Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Half Past Crazy and High Risk

Jason went to Walgreens for me the other day.  He came home with pee pads, starburst and a netty pot.  Apparently he told the cashier he was shopping for his grandmother.  Thanks babe!

Had our first appointment with the high risk dr today.  There were 2 ladies in the waiting room with us at one point.  They were both in their late 40's I'd guess and both were working on 7 kids.  One lady was pregnant with her 3rd set of twins.  Yowza!

Love the Dr and his staff.  He wasn't overly concerned with my "huge ovaries" and extra fluid but he said that with me having severe OHSS (severe, good to know it was a lot worse than I knew) and twins he was going to be keeping a very close eye on us, this was going to be fun and he read my chart and knew we were trouble.  Awesome.  He has a good sense of humor which I appreciate and great bedside manner.  His foreign accent didn't hurt either!

I'll be seeing them every 4 weeks.  And my regular OB every 4 weeks and they are staggered so looks like we are going to get to see the nuggets every 2 weeks.  Hearing their heartbeats is always exciting but today they were moving all over the place.  They had us in a super fancy room and had the monitor linked to a big screen tv so we got to see the babies on the big screen moving and wiggling all around.  Simply amazing.  I have 2 healthy, mobile babies growing inside of me.  Blows my mind.  The nurse was trying to measure them and baby A was moving so much she had a hard time.  They were laughing and said we were going to have our hands full.  Better full than empty I say.

The amount of crazy I see and hear and am part of or a by product of lately is blowing my mind.  Seriously.  I have a short fuse from being couped up for the better part of 2 months and I guess just the normal hormonal changes going on inside me but seriously, I can't take it.  Watching the debates and presidential candidates commercials and all is about to drive me over the edge.  Having people in my life who are sick and have brainwashed people I love makes me want to punch something.  I don't know how it's possible for people to turn so ugly and mean and disgusting.  I don't know how others have so much control and power.  I despise people that are praying on what they determine the weak to be when in all honesty they aren't weak, they are loving, kind, caring people who are getting nothing but the crap end of the stick.

Over it.

I can control what I can control and I have to let go of what I can't.  For me, for my babies, for my sanity.  There is so much good, so many loving people, so many wonderful things that are happening in our lives, I'm trying desperately not to let the actions of a few people wear me down too much.  When you expect better of people, when you know they should be decent and instead are demented it can take you to a dark place.  I'm praying God guides my prayers in the right way for these people, for my heart not to be hardened and for my family to be put back together as it should. 

Satan finds any crack, any opening, any opportunity to wreck havoc on those who love and live for God.  Living proof of that right now.  Not going to give him an opening.  My feet are planted firmly on solid ground, littered with starburst wrappers.

Blessed because even though my life has crazy in it, crazy is at arm's length and I can step back.  My babies will be brought into a loving environment full of the people that matter.  Parents, siblings, grandparents, family and friends.  Satan is not invited. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

Step Monster and Limes

Our babies are the size of limes.  Matched with my ovaries that are the size of grapefruits it's no surprise I pee all the time.  I worry I will soon start to smell like a nursing home.  The pressure is getting greater, hopefully from the babies becoming fruit and not my ovaries growing more.

7% of woman have pee problems this soon in pregnancy.  I have pretty much hit and exceeded all the low percentage of things happening during IVF and pregnancy.  These babies are worth it.  Makes for good stories at least.  And I'll be keeping the granny panty companies in business for the next 6 months.

I have a pretty good idea of what kind of mother I'll be.  One who encourages and is involved and is creative and fun.  Who loses her temper when pushed to the edge.  Who cries when her babies are hurting and she can't help or make it better.  Who prays for her kids every day and night that they will be what God has made them to be, that she will be able to raise them with love, grace, compassion and unconditional acceptance, and will always push them to find the good in people. 

I've been a step mother 2 times in my life.  The first time was deceptive to what being a step parent means because I got the pleasure and joy of raising J alone a lot of the time.  I potty trained, I taught abc's, I disciplined, I loved, we made memories, we had fun, we did what we wanted to do with not a lot of outside influence. 

