"I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place, Lord won't you give me strength to make it thru somehow...I've never been more homesick than now."
I wasn't expecting to have to write this post.
Fletcher was born on Christmas Eve, very early in the morning. My precious husband was there with me, he really never left my side. I'm so thankful my parents were there also. My body had never been through so much physical pain, nor my heart.
So much I don't understand. I never will, not meant to. The babies we prayed so hard to create, the babies we prayed so hard to survive. I have never been more confused. More empty. More broken.
I don't understand. My babies were taken too soon but I know they served a purpose. Their short lives weren't in vain. We had so much love and so many prayers surrounding us the past 2 weeks I can't say anything other than thank you. It's one thing to stand in prayer with someone for something hopeful, it's another all together to share the burden and pain of ones grief.
My boys lived. Not long but they breathed life and they opened my heart to a love I will never regret. My Dad was carrying Fletcher after he was born and Fletch wrapped his hand around my Dad's finger. At some point that will give me comfort.
God hasn't left us. He hasn't forsaken us. I don't understand so much, this is a pain greater than I know what to do with. I know in the hospital after I delivered Tucker and Fletcher was fighting so hard, I had real and honest fear consume me that I wasn't going to survive. I can't tell you how many times I asked mom to pray for my physical healing because the fear was so great and I wasn't ready to leave my husband. My family. I never had any of the "symptoms" I should have had. I labored with Tucker and they thought I had severe gas pains before I delivered Fletcher. I never showed physical signs of infection that they assured me was there. The fears for myself very well could have been manifested by Satan who has been working overtime or its more than possible that my boys being born when they were saved my life.
I've never been more homesick than now. I miss my boys so much sometimes I feel like my heart is actually broken. But they are in heaven now for a reason and I am here for one as well.
My husband is the strongest person I have ever known. My heart was in so much pain watching those who love me so much have to watch me suffer. He was always there. Even though his heart was breaking he was there holding my hand, praying with me, loving me and always making me smile. I will never get tired of saying how special he is and how lucky I am that he is mine.
My parents have always given me comfort. I pray for theirs now. My inlaws, our families ,the kids. So many hurting and sad. But once again I will boldly say, I may feel lost but this won't break me. I am empty now but God's promises will sustain me. I have more questions than answers but I believe God is ok with that. We will get through this.
I'm blessed. Even though the tears not stop I know that God has placed the desire for me to be a mom in my heart. And now I have 2 special boys that will always be mine. Will always be perfect and will never know pain or fear. Only the beauty of God's love.
When the time is right I know I will hold mine and Jason's babies and all the dreams we had for TUcker and Fletcher will be passed on to them. This isn't the way I pictured our story ending but as always, I will trust and wait. I never wanted an ending. Always a beautiful ending and until that day I will just do what I can. I will hold the hand of the most beautiful man I know and we will do what we do best. Love each other and keep moving on...