Sunday, June 27, 2010

Serial dating, changes and paychecks

I get my 2nd paycheck this week. Yay! Starting my 4th week tomorrow. Got "promoted" to sales from training Thurs. Expectation was that it would be 2 months. The feedback that my boss has given me from the trainers in sales, computers and construction has all been nothing but really positive and encouraging. Everyday I'm shown in different ways how great this company really is and how right it is for me.

When I was in Houston I had a missed call from a number I didn't know. No voicemail. That annoys me. I'm one of those people that calls back numbers. I called it back and a guy answers with a "Hey, how ya been?" I had no idea who it was. No idea. So I asked and he said Jason. No idea still who it was. He had a client call so he had to end the call before I could figure it out. I was standing around a few people I'd met in training and called Whit and the conversation goes something like this.."Have I dated a Jason?", her "Jason? No, I don't think so." Me, "Have I gone out with a Jason?" Her, "Jason? No, doesn't sound familiar." I convey the story to her and neither of us has any idea who he is. I get off the phone and the people I was standing near were looking at me funny. One asked if I really just called a friend to see if she remembered a guy I'd dated because I couldn't remember. I finally figured it out when he texted me back. Met him once and he lives out of town and we talked via text mostly. Kind of a trick question if you ask me.

Yesterday I got a call from a number I didn't know. And he left me a voicemail that said, "Hey stranger, just checking to see if you're still alive. Call me back when you get a chance." No idea who it was. Voice sounded familiar. I purged numbers not so long ago. So stupid. Because all the guys I've dated always call back and I need to know who's who for my own curiosity if nothing else. Because that scenario played out like this...I sent a text, "I'm sorry, not sure who this is, can you let me know?" His reply.."Nevermind." Booo!! So I call the number back and it went to voicemail. His voice, no name offered up. Booo!! No idea who it is and it's killing me. Signs 146 and 147 you've dated too many people - When they identify themselves and you can't place them, when they leave you a voicemail and you recognize the voice but can't place them.

Had a guy I've never gone out with but chatted briefly with send me a text today that said "I'm not the right guy for you. Best of luck." Uh, ok. Thanks for the honesty. Had 2 old flames pop back into the picture. I need a new picture. I'm glad I've dated so many different guys and personality types, only way to figure out what you want, what you need, what you won't settle for, and a never ending supply of really good stories. But, it's exhausting. Seriously, it's a full time job!

Tomorrow I'm implementing some changes. Not going to talk about them, just going to do it and wait for people to notice the difference. Tired of being the "I'm going to..." girl. I'm going to be the "I'm doing it..." girl. Got my job, that was one step in the right direction. Going to take a few more and see where it leads me.

I'm blessed. I'm taking stock of a lot of things and going to do some stuff differently. Will be excited to see where it takes me! Hopefully to a land of new guys I've never dated before!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Walls they are a crumbling...

It's amazing how right things are when they're right. And how easy it is. And how less stressful it is. And how good you feel. And how much more rest you get when you're not trying to control things outside of your control.

This job is right for me. As is the company. As are the people I'm working with. It all just fits. And after years of trying to make things fit that didn't, this whole being able to breath because the weight of the world's not resting on my shoulders feel pretty great.

The walls I've put up are slowly coming down. And I only realize it when something happens that should affect me one way and it affects me another because the wall of doubt, or shame, or fear, or sadness, when the walls aren't blocking life, blessings really do come your way.

I'm not worried anymore. I'm not broken anymore. I feel just really taken care of, really protected, really loved and overly blessed.

My life is moving me in many directions. Some are scary, sure. It's new and unknown. But I also know that it's moving me in the way of my hopes and dreams and those aren't scary. I haven't been set up to fail. I haven't been shown what I can be to not be that person. I haven't been shown how right things can be to be disappointed again. Im not wearing rose colored glasses skipping through a meadow but I'm confidant that my prayers are being heard, the right things are coming my way and it's all leading me to a place I've wanted to be for a long time. Where I'm supposed to be. And it feels great!!

My prayers and hopes to each of you that whatever you are facing right now that you'll find the healing to let go, let the walls down and live. Its scary, its painful sometimes but I'm living proof that God guides you where you need to go, when you're ready to be there. Knock the walls down and start moving in that direction. Took me years, feels good to be here. I'm going to stay awhile...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Not losing my mind...not losing my mind...

If I keep saying it I'm hoping it becomes my reality. Because right now I feel like I'm losing my mind...

