Monday, April 30, 2012

Excuse me?

Where to start, what to say.  Not sure to either.  I don't want this to be a sad blog. 

Sat we got the news we've been trying for.  I was ready for insem.  YAY!  Not sure who was more excited, me or Jason.  We had a 3 hour wait, there were 13 couples in the waiting room.  It's a weird group we're part of.  Recognizing couples that you've seen at other appointments, wondering where they are at in their treatment, wondering their story.  No one really makes eye contact.  You get good news but you can't show it because the girl that was sitting beside you earlier is now coming out of an exam room crying and her husband is trying not to.  I digress.

Sat was a good day.  We got good news.  I was to take my trigger shot that night and come back on Monday for the procedure.  I knew it.  I had a dream the night before that I got inseminated.  Which is strange considering I didnt even really know what it entailed.  Woke up Saturday feeling good.  Sit for 3 hours trying to remain upbeat.  That's kind of a lie.  I was trying not to kill the husband in the waiting room that had the phone beeping every 3 seconds from the game he was playing.  I'm rambling.

We go back Sat to the room finally and I'm covered with a napkin again and Jason is playing around with the machines.  He feels quite confident he knows how to do a scan.  According to him it goes a little like this.."You insert the thing and say ok a little pressure then you move it to the right, wait for you to make a mean face and hit freeze then measure.  Then you move to the other side, say ok a little more pressure, wait until your eyebrow raises and your face gets more mean then hit freeze and measure."  He's pretty accurate.  Dr B comes in, does all the above and I can't see the screen but I can see Jason's face and realize from his smile that the drugs have done what they should have and we were set to move forward!  What a relief.  I told some people if we had such a positive reaction to that good news I can't even imagine when we find out we're pregnant.

Today I am ovulating full force from the shot.  Nice that my body is letting me know I'm ready to get pregnant.  I was supposed to be inseminated a few hours ago.  Didn't happen.

Jason, poor guy, had to go in by himself this morning to do his part of the fun. I had a sales meeting so I couldnt go. I about lost it when I checked my texts during the meeting and see this from him. "I just downloaded some soft jazz to play on my phone, have triple the cologne on, and a picture of you in my pocket.  I'M READY!"  I busted out laughing.  I love that man.  Then 30 mins later I get a text to the effect of "I'm finished.  It was awful.  I could hear people walking outside of the room.  Then I walked back into the office and everyone looks thinking it's a nurse and they see me. Can you say uncomfortable?" Oh bless his heart.

We go back into the room, the nurse tells me what to expect during the insem and after and yada yada yada so excited I can't stand it because I know this is finally it.  I put an appt in my calander for May 15 because that's the first day I can do a pregnancy test without getting a false positive from the hcg shot I took.

Then Dr B walks in and looks kind of weird and says "There's no sperm."  Doesn't make sense to me because I know they put an orange dot on Jason's vial and we had an orange dot on my file and I know he was there an hour before me.  I looked at Jason and could see from the look on his face that he processed the information faster than me.  His reversal didn't work.  Or didn't take.  Or his body rejected it and it sealed back.  We have no sperm.  After months of hormone shots and pills and scan after scan after scan after scan, I was ready but the other crucial part wasn't there.

Devasted, shocked, heartbroken.  I really don't want this to be a sad blog.  Or a woe is me.  Because I feel anything but that.  But this is real and honest and big.  It's not easy.  In fact, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  Watching the pain and hurt and confusion and sadness and fear on my best friend's face, knowing it's mirroring exactly what I feel, is probably one of the worst things I've ever seen and felt.

Jason is struggling with his own emotions.  He feels guilt which I understand but isn't logical.  Logic goes down the toilet when your heart is so hurt though.  He went through the pain and expense of the reversal for us to have a baby.  He goes to every single appoitnment with me.  He gives me my shots.  He holds me when I'm overwhelmed and can't tell him why I can't stop crying.  He asks questions that I can't remember we were supposed to ask.  He listens to the nurse and dr when I'm zoning out thinking about a million other things.  He has absolutely no reason to feel anything other than proud of what an amazing husband he is.  I know that's how I feel!

