Friday, November 23, 2012

Oh Boy!

I thought for sure I had a baby boy and girl growing inside me.  I've dreamed about both enough to think I was for sure having both.

We went for the 4D ultrasound on Wed and we told the lady we didn't want to know the sex of either.  We planned a gender reveal party that evening with the kids, our parents and our family that was in for Thanksgiving.  I laid on the table and Jason was sitting in front of a huge TV that was playing the sonogram.  It was amazing to see the little babes in 4D.  Baby A was kicking away at Baby B who lays on top.  They were flipping and moving and spooning each other.  Both babies were sucking on their thumbs which was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.  Still kind of amazes me that I have 2 babies that are so active and I can't feel them moving.

At one point she told us to look away as she was zeroing in on the money shots.  Jason was looking and thought he knew what he was looking at.  Afterwards as I went to the bathroom he asked if he was correct in what he thought Baby A was and she confirmed it.  We both stepped out as she called the cake lady for us and told her the sexes.  Cake lady then went to work pumping in either pink or blue frosting in the middle of 2 cupcakes.

Jason has been pestering me for a long time that we should find out and act surprised.  Acting is not one of his God given talents.  And that man cannot stand to not know what gifts are or surprises or anything.  So he spends the afternoon knowing at least one sex.

Family gets here, we facetime with some out of town family and we gather around the table.  Jason and I grab our cupcakes and I take a huge bite not knowing how far back the icing is and not wanting to miss it.  I see blue and turn the cupcake to him so he can see, as he's doing the same and I'm fulling expecting to see pink and to everyone's surprise there is his half eaten cupcake with blue icing!!  I screamed, I laughed and then it hit me that I am carrying Jason's 2 sons and I nearly started sobbing.  I will never forget that moment of realizing I'm going to have 2 little boys!

There hasn't been a lot of planned announcements with this pregnancy.  Found out I was pregnant kind of by accident because of the OHSS.  Found out when I was in so much pain and being drained that we were having 2.  Finding out, completely surprised, surrounded by the people who mean the most to us was one of the sweetest moments of this pregnancy and one I will replay in my mind often.  I've watched the video hundreds of times.

I thought I wanted a boy and girl because I thought that's what I was having.  I was thinking through all scenarios of boy/boy, girl/girl and boy/girl and wondered if I'd be ok with whatever we have.  Heading to the sonogram I told Jason that I always thought people were lying when they said it didn't matter as long as they were healthy but it's so true.  I know that of the 24 embryos that were viable, we have the 2 that God decided were the best babies for us.  It's amazing the peace that comes with knowing God is giving you what you need.

2 boys.  Oh my goodness!!  We are going to have our hands full and I can't wait.  I had a very special bond with both my nephews but one of them really was attached to me.  The bond I had with J during those 4 years I will never forget.  That I am going to have 2 little, rugged, bruisers of boys that will have the sweet spirit of their Daddy makes me feel more blessed than I ever thought possible.

I've always loved Jason.  During this time of IVF and pregnancy and all we've been through, my love for him has grown.  Knowing that I am carrying his sons has placed a pride and love in my heart I have never had.

I'm going to have 2 baby boys, all mine.  They are going to love their Mama.  That's me!  I'm going to be the Mom to 2 boys.

So beyond blessed that once again, God has shown me what I needed and it was so much more than I expected or deserve!!

Monday, November 12, 2012

UMM...I'm in a national magazine.

Kind of.

I was in contact with the articles editor at Redbook Magazine (completely cool in and of itself) and she asked me to submit a video blog of my experience with infertility up until that point.  It's a Truth in Trying campaign to make couples feel less alone going through a process no one really talks about.  Very humbling to be included in such an important thing and seeing myself, sitting on my couch, on a video that Jason took, with Redbook in the corner of the screen, Crazy!!!

My dream of being published wasn't quite fulfilled in the way I had envisioned but I will take it.  Feels really good when something you want and work towards happens, even if differently than you expected.

Had another Dr appt today.  Still throwing up.  Still sick.  Still nauseated.  So frustrating.  I had a good day on Saturday, felt like I turned the corner and was going to be able to get back to normal.  Had lunch with the families and got really sick on the way home and it hasn't stopped.  I have tried every med they have suggested so as a last ditch effort, they have recommended a pump.  Kind of like an insulin pump, it's going to be in my belly and will give me meds more directly and quickly.  This is what they use a lot of times with cancer patients who get sick from chemo so I'm praying it works.  Home health will be contacting me in the next day or so to set it up.

I broke down (again) at the Dr because I'm just so tired of feeling like this.  It's like the worst car sick feeling that wont go away.  For 3.5 months!  I try not to talk of it much because who wants to hear anyone complain when they have what they have prayed for and asked so many others to join them in prayer for.  But this isn't complaining...this is real life.  I throw up 4-10 times a day, I'm dizzy and I'm just sick.  My attitude lately has been less than pleasant because wanting to enjoy something you wanted to badly only to be stuck in bed or over a toilet sucks!  Dr made me feel better and said it's not complaining when you've been through 4 months of hell with IVF and the drugs that mess with your hormones and then OHSS and then twins that mess even more with hormones.  

