Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It's my bday!! Yay!

I love my bday. My bday week (month) started off yesterday with a cake, muffins, fruit, juice, balloon, flowers and present from Denise. So thoughtful. Have already been overwhelmed with the outpouring of texts, calls, emails and messages this morning from friends and family making this day extra special. I love my bday!

Jason has something sneaky planned. He's been working on something for a few weeks and I finally get to see what it is tonight. We're going to dinner w our parents then back to my condo for cake and the unveiling of his masterpiece. Him and dad are off tooling around today working on something. They make me laugh. He makes me feel incredibly special.

I'll never forget sitting with mom at the Gator Bowl luncheon last New Years Eve. At the VIP table, listening to Coach Bobby Bowden speak, eating our steak, she leans over to me and says, this is how the new year is starting, can you even imagine what's in store for this next year?

Beyond my wildest dreams is what's been in store for this past year. Amazing job that I've already had more success at than I imagined. A man who is more than I ever expected to find. A beautiful place of my own that I call home. New friends, old friends, new family, my amazing family....my cup is flooding over!

This time last year I was surrounded by my family in KY. Was great being with them but my mind was busy with questions of what my 31st year would bring. A job? A man? Independence? Yes, yes and yes. Now my mind is swirling with hopes and dreams and wishes for my 32nd year. I'll wait to make those wishes as I blow out my candles but I'm pretty sure God has been working out the details long before I dreamed them.

I'm 32. I'm blessed, loved, taken care of and spoiled rotten by the people in my life. I am a very happy girl!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Refreshed and in love...

Had a really great few days with Jason in Savannah. We shopped at some really fun boutiques, ate some ridiculously good food, walked around a lot of shops, rode scooters through the squares...a lot of fun things. My favorite part of the trip was Thurs night after dinner. We sat by the river and talked for hours. About everything and nothing and I really understand now what it means when people say they love someone more today than yesterday. I love him more and more everyday and I have never in my life felt so loved, protected, adored and taken care of as when I'm with him.

Aside from that, he makes me laugh. All the time. From my belly. How refreshing to have found someone that I can be myself with. Who brings out the best side of who I am. Who appreciates my abilities, forgives my flaws and loves me for both.

I haven't forgotten the struggles and pain and heartache that got me here. I don't dwell on it but I think I'd be doing myself a great disservice if I didn't let myself remember what I went through to be where I am now. I love deeper. I love more. I hope bigger.

The past 4 years changed me. Changed how I react to things, how I look at things and how I deal with things. I'm proud of myself for not giving up. I'm thankful for my family who wouldn't allow me to give up. I'm grateful for my friends who stood beside me when all I could offer was very little. I know what having your heart broken feels like. I know what losing a child feels like. I know what divorce feels like. I know what desperation feels like...

And because of the love and Grace of God I now know what being head over heels in love with the right man feels like. I know what success once again feels like. I know that I will one day know what having my own baby feels like. I can't wait to experience that will the man I love.

My life isn't normal. I'll always have crazy things happen to me. But I wouldn't trade what I've gone through for anything. I got to love a special little boy for 4 years. I got to learn how to love in a different way. I found out I'm stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. It used to really rub me the wrong way when people would say that I finally let go of my past so I was able to move on. Not accurate. I was finally healed enough to open my heart to love, life and new experiences.

I'm blessed, in love and happy as I've ever been!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Doesn't always make sense. The girl I mentioned in my last post passed away. The funeral for her and her babies is today at 1pm. She was only 28. Please remember her family. Her husband. Her 3 kids she raised because their birth mother passed away. They've experienced the loss of 2 mothers in a very short time. I can't imagine the pain they are going through.

I dont know her. I don't know her family. But her story touched me and I know that when I faced my darkest moments, the prayers of those I knew and those I didn't is what got me through. Please keep the Evans and Bond families in your prayers.

I realized last night how scared of failing I've been. I'm blessed and so excited for the direction my life has taken but I've sold myself short. In my job, with friends, with family, with Jason. With what I have to offer and what I can do. I think I was so scared of falling short again that I havent been living to the full potential of this me I've become. I'm working on that.

I miss J still, all the time. Especially with Halloween around the corner. And my bday and the holidays. He was a very special little boy and I wonder all the time what kind of boy he's growing into to. I'll continue to pray for him and trust that he's taken care of and loved.

So many exciting things happening. Going to Savannah for a few days with Jason tomorrow. Havent been on a vacation in way too long. This mini vaca is coming at a really good time. I'm ready to get out of town with my man.

I pray you all realize how precious life is, how blessed we all are to have the time we do with those we love. I know I'm looking at my life differently and thanking God everyday for those who are part of it.

I'm blessed and ready to see where this road continues to take me!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Prayers requested...

Please continue to pray for my dad. He is really uncomfortable in his brace and not sleeping well at all. He's going stir crazy and feels like he's going to lose his mind sometimes not being able to move his arm from the position it's in. His surgery was almost 2 weeks ago so he's got at least 4 more weeks in that brace. Thank you.

Also I'm asking for prayers for a young gal I don't know personally but who is heavy on my heart. http://lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com/ is her website. She married a man whose first wife passed away and she was raising his 3 kids as her own. She was pregnant with twins and went into early labor last week and lost both babies. As she was delivering her placenta she had a blood clot go to her lungs and she had a heart attack. It was 17 minutes before they could revive her and she's been in a coma for over a week now, her kidney's have shut down, she's on a ventilator and she's got no brain activity. Her brother lost his wife in June after a very short battle with brain cancer. This family has been through one ugly trial after another. Please lift them up in your prayers and pray for Leslie, her parents, her husband, their kids, her brother, the dr's, her family and friends. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering they are facing and I know that they need the peace that only God can provide.

Thank you for your prayers, I know that God will hear each one and give comfort only He can give.

I'm blessed, everyday I'm reminded just how much...

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My cup runneth over...

The past few months have been ridiculously good. And crazy. And overwhelming. Sometimes all I can do is laugh at how different my life is, how much has changed, and how many blessings continue to fall my way.

I'm in love. With so many things...

An amazing guy, Jason, who is handsome and funny and charming and witty. He's a great father, he's a caring son, friend, boyfriend. He loves my family, I love his. He fits right into my life and my heart. I feel so blessed to have him in my life.

My job is going great. Sold 4 houses over the past few months and having closing and getting commission checks (!!!!!!!) once again and I feel like my old self, only a better, more me version of who I used to be. The people I work for, with, the people I sell houses to, I love it.

Jason's kids are so much fun. And sweet. And funny. And going to tball practices and watching them dance and play and taking them to school, I've missed having kids in my life. At times the loss of J knocks me down but I take a step back, cry when I need to, pray for him and move on. That's what got me to where I am, I learned to keep moving on...

Friends are pregnant. Falling in love. Getting married. Going through divorce. Losing jobs. Losing themselves. Ebbs and flows of life. Up one minute, crashing the next. Laughing at a story, crying over a heartache. Its what bonds us together I guess and shows you who is meant to be in your life. The ones who allow you to laugh when you can, cry when you need to and celebrate the victories. And who allow you to reciprocate with them. And I am. Celebrating the good news of my friends, hurting for the ones facing things I wish they didn't have to face. Its hard growing up. It's easier when you have great people growing up with you.

My Dad is 60. Emotional!! I remember when my grandfather's turned 60. Doesn't seem like my Dad should be old enough to be that old. I'm reminded constantly and continually how lucky I am to be blessed with the parents I have. Jason has given my parents the gift of laughter. He makes them belly laugh. And that makes me happy.

I'm going to be 32 in 33 days. Yikes. How is it possible that I'm old enough to be that old? I don't look at day over 31. I've embarked on a new fitness/healthy lifestyle regime. To be a better me. To prepare for all the things that come with falling in love and finding the person you want to make your forever with. Marriage, kids, life.

When much is given, much is expected. I'm trying to remember everyday what brought me to where I am. Not in a looking to the past to hold me back way but in a look how far I've come way. The next few months are going to be busy, exciting and chaotic. And I'm loving every minute of it.

I'm blessed. More than I deserve!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Whole lotta change...

Post 150. That's a whole lotta my life I've shared over the past year or so. Thanks for reading and for your words of encouragement and prayers. Has gotten me through...