We sat in Dr B's office and he's going on about the why of no sperm and he's so sorry and I was on the edge of panic.  All I'm hearing is you have no sperm so I'm hearing you can't get pregnant.  Luckily there was a female PA in there as well and she recognized the look of desperation on my face and she said "But there's options.."

So.  Now we are looking at a membership into the IVF club.  Not at all what we were expecting but we will go to the 2 hour class/consult on Fri and see what our options are.  We had our tears, will have more I'm quite certain, but we will move forward and pray about this and see what direction God takes us. 

IVF is way super expensive.  Our insurance covers nothing so we're looking at a big chunck of money we don't have going towards something we so desperately want.  I laid in bed with Jason beside me and I'm crying and wondering what now.  Where do we go?  We can't afford this.  What will all the shots do to my body?  How will we get through this?  I don't know is the answer to all of this.  But it's no surprise to God and I am more than confident that for whatever reason we are headed down this path, we will be triumphant with a baby or 3 at the end of this and we will give God all the glory!

Life takes some crazy turns.  I seem to always take the hardest road to get where I'm going but I can't ever complain about that because what waits for me at the end is more than worth the pain and frutration of the journey.  I know we are one couple of so many, too many, that go through this for much longer than we have.  My prayer for each of those couple's is that they have the love and care of friends and family to pray for and encourage them as we do. 

I'm blessed because my best friend is right beside me loving me, hugging me, crying with me through this.  And one day I know this will make for a great story we will tell our kids!  Til then, we trust!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Still Friday, Tanzania and alcohol swabs

Funny story. J was about 3 and we were saying our nightly prayers and we finished and he asked me where Jesus lives. I said, in your heart. He said, nope, Tanzania. Strangely funny kid.

Had a dr's appt today. Last night I felt good. Stayed busy. Worked out with Jason then went for a 2 mile walk and did a good job convincing myself I wasn't thinking about it. Because everyone tells you to just relax and don't think about getting pregnant and then you miraculously get pregnant. Might be easier to do if I wasn't taking pills, and shots, and going to the dr 3 times a week, but whatever, good advice. So last night I lay down and I'm still fine, then the lights turn out and I start crying. And can't stop. Jason's asking me why I'm crying and I can't tell him because I don't really know. Maybe it's guilt because I'm not supposed to be worrying because you can only get pregnant when you aren't thinking about it apparently. Maybe guilt because my prayers were for the pills to have worked not for God's will to be done. Confusion because I trust God so why can't I stop crying? I'm telling you, this is one of the weirdest things I've ever been through.

There are 16 year olds getting pregnant on accident and I can't even get to the part yet where I can almost try to get pregnant. Last month we were advised to not go anywhere near each other for 3 weeks. That makes getting pregnant hard. I mean, no, we don't want 8 or 9 babies at once, but cmon already. It was funny because the dr is telling us last month that we had to stop the process and gives me progesterone shots to reverse everything we had done. But advised that I was so super fertile to be careful. Very careful. Don't do anything, careful. The he walks out of the room and I tell Jason, lets just go home and try it on our own. Then the dr comes back in and says, dont go home and do anything stupid. So I know why the scans are so expensive. They pay to have the rooms bugged.

The appt today was much of the same as last month. Pills didnt do the job, I start back on shots and then another scan on Sat. (cha-ching) Oh, and more blood work too. (cha-ching, cha-ching) Frustrated and a little bit let down but no tears. Well, not at the dr's office. Small success. We go home so Jason can give me my shot (love him.) It has to be in my belly so I get the alcohol swab and wipe a good size area so it's clean. A lot of good that did as he gave me the shot 6" below where I swabbed. Thanks honey! Good for making me laugh at least.

