Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Devastating day and the prayer of a stranger

Today I had to do something that I've been dreading for the year we've been discussing it. I had to meet my soon to be exhusband, that I haven't seen in 8 months, to sign a form destroying the 10 frozen embryos that we have. 


I was shaking, I was crying, I was damn near close to hysteria and I was completely shattered.  I am one of the lucky parents who got to hold and see both of her babies after they were born. A lot of parents who lose premature don't get that gift. I saw that Tucker looked like me. For so long I'd wondered what holding a baby that was part of me would look like. And I held him. And he was perfect.  Then weeks later, I held Fletcher. And he looked just like his Daddy. 

The embryos are my last hope of having a baby that has the characteristics of their brothers. It's a hope I've held onto for a long time. 

The thought of destroying the hope I had for each one of those embryos broke my heart in a way no one can understand unless you've had to face that impossible decision. 

Do I want to be tied to a man who walked out on me because life's hurts were too much?  No. Do I want to have babies that are siblings of my boys?  

More than anything.

I begged, pleaded and cried with him to let me have them.  He was ok donating them to other families so they wouldn't have to go thru the hell we went thru. He was ok knowing he may have children walking this earth that he doesn't know about, but he won't allow me that. I offered to move out of the state, country,
sign away all rights, he won't agree. He's fine with other people having our kids, just not me. 

I sat outside the dr's office with that form, head on the steering wheel, my body racked with sobs coming from a place of despair I didn't know I had. 

I couldn't turn the form in. Not yet. It's too big of a decision that I have absolutely no peace about. 

I reached out to some friends and family and asked them to pray for me. Of course my loving, selfless prayer warriors circled around me and one specifically asked that God would give me a word, a song, something specific that would help me thru this. 

I went to Walgreens and had my head down, trying to cover my tear stained face and hide the tears that were falling and I wasn't speaking to the cashier but I heard her talking. Then I realized she was praying. Out loud. She was praying for me. I looked up, tears running down my face with a look of total loss and she said, if you agree then just say "Amen."  I looked at this beautiful lady who had no idea the gift she had just shared with me and whispered, "Amen."

I've had some exciting doors open for me over the past week that have given me a hope and peace for motherhood that I haven't had in a long time. Naively I thought that would replace the brokenness of losing the hope of what the embryos held for me. 

Life is heavy. Way too heavy sometimes and today I was literally crushed under the weight of decisions that are being made for me that I have no control over. 

And I lost it. 

And in that brokenness, the kindness of a stranger and her heartfelt prayer that God would hold me, guide me, keep me and love me until I can see the light at the end of the tunnel lifted some of the weight that made me feel like I was drowning. 

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I know that sometimes the circumstances we face today are so devastating it's hard to see past. But I also know that in my darkest hours, the moments I've felt completely alone and forgotten, God uses the most unlikely people to speak to my heart. 

The prayer of a stranger, spoken out loud in faith and belief gave me the push to keep walking forward. 

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