Things come in 3's. Got a great job. Found a great guy. Found a great place to live. Moving in 2 weeks. Trying really hard not to freak out. I know I deserve all of the good that has come my way and I've prayed for my life to come together, just not sure I was prepared for the speed that everything happened. My head is still spinning.

My job is going great. Need to sell a few houses this weekend. Fingers crossed, sales cap on! Going to close some people. I love being back in the business. Love overcoming objections, meeting people, learning things. Feels really good to be back in the game of sales that I'm so comfortable in.

Jason is great. More than I expected to find in one person. He makes me feel incredibly special and protected. He makes me laugh, I can talk to him, I trust him. He's a really good person. He's a great dad, grandson, son, friend. It's overwhelming sometimes that we fit so comfortably into each other's lives but it's an overwhelming I welcome. I feel more myself with him than I've felt in a long time. I know a big part of that is because my life started coming together and he has added to it. I didn't want someone to complete my life, I wanted someone to add to it. And he most definitely has. With a really great family, 3 adorable kids and friends who have welcomed me in.

My condo....YIKES! Biggest freak out inducing change I think. I've been with a safety net for the past few years. Thought about moving out from time to time, never had the means or that great of a desire to do so until recently. Mom and Dad are amazing. I'd live here forever if I didn't miss my things and space so much. I know it sounds dramtic but I'm going to miss them. Only moving 15 minutes away but as I've said 1000 times lately, I'm blessed beyond measure with my parents. Beautiful condo, resort style community, area of town I wanted. I cant wait to get settled and really back on my feet. Scares me. More than I care to admit. I failed before. Whose fault, the reasons, doesn't matter. I can't fail at this again. I know God hasn't brought me this far to leave me. I've prayed about the decisions I'm making and it seems that this is the right decision for me.

My life fell apart really fast. It's come together even faster. It's scary. It's exciting. It's overwhelming and it's stressful. I'm trying to enjoy the changes, the blessings, the opportunities and challenges that a new job, new relationship and new place bring. I've done this before. It didn't work out last time. I'm different now. I'm different because of it. I'm different in spite of it. I've learned so much over the past 3 years it seems silly to even draw any references to the old me. But I haven't forgotten what got me here and the pain of what I went through to get here. Without the rain there'd be no rainbows. I'm enjoying the rainbows that life is showing me everyday.

Rainbows, butterflies, cranky and freak outs. I'm pretty sure my life is always going to have a healthy dose of all of those things. But my life is never boring. Ever. It's made for some really great stories and one day a best seller....

I'm blessed. I'm going to try to keep my freaking out to a minimum and enjoy the blessings God is so freely sending my way! Blessed and moving forward...yay!!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Finally time to blog about it...

I met a guy. We were both somewhere neither one of us wanted to really be, hanging out with friends and we started talking and haven't really stopped...

I don't really even know what to say, other than I have found someone really special. I spent the day yesterday with him and his kids. Who are so adorable and funny and sweet. We went to the beach and jumped waves and built sand castles. Then went to his Mom's and played in her pool and had dinner. Then went to his best friends and played hide and seek with their kids and his kids, adults vs kids. One of the best days I've had in a long time.

Today went to dinner with them, played Wii, looked at pictures, just had a really great time together. It's a little scary. I've found something, I wanted it, wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Scary to open myself up to someone who is more than I expected. Weird being in a place where you don't have to wait for the other shoe to drop.

The job continues to be blessing after blessing. They restructured our compensation package and when my boss went over it with my Wed I just laughed. And laughed more when he kept adding to it. And then telling me I get a weekend off a month so I can have a life. Every concern I had about the job was taken care of. In a way much more than I expected.

Yesterday at the beach we're having a great time and Jason puts his daughters kite together, I look up and there's a huge butterfly kite flying in the sky. I just laughed.

Job that I love that is so much more than I expected. Guy I really care about that is so much more than I expected. My life fell apart quickly, my life is coming together really quickly. I knew this is how it would happen. I'm trying to fight all my natural instincts to freak out and just realize that God has a whole life full of blessings if we're willing to go through the hard times. I wouldn't have appreciated what's been given to me half as much had I not gone through the pain of the bad times. The way I feel now, more than worth what it took to get here.

I'm more blessed than I ever thought possible. I am loved, taken care of and more me than I've been in a very long time!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Gaining a little perspective...

My heart is heavy. I guess whether you are raised right or raised wrong everyone has demons they face. And I'm ok with that. Fight your demons. But fight them, don't push them off onto other people. Especially people who love, care and pray for you.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. No, it's copying. And I hate being copied. Almost as much as I hate jokes. Be your own person. If you're upset with someone, man up and own it. If you want something changed, be adult enough to confront it and change it. If you feel like someone has wronged you, talk to them. Don't run away and hide. How far does that get you? How's that working out?

I don't always handle myself in the smartest of ways. There are circumstances I could handle better. There are always things I could do different. But I'm not mad with who I am. And how I treat my family, or friends, or strangers, for that matter. I'm a good person. I'm a fun person. I'm a nice person to know.

I get needy sometimes and that neediness manifests itself in my looking for attention in places I need to delete off my radar. No one or nowhere bad but no where that's going to be a straight shot to where I want to be.

I know who I am. I'm going to be 32 in a few months and I feel more me than I've felt in a long time. Not divorced Melissa. Not miscarried Melissa. Not laid off Melissa. Not lost Jonas Melissa. God has taken each and everyone of those hard lessons and shown who I can be despite them. I'm not this way because of what I've faced. I'm this way in spite of all the hell I went through. And I came out on a better ground. My aunt said it best. My legs aren't shaky anymore. The ground beneath me is solid, I have a strong foothold. My job is going great. Step 1. God's paying attention. What else am I ready for on my stable, stiletto wearing legs? Not sure yet. I have so many hopes and dreams and ideas. I didn't place them in my heart. God did. And he's making sure I'm ready for those blessings as well.

I don't need riches, a man, a house....to validate who I am. I have a loving family. I have caring friends. I have a great job. I don't have to make something beautiful of my life. My life is beautiful because of the blessings I've already received. I'll continue to pray prayers of thanksgiving and prayers with answers. This isn't all that's there is for me. There's so much more. I wish more people were on board to join me on this journey but I can't be mad about that. I'll celebrate the ones who are celebrating with me and continue to pray for the ones who aren't. For whatever reason. The are facing their own "meantimes" and I'm praying for them as well.

If we've ever needed you, Lord it's now....

Need you now God. For reconciliation, for healing, for revival, for guidance. My God is big enough. And I'm blessed because of it!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

If we've ever needed you..

Lord it's now...

New job, new stress. Traded the stress of unemployment with the stress of a new job. I don't like the first 2 months of a job. I like to be in control and I'm a perfectionist. Especially I guess being in radio for that time and spending a year learning a new business, being back in real estate I'm not very forgiving with myself not knowing stuff that I excelled at not too long ago. There's a learning curve. I'm trying to cut myself some slack. Close (fingers crossed) to maybe selling something. A month at the new job, that would be fantastic!

Homesick. Talked to Nana tonight then the phone went to Cooper. I didn't know he was going to be on the phone and it took a little out of me. Haven't seen him or Porter in a year. Carried on a conversation with Cooper and he tried to put Porter on the phone. Talked to them through my tears...I miss them. I know how important my aunts are to me. I want to be that important to them. Through the circumstances and distance, it's not easy. And it weights heavily on my heart.

Spent some time with some different circles of friends tonight. I'm in a good place. I can't complain. Again, unfortunately, doesn't stop me from wanting more. You get an inch and want a mile immediately. I know that's not how life happens. But seeing different situations and circumstances puts things in perspective. I miss Jonas. That doesn't change. I want him to know I'm thinking about him and love him. Have to pray that somewhere in his little heart and mind he knows that.

My heart is heavy for a lot of things and people and circumstances right now. I'm where I'm at because it's where I'm supposed to be. I don't want to be a white knuckled Christian, holding on stressed out until the next thing, good or bad, happens. "We are desperate for your hand, reaching out, reaching out. All our hearts, all our strength, all our minds are at your feet..."