So Sunday night I go to a concert at church with Jason and my parents. It was a good concert. Having a good time. Then someone from Compassion International asks everyone to consider supporting a child for $38 a month. Kids from all over the world need help. So I prayed about it and talked to Jason. We are spending over $1000 a month trying to have our own baby, how could we not spend $38 to help take care of someone else's? Felt lead to do it so we raise our hand and get an envelope of our little boy. I look at the picture and see he is wearing a soccer shirt. He is from Tanzania. I saw that and my heart started pounding and I couldn't say anything and just started bawling. Mom looked at me and I just showed her the envelope and she saw Tanzania and immediately knew what I couldn't speak. I panicked a little. Then I had a peace come over me. Then just sat in awe.

J has been so on my heart lately. He plays soccer. He is in 3rd grade. I don't know much other than that. But God, once again, met me where I am and showed me through a little soccer loving boy from Tanzania that God hasn't forgotten me, or J. I went to the table after the concert and looked at all the envelopes and not one other kid there from Tanzania. God used that little guy to speak directly to my heart. But I had to ask God for direction and then make the move of putting my hand up to receive it.

I'm blessed because even in the midst of some chaos, God still finds me important enough to remind me of his grace and mercy.

Sunday is coming!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Punch cards, ignorance and throwing stones...

This week I had a dr's appt. The first of 4 or 5 over the next few weeks. Jason went with me of course because he's awesome like that. I had to have a scan so I'm sitting on the table with a paper napkin over my lap. Fun times. Then the dr walks in with a nurse and a PA. Everyone is chit chatting making small talk as they are determining, quite painfully, that I have no cysts and should be clear to move forward. Jason is standing back taking it all in. So I sit back up, again, covered with a paper napkin, as the dr is figuring out our course of action. The conversation goes a little like this.."We'll start you on the pills then bring you in for a scan, then we'll do a few rounds of shots and bring you in for a scan, then if all goes well, yep, another scan, then blah blah blah..." The scans are $150 each. So within the course of a few minutes of blah blah blah I'm hearing cha ching cha ching cha ching. So my lovely husband says, in all sincerity " Do you have a punch card?" Everyone stops and looks at him. "You know, like they have at the gas station for when you buy 5 cups of coffee the 6th is free? Do you have something like that for all these scans?" Ha! Doc was like, yea, we can work something out! Way to negotiate babe!

Ignorance is bliss. I truly believe this. For when you go looking, seeking or searching to find out
things you probably shouldn't know, that's when feelings get hurt, people get mad, you get anxious or frustrated. I have an opinion. As evidenced by this blog. This is basically an online journal so I invite you to read this with the understanding you may not agree with , like, or understand what I write about. Probably the only way you will truly know my heart, know how I feel about things, is to talk to me. If you read this blog feeling paranoid, you could make it all about you. If you read it feeling discouraged, you may find it to be encouraging. If you read it feeling sad, you may walk away feeling a little bit better. If you read it with the intention of finding something between the lines that may or may not mean something else, yep, probably find that as well.

I'm allowed to disagree with people. If you treat your parents a certain way that goes against everything that is right, I have the right to think you are wrong. If you make a decision that affects my life, my mood or my future, I certainly have a right to talk about it to my friends, on my blog or my facebook. If we are friends on facebook or you read my blog and you see something I wrote that you disagree with, ask me about it. IF we aren't friends and you somehow came across it I understand it may be embarrassing to ask me about it but I'm open, ask away! My point is...I won't apologize for thinking as I do. I won't stop being myself in order to gain the approval of people who have made it obvious they will never see the good in me. I'm not going to waste anymore time worrying about how so and so may interpret my blog when, quite frankly, it's none of your business.

I'm plain ole worn out of being judged. Of being held to a higher regard than people hold themselves to. Of having things held against me that I did or said or didnt say or do, years ago. Who hasnt made a mistake? Or a lot of mistakes? How do you grow as a person when you can't admit you've made mistakes? Who hasn't done something they wish they hadn't? Time to be honest with ourselves and take a good hard look in the mirror. I remember a story of a pastor that handed out little stones to his congregation the morning before service. He had a guest speaker that was a Christian artist that had an affair and was very publicly judged. Before he introduced the speaker he asked everyone to take out their pebble. And whoever was without sin, please go ahead and cast it. Silence. Could have heard a pin drop. Not fun to have a big ole mirror held to your face huh?

