My June article for Still Standing
Monday, June 30, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Ever had one of those days (months) where you just feel alive and lost and excited and lost and hopeful and lost?
Over the past 2 months, I've worked a lot! Over the past month I have worked pretty much 12 hour days, at least, with 1.5 days off.
Why? Because I'm opening a new community. But more than that I'm pre-opening a new community. When I say I'm exhausted, it's more like delirious, I'm not exaggerating. But it's an alive, love my job, can't believe the opportunity I've been given, exhausted, so it's ok. The delirious I'm working through.
I can't relax. Period. My mind races nonstop with things I need to be doing. I called my massage place last night and got a last minute massage for 9pm. Awesome. The first 30 mins I felt like a new woman. The therapist was talking to me, which I hate, but I was engaged in conversation until he started rubbing my head and I just stopped, mid sentence. When I get rich I'm hiring a full time head rubber. But anyways, I turn on my stomach for the last half of my massage and mind you it's 930 at this point and I'm sure my massage guy was as tired as me, but he kind of just ran out of steam. I felt like the episode of Friends where Ross is massaging the guy with tonka trucks. Can't be sure but I'm pretty sure he dozed off at one point so I jerked my body and brought him out of his slumber. At that point I was done. I couldn't relax, couldn't turn my brain off and wanted nothing more than to reach for my iPhone to check my emails. I immediately thought, crap, I forgot to print out option sheets. So I'm laying there stressing, massage guy is zoned out and I raised my head and we are literally nose to nose and I said, remind me after my massage I need to print off option sheets please. He didn't question the crazy, says ok, finished my massage and leaves the room. He meets me outside with a cup of water and reminds me to drink plenty of water and to print off option sheets. I hugged him, pledged my undying love and appreciation and went home to work a few more hours.
A few nights ago I set my alarm, newly installed, and hit my alarm code that I told the people to set. It says "system armed STAY" so I punch in my code to make sure it works and it doesn't. The code apparently got lost in translation and I was hostage in my home. Mind you it was 11pm and I was in for the night but knowing I was IN for the night because I couldn't get out had me near panic. I have a newly found sense of claustrophobia. And it's not cool. I left a message for the company to let them know I had to leave the next morning at 6am and was going to have an alarm going off. No call back. So at 6am, I leave to the sounds of an alarm blaring. You're welcome dear neighbors.
I am moving into my new office today and I have my car loaded up with supplies, sold signs, yada yada. I felt like I was on my way to college or something, leaving the nest, ready to start this new adventure and listening to my itunes and Whitney Houston's "One Moment In Time" comes on. No judging. I'm singing along and then the words just hit me!
"Give me one moment in time, when I'm more than I thought I could be, when all of my dreams are a heartbeat away and the answers are all up to me..."
Let me paint the picture for you. Music moves me. I have church in my car all the time. I sing loud and proud and *sometimes* get emotional and theatrical. I'm sitting at a red light, music blaring, singing my heart out, to Whitney Houston, and look over to a truckful of construction workers laughing. At me.
If I saw what they saw I'd have laughed too. And then blogged about the crazy, middle aged (whaaaa) woman having a concert. To Whitney Houston.
Is there a point to this? Is there ever? I feel like, probably because it's true, that I'm constantly starting new chapters.
Today, for the first time, I was more at peace, filled with excitement and a new confidence for where I'm going than I've had in a long time. I don't know where that is, I don't know who the people will be with me and I'm not sure where I'm going but I'm happy.
So sings Whitney Houston, "you're a winner, for a lifetime. If you seize that one moment in time, make it shine."
Shining! Seizing! Only mildly humiliated that I'm quoting Whitney, may she rest in peace. But "I will be, I will be, fffrrreeeeeeeee!"
New adventure, new chapter. I won't fail. I won't be stopped and I can't wait to see where God leads me on this journey in my 5" black wedges that make me walk tall!
Blessing friends! Mwah!
Monday, June 16, 2014
What do you do when your world completely turns on it's head?
From where I'm standing, you stand or you fall.
Life sucks. Sometimes it doesn't but other times it really, really sucks.
I'm living in a weird place where half my life is turned on it's head and the other half is beautiful.
It's enough to make a sane person question what padded walls would add to the current decor of her bedroom.
I went to a breakfast the other morning and the speaker was pretty great. He said in life you have two options. To be a "yea, but" or a "yes, and" person.
Interesting. I feel, especially since the first of the year, I've been a yes, and kinda gal. Yes life sucks and I'm figuring it out. Yes, life can turn on a dime and make you question everything or it can make you a "but life sucks, I can't, I don't wanna, it's too hard" kinda person.
I have a glorious distraction in my job. I'm working insane, crazy hours and I have never been so fully submerged in a job before and I love it! I love the people, I love the company, I love my community and I love the homes I'll be selling. I'm working my tail off and it's going to be for some really awesome results. Can't be mad about that.
When I started painting, I'd get so close to the canvas and what I'd created and it looked like a hot mess. I remember being so disappointed one night, walking away from a painting I had high hopes for. I went back into the kitchen a bit later and turned on the light and from where I was standing, the painting was beautiful. Up close I saw all the mistakes I'd make. Things that didn't work. When I stepped away, came back, looked at the whole painting from a different perspective, it made me cry. It was absolutely beautiful.
Up close to things that break your heart, it's so easy to only see the ugly. The mistakes. The things you wish you'd done different. Taking a breather, walking away and seeing it with new eyes, a clearer view, standing away from it, it wasn't as hot mess as I thought and it was in fact, quite beautiful.
So is my life. Up close it looks like. Disaster. Too many mistakes. Too much time wasted on something that hurt. It wasn't what I expected. The hours and tears and heart I put into it seemed to be wasted.
Until an hour later when I got some perspective, looked at a different angle And saw it for what it was. A beautiful work of my heart that made sense only when I walked away from it for a while.
I'm doing the same in some areas of my life. I'm pouring my heart and soul into what I love, I'm praying that God is guiding each stroke, each decision, hearing each prayer, and what looks like to me to be total disaster is actually just an unfinished masterpiece that God is making my life into.
I'm strong. I'm ok. I'm faithful, I'm loving, I'm committed, I'm hardworking and I'm believing in HIS process.
I want this beautiful disaster that is my life to be a beautiful masterpiece that is God's life's design for me.
I have peace. I have joy. I have sadness, I have questions, I have a mind that never shuts off.
My story right now could be this. Life changed yes, but I just didn't have any fight left in me so I quit.
What my story is, is this. Life changed, yes. But I'm being obedient to do the work God has laid on my heart, to love those I can the only way I can which is thru prayer, and trusting and believing that the end of this work will be something more beautiful than I could have ever seen.
I'm 1 part completely put together, 1 part work in progress and 1 part complete hot mess. And I'm kinda ok with the hot messness. Keeps me humble. Like getting stuck in a Rainstorm and breaking my favorite heel off in a paver crack and having a good ole fashioned go to pieces maybe. But yes, I kept going. And I will. There's no quit in me.
Blessed because God has given me the peace to be me, the hope to believe better and the faith that all this crazy crap tha hurts is nothing compared to the joy that is coming!