Tuesday, March 1, 2011

You can't outrun grace..

So looks like my last update was on my bday. What a great bday it was. I have seriously neglected my blog, not sure how many readers of it are out there but if anyone's left, sorry for the delay. I've been busy, to say the least.

In 11 days I'll become Mrs Jason Neu. YIKES! In a great way of course. Was told by an old, married for 60+ years couple years ago that the secret to a long happy life is marrying the person you can't live without. I've found my Mr Cant Live Without. It's funny all the cliches in life. And it's annoying when you use them but I guess they are around because they are true. He makes me want to be a better person. He does complete a part of me I wasnt sure would ever be completed. Didn't know it wasnt, to be honest, until he filled it.

Life is more chaotic than ever. Planning a wedding (THANKS MOM) working crazy trying to sell as many houses as I can (THANKS GOD) planning for our honeymoon (THANKS UT for having spring skiing)....

I've been doing pretty well keeping my anxiety and freak outs to a minimum. Maybe it'd be best if we didn't confirm that with Jason, take my word for it. But with that being said, I've had some restless nights where I can't turn my brain off. Shocking, I know. So sad though, and funny, and typical, if I'd let go and really just let God do what he has planned, it all works out, according to His plan for my life....I was worried about things that worked out better than I imagined, and all I can do is laugh through my tears. God always wants better for us than we want for ourselves, in His time! If we'd get out of our own way, we'd be able to see that more often than we let ourselves.

What can change in a year? Everything. I don't have to read back over my blog to know I was in such a different place this time last March 1. I was unemployed. I was living with my parents trying to pull myself back together. I was dating the wrong people. Now I have the love of such a special man who amazes me everyday. His 3 special children. A job that I look forward to going to everyday. A job that I'm successful at. A place of my own. Looking for a home of our own. Getting married. Starting new chapters....

You can't outrun grace. And believe me, I tried. I didn't feel deserving. I've been a Christian for over 25 years and only recently have I really understood grace. Or maybe better yet, believed in true grace. Over the past 3 years I've had more highs, lows, peaks and valleys than I ever imagined possible. I don't know the why's of everything I went through. But I know who it's made me. Who I've allowed it to make me into. I'm more compassionate. I'm more forgiving. I'm more trusting and I'm happier than I've ever been.

The moments of missing J are still there. I pray for him everyday. The desire for a family has been answered in a big way. I pray that God will bless our family and prepare us for His best in our lives in HIS timing. Had I found Jason last year I might have looked right through him. Not because I wouldnt have seen the beauty in him but because I wasn't ready to let him see the beauty in me. And I have never felt more beautiful in my life.

I don't know that I'll be able to update before the wedding so I'm signing off as Melissa Nicole Harris Billington...leaving that behind. Starting fresh and so excited to see what God has in store for me and my Mr....