me through some of my darkest days.

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world cant satisfy. And what if trials of this life, the rains, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise."

Jonas has been in my dreams every night for months. Sometimes I wake up crying, sometimes I wake up with a smile at a memory. He is in my prayers everyday. Today I found out he doesnt live in FL. It was hard enough knowing he was in Daytona and not being able to see him. Not knowing what state he lives in cut my heart in 2. No one tells you how to grieve a child who has other parents, who is still somewhere, just no where you can see or feel or hear him. No one knows how to help you get over the loss of that.

I've had a little boy I loved more than anything call me Missy. I have 3 kids I love now who call me Melissa. I'm married to a man who is wanting to give me a baby who calls me Mommy. I've had the blessings of being able to love with a mother's heart to special kids. I cant wait for the blessing of being able to love my own baby.

"When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart, this is not our home."

A year ago today I met Jason. After such a disappointing, frustrating, sad day I came home to candles, music, dinner, flowers and my husband waiting for me with a hug. Doesnt make the pain and fear and confusion go away but I have an amazingly special man beside me on this journey I'm on. I'm blessed. Through rain, through tears, through sleepless nights. I have a God who has more for me than I can imagine and a husband who I still can't believe I get to call mine.

I'm blessed. Even on the sad, frustrating days when life seems to be a confusing mess of crazy, I'm reminded that even in the midst of pain, God's mercy is in there somewhere. Always. And the lesson isn't in the answer, the lesson is in the lesson. Imagine that...

From where I stand...

Tonight I saw a beautiful rainbow. I'm not a beautiful rainbow person right now. I've been more of a curse the rain kind of gal lately. But this one was literally right outside my office window at the end of a very long, frustrating day. It looked close enough to touch. It was beautiful. Came right after a fierce 5 minute storm. Hmm...

A year. One year ago my life was so completely different. Everyday I am thankful for where I am now. One year ago if you would have told me that I would be settled into a job I love, married to a man who is one of the best men I've ever known, living in a home with all my stuff, planning my future with my husband, I would have laughed in your face. Really, in your face.

A moment. I know how fast things can change. A sweet, kind woman I met years ago when we worked for the same company was killed in a car wreck a week ago. She was on her way to work. She left behind a husband, children, grandchildren. She didn't do anything wrong. Someone else did. She was t boned because someone else ran a red light. So many people's lives changed in a moment. A single moment that no one can take back.

A stress. Some things I still can't let go of. Going through the past 4 years has made me grow in a lot of ways. It's also exacerbated some bad qualities. Namely, OCD and Control Freakitis. I know, shocking on both accounts. Letting go of the control is still a white knuckled effort. Daily. I pray about this. I'm trying.

A worry. Jason and I are planning for our future. While living our lives day to day. I'm still learning that. How to live in the now while planning for the tomorrows. It's not easy. I'm a planner. Drives him crazy. Me too if I'm being honest. We have some big things coming up and I know that God has a plan. The last year of mine and Jason's life is a big, fat, flashing, neon sign of "I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU, TRUST ME!" Not sure why this is so hard to remember. Nothing is a surprise to God. Control freak needs to let go and let God. Still. Always.

A hurt. Some people just don't get it. They will always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Some people just don't care. Some are going through their own things and don't have much left to pay attention to much else. I am learning, slowly, that I can't change people. I can't make people do better, be better, act better or care more. I can pray for them. I can be the person I wish them to be. The burden doesnt fall on me to keep it together for everyone. The burden doesnt fall in my lap to make sure that everyone else is ok. I have a skewed vision of where compassion and care turns into people pleasing and fixer. I'm a work in progress.

What's the point of this? Today as I was planning for my tomorrows, upset with answers people were giving me, crying because of disappointing news I got, beating my head against the wall because of frustrations, wondering how in the world things will work themselves out when to me they just seem to be a big mess that wont add up no matter how much I control them and want them too...

I saw a double rainbow. From my window I saw this beautiful rainbow that seemed close enough to touch that was pretty but quite honestly, kind of lost on me. As I got in my car and was driving home, with nothing but trees on either side of me and a road in front of me I saw the biggest rainbow I've ever seen. And right above it I saw another one.

From my perspective things are confusing. I have a beautiful husband and job and house and family and kids I adore. But things are scary and frustrating and confusing and and and and....Until I get rid of the clutter and see from God's perspective that he has it all under control. After a 5 minute fierce storm he sent me a rainbow. And when I failed to see the lesson in one, he sent me 2.

From where I stand I'll never understand everything I want to. But I'm not meant to. It's when I'm on my knees in prayer that I have a more clear picture than I ever could have on my own 2 feet.

From where I stand, I know, somewhere there is the big, fat, flashing, neon sign that shouts "I HAVE A PLAN, TRUST ME...."

I'm blessed. More and more everyday!

You can't outrun grace..

So looks like my last update was on my bday. What a great bday it was. I have seriously neglected my blog, not sure how many readers of it are out there but if anyone's left, sorry for the delay. I've been busy, to say the least.

In 11 days I'll become Mrs Jason Neu. YIKES! In a great way of course. Was told by an old, married for 60+ years couple years ago that the secret to a long happy life is marrying the person you can't live without. I've found my Mr Cant Live Without. It's funny all the cliches in life. And it's annoying when you use them but I guess they are around because they are true. He makes me want to be a better person. He does complete a part of me I wasnt sure would ever be completed. Didn't know it wasnt, to be honest, until he filled it.

Life is more chaotic than ever. Planning a wedding (THANKS MOM) working crazy trying to sell as many houses as I can (THANKS GOD) planning for our honeymoon (THANKS UT for having spring skiing)....

I've been doing pretty well keeping my anxiety and freak outs to a minimum. Maybe it'd be best if we didn't confirm that with Jason, take my word for it. But with that being said, I've had some restless nights where I can't turn my brain off. Shocking, I know. So sad though, and funny, and typical, if I'd let go and really just let God do what he has planned, it all works out, according to His plan for my life....I was worried about things that worked out better than I imagined, and all I can do is laugh through my tears. God always wants better for us than we want for ourselves, in His time! If we'd get out of our own way, we'd be able to see that more often than we let ourselves.

What can change in a year? Everything. I don't have to read back over my blog to know I was in such a different place this time last March 1. I was unemployed. I was living with my parents trying to pull myself back together. I was dating the wrong people. Now I have the love of such a special man who amazes me everyday. His 3 special children. A job that I look forward to going to everyday. A job that I'm successful at. A place of my own. Looking for a home of our own. Getting married. Starting new chapters....

You can't outrun grace. And believe me, I tried. I didn't feel deserving. I've been a Christian for over 25 years and only recently have I really understood grace. Or maybe better yet, believed in true grace. Over the past 3 years I've had more highs, lows, peaks and valleys than I ever imagined possible. I don't know the why's of everything I went through. But I know who it's made me. Who I've allowed it to make me into. I'm more compassionate. I'm more forgiving. I'm more trusting and I'm happier than I've ever been.

The moments of missing J are still there. I pray for him everyday. The desire for a family has been answered in a big way. I pray that God will bless our family and prepare us for His best in our lives in HIS timing. Had I found Jason last year I might have looked right through him. Not because I wouldnt have seen the beauty in him but because I wasn't ready to let him see the beauty in me. And I have never felt more beautiful in my life.

I don't know that I'll be able to update before the wedding so I'm signing off as Melissa Nicole Harris Billington...leaving that behind. Starting fresh and so excited to see what God has in store for me and my Mr....