There's a huge change in my working world. 3 years ago when I was selling in new homes in the same community I am now, the prices were $200k higher. And 3 years ago when I was selling houses I would leave work and go to Jonas' school to pick him up when I got off work. Or I'd go to Mom and Dad's to pick him up from their house. Driving to their house now I can't hardly stand it. I cry the whole way home.

I don't know why Jonas is so much on my heart and in the fore front of my mind. It's more so now than ever before in the past 2 years since I've seen him. Today I had a great day. Had a realtor focus group with the developer of one of our communities to introduce a new product. It was exciting, I was on my A game, I felt important and involved. Then I went to my car and 3 litttle guys walked by my car on their way to the water park...they of course reminded me of Jonas so I cried the whole way back to my community. I went to Starbucks and as I was sitting in line I made my monthly pledge to the local Christian radio station. A few minutes later, sitting in line, waiting for my chai tea latte, I heard my name announced on the radio. I'd won a dinner for 2 at a fancy restaurant. I was entered into a drawing I wasn't even aware of. It was a nice surprise. A butterfly moment...

God's giving me butterfly moments still. This company that I'm working for continues to impress and amaze me everyday with their committment to employee satisfaction. That's new for me. I couldn't be happier with my job. But I can't hide the hurt and ache that is ever so present in my heart for a little boy that I raised as my own. I can't stop my tears. I can't stop the pain. Because this time 3 years ago the prices of the homes I was selling were $200k higher but this time 3 years ago, I was also a mom. I left everyday and took my little boy home. To our house. I made sure he was taken care of. I spent the evenings making dinner with him, teaching him things, loving him and just enjoying being a mom.

I'm not sure of this new meantime I'm in. It's confusing me. It's harder than I expected. I know the promises and dreams God has put in my heart. I'm not sure why they are so obvious and in my face right now. I know that whenever I think of Jonas, I pray for him. So he's getting a lot of prayers his way. I can't worry about him. I have had to let him go. I don't know that that's a fair request of any mother out let go of a child that is still out there living.

95% of the time I'm good. I'm able to function and move forward. the 5% of crazy that I feel is manifesting itself right now in a very real way, which is hard. I'm trying. I'm doing my best to pick up the pieces and move on. If God didn't know I was strong enough to handle this, he wouldn't have me go through it. I know this.

I just miss my little boy. More and more everyday. I'll get through it. The past 4 years have shown me I'm stronger than I think and I'm able to get through more than anyone should. My day will day will day will come...

And until that day comes I'll continue to be thankful for the blessings I have and pray for the little guy that still to this day has my heart. I miss him so much but I know, I have to believe, that even though I'm not the one taking care of him, that he is loved, taken care of and is ok.

And I will be too. Ok. I will be ok!

Monday, June 21, 2010

In a funk. And hot. And blah blah blah

I've had a headache for about a week now. I think it's allergies, coupled with it being soo hot, coupled with traveling and training and stress.

My job is going really well. I can't complain about my life. Doesn't stop me from wanting to though. Sad, huh? Waited so long to get this job and still wanting more. I'm trying to rationalize the crazy and I really can't. Grass is greener, can't judge a book by it's cover, insert annoying catch phrase here. I know I'm blessed. I know I'm lucky. I just can't help wanting what I used to have. Not my house, not my faux marriage, not even the success I had in real estate years ago. I miss being a mom. I miss Jonas. More and more everyday for some reason. It's been 2 years since I've seen him. I can't even imagine what he's like now. It hurts my heart trying to imagine it but I can't stop.

Satan is working overtime. I know it and can recognize it, that's honestly, probably the one thing keeping me moderately sane and focused on the right things right now. Not willing to let him gain any foothold.

I'm fighting to not get sick. I'm fighting to not get sad. I'm fighting to stay content in knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's a good place. I'll have my kids one day. I'll see Jonas again. Until I do I'll continue to pray for him everyday and every time he crosses my heart and mind. That little guy gets a lot of prayers his way.

I'm blessed. I know I am. Right now though I'm just a gal missing her lil guy. Tomorrow will be better.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Home sweet home...

Back in Jax after a week in Houston TX. Had a good week. Training with my new company, meeting new friends, great food, driven around in a Town Car w a driver all week, staying in the Marriott, expense accounts....Can get used to that.

I'm exhausted. Mentally more so than physically but exhausted none the less. Training was a great reminder in what I already knew, some new things I had never thought of and the reassurance from the coach's and colleagues that I 1. I know my stuff 2. I'm good at my stuff and 3. I'm going to be successful at this again. Because it's what I know, it's what I love and it's what I'm good at.

Met some cowboys while I was there. Flip flop, shorts, baseball hat wearing cowboys but cowboys still. Those TX guys really know how to treat the ladies and make you feel special.