This time is different.  The kids are older, their personalities were already set when I came into their lives.  We don't have them full time.  They have a life outside of Jason and I and we try to make the time we have with them as great as we can.  But it's not a party at the Neu's when we have them.  We don't try to put as much into a night or weekend as we can.  We do family things.  We have fun.  We do crafts.  We play.  We do homework.  We clean house.  We disagree about things.  We pray together.  We laugh together.  We get frustrated.  We cry.  We make memories.  We have rules and we have expectations of how we are going to be and treat each other.  Some times we stumble.  We never stop trying. 

We are pregnant, yes.  We're going to have 2 more kids to add to the chaos and love and crazy and fun.  We will face some growing times and some growing pains.  I know we'll have a wonderful life with 7 people who love, respect and appreciate each other.  I know that we will work on that, pray for that and strive for that everyday.  In the face of trials and struggle and pain that faces every family we will never give up and never throw in the towel. 

Life changes.  You can control some things, others you can't.  I have people in my life that break my heart.  I have hurt and pain that some people I expected to be beside me on this pregnancy journey have decided not to make the trek along with me, it's not my loss.  They say they pray for me.  I'd rather maybe they just talk to me.  Others won't say a word to me but assume they know me, they don't.  I'm not a monster, I'm not a fake, I'm not a nasty person.  I'm someone who has been given a lot and when much is given much is expected.  I'm doing the best I can.  And I'm learning, slowly and daily, that I can control what I can and God will and always has taken care of the rest.

Blessed because at the end of the day I have a beautiful man who is the father of my children, loving families and a wonderful life.  For that, I can't be mad. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Oh what beautiful blobs

Well folks, it's legit.  I have pamphlets and everything.  Oh and how'd that pic of my babies get put in there?  Ha, get used to seeing that.  I will be only slightly more than completely obnoxious with pictures of my beautiful babies.  Who are perfect, btw.  Heartbeats were 174 and 168, they are measuring right at 9w2d, well the one who will be the overachiever measured 9w4d but Dr says everything was absolutely great.  Thankfully I had Jason there to point out what the blobs were.  He is good at telling heads from tails, literally.  Me, not so much. 

Do you know what this means?   I'm still really pregnant.  And we're really going to have 2 babies come next year.  Holy crap!  We do it big around here!  I mean, duh, clearly I've been pregnant but I had a real appt where they talked to me about how much weight to gain during pregnancy, funny story there, about my csection, birthing classes, hospital tours, high rish Dr's I will be seeing....It's REAL!!

Real scary.

But exciting.

But scary.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken to youtube to reseach tandem breastfeeding.  Yikes!

Have a nice day.

I don't think it had completely sunk in because I have just felt so completely out of sorts lately.  For the better part of 2 months I have felt awful, have been mostly in bed and just really sick. I went from the OHSS to extreme morning sickness that is relentless.  I was starting to feel a lil crazy. 

Today we had our first official prenatal visit at the OB's office and I have been to an OBGYN since I was like 13 (thanks awful periods) so I'm quite familiar there but going as a pregnany lady..DIFFERENT!!  SO emotional.  It really does mama's heart good to hear her babies hearts beating so excitedly.  It's still amazing to me that God has trusted me with such a beautiful and amazing gift.  Times two! 

So I still have left over fluid.  Clearly as I'm still up on the scale, even though I'm down from vomitting.  Nothing is ever as it should be.  My prepregnancy weight was 20 lbs less than what I weigh now.  Now I need to remind you for my sanity and vanity that I gained 23 lbs in a week.  1 week.  23 lbs.  And today after the ultrasound they see that I still have extra fluid waiting to be sucked back in.  And also my ovaries that should be the size of prunes are the size of grapefruits.  Times Two.  Two oversized ovaries causing me pain when I move, pressing on my stomach and making me sick on top of severe morning sickness.  I digress.  I am supposed to keep my total weight gain around 30 lbs.  Ha.  No problem.  7 months, 10 lbs.  She told me that then was like, uh well, this extra fluid has kind of thrown a wrench in that.  I'll probably grow to be the size of a barn but know why?  CAUSE I'M PREGNANT WITH TWINS.  Never gets old saying that!  

I'm having Jason's babies.  2 of them.  Absolustely amazed and humbled.  I don't know what God saw in us to trust us with such a big blessing but I won't question, I'll just thank Him, as I do everyday.  I am growing babies.  They have hearts and arms and legs and elbows.  It's simply amazing and I'm just so in love.

