Friday, July 30, 2010

Whole lotta change...

Post 150. That's a whole lotta my life I've shared over the past year or so. Thanks for reading and for your words of encouragement and prayers. Has gotten me through...

Things come in 3's. Got a great job. Found a great guy. Found a great place to live. Moving in 2 weeks. Trying really hard not to freak out. I know I deserve all of the good that has come my way and I've prayed for my life to come together, just not sure I was prepared for the speed that everything happened. My head is still spinning.

My job is going great. Need to sell a few houses this weekend. Fingers crossed, sales cap on! Going to close some people. I love being back in the business. Love overcoming objections, meeting people, learning things. Feels really good to be back in the game of sales that I'm so comfortable in.

Jason is great. More than I expected to find in one person. He makes me feel incredibly special and protected. He makes me laugh, I can talk to him, I trust him. He's a really good person. He's a great dad, grandson, son, friend. It's overwhelming sometimes that we fit so comfortably into each other's lives but it's an overwhelming I welcome. I feel more myself with him than I've felt in a long time. I know a big part of that is because my life started coming together and he has added to it. I didn't want someone to complete my life, I wanted someone to add to it. And he most definitely has. With a really great family, 3 adorable kids and friends who have welcomed me in.

My condo....YIKES! Biggest freak out inducing change I think. I've been with a safety net for the past few years. Thought about moving out from time to time, never had the means or that great of a desire to do so until recently. Mom and Dad are amazing. I'd live here forever if I didn't miss my things and space so much. I know it sounds dramtic but I'm going to miss them. Only moving 15 minutes away but as I've said 1000 times lately, I'm blessed beyond measure with my parents. Beautiful condo, resort style community, area of town I wanted. I cant wait to get settled and really back on my feet. Scares me. More than I care to admit. I failed before. Whose fault, the reasons, doesn't matter. I can't fail at this again. I know God hasn't brought me this far to leave me. I've prayed about the decisions I'm making and it seems that this is the right decision for me.

My life fell apart really fast. It's come together even faster. It's scary. It's exciting. It's overwhelming and it's stressful. I'm trying to enjoy the changes, the blessings, the opportunities and challenges that a new job, new relationship and new place bring. I've done this before. It didn't work out last time. I'm different now. I'm different because of it. I'm different in spite of it. I've learned so much over the past 3 years it seems silly to even draw any references to the old me. But I haven't forgotten what got me here and the pain of what I went through to get here. Without the rain there'd be no rainbows. I'm enjoying the rainbows that life is showing me everyday.

Rainbows, butterflies, cranky and freak outs. I'm pretty sure my life is always going to have a healthy dose of all of those things. But my life is never boring. Ever. It's made for some really great stories and one day a best seller....

I'm blessed. I'm going to try to keep my freaking out to a minimum and enjoy the blessings God is so freely sending my way! Blessed and moving forward...yay!!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Finally time to blog about it...

I met a guy. We were both somewhere neither one of us wanted to really be, hanging out with friends and we started talking and haven't really stopped...

I don't really even know what to say, other than I have found someone really special. I spent the day yesterday with him and his kids. Who are so adorable and funny and sweet. We went to the beach and jumped waves and built sand castles. Then went to his Mom's and played in her pool and had dinner. Then went to his best friends and played hide and seek with their kids and his kids, adults vs kids. One of the best days I've had in a long time.

Today went to dinner with them, played Wii, looked at pictures, just had a really great time together. It's a little scary. I've found something, I wanted it, wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Scary to open myself up to someone who is more than I expected. Weird being in a place where you don't have to wait for the other shoe to drop.

The job continues to be blessing after blessing. They restructured our compensation package and when my boss went over it with my Wed I just laughed. And laughed more when he kept adding to it. And then telling me I get a weekend off a month so I can have a life. Every concern I had about the job was taken care of. In a way much more than I expected.

Yesterday at the beach we're having a great time and Jason puts his daughters kite together, I look up and there's a huge butterfly kite flying in the sky. I just laughed.

Job that I love that is so much more than I expected. Guy I really care about that is so much more than I expected. My life fell apart quickly, my life is coming together really quickly. I knew this is how it would happen. I'm trying to fight all my natural instincts to freak out and just realize that God has a whole life full of blessings if we're willing to go through the hard times. I wouldn't have appreciated what's been given to me half as much had I not gone through the pain of the bad times. The way I feel now, more than worth what it took to get here.