Also got a lesson in life and disappointment. I feel like I've learned how to be a really true version of myself over the past few years. I have insecurities still. But my insecurities affect me. I don't project my fears and shortcomings onto other people...finding out that that isn't the case for everyone hurts. Especially when it involves you. Being dragged into a situation that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else's hangups with themself isn't a lesson I was ready for or expecting. I know people go through bad times, I know how hard it is to be in a bad place. But I'm not going to excuse bad behavior that's hurtful and just not true. I got schooled in more than real estate training this week.

I'm tired so I'm emotional. My feelings are hurt, my heart's disappointed. I'm also missing Jonas like crazy. Kids flock to me. I had 4 random kids today, all boys, come up to me at different points in the airport talking to me, asking me questions, engaging me in their excitement over flying. They couldnt have been more than 7 or 8. Jonas's age. I also realized tonight that yes, I've started a new chapter in my life. I've moving on to new and exciting things, but the pain and sadness of missing what you've lost doesn't go away. Time makes it easier but it doesn't erase it. You have to give yourself permission to grieve. And then pick yourself up and keep going.

I'm blessed. In so many ways. I have an opportunity to be successful with a really great company. I have many doors that will be opened for me, to places I never imagined. And I'm ready for it...hurts, hangups, excitement, surprises and all.

As I learned in TX...Yeehaw!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Exhausted. Employed. And Emotional...

I worked my first 40+ week in over 15 months. And I'm beat. It's a good kind of exhausted but exhausted none the less.

Being back in real estate is weird. It's a comfortable kind of being that just fits. I have been there for a week. I don't know enough about the builder, floorplans, showcase homes to be overly competitive but I know how to sell. I know how to talk to people. I know how to build relationships. Some things you just don't forget. One of the biggest compliments my boss has given me is that he's sending me to training but you can't teach someone what I have. I'm going to learn "their" way and "their" stuff but what I have can't be taught by anyone. That spoke really loudly to who I am. As a salesperson, a woman and a friend.

It's a catch 22. I want to be successful today. I want to be independent yesterday. I want to prove myself tomorrow! It's going to take time. And I've made huge strides in healing and moving on but I'm human and there's still voices and demons I battle that try to tell me different from what I know to be true...

I'm going to Houston Sunday. Going to have O'Nanna waiting for me in a town car at the airport to take me to my hotel. I told Kristen tonight that I'm flying across the country. Apparently I'm not and I need some work on my map skills. But regardless, I'm getting away. I'm going to be on my own for the first time in a really long time. I'm not going to be with family. I'm not going to be with friends. I'm going to be by myself. And I don't think it could have come at a better time.

I have some soul searching to do. I have some demons to fight. I have some tears to shed. Of thankfulness, of letting go, of sadness, of moving forward more quickly than I thought I would. I wanted to move out of the meantime. I have. I have to make sure I'm headed in the right direction, in every area of my life.

I'm blessed. I'm tired. I'm wondering and I'm excited. My life is coming together. I need to make sure I'm ready for it...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Nose ring no more...Welcome back bad guys

Guys that I've given up on months ago are coming out of the woodworks. Annoying. And intriguing. Of course. Which makes it more annoying. Bad boys, baseball players. Both love their parents, their families. Remains to be seen if they have it in them to offer me what I deserve. And my standards have definitaly been raised. Funny what getting a good job does for the spirit. And the bar at which standards are set.

I'm cranky. I'm on my cycle for the 6th time in 8 weeks. Not normal. And I'm not normal anyhow. Its making me a cranky and emotional and bloaty mess. More so than normal. And I have to pack for a business trip feeling this way. I hate that I can't control my emotions, water retention, eating carbs...blah blah blah. Somethings not right inside me. When I get back from Houston I need to go to the dr and find out why I'm feeling as I am. Not going to keep feeling like this every few weeks. Can't do it.

Work is going well. Feels good being back in something I know and am comfortable with. I look forward to the training and knowledge I'll gain over the next few weeks so I can really do and be my best for them. And for me.

Satan is working overtime on me. Trying to bring me down. Make me doubt, make me cry, make me want more than I have, be jealous of others. Not falling into the trap. I'm excited. I'm going to Houston. By myself. On a working vacation!! And I'm going to have a great time!

I do stupid stuff. I sucked my nose ring down the vacuum when I was cleaning the car. I fall down a lot. I get attached to people and things I shouldn't. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm becoming a better me. This process didn't end with me getting a job. Kind of just the new beginning.