I'm blessed because even through I never doubted that God would answer the dream He placed so strongly in my heart, the overwhelming joy of being in the middle of His grace and blessing and favor takes this gal back.  I have a loving husband, we have supportive families and friends who are so excited for us.  And God is preparing us for even more that we can't even imagine.  I know that, I am living that.

Pregnant.  With twins.  So in love already! 

Friday, October 5, 2012

Head in the clouds. And toilet

Well the good new is I am definitely pregnant.  And I have heard that bad morning sickness is a good indication that the babies are doing well.  As true to form with our overachieving babies, they must be super healthy as I am super pukey for the better part of 24/7.

Last week I spent some time in the hospital.  Couldn't keep anything down and was getting dehydrated. So I was hooked up to IV fluids and anti nausea meds.  They wanted to keep my longer than they did but I was so seriously *this close* to losing it, they sent me home with a script for 2 meds.

I'd like to say that has helped but it hasn't.  They added a 3rd medicine into the mix and I think it's starting to work.  I'm down to throwing up 4-5 times a day.

Pregnancy brain is a very real thing.  I have pretty much lost my mind and any common sense I had, which we all know wasn't much.  I am not able to do much.  I go from tired to exhausted in 2 seconds and get dizzy and light headed.  I pass out too, fun times for all.  I haven't worked in a long time, I've been on bed rest for the better part of 2 months it seems.  Going from the OHSS where I was absolutely miserable in pain and bloated to non stop motion sickness which I am pretty sure is the worst kind of sick to be.

Why has it been so long since I've blogged?  Because I haven't wanted to complain.  I am trying so hard not to complain but I am so over being sick and tired and confined to my bed for 20 hours of the day.  Jason has stepped up major with the housework.  He has to.  Because the 1 time I tried to do something I almost cost us hundreds of dollars.

I decided since I was spending so much time with my face in the toilet that I needed to clean it.  We had these disposable toilet wand cleaner things that work well.  You  flush them after you use them.  Then we bought some cleaning toilet bowl sponge things that you don't flush.  Guess which ones I used.  And then flushed.  And then tried to stop from going down the drain with the stick.  Didn't work.  Then I threw up in the toilet. Which didn't flush so well.  Because some idiot flushed a sponge.  So, I had to admit to Jason what I had done.  He was not too happy that 1. I had flushed it and 2. That I waited until after I threw up on top of what I had flushed to let him know that he had to go in after it.  I'm pretty sure he wanted to kill me.  I actually saw it in his eyes.  He doesn't do vomit.  At all.  He was a trooper and tried to get it.  After he had put a garbage bag over his arm with 2 rubber gloves TAPED with electrical tape.  He didn't get it.  He had to take the toilet apart.

I have gotten out of housework.

I am also bi-polar and crazy.  And of the 3 dinners I eat each night, 1 usually stays down.  I cry a lot, I am frustrated a lot, I am annoyed very easily.  I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy because it is such an answer to so so many prayers but let's be honest, right now I'm doing well not to throw up at every smell, sound and smell.  Seriously, what is up with the super human smell ability? I don't need or want this.

When I was in the hospital and nurses came in they would ask if I was pregnant and I've always been so used to saying no that it took some getting used to saying yes.  And then I got to say over and over I have twins.  I have TWO babies growing strong inside me.  Amazing.  During the ultrasosund in the hospital it was pretty scary.  The tech wasn't exactly sure what she was looking at because I guess I am still a complete wreck inside.  My ovaries are still huge, they are covered with cysts and I still had a lot of fluid in there.  She looks confused and when I asked if she saw the babies and were they ok, she said she wasn't sure she'd have to get the Dr.  My heart dropped and I looked at Jason and he looked panicked and then I had a peace wash over me.  Then when she got her bearings inside the chaos that is my insides, she saw Baby A and Baby B and they both looked beautiful and strong with strong heartbeats.

I never take the easy path.  Ever.  But I have come to find that my endings are always more than I expected.  These babies just want me to think of them, constantly and always I guess.  Jason read them their first bedtime story the other night.  How it is so possible to already be so in love with 2 babies that make me puke my guts out, cry more than not and sleep more than I thought possible, I cannot even imagine how much my heart will explode when I am holding mine and Jason's miracles...

That day can't get here fast enough.  Blessed because God saw us fit to make that our reality.   Now if you'll excuse me, I have some ice cream to eat before I throw it up.  Xo