Saturday, November 29, 2014

I'm less than fine...

I'm less than fine. 

I'm not really even ok. 

I'm tired. I don't want to go through another December. I don't want to face Dec 10, when my water broke. I don't want to face Tucker's birthday. I don't want to face Fletcher's.  

I'm tapped out. Emotionally I'm just completely drained. 

I made it through Thanksgiving. I made it through. I survived another holiday completely brokenhearted. 

Am I thankful?  Of course I am. I know that life is fragile, I know that not everyone has supportive and loving parents. I know what I still have left. And I'm thankful. 

But I'm tired. My heart is just really tired. I actually feel the ache. I feel the emptiness. I know what it feels like to have your heart overflowing and I know what it feels like to have it broken.  I thought it was more healed than it is. But if I'm giving myself credit, I have survived more than I've lost. 

I don't know what this life means. I know that we dnt live for this life but we live for eternity but I'm kind of unsure of how to navigate this journey that seems to be just loss after loss after loss after loss. 

It's not a why me. My heart breaks for so many people, please trust that my heart doesn't just break for the things I no longer have. 

For someone who feels so much, to feel so empty at the same time is confusing. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite times of the year. I know we aren't supposed to live in the past but my mind drifts. 2 years ago I had absolutely everything I ever wanted, more than I ever expected and the promise of so much more more. 

This year I'm still clinging to hope. It's all I have left. And the broken, empty, lost parts of me scream out so much louder than the parts filled with hope but thankfully, the hope still has a voice. 

I'm tired. I tired of the aching in my heart. I'm tired of the hurting and I'm tired of trying to survive. 

Is this all I am and all I talk about?  No, I live a pretty full life. I don't talk about what I'm actually feeling nearly enough because it makes people weary. I'm tired of making people weary. I'm more tired of being the source of that. I'm someone who has great stories, makes people laugh. People are good with that. The empty Melissa, not so much. 

Life 2 years ago made sense. I had my husband, our 3 kids, our parents, our aunts and uncles, my Nana, all celebrating that we were adding two more boys to the chaos. 

I've lost more than I've still got. I'm drowning. It's harder to keep standing when you're drowning but I'm still here. 

God, if you're still listening, I'm tired. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be lost. I don't know what will heal my heart when I can't hold my babies, my arms and heart are empty and my spirit just feels defeated. I know you are still in the business of making beautiful things out of a mess, I haven't given up. Please get me thru the next month. If for no other reason I have 2 little boys who deserve to have a mom who doesn't quit. Tucker, Fletcher, your mama loves you and though heaven feels really far away right now, I know you're safe and loved. 

I'm tired. But I haven't given up. And I won't.  

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Completely broken and exhausted

"Is the person you are now bigger than the failure you're holding onto?"

What's left of me, I'm honestly not sure.  I've been running on empty for awhile. 

I made it thru my birthday. With so many texts and calls and messages from loving people. Almost made me forget I didn't hear from my husband or kids. 

That makes me feel ridiculous even saying that. There's 1000 things that have happened since the last I saw them and my birthday that I wished I heard something and heard just nothing.  My birthday was no different. I don't blame the kids, I'm nothing to them. Doesn't change what they are to me though I guess. And I thought myself so strong because the entire time my mom was in the hospital I wanted to text J but I never did. Because even though I wish it weren't true, he doesn't care. I know he doesn't. So why does my heart still react in wanting him to? 

The weather is colder. Which I love. Normally. Because it signals the start of my favorite time of year. Normally. Thanksgiving. Christmas. It makes me mad that I want to just skip to April. 

J left me last Thanksgiving. And took the kids. So I faced my "first" alone and I managed. I mean I completely freaked and dyed my hair dark which was a flippin disaster but all things considered, I survived. 

I'm tired of surviving. Honest. Just so tired of being strong enough to handle loss after loss after hurt after heartache. I don't want to keep waiting around for divorce papers.  Divorce papers that don't just end an already broken marriage but also destroy the 10 healthy embryos I had such hopes for.  I don't want to have our divorce final in between the boys birthdays. I want a break. I want a flippin break. 

If this seems sad and depressing, by all means, go back to your life that isn't but I have to get this out of me before I implode.  I've held too much in for too long. I'm exhausted and I'm broken. 

I don't want to go thru thanksgiving again alone. Knowing a few weeks later I have Tucker's birthday.  Do I nod at J and the kids if I pass them at the tree?  Christmas Eve is my baby's birthday and I don't want to do it. I thought making it thru the first year made me immune to the pain and hurt and confusion and emptiness of the second. And it may have. If this year I wasn't also grieving my husband, our boys, our marriage and 3 kids I haven't seen in 6 months. 

Instead of this being a tragic, pathetic blog about annoying things people don't like to read about, like real life, I'll do this.

There's a whole lot that breaks this gals heart. But everyday I make the decision to try again to live a good day.  I don't have anything but my parents to cling to, heaven seems so far away where my heart and empty arms long to be. 

God spared me. For something. I'm meant to live life for something and I'll find it and I'll keep going.  Heart broken, arms empty, I'll keep going. I'm tired of hurting. Im tired of being alone. I'm tired of wondering if life will ever let up, even just a moment so I can catch my breath?  Because right now, I'm drowning. 

This is something bigger than me. Has to be. I wouldn't have the balls to keep looking for something that will make sense if I didn't believe better is out there. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorites.  Deaths, divorce, seperation be damnded, ill get thru this too. 

Somehow. Stronger and better.