Going to bed. Blessed, excited about next week and who I'll meet and what I'll get to experience. As a single, 31 yr old, employed gal. And I'm ok with all that. For the moment!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Exhausted, road rash and burnt cookies

Back into the swing of things. And so tired. Yesterday was busy with realtors and customers and learning and showing. Forgot how fun it is to walk homes under construction in 90+ heat in 4" heels.

Day started off promising. Then quickly went downhill as I came off the steps of the construction trailer, my heels stuck in the white rock walkway and I dropped to my knees. The only reason I didnt face plant was thanks to the 5" binder I was carrying that acted as a prop. Luckily for me the 20 yr old intern was right there beside me to help me up. I stopped her from getting the gravel out of my knees. I have pride.

So Weekley's thing is to make Otis Spunkmeyer cookies every 3 hours. To make the house smell good and a snack for the buyers. Its smart. Unless you burn the cookies then it defeats the purpose of both. And I burnt them really good. Which was probably my subconscious sabotaging my baking efforts so I don't eat the stupid cookies every 3 hours. If I don't stop, I'm soon going to be the size of a house.

Got my travel plans today. They're putting me up in a fancy hotel just blocks away from the 4th largest mall in the country. And I get my first check Tues. And it's not direct deposit yet so it will be here while I'm in TX. Blocks away from the 4th largest mall in the country. BOOO!!! They're sending their limo company to pick me up from the airport to take me to the hotel. Seems a little over the top WHICH I LOVE!! Going to have my fancy luggage, big glasses and high heels looking for the limo driver carrying a little sign with my name on it. For some reason I feel like this has disaster written all over it.

So my dating sabbatical is working out well as I'm in bed by 930 every night. All joking aside it's so nice to be back into a routine. Back into a business I know. It's really amazing and kind of sad though how much to market has changed in the 3 years since I was in it. But the basics are the same, prices are just (WAY) lower.

I'm blessed. Struggling to stay awake, not gain weight, not get too overwhelmed and blah blah blah but this beats the meantime, anytime!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hello job, my name's Melissa...

Tomorrow's the big day. Actually it will probably be a little anti climatic as I'll spend most of the day doing paperwork and blah blah blah BUT I'll get paid for it. Because it's at the place that I have a job. Where they pay me!! And a week from today I'll be on a plane going to Houston for a week. Not a too shabby start to June.

This weekend has been spent with friends. Fri night was fun, yesterday was at the pool all day and way into the night with friends, today was the beach and a cookout with friends. I declared over bbq and mac n cheese that I would be hosting a dinner at MY place in 6 months! And I will.

I was in quite a funk this week. I think maybe just the mass amount of emotions of interviewing, being extended an offer so fast, accepting, getting a hire date, finding out I'm flying out next week to a place I've never been, the excitement of getting back into a business I love and am really good at. This is the change I've been wanting and expecting and it finally hit me last night. Hi breakdown, we meet again!!

My life's about to change. Meetings, people, opportunities. Job stress. I'm moving on.

Moving on from being unemployed. Stagnant. Groundhog's Day. Meantime. Bye bye!!

God has a plan for my life. Never have questioned that. Have questioned his timing in my impatient moments but never the fact that He has better for me. The plans, dreams, hopes that have been in my heart all this time are even more magnified now. Maybe because I see how His hand moved in me getting this job. It didn't always make sense, actually a lot of times it didn't make senese, but HE worked it out. I just had to be faithful and do my part.

I know I'll be successful. I know I'll find someone that I'll fall in love with. I know that I'll have kids. I was missing Jonas, realizing it's been 2 years since I've seen him and talking to mom about it. I asked her, how do you know that I'll be a Mom again? She said, "Because you're a mom now. You don't have Jonas or your baby, but that doesn't make you any less of a mom." And it's true. I haven't "sold" anything in the past year but I never stopped being a salesperson. It's who I am, it's what I love, what I know. And so is being a mom. I don't have a son to bathe, sing to, read to, play with, teach things to, but my love for him is still alive in my heart. I am a Mom. And as God saw fit that the timing was right for me to sell again, he'll see fit, in His timing, for me to be a Mom again.

I've been wondering about changing my name back to Melissa Harris. When I got married and changed my name, it took me so long to feel like Melissa Billington, that when I got divorced, I wasn't ready to change it. I feel no ties to the crazy man whose name I took but I did feel a tie to Jonas. I was crying to Mom last night (God bless her and my emotional breakdowns) and told her that when I see Jonas again I want to be Melissa Billington for him. She said the only name that would be important to him, is Missy. Wise woman she is.