I don't know at what point in my life, my walk, my road I'll finally be able to surrender control. I have so much on my heart. So much out of my control. So much I have laying on me. I need to lean on the people I can count on, trust in what I know is true and do what I know is right.

"If we've ever needed you, Lord it's now..." I need you now, Lord. As do so many people close to me. I pray that each and everyone of us finds the peace and guidance we need to get where we know we need to be.

I'm blessed. So much more than I let myself realize. Tomorrow will be a really good day!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Heavy hearted, suntanned and excited...

I miss my family. Always but especially on the holidays. Cookouts and stories and laughing. I'm more than blessed to have the family and support system I do. Always a great time with the parents, cousins and aunts and uncles and Nana and everyone. Wish I was there to celebrate the 4th. And eat Nana's spaghetti and meatballs.

Had a good day at the pool with a good friend. Tomorrow going to one of my best friends with some of my best friends. A day at the beach, his house, his pool, friends, food, fireworks. Will be a really good time. Hopefully won't go into the funk I'm trying so hard to stay out of.

I wish I could figure out the ins and outs and why's of how my brain and heart work. Today was kind of a this is your life play in my mind of a lot of things. A big part of that play was things I've done that I should have done differently. People I let treat me in a way I'm not proud of. I guess it's all part of the learning and growing process. When you know better you do better. I'm the "do better" portion of this chapter.

I ask for prayers for my family tonight and tomorrow. I remember being a kid in church and the pastor would ask for prayer requests and people would ask for prayers for various things. Then he always asked for those with unspoken prayer requests. And I'd look around as a child and see men, woman, young, old, raise their hand and he would look around and then start his prayer. It always struck me as something really special that God would know the hearts of so many people and that even if their prayer request was something that was too close to their heart to share, that He heard and knew. So that's what I'm doing. As a 31 yr old I'm channeling my inner 8 yr old and raising my hand for a prayer request that is too close to my heart to share. But I know now that it wasn't just me looking around in church to see who raised their hand. It was the faithful prayer warriors that looked around to see who needed that special prayer. So I'm believing that God is hearing my prayers, that those special people who believe in the power of prayer will take some extra time for my unspoken request.

I pray that this holiday is filled with family, friends and really special times for you all!

Friday, July 2, 2010


I went out with some girlfriends to dinner tonight and saw 3 guys I've dated. Jacksonville is the biggest city in the country and I can't go anywhere without seeing someone I've been out with.

It's tiring. It's annoying. It's exhausting. I'm sad. 4th of July was one of Jonas' favorite holidays. I remember years when we'd take him downtown to watch the fireworks. Last year I went to one of my best friend's for a cookout. Brought a guy I was dating. It didn't work out. Clearly. This year I'm going stag...

A lot of people I know are sad for what they had and lost, as far as guys go. I don't know what it says about me but I look back on all the guys I've dated over that past few years, and I've dated a lot of guys, I don't feel like I've lost out on any of them. None of them are the one that got away. If anything, running into the guys tonight, confirmed to me that I made the right decision in not dating them anymore.

I guess what's most hard is what I miss the most, I have no control over. I miss J more everyday. I pray that he's ok, that he's taken care of. That he's loved, that he feels special and that he knows what a great little boy he is.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I don't have much, if any, control over my emotions. I have my job. I have my family. I have my friends. What I don't have is my little boy. It's a pain few people understand and no one can really share with me. Aside from my parents. Who lost their grandson when I lost my little boy..

I'm going to be stronger. I'm going to not be that girl who will give attention to guys simply because they give attention to me. I didn't know how great my job would be until I started it. It was a rough 14 months of searching but I feel like the job I've got is the right job for me. I had a job in the "meantime" that seemed like a great opportunity. Until I realized it was a scam. So much like dating. The irony of the that isn't lost on me.

I was fooled once and I was heartbroken when everything came out. God has brought me through too much for that to happen again. I heard something recently that said "Don't forget to laugh, you never know who's falling in love with your smile." All I can do is continue to do what I know to do. The guys I've dated have been a good lesson in a lot of things. The biggest lesson is to follow and trust your heart. I'm sad. I'm missing my family, my little boy, having a family to take care of. But God hasn't brought me this far to leave me now.

I'm blessed. I can be sad but I know that tomorrow when I wake up I'll be excited to see what new people, circumstances and life brings to me. I know the heart of my God. Whenever I forget that I can think of me sitting on his lap and Him reassuring me. I love J and would do anything in the world for him. How much more does my Heavenly Father want to do for me? I'm waiting to see...

I know it will be well worth the wait!

Happy 4th to you all. I pray it's filled with friends, family and many blessings! I'm ready to see what blessings are in store for me...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Serial dating, changes and paychecks

I get my 2nd paycheck this week. Yay! Starting my 4th week tomorrow. Got "promoted" to sales from training Thurs. Expectation was that it would be 2 months. The feedback that my boss has given me from the trainers in sales, computers and construction has all been nothing but really positive and encouraging. Everyday I'm shown in different ways how great this company really is and how right it is for me.

When I was in Houston I had a missed call from a number I didn't know. No voicemail. That annoys me. I'm one of those people that calls back numbers. I called it back and a guy answers with a "Hey, how ya been?" I had no idea who it was. No idea. So I asked and he said Jason. No idea still who it was. He had a client call so he had to end the call before I could figure it out. I was standing around a few people I'd met in training and called Whit and the conversation goes something like this.."Have I dated a Jason?", her "Jason? No, I don't think so." Me, "Have I gone out with a Jason?" Her, "Jason? No, doesn't sound familiar." I convey the story to her and neither of us has any idea who he is. I get off the phone and the people I was standing near were looking at me funny. One asked if I really just called a friend to see if she remembered a guy I'd dated because I couldn't remember. I finally figured it out when he texted me back. Met him once and he lives out of town and we talked via text mostly. Kind of a trick question if you ask me.

Yesterday I got a call from a number I didn't know. And he left me a voicemail that said, "Hey stranger, just checking to see if you're still alive. Call me back when you get a chance." No idea who it was. Voice sounded familiar. I purged numbers not so long ago. So stupid. Because all the guys I've dated always call back and I need to know who's who for my own curiosity if nothing else. Because that scenario played out like this...I sent a text, "I'm sorry, not sure who this is, can you let me know?" His reply.."Nevermind." Booo!! So I call the number back and it went to voicemail. His voice, no name offered up. Booo!! No idea who it is and it's killing me. Signs 146 and 147 you've dated too many people - When they identify themselves and you can't place them, when they leave you a voicemail and you recognize the voice but can't place them.

Had a guy I've never gone out with but chatted briefly with send me a text today that said "I'm not the right guy for you. Best of luck." Uh, ok. Thanks for the honesty. Had 2 old flames pop back into the picture. I need a new picture. I'm glad I've dated so many different guys and personality types, only way to figure out what you want, what you need, what you won't settle for, and a never ending supply of really good stories. But, it's exhausting. Seriously, it's a full time job!

Tomorrow I'm implementing some changes. Not going to talk about them, just going to do it and wait for people to notice the difference. Tired of being the "I'm going to..." girl. I'm going to be the "I'm doing it..." girl. Got my job, that was one step in the right direction. Going to take a few more and see where it leads me.

I'm blessed. I'm taking stock of a lot of things and going to do some stuff differently. Will be excited to see where it takes me! Hopefully to a land of new guys I've never dated before!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Walls they are a crumbling...

It's amazing how right things are when they're right. And how easy it is. And how less stressful it is. And how good you feel. And how much more rest you get when you're not trying to control things outside of your control.

This job is right for me. As is the company. As are the people I'm working with. It all just fits. And after years of trying to make things fit that didn't, this whole being able to breath because the weight of the world's not resting on my shoulders feel pretty great.

The walls I've put up are slowly coming down. And I only realize it when something happens that should affect me one way and it affects me another because the wall of doubt, or shame, or fear, or sadness, when the walls aren't blocking life, blessings really do come your way.

I'm not worried anymore. I'm not broken anymore. I feel just really taken care of, really protected, really loved and overly blessed.