I'm more blessed than I ever thought possible. I am loved, taken care of and more me than I've been in a very long time!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Gaining a little perspective...

My heart is heavy. I guess whether you are raised right or raised wrong everyone has demons they face. And I'm ok with that. Fight your demons. But fight them, don't push them off onto other people. Especially people who love, care and pray for you.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. No, it's copying. And I hate being copied. Almost as much as I hate jokes. Be your own person. If you're upset with someone, man up and own it. If you want something changed, be adult enough to confront it and change it. If you feel like someone has wronged you, talk to them. Don't run away and hide. How far does that get you? How's that working out?

I don't always handle myself in the smartest of ways. There are circumstances I could handle better. There are always things I could do different. But I'm not mad with who I am. And how I treat my family, or friends, or strangers, for that matter. I'm a good person. I'm a fun person. I'm a nice person to know.

I get needy sometimes and that neediness manifests itself in my looking for attention in places I need to delete off my radar. No one or nowhere bad but no where that's going to be a straight shot to where I want to be.

I know who I am. I'm going to be 32 in a few months and I feel more me than I've felt in a long time. Not divorced Melissa. Not miscarried Melissa. Not laid off Melissa. Not lost Jonas Melissa. God has taken each and everyone of those hard lessons and shown who I can be despite them. I'm not this way because of what I've faced. I'm this way in spite of all the hell I went through. And I came out on a better ground. My aunt said it best. My legs aren't shaky anymore. The ground beneath me is solid, I have a strong foothold. My job is going great. Step 1. God's paying attention. What else am I ready for on my stable, stiletto wearing legs? Not sure yet. I have so many hopes and dreams and ideas. I didn't place them in my heart. God did. And he's making sure I'm ready for those blessings as well.

I don't need riches, a man, a validate who I am. I have a loving family. I have caring friends. I have a great job. I don't have to make something beautiful of my life. My life is beautiful because of the blessings I've already received. I'll continue to pray prayers of thanksgiving and prayers with answers. This isn't all that's there is for me. There's so much more. I wish more people were on board to join me on this journey but I can't be mad about that. I'll celebrate the ones who are celebrating with me and continue to pray for the ones who aren't. For whatever reason. The are facing their own "meantimes" and I'm praying for them as well.

If we've ever needed you, Lord it's now....

Need you now God. For reconciliation, for healing, for revival, for guidance. My God is big enough. And I'm blessed because of it!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

If we've ever needed you..

Lord it's now...

New job, new stress. Traded the stress of unemployment with the stress of a new job. I don't like the first 2 months of a job. I like to be in control and I'm a perfectionist. Especially I guess being in radio for that time and spending a year learning a new business, being back in real estate I'm not very forgiving with myself not knowing stuff that I excelled at not too long ago. There's a learning curve. I'm trying to cut myself some slack. Close (fingers crossed) to maybe selling something. A month at the new job, that would be fantastic!

Homesick. Talked to Nana tonight then the phone went to Cooper. I didn't know he was going to be on the phone and it took a little out of me. Haven't seen him or Porter in a year. Carried on a conversation with Cooper and he tried to put Porter on the phone. Talked to them through my tears...I miss them. I know how important my aunts are to me. I want to be that important to them. Through the circumstances and distance, it's not easy. And it weights heavily on my heart.

Spent some time with some different circles of friends tonight. I'm in a good place. I can't complain. Again, unfortunately, doesn't stop me from wanting more. You get an inch and want a mile immediately. I know that's not how life happens. But seeing different situations and circumstances puts things in perspective. I miss Jonas. That doesn't change. I want him to know I'm thinking about him and love him. Have to pray that somewhere in his little heart and mind he knows that.

My heart is heavy for a lot of things and people and circumstances right now. I'm where I'm at because it's where I'm supposed to be. I don't want to be a white knuckled Christian, holding on stressed out until the next thing, good or bad, happens. "We are desperate for your hand, reaching out, reaching out. All our hearts, all our strength, all our minds are at your feet..."

I don't know at what point in my life, my walk, my road I'll finally be able to surrender control. I have so much on my heart. So much out of my control. So much I have laying on me. I need to lean on the people I can count on, trust in what I know is true and do what I know is right.

"If we've ever needed you, Lord it's now..." I need you now, Lord. As do so many people close to me. I pray that each and everyone of us finds the peace and guidance we need to get where we know we need to be.

