In the meantime...

Right now I am back in the meantime.  It's not someplace I missed.

I don't understand anything that has happened.  I know I'm not meant to but as someone who likes to have things wrapped up in a neat little bow, none of this makes sense and I have to fight to keep the anger away.

I don't know what the purpose of the past 3 weeks is.  I never lost hope.  I never lost faith.  I still haven't.  In the midst of the greatest pain I have ever known, the heart of who I am says that God is still in control and Jason and I will have better.  Our pain isn't forever.   I get that.  Even though right now it doesn't feel that way.

I feel cheated.  I'm praying that God understands all these emotions because I'm trying my best to fight them off but right now I'm just angry and feel cheated.  I also feel naive.  I thought because of all we had been through that we were safe.  I'd lost J, surely my babies would be ok.  It took great means for us to get pregnant, that had to mean that we'd have 2 healthy babies.  I was so sick my entire pregnancy, what kind of cruel joke would it be if something happened to the babies?  In the times I was scared because I wondered what all the sickness and throwing up might be doing to my boys, in my heart I thought, well maybe that's why God gave us twins.  Something may happen to one but no way could something happen to both.

I've been stripped completely bare.  3 weeks ago I had everything I wanted.  Now I am empty.  I have my husband and I have my parents and family.  I don't understand what lesson there is in this.  I know there has to be a lesson because God isn't a mean God.  Just nothing makes sense.  In the hospital I had dreams of breastfeeding Fletcher after we lost Tucker.  I couldnt imagine that I would have such vivid dreams if it wasn't going to be.  2 nights before we lost Fletcher, one of the other moms in the hospital on bedrest gave out cards of encouragement.  Mine was a butterfly.  We all started crying, thanking God for the sign that has held and sustained us for so many years.

I'm not questioning, please know that.  At least I'm not questioning why me, why us.  I just don't understand what all this means.  I can't believe that the babies just couldnt make it and that is the end.  Up until hours before I delivered them we saw them moving, their hearts beating strong.  They both lived.  Fletcher longer than Tucker.  It was amazing to see how much bigger he was than his brother.  What a difference 11 days makes.  4 more weeks in his home inside of me and he might have had a fighting chance.

I don't understand why this is my testimony.  I don't yet see how being a mom to 2 babies that didn't make it can glorify God any bigger than if I was holding each of them in the spring.  I do know that God has placed dreams in my heart and they have done nothing but grow stronger.  I am angry but I trust that God is ok with that.  My heart is empty and broken but I know, from experience, that scar tissue is stronger than regular, unscarred tissue.  I know that for whatever reason I'm in this place, it's never been more important to not miss such an experience, such a lesson.  I just wish I knew what that was.

I'm blessed.  Right now I'm blessed because even though I've been bent further than I ever have, and as much as I feel like I'm breaking, I know I'm not.  God will use me, this experience, somehow for His good if I allow Him to.

I thank you once again for your understanding of my heart.  This blog is honest and today it's hard to be ok but I will be.  The prayers of so many people have gotten us here and I thank you.  I never expected this to be part of who I am but God brought me here, I know He'll be faithful to see us through.