My life is moving me in many directions. Some are scary, sure. It's new and unknown. But I also know that it's moving me in the way of my hopes and dreams and those aren't scary. I haven't been set up to fail. I haven't been shown what I can be to not be that person. I haven't been shown how right things can be to be disappointed again. Im not wearing rose colored glasses skipping through a meadow but I'm confidant that my prayers are being heard, the right things are coming my way and it's all leading me to a place I've wanted to be for a long time. Where I'm supposed to be. And it feels great!!

My prayers and hopes to each of you that whatever you are facing right now that you'll find the healing to let go, let the walls down and live. Its scary, its painful sometimes but I'm living proof that God guides you where you need to go, when you're ready to be there. Knock the walls down and start moving in that direction. Took me years, feels good to be here. I'm going to stay awhile...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Not losing my mind...not losing my mind...

If I keep saying it I'm hoping it becomes my reality. Because right now I feel like I'm losing my mind...

There's a huge change in my working world. 3 years ago when I was selling in new homes in the same community I am now, the prices were $200k higher. And 3 years ago when I was selling houses I would leave work and go to Jonas' school to pick him up when I got off work. Or I'd go to Mom and Dad's to pick him up from their house. Driving to their house now I can't hardly stand it. I cry the whole way home.

I don't know why Jonas is so much on my heart and in the fore front of my mind. It's more so now than ever before in the past 2 years since I've seen him. Today I had a great day. Had a realtor focus group with the developer of one of our communities to introduce a new product. It was exciting, I was on my A game, I felt important and involved. Then I went to my car and 3 litttle guys walked by my car on their way to the water park...they of course reminded me of Jonas so I cried the whole way back to my community. I went to Starbucks and as I was sitting in line I made my monthly pledge to the local Christian radio station. A few minutes later, sitting in line, waiting for my chai tea latte, I heard my name announced on the radio. I'd won a dinner for 2 at a fancy restaurant. I was entered into a drawing I wasn't even aware of. It was a nice surprise. A butterfly moment...

God's giving me butterfly moments still. This company that I'm working for continues to impress and amaze me everyday with their committment to employee satisfaction. That's new for me. I couldn't be happier with my job. But I can't hide the hurt and ache that is ever so present in my heart for a little boy that I raised as my own. I can't stop my tears. I can't stop the pain. Because this time 3 years ago the prices of the homes I was selling were $200k higher but this time 3 years ago, I was also a mom. I left everyday and took my little boy home. To our house. I made sure he was taken care of. I spent the evenings making dinner with him, teaching him things, loving him and just enjoying being a mom.

I'm not sure of this new meantime I'm in. It's confusing me. It's harder than I expected. I know the promises and dreams God has put in my heart. I'm not sure why they are so obvious and in my face right now. I know that whenever I think of Jonas, I pray for him. So he's getting a lot of prayers his way. I can't worry about him. I have had to let him go. I don't know that that's a fair request of any mother out there...to let go of a child that is still out there living.

95% of the time I'm good. I'm able to function and move forward. the 5% of crazy that I feel is manifesting itself right now in a very real way, which is hard. I'm trying. I'm doing my best to pick up the pieces and move on. If God didn't know I was strong enough to handle this, he wouldn't have me go through it. I know this.

I just miss my little boy. More and more everyday. I'll get through it. The past 4 years have shown me I'm stronger than I think and I'm able to get through more than anyone should. My day will come....my day will come...my day will come...

And until that day comes I'll continue to be thankful for the blessings I have and pray for the little guy that still to this day has my heart. I miss him so much but I know, I have to believe, that even though I'm not the one taking care of him, that he is loved, taken care of and is ok.

And I will be too. Ok. I will be ok!

Monday, June 21, 2010

In a funk. And hot. And blah blah blah

I've had a headache for about a week now. I think it's allergies, coupled with it being soo hot, coupled with traveling and training and stress.

My job is going really well. I can't complain about my life. Doesn't stop me from wanting to though. Sad, huh? Waited so long to get this job and still wanting more. I'm trying to rationalize the crazy and I really can't. Grass is greener, can't judge a book by it's cover, insert annoying catch phrase here. I know I'm blessed. I know I'm lucky. I just can't help wanting what I used to have. Not my house, not my faux marriage, not even the success I had in real estate years ago. I miss being a mom. I miss Jonas. More and more everyday for some reason. It's been 2 years since I've seen him. I can't even imagine what he's like now. It hurts my heart trying to imagine it but I can't stop.

Satan is working overtime. I know it and can recognize it, that's honestly, probably the one thing keeping me moderately sane and focused on the right things right now. Not willing to let him gain any foothold.

I'm fighting to not get sick. I'm fighting to not get sad. I'm fighting to stay content in knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's a good place. I'll have my kids one day. I'll see Jonas again. Until I do I'll continue to pray for him everyday and every time he crosses my heart and mind. That little guy gets a lot of prayers his way.

I'm blessed. I know I am. Right now though I'm just a gal missing her lil guy. Tomorrow will be better.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Home sweet home...

Back in Jax after a week in Houston TX. Had a good week. Training with my new company, meeting new friends, great food, driven around in a Town Car w a driver all week, staying in the Marriott, expense accounts....Can get used to that.

I'm exhausted. Mentally more so than physically but exhausted none the less. Training was a great reminder in what I already knew, some new things I had never thought of and the reassurance from the coach's and colleagues that I 1. I know my stuff 2. I'm good at my stuff and 3. I'm going to be successful at this again. Because it's what I know, it's what I love and it's what I'm good at.

Met some cowboys while I was there. Flip flop, shorts, baseball hat wearing cowboys but cowboys still. Those TX guys really know how to treat the ladies and make you feel special.

Also got a lesson in life and disappointment. I feel like I've learned how to be a really true version of myself over the past few years. I have insecurities still. But my insecurities affect me. I don't project my fears and shortcomings onto other people...finding out that that isn't the case for everyone hurts. Especially when it involves you. Being dragged into a situation that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else's hangups with themself isn't a lesson I was ready for or expecting. I know people go through bad times, I know how hard it is to be in a bad place. But I'm not going to excuse bad behavior that's hurtful and just not true. I got schooled in more than real estate training this week.

I'm tired so I'm emotional. My feelings are hurt, my heart's disappointed. I'm also missing Jonas like crazy. Kids flock to me. I had 4 random kids today, all boys, come up to me at different points in the airport talking to me, asking me questions, engaging me in their excitement over flying. They couldnt have been more than 7 or 8. Jonas's age. I also realized tonight that yes, I've started a new chapter in my life. I've moving on to new and exciting things, but the pain and sadness of missing what you've lost doesn't go away. Time makes it easier but it doesn't erase it. You have to give yourself permission to grieve. And then pick yourself up and keep going.

I'm blessed. In so many ways. I have an opportunity to be successful with a really great company. I have many doors that will be opened for me, to places I never imagined. And I'm ready for it...hurts, hangups, excitement, surprises and all.

As I learned in TX...Yeehaw!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Exhausted. Employed. And Emotional...

I worked my first 40+ week in over 15 months. And I'm beat. It's a good kind of exhausted but exhausted none the less.

Being back in real estate is weird. It's a comfortable kind of being that just fits. I have been there for a week. I don't know enough about the builder, floorplans, showcase homes to be overly competitive but I know how to sell. I know how to talk to people. I know how to build relationships. Some things you just don't forget. One of the biggest compliments my boss has given me is that he's sending me to training but you can't teach someone what I have. I'm going to learn "their" way and "their" stuff but what I have can't be taught by anyone. That spoke really loudly to who I am. As a salesperson, a woman and a friend.

It's a catch 22. I want to be successful today. I want to be independent yesterday. I want to prove myself tomorrow! It's going to take time. And I've made huge strides in healing and moving on but I'm human and there's still voices and demons I battle that try to tell me different from what I know to be true...

I'm going to Houston Sunday. Going to have O'Nanna waiting for me in a town car at the airport to take me to my hotel. I told Kristen tonight that I'm flying across the country. Apparently I'm not and I need some work on my map skills. But regardless, I'm getting away. I'm going to be on my own for the first time in a really long time. I'm not going to be with family. I'm not going to be with friends. I'm going to be by myself. And I don't think it could have come at a better time.

I have some soul searching to do. I have some demons to fight. I have some tears to shed. Of thankfulness, of letting go, of sadness, of moving forward more quickly than I thought I would. I wanted to move out of the meantime. I have. I have to make sure I'm headed in the right direction, in every area of my life.