This is going to be a great week. I've had a good weekend at work, we had fun with the kids, tonight I'm going to a concert with my wonderfully involved husband and I just get to relax. I am so in love with my life and so beyond excited to see what is coming next.

I'm blessed because I know that I am a sinner only saved by God's grace. And for my husband trying to score some free procedures from the doc! You rock, my dude! I love you!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

3 things, my husband and jelly beans

The diet isnt going great. Hard to lose weight when you want to eat anything that isn't nailed down. And will consider eating things you normally hate. Out. Of. Control. Freakin hormones. Last night I ate an entire bag of jelly beans. Didn't even like them. And cried as I was eating them. I'm a hot mess. I know this.

Someone has asked me why I write my blog with the 3 things in the title. I never knew. It was just something I've done. Lately I've been praying for God to speak to me. Asking Him direct questions and believing I will have answers but wondering how they will come. Yesterday I was trying to figure out how much to give to a charity and I prayed about it and was going to give a certain amount and then when I went to do the amount a random figure popped out that I hadn't considered and I gave that amount. Not sure why but God told me what to give. I've been asking some big questions of God lately as well as some small ones. Randoms. Sitting at my desk and out of nowhere I hear " You and J used to lay in bed in the morning and tell each other stories. You'd say, I can tell you about whales, surfing or seals. Or he'd say, I can tell you about roller coasters, dogs or ice cream." And we would go on for an hour back and forth. Every day. I had forgotten that. God told me I may have not remembered but J does. Why do the seemingly small things that shouldnt matter, matter to Him? Why am I important enough to warrant a small whisper from God at the end of a day to a question that shouldnt still be important to me but clearly in my heart is?

I've been more worried about this round of treatment then I've really let on I guess. It's hard knowing you're going to be pumped full of meds that will make you more crazy than you already are. And the not wanting to get hopes up but trusting and praying and believing and all. This really isnt a woe is me blog, stick with me. 2 nights ago I had a dream that Jason and I got a positive pregnancy test. We were ecstatic. The smiles and hugs and pure joy we felt was so real. So I woke up and ran into the bathroom and took a test and it was negative. Sigh. BUT I believe God placed that dream in my heart. He would't do that if I don't have a positive coming. He's not a God of games. He's a God of love and mercy. My Sunday's coming...

My husband is simply the best there is. He became a single dad for reasons we dont need to get into and it broke his heart to be away from his kids everyday lives. I've been in his life for almost 2 years and it constantly amazes me how kind and loving and selfless he is. He loves his kids so much. He supports them financially, emotionally, and physically. He calls them every day. Every day! I remember 1 time in 2 years he missed calling them because we were somewhere late and he was really upset about it. He drives all over the place to be at their events. I remember when we were dating and he drove 2 hours to Savannah to watch a 2 hours dance competition then he drove back. Because he wanted to see his girls dance. He is at tball. He's at dances. He's at awards shows. He's at the school taking the kids lunch. He is the fun dad. He's the cool dad. But he's not afraid to be the tough dad either. He doesn't shy away from the tough talks. The ones that aren't so fun. I so appreciate that about him. He's the involved dad. When life gets hard and times get tough, he doesn't waver. He has sacrificed so much to be able to provide for his kids and he will continue to do so. Not for any other reason than he loves them. He's a good man. He's a great Daddy. He would walk through fire to protect his kids. When the going gets tough, when it's hard, when things aren't easy, he keeps on loving. He keeps on trying.

