We got twins y'all

My babies first picture!  Wow!  That is my name in the top left corner and those are pictures of my babies that are growing in my belly!  Amazed!

We went in for an ultrasound this morning and was told it may be too soon to hear the heartbeats.  Babies knew now badly we wanted to hear them, so the overachievers that they are, didn't disappoint.  Can't even put into words what it felt like laying there looking at my babies hearts beating!  And then to hear them!  Amazed!!

The kids are so excited.  We had them this weekend and they all climbed up in bed and we talked about baby names.  Every few hours L would come in bed and say, "You want to go over your favorite names again?"  I am so happy that they are so excited about their baby siblings!

They are also loving that I am having cravings.  Sat we had pizza for lunch and then their Nana took them for ice cream.  Then the ice cream man came through the neighborhood and we got some sno cones before dinner.  They were loving it.  Sunday we had to go to Target before dinner to find me some pants that fit and I was hungry so we got a pretzel and icee.  K was like, I LOVE you being pregnant and us getting snacks like this before dinner.  Setting a great example!

The kids got me our first baby gift.  Some onesies and bibs.  So cute.  I am so amazed that I am where I am.  Married to my best friend, surrounded by more love and encouragement from friends and family than we could imagine, the kids so beyond excited and 2 miracles growing strong inside of my body.

They are sucking the life out of me.  They are making me sick.  They are making me crave weird things.  They are making me weepy.  They are making me crazy.  I couldnt figure out how to get out of Target the other day.  I kept walking back and forth between the 2 sets of doors because I couldnt figure which one was the exit.  K was finally like, uh, Melissa, we can go out either.  They are making me feel more, love more and believe more.  Through sheer will, determination, love, miracle, prayer and strength we have what we have been hoping for.  I am carrying my husbands babies!!

AMAZING!!!

We are released to the obgyn.  The nurses and dr's were hugging us and congratulating us and it just felt like we were part of something so special.  We created life.  Inside of me.  Absolutely amazing.

I'm blessed with so much more than I deserve.  God placed this on my heart long ago and to have Him trust me to be the momma to 2 baby tadpoles right now is the most humbling of experiences I've ever had.  My cup (my cups actually, whoa my boobs are rapidly growing!) is seriously running over!

Amazing, Amazing, Amazing!

Who gains 23lbs in 1 week?

This Girl!!

So I've got this dreaded OHSS and I've been in bed for a week.  I'm going absolutely stir crazy.  But why do I have this dreaded OHSS?  Because I'm pregnant!!  And if this is the crap I have to put up with for a few more weeks, I will do it.

I'm on a high salt diet still.  Doesn't help the weight gain but apparently it's helping keep the fluid in my blood and out of my stomach.  You wouldn't know it by looking at me.  I'm praying that the bloating and swelling starts to subside because I really don't think I could take another "tapping" on Wednesday as is currently the plan. 

I'm choosing to look on the positive side of things.  I know when I was young I used to put a pillow under my shirt to try to get an idea of what I would look like pregnant.  Well I'm getting a pretty solid glimpse into what my pregnant belly will look like at 5/6 months.  Who gets that glimpse so early in their pregnancy?

I can't wait to feel the baby/babies moving around.  Can't wait to find out how many we have growing inside me. I can't wait to see what these little miracles are going to look like.  One thing I do know, God has some special plans for our baby.  Everything we have been through has been a testament to that.  We haven't given up, we've never stopped believing and we pray everyday for the life that I'm growing. 

Maybe shopping for maternity clothes and granny panties isn't what most pregnant mommas are doing so soon but that hasn't stopped me.  I have never done anything by the book.  This stupid OHSS isn't common and I got it, of course.  For some reason, I'm not sure of the why's other than the obvious.  The PCOS I have, the amount of eggs they got.  But it's all good.  Everything up until this point happened to get me pregnant, this is as bad as it is because I'm pregnant and ARE YOU READING ME I'M PREGNANT!!! 

I don't know that I will ever get tired of saying that.  I'm so blessed.  God has given me so much and I'm so in awe of how much He loves me.  How much He cares for me.  How much He wants to show me.  This week in bed has given me the quiet time I needed to praise my God, thank my God and reflect on all I have. 

So.  Hopefully we all know I'm thankful and blessed and have a GREAT idea of what I'll look like at 6 months pregnant and hopefully this week I can get back to my life.  To work, to feeling human, to being able to get out of bed for more than an hour.  But regardless, whereever I am, I AM PREGNANT and looking forward to and believing I will be strong and healthy in this pregnancy for the next 8 months!!

Yeehaw!

Pregnant and TMI

I don't even know if it's hit me yet that I'm pregnant.  I have known all along that I was.  God has planted so many dreams in my heart that for the answer to be anything other than positive just wasn't possible.  I have the symptoms, moody being the most prevelant, I know it in my heart, I heard the nurse and doc confirm it, it's just still a little hard to believe.

Finally.

I can't put into words what I feel for everyone who has so faithfully stood in prayer with us for this miracle.  Overwhelmed for sure.  Humbled, inspired, so appreciative.  How great it is to be able to share with people an answer to the very prayer that they have prayed you to.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So, that's the rainbows and butterflies.  Of which my mom has seen many the past few weeks.  When I asked ladies about their IVF journey I was told it wasn't too bad and it was worth it.  My answer is probably a little different but then I think, when the prize is a baby, the fight doesn't compare.  So I understand their answers weren't flippant, they were sincere.  It is worth it.

With that being said, I don't know that I've ever had such a hard 3 weeks.  I don't want this to overshadow the pure joy we feel but this has been an honest blog and will continue to be.  And I need my prayer warriors to continue to stand with us. 