I'm blessed. I'm tired. I'm wondering and I'm excited. My life is coming together. I need to make sure I'm ready for it...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Nose ring no more...Welcome back bad guys

Guys that I've given up on months ago are coming out of the woodworks. Annoying. And intriguing. Of course. Which makes it more annoying. Bad boys, baseball players. Both love their parents, their families. Remains to be seen if they have it in them to offer me what I deserve. And my standards have definitaly been raised. Funny what getting a good job does for the spirit. And the bar at which standards are set.

I'm cranky. I'm on my cycle for the 6th time in 8 weeks. Not normal. And I'm not normal anyhow. Its making me a cranky and emotional and bloaty mess. More so than normal. And I have to pack for a business trip feeling this way. I hate that I can't control my emotions, water retention, eating carbs...blah blah blah. Somethings not right inside me. When I get back from Houston I need to go to the dr and find out why I'm feeling as I am. Not going to keep feeling like this every few weeks. Can't do it.

Work is going well. Feels good being back in something I know and am comfortable with. I look forward to the training and knowledge I'll gain over the next few weeks so I can really do and be my best for them. And for me.

Satan is working overtime on me. Trying to bring me down. Make me doubt, make me cry, make me want more than I have, be jealous of others. Not falling into the trap. I'm excited. I'm going to Houston. By myself. On a working vacation!! And I'm going to have a great time!

I do stupid stuff. I sucked my nose ring down the vacuum when I was cleaning the car. I fall down a lot. I get attached to people and things I shouldn't. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm becoming a better me. This process didn't end with me getting a job. Kind of just the new beginning.

Going to bed. Blessed, excited about next week and who I'll meet and what I'll get to experience. As a single, 31 yr old, employed gal. And I'm ok with all that. For the moment!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Exhausted, road rash and burnt cookies

Back into the swing of things. And so tired. Yesterday was busy with realtors and customers and learning and showing. Forgot how fun it is to walk homes under construction in 90+ heat in 4" heels.

Day started off promising. Then quickly went downhill as I came off the steps of the construction trailer, my heels stuck in the white rock walkway and I dropped to my knees. The only reason I didnt face plant was thanks to the 5" binder I was carrying that acted as a prop. Luckily for me the 20 yr old intern was right there beside me to help me up. I stopped her from getting the gravel out of my knees. I have pride.

So Weekley's thing is to make Otis Spunkmeyer cookies every 3 hours. To make the house smell good and a snack for the buyers. Its smart. Unless you burn the cookies then it defeats the purpose of both. And I burnt them really good. Which was probably my subconscious sabotaging my baking efforts so I don't eat the stupid cookies every 3 hours. If I don't stop, I'm soon going to be the size of a house.

Got my travel plans today. They're putting me up in a fancy hotel just blocks away from the 4th largest mall in the country. And I get my first check Tues. And it's not direct deposit yet so it will be here while I'm in TX. Blocks away from the 4th largest mall in the country. BOOO!!! They're sending their limo company to pick me up from the airport to take me to the hotel. Seems a little over the top WHICH I LOVE!! Going to have my fancy luggage, big glasses and high heels looking for the limo driver carrying a little sign with my name on it. For some reason I feel like this has disaster written all over it.

So my dating sabbatical is working out well as I'm in bed by 930 every night. All joking aside it's so nice to be back into a routine. Back into a business I know. It's really amazing and kind of sad though how much to market has changed in the 3 years since I was in it. But the basics are the same, prices are just (WAY) lower.

I'm blessed. Struggling to stay awake, not gain weight, not get too overwhelmed and blah blah blah but this beats the meantime, anytime!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hello job, my name's Melissa...

Tomorrow's the big day. Actually it will probably be a little anti climatic as I'll spend most of the day doing paperwork and blah blah blah BUT I'll get paid for it. Because it's at the place that I have a job. Where they pay me!! And a week from today I'll be on a plane going to Houston for a week. Not a too shabby start to June.

This weekend has been spent with friends. Fri night was fun, yesterday was at the pool all day and way into the night with friends, today was the beach and a cookout with friends. I declared over bbq and mac n cheese that I would be hosting a dinner at MY place in 6 months! And I will.

I was in quite a funk this week. I think maybe just the mass amount of emotions of interviewing, being extended an offer so fast, accepting, getting a hire date, finding out I'm flying out next week to a place I've never been, the excitement of getting back into a business I love and am really good at. This is the change I've been wanting and expecting and it finally hit me last night. Hi breakdown, we meet again!!

My life's about to change. Meetings, people, opportunities. Job stress. I'm moving on.

Moving on from being unemployed. Stagnant. Groundhog's Day. Meantime. Bye bye!!

God has a plan for my life. Never have questioned that. Have questioned his timing in my impatient moments but never the fact that He has better for me. The plans, dreams, hopes that have been in my heart all this time are even more magnified now. Maybe because I see how His hand moved in me getting this job. It didn't always make sense, actually a lot of times it didn't make senese, but HE worked it out. I just had to be faithful and do my part.

I know I'll be successful. I know I'll find someone that I'll fall in love with. I know that I'll have kids. I was missing Jonas, realizing it's been 2 years since I've seen him and talking to mom about it. I asked her, how do you know that I'll be a Mom again? She said, "Because you're a mom now. You don't have Jonas or your baby, but that doesn't make you any less of a mom." And it's true. I haven't "sold" anything in the past year but I never stopped being a salesperson. It's who I am, it's what I love, what I know. And so is being a mom. I don't have a son to bathe, sing to, read to, play with, teach things to, but my love for him is still alive in my heart. I am a Mom. And as God saw fit that the timing was right for me to sell again, he'll see fit, in His timing, for me to be a Mom again.

I've been wondering about changing my name back to Melissa Harris. When I got married and changed my name, it took me so long to feel like Melissa Billington, that when I got divorced, I wasn't ready to change it. I feel no ties to the crazy man whose name I took but I did feel a tie to Jonas. I was crying to Mom last night (God bless her and my emotional breakdowns) and told her that when I see Jonas again I want to be Melissa Billington for him. She said the only name that would be important to him, is Missy. Wise woman she is.

So, tomorrow I will put on my sassiest business suit, highest heels and open the door back into the real estate world. Real estate won't just be something I love and am passionate about from afar anymore. It will be part of who I am.

And I'm ok waiting until God's timing plays out for me to take that same walk back into wife and motherhood. God's never late, seldom early, but everything is right in His time. (Thanks Nana)

I'm blessed. I'm nervous, excited and so beyond ready to take that step into the known!! I'm back!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Tonight I went to dinner we my girlfriends. And I'm on my dating sabatical. Met a guy that plays professional baseball. Of course....

He was all about me. Wanted to know my life story, where I came from, what I did. 2 nights ago I had a date with a guy that is 100% into his career, lived a fancy life, had all the right answers. But it wasn't right. In either case.

I don't know who God has in store for me. I married the wrong guy, I know that much. I still honestly believe I married him for the right reasons. Just the wrong guy. Hard admission to make myself, let alone others. Some of my friends are married, some are dating, some still single. I honestly don't know whether it's a blessing or a curse that I'm now in the "divoreced"box.

I know this much. God has made me and designed me for a specific purpose in life. I honestly feel like through my divorce, being a mother, losing Jonas, having a miscarriage, losing my house, blah blah blah, that I"ll be able to witness, help, whatever to other people...

I can't lie. I look forward to the time that I can witness, help, talk to people as I am. I had a kind of "this is your life" moment today. I communicated with a lot of people I haven't been in touch with for awhile. Some were receptive, some weren't.

I don't know where this new road is going to lead me. But I know, sure as I'm sitting here, that this is the right road for me. Will it lead to riches, husbands, kids, my dreams? I don't know. But if I have learned anything from the past 15 months of the meantime, it's this...God leads you to where you need to be, he gives you what you need, and he equips you with the tools to get through where he's taking you.

I may not have everything I wish I did. I may still question of why and where I'm going. But He's shown me through scriputre, butterlfies or loved ones answers, I'm where I need to be. If that's good enough for Him, it's good enough for me.