I've been married to 2 men. Both who were fathers. Both who had ex wives. Well one had more than the other, but I digress. I've gotten to see the difference in how they treat their families, their children, their ex wives. I had a miscarriage with my first husband. We don't always get such a clear view of why things happen. Had I had a child with him, I may not have been open to having a child with Jason and going through the somewhat seemingly extreme measures we've gone thru with the surgeries, the shots and all. I know what kind of father he was. It would have been a hard life. But I know with complete certainty that Jason was placed in my life from God and I know we will bring a child together as a result of our love and dedication to each other. And that hot, sexy, funny man is going to be my baby daddy!

Why am I going through all the crying, cravings, weight gains, mood swings and costs? Because at the end of this I will be able to give that special, special man another child who will grow up being able to call such a wonderful person Daddy.

I couldn't be more blessed!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter, babies and the beach

Spent the past 4 days camping at the beach. Oh it was so nice. A 2 min walk to the beach, a 10 minute bike ride to the frozen yogurt place, charcoal grilled dinners, nights spent playing cards with the parents and husband, and days spent in awe of how much I have been blessed with.

So did you know you can break into a camper if you lock yourself out? You can. We were unloading the camper Thurs and I somehow locked the door. Oops. Luckily we had the side compartment open as we were getting stuff out. I look at Jason and was like, looks like you're gonna have to figure this one out. He did. He shoved me head first into the compartment on my back and I had to lift the hydraulic mattress cover floor thing to open it by pushing it up with my legs, while laying on my back, in a small compartment...did I mention that? And then crawl through the space. Thanks years of cheerleading and gymnastics for the leg muscles that enabled that feat. I mean maybe it was over 20 years ago but regardless, it worked and we got in!

We went to a sunrise service this morning on the beach. I've never seen a sunrise. It was amazing. And to be singing of God's grace and mercy and love as we were watching the sun rise over the ocean was overwhelming. The pastor kept saying, You may want to give up on God but He won't give up on you. That resounded with me. Christ knew what was going on that Good Friday. He knew that he would be crucified for a sin he didn't commit. To give eternal life to who? Me? You? Totally undeserving and yet He did it. Nailed to a cross, through the agony of death, suffocating to death, pulling himself up to catch a breath. I can't imagine anything worse. He did that for me. He did that for you. My sacrifices don't seem so great...

This week we will start another round of fertility treatments. Another round of hormones that make me crazy and make Jason hide in the corner. Kidding. That man is the most supportive, kind, loving man I have ever known. Aside from my Daddy of course. Today I saw babies and pregnant mothers and father's playing with their kids while we were sitting on the beach. I want that so badly. I have always wanted to be a mother. To have my own kids. But to be blessed to have a baby with such a special man. The treatments, the hormones, the growing expenses, the rollercoaster of emotions that turn me into a crazy lady, the ups and downs...I can't imagine not doing everything we can knowing the end result is a baby of our own that I get to love with all my heart, who we get to raise in God's word, who we get to influence, who we get to spoil with attention and kisses and hugs and who I never have to let go of.

Sitting on the beach I got kind of emotional. Lots of stuff on my heart. I miss J like crazy. His birthday was last week and I can't believe how old he is now. It was hard not having the kids on Easter. I miss my nephews and my Nana and my heart is broken for some things I won't get into now but my heart was heavy. Then I thought...Christ went through the pain, the agony, the cursing, the people laughing at him, spitting at him not because he had to. He went through Friday because he knew that Sunday was coming. He knew that the pain was temporary and the reward would be bigger and mean more than anyone could understand or imagine. His sacrifice brought eternal life.

My sacrifice is small. I will take the people who laugh at me, who judge me, I will take the lost friends that don't understand my new life, I will take the disappointment of people I love being hurt, I will take the rollercoaster of emotions that these treatments bring, I will hold my husbands hand as we continue down the path that God has lead us on. Because it's paved with far more than we ever imagined or what we possibly could deserve.

We are at Friday. Again. But our Sunday is coming.

Blessed because I have a Savior who lives and whose love for me is far greater than anything I can understand and covers whatever I'm going through. I pray you have the same!