I'm blessed. So much more than I let myself realize. Tomorrow will be a really good day!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Heavy hearted, suntanned and excited...

I miss my family. Always but especially on the holidays. Cookouts and stories and laughing. I'm more than blessed to have the family and support system I do. Always a great time with the parents, cousins and aunts and uncles and Nana and everyone. Wish I was there to celebrate the 4th. And eat Nana's spaghetti and meatballs.

Had a good day at the pool with a good friend. Tomorrow going to one of my best friends with some of my best friends. A day at the beach, his house, his pool, friends, food, fireworks. Will be a really good time. Hopefully won't go into the funk I'm trying so hard to stay out of.

I wish I could figure out the ins and outs and why's of how my brain and heart work. Today was kind of a this is your life play in my mind of a lot of things. A big part of that play was things I've done that I should have done differently. People I let treat me in a way I'm not proud of. I guess it's all part of the learning and growing process. When you know better you do better. I'm the "do better" portion of this chapter.

I ask for prayers for my family tonight and tomorrow. I remember being a kid in church and the pastor would ask for prayer requests and people would ask for prayers for various things. Then he always asked for those with unspoken prayer requests. And I'd look around as a child and see men, woman, young, old, raise their hand and he would look around and then start his prayer. It always struck me as something really special that God would know the hearts of so many people and that even if their prayer request was something that was too close to their heart to share, that He heard and knew. So that's what I'm doing. As a 31 yr old I'm channeling my inner 8 yr old and raising my hand for a prayer request that is too close to my heart to share. But I know now that it wasn't just me looking around in church to see who raised their hand. It was the faithful prayer warriors that looked around to see who needed that special prayer. So I'm believing that God is hearing my prayers, that those special people who believe in the power of prayer will take some extra time for my unspoken request.

I pray that this holiday is filled with family, friends and really special times for you all!

Friday, July 2, 2010


I went out with some girlfriends to dinner tonight and saw 3 guys I've dated. Jacksonville is the biggest city in the country and I can't go anywhere without seeing someone I've been out with.

It's tiring. It's annoying. It's exhausting. I'm sad. 4th of July was one of Jonas' favorite holidays. I remember years when we'd take him downtown to watch the fireworks. Last year I went to one of my best friend's for a cookout. Brought a guy I was dating. It didn't work out. Clearly. This year I'm going stag...

A lot of people I know are sad for what they had and lost, as far as guys go. I don't know what it says about me but I look back on all the guys I've dated over that past few years, and I've dated a lot of guys, I don't feel like I've lost out on any of them. None of them are the one that got away. If anything, running into the guys tonight, confirmed to me that I made the right decision in not dating them anymore.

I guess what's most hard is what I miss the most, I have no control over. I miss J more everyday. I pray that he's ok, that he's taken care of. That he's loved, that he feels special and that he knows what a great little boy he is.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I don't have much, if any, control over my emotions. I have my job. I have my family. I have my friends. What I don't have is my little boy. It's a pain few people understand and no one can really share with me. Aside from my parents. Who lost their grandson when I lost my little boy..

I'm going to be stronger. I'm going to not be that girl who will give attention to guys simply because they give attention to me. I didn't know how great my job would be until I started it. It was a rough 14 months of searching but I feel like the job I've got is the right job for me. I had a job in the "meantime" that seemed like a great opportunity. Until I realized it was a scam. So much like dating. The irony of the that isn't lost on me.

I was fooled once and I was heartbroken when everything came out. God has brought me through too much for that to happen again. I heard something recently that said "Don't forget to laugh, you never know who's falling in love with your smile." All I can do is continue to do what I know to do. The guys I've dated have been a good lesson in a lot of things. The biggest lesson is to follow and trust your heart. I'm sad. I'm missing my family, my little boy, having a family to take care of. But God hasn't brought me this far to leave me now.

I'm blessed. I can be sad but I know that tomorrow when I wake up I'll be excited to see what new people, circumstances and life brings to me. I know the heart of my God. Whenever I forget that I can think of me sitting on his lap and Him reassuring me. I love J and would do anything in the world for him. How much more does my Heavenly Father want to do for me? I'm waiting to see...

I know it will be well worth the wait!

Happy 4th to you all. I pray it's filled with friends, family and many blessings! I'm ready to see what blessings are in store for me...