I'm blessed. In 4 days I'll be starting a new adventure and I can't wait to see where this leads me. God is good. All the time. My unemployment runs out this week. Next week I'll have a paycheck. My COBRA runs out in 2 months. In 2 months I'll have health benefits. I'm not sure why my life has been running to the wire. I have faith. I have trust. But God has shown me, literally, in every area of my life, how much he cares about the details.

So in my dating sabitcal I'm ging to lean on him. He's not lead my astray this far, I know he won't leave me now. Trusting, believing and blessed. What more does a girl need...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted...

Where is he? Gotta love Sex and the City. Such wisdom.

"I missed the Jaguar season last year because I was in rehab." "What kind of dressing would you like on your salad, and oh, btw, I don't ever want kids and had a vasectomy years ago." "I saw on facebook you were going to be here so I hope you don't mind me showing up." "I'm going to date my exwife who has a boyfriend she likes better than me, but what the heck?" "I like you too much it freaked me out so I'm going to hate you instead." "I'm going to call you a nickname that makes your eye twitch everytime I say it. And I'm going to say it a lot." "Oh yea, I know your ex husband's new wife, I think I dated her." "I have (fake) cancer, and I'm going to fake my death to try to get myself out of the web of lies and destruction I've created and I'm going to emotionally involve you, that ok?"

THIS is just a sampling of the conversations I've had with guys I've either dated or went out with recently. Do any of these give you warm and fuzzies? Make you so jealous that you're not single and able to do whatever you want? No, didn't think so.

Dating is not for the weak of heart. If you can have a sense of humor about it it produces good stories and free meals at least. But for crying out loud, enough is enough.

5 days and I'll have a new hobby that doesn't include men, guys, testosterone, egos. I'm going to have a job!! A real job! Where I get to dress up, be charming and talk people into doing what I think they should do!

It took me 15 months of sending out resumes, going on stupid interviews that went nowhere, talking to more recruiters and HR and managers than I care to remember BUT it finally produced a job. From 1st interview to offer, 5 days! I am hoping when I meet the right guy I'll follow the same route of rapidness. A girl can dream.

I haven't lost my sense of humor. Yet. I am going to take a dating sabbatical. I've deleted all the numbers in my phone of the dumb boys that make me crazy. And what's crazy is how quickly my phone fills back up with numbers of more dumb guys that make me crazy and how many times I've gone through this number purging exercise. But I digress..

Dating sabbatical. New job. New adventures, new people, new dating pool. For when I get off my dating sabbatical, of course.

I'm blessed. If not a little tired of the dating nonsense but confidant that God will give me everything I want and need, when I'm ready and when I need it. If I can stay out of the nunnery for that long...

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Like sunlight burning at midnight...

Making my life something beautiful, beautiful!

God's been up to something. And now it's come to light in the way of my job. This is a company that cares about their people. In words and in actions. The boss man is already taking care of me and making sure that I know and am confident that they are going to help me get back on my feet, become successful, grow some roots.

It's funny how things change. 2 months ago I couldn't wait to start the other job because it would have gotten me out of Jacksonville every week a different location. That would have been fun. For a little bit. It's not a job conducive to building a life here. And at the time I wanted to build a life anywhere but here. I wanted to run away.

This job awakened a lot of things in me. My passion for real estate, my desire to belong to something bigger, to make a name for myself, to be independent, to settle down, to just be me again.

I was sitting on the bitter wagon for a little bit. This is a great job. I'm more than excited to become part of their team. But the fact that it took me 15 months to find that job was hard for me to swallow. Kind of like dating everyone in Jacksonville and then falling in love with the person across the street. I could have gotten this job a long time ago. The test I had to take would have had the same results last year. I could have sold myself last year. But I wasn't ready. I have to be honest with myself. The job in radio came at a time that I was going through my divorce, losing my house, losing Jonas. It kept me busy, it kept me occupied, it made me get out of bed.

But this past year was a year of healing. I believe that as sure as I'm sitting here. I may have gotten this job last year but I wouldn't have kept it. I had ADD in every area of my life. I couldn't concentrate on anything, had no faith in myself and had some really dark days. I know those days are behind me. Job stress and the stress of life that I went through are 2 completely and totally different things. I welcome the job stress. Learning new things, meeting new people, making money!!

I'm a different person than I was even a few months ago. I know that God has a plan for my life. I don't have the answers and I'm not sure of His ways but I know they are to prosper me and bring me to a beautiful place.

I've had a lifetime of experiences, sadness, disappointments in the past. And I'm gladly leaving them in the past. Like sunlight burning at midnight, it's a beautiful thing. Mercy reaching me and saving me. It's unexpected, it's more than you deserve, and it's been there all along, you just have to be ready to accept it.

I'm blessed. I'm more than excited to see where this new path takes me. I know it will be more than I expect and more than I feel like I deserve. And that's the amazing thing about God's love. It covers you and gives you what you need. When you need it and when you're ready for it. I'm ready. I'm so so ready....

Friday, May 28, 2010

God's timing = NOW! Employed!!!

Got the job I wanted. Very fast turnaround. Had my first interview Mon, 4 interviews later, offer today! Big fat sigh of relief. I can breathe again. I didn't realize how long I'd been holding my breath.

This is a place I can land and grow some roots. No more running away. No more standing in my own way. I'm at peace. I'm happy. I'm excited and I'm ready.

I have too much inside, not ready to come out yet I guess as I've feeling kind of speechless. Me. Speechless. I'm sure I'll have more to say later.

So for now I'll just say thank you for the prayers, the encouragement, the support, the shoulder, the listening ear, caring heart. It pulled me through. I appreciate the continued prayers as I start this new journey. Into the unknown, but a very exciting unknown. EMPLOYED!!

Blessed, loved and taken care of. In so, so many ways!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Things I know.

Because I have learned the hard way. But have learned none the less. And it feels good to not only know that I know them but that I act upon them, abide by them, and live by them.

1. Trust your gut. Especially as females I think that we were wired with the "gut" instinct. It's never steered me wrong. I haven't always listened to it. Or more accurately I haven't always acted on it. It's not something you can't hear. You feel it. Whether it's the wrong guy, a friend, family, situations, circumstances, jobs....whatever it is. I'm listening, and acting, on what my gut tells me. Because I've learned it's not just womans intuition. When you pray and ask for guidance, the feeling you get is just that, guidance. To save you heartache, disappointment, sadness.

2. When people show you who they are, believe them. Better yet, when people tell you who they are, listen. People, ok who am I kidding, guys, like to talk about themselves. But if you listen to them, watch them, and see who they really are, it will save you a lot of hurt and heartache. Sometimes is easier than others. The right clothes, the right words, the right hair, car, job, family, circumstances may gloss over what you don't want to see but if you really look at who someone is showing you they are, be thankful. If you act accordingly it will save you heartache, disappointment, sadness.

3. God's timing is perfect. I say this with my circumstances still as they have been for the past 15 months. Living with the parents, unemployed, divorced. What's changed is how I feel. I'm not sure why a job that seemed perfect for me and so much more than I ever dreamed of never came to be. I'm going for my 4th interview tomorrow. The president told me it would be a long process. A lot of interviews. I expected months. Not for all of this to be this week. And the compensation package wasn't what I hoped. I cried about it. Then I asked about it and told him my concerns and he came back with something that was more than I asked for. And he's talking about more. I may get this job. I may not. But I know that God has revealed through this that I still have passions, I still have dreams and I have the confidence in myself to get through this and excel. May not be much to others, to me, it means a lot.

4. There are good people out there. Tonight I was with a girlfriend and a stranger walks up to me and tells me I'm beautiful. He was kind of going on and on about it and I was flattered and a little embarrassed. The he leans in and says, "Stop selling yourself short. You have more to offer than you realize and it's time you started believing that." I was like, um, going to start crying right here, Mr Mind reader. I don't know who he was. Never seen him, probably won't again. But tonight I was in a situation that I didn't want to be in necessarily but it gave me closure that I know I need. And this stranger gave me some advice I need to take to heart. I can dress up and put a pretty face to the world but I'm more than I've let myself be. I'm not going to hide anymore. Behind anything.