So, tomorrow I will put on my sassiest business suit, highest heels and open the door back into the real estate world. Real estate won't just be something I love and am passionate about from afar anymore. It will be part of who I am.

And I'm ok waiting until God's timing plays out for me to take that same walk back into wife and motherhood. God's never late, seldom early, but everything is right in His time. (Thanks Nana)

I'm blessed. I'm nervous, excited and so beyond ready to take that step into the known!! I'm back!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Tonight I went to dinner we my girlfriends. And I'm on my dating sabatical. Met a guy that plays professional baseball. Of course....

He was all about me. Wanted to know my life story, where I came from, what I did. 2 nights ago I had a date with a guy that is 100% into his career, lived a fancy life, had all the right answers. But it wasn't right. In either case.

I don't know who God has in store for me. I married the wrong guy, I know that much. I still honestly believe I married him for the right reasons. Just the wrong guy. Hard admission to make myself, let alone others. Some of my friends are married, some are dating, some still single. I honestly don't know whether it's a blessing or a curse that I'm now in the "divoreced"box.

I know this much. God has made me and designed me for a specific purpose in life. I honestly feel like through my divorce, being a mother, losing Jonas, having a miscarriage, losing my house, blah blah blah, that I"ll be able to witness, help, whatever to other people...

I can't lie. I look forward to the time that I can witness, help, talk to people as I am. I had a kind of "this is your life" moment today. I communicated with a lot of people I haven't been in touch with for awhile. Some were receptive, some weren't.

I don't know where this new road is going to lead me. But I know, sure as I'm sitting here, that this is the right road for me. Will it lead to riches, husbands, kids, my dreams? I don't know. But if I have learned anything from the past 15 months of the meantime, it's this...God leads you to where you need to be, he gives you what you need, and he equips you with the tools to get through where he's taking you.

I may not have everything I wish I did. I may still question of why and where I'm going. But He's shown me through scriputre, butterlfies or loved ones answers, I'm where I need to be. If that's good enough for Him, it's good enough for me.

I'm blessed. In 4 days I'll be starting a new adventure and I can't wait to see where this leads me. God is good. All the time. My unemployment runs out this week. Next week I'll have a paycheck. My COBRA runs out in 2 months. In 2 months I'll have health benefits. I'm not sure why my life has been running to the wire. I have faith. I have trust. But God has shown me, literally, in every area of my life, how much he cares about the details.

So in my dating sabitcal I'm ging to lean on him. He's not lead my astray this far, I know he won't leave me now. Trusting, believing and blessed. What more does a girl need...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted...

Where is he? Gotta love Sex and the City. Such wisdom.

"I missed the Jaguar season last year because I was in rehab." "What kind of dressing would you like on your salad, and oh, btw, I don't ever want kids and had a vasectomy years ago." "I saw on facebook you were going to be here so I hope you don't mind me showing up." "I'm going to date my exwife who has a boyfriend she likes better than me, but what the heck?" "I like you too much it freaked me out so I'm going to hate you instead." "I'm going to call you a nickname that makes your eye twitch everytime I say it. And I'm going to say it a lot." "Oh yea, I know your ex husband's new wife, I think I dated her." "I have (fake) cancer, and I'm going to fake my death to try to get myself out of the web of lies and destruction I've created and I'm going to emotionally involve you, that ok?"

THIS is just a sampling of the conversations I've had with guys I've either dated or went out with recently. Do any of these give you warm and fuzzies? Make you so jealous that you're not single and able to do whatever you want? No, didn't think so.

Dating is not for the weak of heart. If you can have a sense of humor about it it produces good stories and free meals at least. But for crying out loud, enough is enough.

5 days and I'll have a new hobby that doesn't include men, guys, testosterone, egos. I'm going to have a job!! A real job! Where I get to dress up, be charming and talk people into doing what I think they should do!

It took me 15 months of sending out resumes, going on stupid interviews that went nowhere, talking to more recruiters and HR and managers than I care to remember BUT it finally produced a job. From 1st interview to offer, 5 days! I am hoping when I meet the right guy I'll follow the same route of rapidness. A girl can dream.

I haven't lost my sense of humor. Yet. I am going to take a dating sabbatical. I've deleted all the numbers in my phone of the dumb boys that make me crazy. And what's crazy is how quickly my phone fills back up with numbers of more dumb guys that make me crazy and how many times I've gone through this number purging exercise. But I digress..

Dating sabbatical. New job. New adventures, new people, new dating pool. For when I get off my dating sabbatical, of course.

I'm blessed. If not a little tired of the dating nonsense but confidant that God will give me everything I want and need, when I'm ready and when I need it. If I can stay out of the nunnery for that long...