I have something called OHSS.  Basically my ovaries are still VERY large and now that my body is making it's own hormones due to my pregnancy, it is really causing a lot of problems.  I gained 15 lbs after my egg retrieval.  All in my belly, it was hard to breathe, I couldnt go to the bathroom, blah blah.  Then it subsided and I felt good.  Sunday at work I started cramping and as the night went on the worse I felt.  Monday I was miserable and bloated, sick to my stomach and faint.  Tuesday I tried to go to work and lasted an hour.  Called the dr and they wanted to see me that day. I hyperstimulated.  My stomach is full of fluid and that's why I couldnt breathe.  The good news was this happens when you are pregnant so we had a good feeling that the blood test they did would give us positive results.  Dr suggested "tapping" me on Fri to drain some of that fluid.  He also told me not to drink water as it leaks out of my blood into my stomach, to drink only half a gallon of gatorade.  Jason's ears perked up when he told me to eat a diet high in salt.  Chips, fries, Mexican, BBQ, chicken, Pizza... The salt in the food would absorb the extra water.  Sounds good huh?  Except I was now up 13 lbs in 3 days and absolutely miserable.  They decided to drain me this morning. 

Those who have a queezy stomach, I'd suggest you exit now.

I'm laying on the same table they did my retrieval and transfer on only this time the Dr pulls out a needle that is 2' long.  That't not inches.  And it's not the width or guage or whatever of the needles I've been shooting myself with the past month.  This is huge.  He inserts it where things shouldnt be inserted and tells me to cough and when I cough, which feels like I'm being gutted because I'm so bloated, he inserts that needle.  WORST. PAIN. EVER!  Swear to you it feels worse than it sounds.  He drained 9 bottles and thought he was done and pulls out the needle.  I'm screaming on the table at this point and cant stop sobbing.  Then he sees more fluid in another location so stabs me again and it was worse than the first time.  All together they got 11 bottles of fluid out of me.  That equalled a 7lb weight loss if anyone cares.  I went from looking 5 months pregnant to 3.  Unfortunately the stomach will fill back up and I will probably have to go through this again next Wed.  But my God is big enough to get rid of this OHSS. 

It's early to be sharing pregnancy news, I know.  But with all that we have been through and will this now, I felt it important to share so that those who feel lead can continue to lift us up in prayer.  We find out in 2 weeks how many babies we have.  Dr seems to think 1.  I am feeling like there are twins but regardless, the miracle growing inside me will be more than enough.

I am so blessed because for whatever reason God has placed me on this journey, He has paved the side lines with the most amazing prayer friends I could have ever hoped for.  Where 2 or more are gathered, the more people to celebrate the amazing answer to prayer that is me being pregnant with my handsome husband's baby.  And everything else will fall back as only a small part of my baby story when we are holding our answers to so many prayers this spring.

xoxo Momma Neu :)

You can call me Momma

So my emotions are kind of all over the place.  Shocking to all who know me, right?  For whatever reason I wasn't super emotional during the shooting up with tons of hormones portion of the IVF fun.  I was very emotional when I was going through this a few months back but I wasn't weepy.  I was down right mean but I don't put that in the emotional category.  Lately I've been kind of weepy.  I'm assuming I will be that way for the foreseeable future.

We took the kids to see the Odd Life of Timothy Green.  It was a good movie with a great story.   It hit me pretty hard for many reasons.  I love the kids I have in my life.  They are very sweet, they are funny, they are good.  I feel blessed to be part of their life.  I miss the one little guy who I'm sure is no longer so little that is no longer part of my life. He is forever and always part of my heart and in so many memories but I miss him.  All the time.  The kids have taken a liking to laying in bed with us and lounging and laughing and just being a family who lays in the parents bed and talks to each other.  Doesn't sound like that big of a deal to most parents I'm sure. One of those things you take for granted because you've always done it.  We haven't.  I don't know if they weren't comfortable, if I wasn't comfortable or if it's just a place we had to get to.  I have missed having kids in my bed.  Some of my fondest memories of me and J were us laying together in my bed and telling stories to each other.  About everything.  Nothing fancy, nothing expected, nothing more than just a mom and her boy loving being together.  I've missed that.  I miss him.  So much.

He taught me to love.  He taught me what it means to love someone in a such a different, whole, completely unconditional way.  He was my best bud.  He was the light of my life.  He taught me that I was always enough.  More than enough.  I was his Missy.  The mom I am today to those 3 special kids is because I got 4 years with a very special boy who has my heart somewhere in NC.  He taught me so much.

I've loved 4 kids as a mom.  I've had a hand in raising all of them, of loving them, of trying to be a Christian example, a fun, creative mom who gets to spend some time with them each week or most of the week or not for a few years but loving and praying from a far, I've learned how to love with a mother's heart because those 4 kids have let me love them. 

I can't even put into words how much I'm looking forward to loving the babies that will come from me and Jason.  Kids that don't have to go away or we only get to see some of the time or kids we only can love from a distance.  And we get to share our babies with 3 of the sweetest kids I know.  Who are so looking forward to having a baby brother or sister or both or more.  They are immune to the ugly that tries to taint their minds and hearts.  They are comfortable enough in our love for them that they know we are growing our family to share the love we have.  Not to take anything away from what we have with them.

God has been preparing me for this beginning for a very long time.  I"ve been a Missy, I've been a Melissa, I know with all that I am that so very soon, with God's blessing, I will be a Momma to some very sweet babies.

Blessed because I am constantly reminded of God's grace, mercy and love.  And in the next week I am praying that we will celebrate what I already know in my heart to be true.