5. I'm blessed. More than I deserve and more than I realize. I know my life is going to change. I know the change is for the better. And I know it's because God's timing is now for me. For a job, for a husband, for kids, for peace, for self acceptance, for his blessings. I don't know the timeline but I know the time keeper. And in His time all things come together for those who believe in him. And God's grace has allowed me to falter, slip, slide my way through this meantime, but I've made it. And I dare I say, I'm better for it.

I'm not the person I was even a few months ago. I've learned from my mistakes. I've grown into this new me. It feels good. Better than I expected. I have good friends, an amazing family and more blessings than a girl should have.

I haven't seen any butterflies lately. And it's spring. I saw more butterflies in the winter than I do now. I think that's by design. I've had to look for my own butterfly moments. And I've found them. And that has given me the peace to know I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I'm blessed, I'm happy and I know as sure as I'm sitting here...I'm where I'm supposed to be!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah!

Reason for Blah today:

I'm not looking. I'm dating. And it's a pain in the butt dealing with the dramatic, emotional, pain in the butt guys that come with dating!! And you don't know they are dramatic, emotional, pain in the butt guys until you date them. Blah blah! I'm being patient. Yes, this is the patient me!

Tests today for real estate were timed and mind teasers., problem solvers, writing paragraphs about nothing and you couldn't erase or change anything, pictures of shapes on top of shapes I've never seen from 8 different views from space and you had to see if it was the same or different. Oh and some fun math without a calculator thrown in for good measure. Not one question on figuring out commission, which is the only math I do! Brain Dead!!!! I kept waiting for the dunce bell to go off! But the good news. It's a great company. If I'm smart enough to get hired they have all kinds of benefits of working there. We shall see.

I go to pay the premium for next month, open the envelope and without any warning, any explanation, NOTHING, my COBRA has gone up and additional $250!! IN ADDITION to what I was paying. Almost $400. A MONTH. For insurance. And if you don't pay, cant afford to pay, whatever, you lose everything, really. Because then you have a lapse and if you have pre-exisiting (I do) then all the money you paid all the months before is for nothing. Who can survive when health care alone is $400 for ONE PERSON?? One person! One healthy person!! Absolutely asinine and disgusting.

I'm done griping. Just one of those days. If it was going to happen to tick me off, it's happened today. Even the dream I had when I took my nap today ticked me off. I woke up so angry. So I'm praying. For my angry outlook, my bleak blog and my everyone is against me mentality. But today it was true, everyone was out to get me.

Tomorrow will be better. I still have options, I'm still sassy, if not a little deflated, but blessed and excited for the things I know are coming!! My best days are in front of me! My best days are in front of me. My best days are in front of me. Smile, repeat, ad nauseum...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Broken clocks, more dates and more interviews

Interview tomorrow for a builder. Back in real estate. Exciting and a little anxiety inducing. Where I made a lot of money, was hugely successful, loved my job, and met great people. I pray if this is the right job that the door will be open only wide enough for me to walk through.

Meeting with the Plastic surgery/day spa this week. Hopefully to have a brainstorming, business plan, meeting of the minds to see if this is something that can realistically be a position that I can handle, thrive, excel at.

A lot of resumes went out to some really great businesses in hope that one of these will be the right one for me.

I can't stress how badly I need one of these to be IT for me. A job means productivity, goals, co-workers, staying busy, working towards success, working towards independence. One of them will work out. I know in my gut it will. God's been preparing me for something. I'll wait patiently to see it revealed to me. He knows my worth, he knows my dreams, he knows my talents. He knows what job will be the right fit.

Same with guys and dating. It's lonely not having someone to lean on. I'm lonely not having someone to lean on. I have had a lot of people who lean on me, maybe walk on me, but I guess I've decided thats not to be anymore. I deserve better. I don't deserve to be taken care of out of convienence. I don't deserve to be someones afterthought. I"ve been someones everything. And it feels really nice. What would feel even better is to find my partner that completes the parts of me that are missing or adds to the ones that are lacking. And likewise.

I'm emotional tonight for stupid medical reasons. And that makes me even more angry and emotional. Praying that when the Dr gets back from his vacation we can have a come to Jesus meeting and figure out the best course of action to get my body in tip top shape. Has to be a way.

I miss Jonas. So much today it breaks my heart. So I'm praying for him more today that normal. God will protect him and guard his heart and hold him close.

My dream is that I'm going to be introduced to a man that wont even be a question as to whether he's right for me or not. I'm going to interview for a position and it will be blaringly obvious that the job is for me. And I get a start date. And an income that makes sense for me. And I'll actually start working...

Im not whining, really I'm not. I'm getting all of *this* outside of my head and heart so I can pray w a clear mind. So I can hear the whispers of God's promises without the white noise. I know where I'm going. I know how I'll get there. It's going to be full of surprises but that's ok.

Prayers for patience, understanding, confidence and fortitude are appreciated.

I'm blessed. Emotional if not somewhat neurotic at the moment, but blessed none the less and looking forward with the confidence of knowing that it's out of my hands. God's got it under control. His clock isn't broken, the timing just still isn't right....


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Done with getting over...

My life is about to change. In a lot of ways. I know it, I feel like I'm being prepared for it, it's exciting and also scares the crap out of me. This "meantime" has become my normal. As uncomfortable and ill fitting as it is, it's become known and safe for me. My world's about to get rocked I think.

Some things I'm ready for-

The getting over guys thing, done with it. I'd love to find someone to fall in love with. I've had a few guys fall in love with me over the years, I wonder now, what it would be like to let myself fall. I just find myself getting over, making excuses, and building walls to protect myself from guys that probably, honestly, should never have been that close to me to begin with. But they too were safe I guess. Guys falling in love with you doesn't hurt. It's when you decide that you'll be the one to fall that opens you up to hurt. And to happiness...

The doubting myself thing, done with it. I'm more capable than I allow myself to believe sometimes because it's easier. If the bar is set low then it's hard to fail. And I feel like I've had my lifetime of failures over the past few years. Whether it was my divorce, my finances, losing Jonas, a job, my independence...it wasn't how I envisioned my life to be so that equaled failure. I got married because my heart was open and full of hope. My finances were lost because I put other's needs ahead of my own. I lost Jonas because of reasons I'm still sorting out. I lost my job because I wasn't able to give my best, I was going through hell and was trying to survive. And I did. I lost my job but I survived...I'm not blaming others, I'm not playing the victim. I'm recognizing that in order to fail you have to try. And I did. A lot of both. I'm capable of more than I've allowed myself to be. Out of fear. I'm done with that too.

I had someone very special tonight tell me that she looks to my words and thoughts when she feels like giving up. That I somehow always find God's will in whatever I'm going through. No kinder words could be spoken of me. Because that right there is a testament to the prayers, encouragement and belief, in yourself, in your God, in your family....that you can do, you'll be better for it, and if it hasn't killed you yet, chances are good it probably won't.

My life is going to change. It's going to probably get more chaotic before it calms down. There will be scary moments, moments of fear and moments of excitement. I'm ready. My Ralph Lauren bags are packed and I'm getting the heck of of this meantime. I'm done with getting over. I'm on to having better!

Blessed. So blessed and so ok!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I'm special...short bus special!

Tonight I had an "eventerview"at a plastic surgeon place for office manager/sales director. I was thrown into the pit and worked the registration table making name tags. A girl 10 years younger than me hands me two markers and says "dont get them on your skin." I was like, ok mom, thanks. I got 3 purple dots on my hands. I soon realize during the plastic surgeons presentation that the markers are the ones they use to mark up your skin prior to surgery. I'm special!

Fun day though. Got dressed up, went and wined and dined with some old biddies and had some fun learning about all things spa and plastic surgery related. Then spent some time with my girlfriends. All in all, good day. Aside from the part where I got stuck in the parking garage and couldnt find my way out. Every turn I made took me to floor 2, then 3, then 2, then 3. Was *this close* to freaking out.

Have an interview next week for a builder. Ideally the spa thing will work out because it combines all my passions. Sales, bossing people around, and beauty stuff. However, beggers can't be choosers and I'll be happy with whatever direction my life takes as long as it stops at "Employed!"

I'm in a good place. My medical thing seems to be in check for the time being which means my mental health is allowing me to be around the general population and I feel good.