Speaking of twins, they were bouncing ALL over the place today.  Next week we find out if mama's intuition of boy and girl are correct.  If they cooperate.  Jason swears he saw the girly parts of Baby B today.  We shall see!

I freaked out a little today.  My life has been on hold for about 4 months.  Not even on hold.  Passing me by.  I've missed a lot.  I havent worked in a long time.  My short term disability is about to run out and they are putting me on long term disability.  I never imagined this to be part of my baby story but I wouldnt be going through all of this if I wasn't pregnant, with 2 babies at that, so I will never wish that I wasn't walking this path.  If I've learned anything, it's that God's purpose is always greater than the circumstances.

I was in the car, crying of course, and Jeremy Camp was on the radio.  "I will walk by faith, even when I don't see.  And because this broken road, prepares your will for me."  I will continue to walk by faith. I have no idea what lays before me.  But looking behind me I know that in my darkest hours, in my lowest times, in the moments that couldn't possibly make sense, He was always preparing me.  For something bigger than I could imagine for myself.

Twins, anyone?

I am blessed because through trying times I have a God who answers prayers in a bigger way than I even know to pray.  I have my face on a magazine's website for a campaign I never imagined to be part of because of 2 babies I have prayed into existence.  God is good and my life is in His hands.  Can't be mad about that.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Therapy, maternity jeans and birthdays

So my trick of using a hair tie to extend my jeans along with a belly band stopped being effective.  I am now 100% in maternity clothes.  Wow, there are some really ugly clothes.  But amazing how much more comfy maternity jeans are.  I went to get a few necessary items with Mom last week and I was in the fitting room trying on jeans and I lost my belly band.  It's like a half tube top that is fitted and helps extend the life of your regular pants.  I lost it.  I looked everywhere in the fitting room.  Finally I asked Mom if she had it maybe in the jeans I had given her that I'd tried on.  She looked through them and next thing you know the sales staff is looking for my belly band.  One lady asks me, "Are you sure it's not on you?"  I said, yea, cause I'm that stupid that I wouldnt be able to find a band on my body.  Guess who's that stupid!?  It had made its way up under my bra.  Where my maternity jeans now sit.


I'm 34 today.  Crazy, age is relative I guess to how you feel.  I'm feeling 34 right now.  I'm still quite the mess.  I went all day Wed without throwing up and Jason announces to everyone, "Missy went a whole day without puking."  Jinxed me and I've thrown up more the past 2 days than I have in a few weeks.  I have a busted blood vessel in my eye for effect.

Had an appt with the high risk dr for my first trimester screen.  We got to spend about 30 minutes with the babies, watching them move and flip and wiggle and dance.  Absolutely still amazes me that this is going on, inside my body!!  Baby B was laying right on top of Baby A.  I'll never forget finding out we had twins.  I was getting my first draining and Jason was at my head and Dr B had already told us he was certain we only had 1 baby. I told him I was certain he was wrong, that there were 2.  He has the ultrasound moving around and says, oh look, there's the sac for the baby.  And a few seconds later he says, and there is the other sac.  Amazing when you pray for something and you know, even thru the hard times and seasons of fear and frustration, that you will have your answer to your prayers, hearing it announced is a feeling that I can't describe.  And then hearing my mother's intuition was correct with 2 babies, speechless.

Yesterday we had dinner with the parents and kids.  I got my coveted Michael Kors bracelet from the kids, handpicked cards from each of them, a Willow Tree figurine of a couple with a pregnant mom and the last card I got was one Jason had from the babies.  He wrote me a note from them and when it started "Dear Mommy," I lost it.  I'm going to be someone's mommy.  Finally.

We are going through some strange seasons.  As everyone does.  And we are trying to figure out best we can how to make sure everyone is on the right track, no one gets left behind and everyone knows their place in the family.  We sought the help of a family counselor to help guide us.  I won't say much other than, when you pray about something and you know it to be true, it's ok to listen to your heart.  When you are given circumstances and you do the best you can, it's ok to fail if you learn from your mistakes and move forward.  You get out of what you put into life.  If you put in hard work and effort and blood, sweat and tears, you'll most likely reap some benefits.  If you go through life manipulating, controlling and being sneaky, my belief is that too will catch up to you.  If you have the desire to make your family as well rounded, God fearing and God loving as you can, my trust and belief is that you will have a loving, kind family.

Blood, sweat and tears.  That about sums up life right now.  Through swollen ovaries, (still) busted blood vessels, gifts that make you so happy they make you cry, and circumstances that make you want to beat your head against a wall, life is still, and always, beautiful.

I'm blessed.  This year I will give birth to 2 little blessings that will know me, love me and call me Momma.  There is nothing else I need!