I realize every day how blessed I am. I can't say enough how lucky I am to have the parents I do. They love, trust and encourage me more than I deserve. My friends constantly sing their praises and tell me how blessed I am. I don't need the reminder but maybe they do...

Mom, Dad, you all are amazing friends to the people you know and work with, to your family, to strangers. I've never met 2 more Godly, loving people than you...I'm blessed and fortunate. I hope I make you proud, even though I have more blonde moments than not.

My life's headed in the right direction. I know it is. I have a peace that passes all understanding because nothing has changed really except for how I'm seeing things, perceiving things and receiving things...

Life is what you make of it. I'm trying to make it good, worthwhile and a blessing to others I meet...if that includes some hot men along the way and a job offer or two, I'll count myself doubly blessed!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Larger than life, something heavenly...

"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace...."

I'm dropping out of the school of hard knocks, bad decision, mistakes and sadness. I'm heading for really great things. I know I am. I'm more confidant than I've been in a long time that I'm where I need to be. And I'm giving in. To something Heavenly.

"It's time for a milestone, time to begin again." I know better. I'll do better. "Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?" A little of both, unfortunately. I'd follow, then get frustrated and move aimlessly through my life. It's an awful way to live and it's taken its toll on me emotionally....

"You're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly. Whatever you're doing inside of it feels like chaos but now I can see. This is something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly."

Why was I shown and offered the perfect job that never came to be? I was put thru the ringer. I was on my A game. I was ready to start, hit the ground running. Fell through. I was beyond frustrated and a lot annoyed that this job that was mine was dangled in front of me for no reason....

Maybe it was preparing me for the job I'm about to have. If everything works and falls into place I honestly will be doing my dream job. Nothing that I would have ever looked for or thought too much about but it's funny now to look back over conversations, thoughts, ideas, that I've had and shared with friends and family recently now actually, potentially, turning into something. Bigger than me. Bigger than the dreams I had. Bigger than the places I was sending my resumes everyday. A job that isn't created yet but will be created. By me. For me.

"Time to release all my held back tears..." God's grace and mercy is the reason I'm where I am. Why I wasn't forgotten. Why I get 2nd chances. I don't deserve it. That's the nice thing about grace.

I'm blessed. I'm so truly beyond blessed. I'm ready. I'm excited. I know that my life is now coming together. I feel the pieces fitting. I feel the difference in me. I see the difference in me. I don't know what I'll do when this actually comes together and I have a job that is more than I ever could have imagined. It's the culmination of everything I love. And it's going to be mine. I know it. Tomorrow I'll lay more of the ground work and will close it next week.

I'm excited. I'm actually kind of giddy. This isn't a maybe. This is my time!! Something bigger than me, it's something heavenly inside of me!! And I'm going to go to everything I can to make this mine!

Thank you for your love, prayers, forgiveness and encouragement!! Xo

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'd sure hate to break down here...

I gave my best friend permission to air all my dirty laundry on facebook if she hears a certain someone's name come out of my mouth. Not an awful guy but not good for me. I deserve better.

The "job of my dreams" turned out to be another dead end road paved with pretty lies and broken dreams. To quote Julie Roberts. I had some other opportunities I could have explored within that company but I was impressed with the position, not the people, so I'm moving on. I deserve better.

I have 3 interviews tomorrow. 2 that I'm not overly excited about, 1 that would be a job right up my alley. Director of the office and sales of a plastic surgeon/day spa. Oh yea. I'm not really wanting to be a Internet sales person for cars but I will if I have to. But I know I deserve better.

For the life of me I can't figure out why something hasn't happened for me. The whole guys/dating/blah blah blah I understand. You have to go through a lot of yes, no's, maybe's, not a chances, to get to someone you consider worth you time enough to spend effort on. You'd think finding a job would be the easier of the two. Here's my qualifications, here's my income average, here's my experience. BUT APPARENTLY I'M NOT HIREABLE. Had to get that off my chest. I'm talking to owners of companies. I'm talking to presidents of companies. Something is going to get me out of this rut I'm in, I'm going to make more than I expected, I'm going to have more responsibility than I think I'm capable of, I'm going to be as successful *IF NOT MORE SO* than I was. Because I deserve it, I'm capable of it and I'm worth someone's time and energy to hire me.

Yes I feel like a loser. Yes I feel like a failure. Yes I feel lost and insecure and sad. However, those moments are fleeting because I don't let myself believe them. I'm hot. I'm sassy. I have experience, I can sell anything, I can make people laugh, I can build relationships, I can make people feel great about themselves and I can do more than I give myself credit for.

I'd sure hate to break down here...because I deserve better. And I'll find it.

I'm blessed. I'm not forgotten, I'm moving forward even when it's easier to stay stagnant and I'm faithful that my life is about to change in a really, really positive way. It has to. Because I'm not breaking down. Here or anywhere else. I'm moving forward and I will find the best for me!!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Somethings got to give. Right..!?!!

People all around me are having great things happen to them. I'm happy for them. I know a lot of people who have been looking for the right job, or man, or shoes or whatever for a long time and I like that I'm still able to celebrate their joy and good news with them.

I haven't become bitter. Frustrated, annoyed, impatient...sure. But not bitter. And still optimistic. Which sometimes makes me feel naive. But at least I'm not a naive, bitter pessimist.

Guys come and go. If anyone knows that it's me. I hate when I cant figure out what's going on in the mind of someone I'm seeing. Or more accurately I guess I hate when I won't allow myself to accept who they are showing me they are. Actions, words...yea yea yea.

I'm not waiting for my time anymore. Who knows when that will be. I'm going on interviews, I'm dating, I'm staying busy with friends, I'm trying to better myself on this never ending journey of the meantime.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that I'm still here. It's a fight sometimes to block out the negative thoughts that some people in my life have placed in my mind. But thank God I have enough loving, caring people who have placed encouraging words and love in my heart that negates the bad that seeps in.

I'm emotional right now and that annoys me. Have some stuff going on inside of me that's not right so I'm going to the Dr this week to see if he can figure it out. Hopefully it's an easy fix.

He's just not that into you. You're under qualified. You're overqualified. We went a different direction. I'm just not that into him. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being left behind.

I'm tired of this pity party so I'm going to end on something positive. Even when you realize your value and what you have to offer others whether it's dating, jobs, family, friends...sometimes you'll still be hurt, disappointed and let down. It doesn't mean you've failed. It just means that you still believe that better is out there for you.

I'm blessed. My life is designed with a specific purpose in mind and I know that God hasn't forgotten me. I'll continue to pray, believe, hope and understand that when it's right for me, my life will finally make sense.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I say who! I saw when!! I say who...

Ok so that's maybe not the best quote I can come up with but who doesn't love Pretty Woman. And it's a great reminder. I mean, not in the way she meant of course, but a great reminder none the less. Especially in the world of dating. I will not base my opinion of myself on whether a guy I don't even know all that well calls or doesn't call. I will not feel less than really special if things don't go how I expected with a date. I will not forget that I'm fabulous even when my feelings get hurt and dumb boys make me cry. Because...I control it. I say who. I say when. And I say who!

Who has control over my thoughts, feelings, emotions and day? Me. Other's may influence how I react but I have ultimate control over me. Not hot guy number 1, 2 or 3.

I'm not complaining. This is kind of a preemptive strike. Because in the world of dating one day you cant keep up with the texts and calls and emails from multiple people, then the next day, radio silent.

It won't drive me mad. It won't drive me crazy. The only person who has control is me. So I'll put on my highest heels, my best accessories, my sassiest outfit and will continue to remember that I say who. I say when. And I say who. NOT the other way around.

Blessed, confidant, sassy and expecting and feeling the buzz in the air that somethin's about to change!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Poser no more!

Self acceptance, confidence, or permission to be happy? Yes, yes and yes!

Busyness breeds busyness. Feels good having stuff to do. Feels good to put yourself out there and be well received. Feels even better knowing, believing, that God has said "Finally." It hasn't manifested itself in anything other than me feeling that my time has come.

Getting calls from my resumes. Something is in the works. Perhaps maybe even a start date? Dare I hope? If not that then one that's right for me. I'm confident in that.

Guys are dropping out of the sky. Good guys. Attractive guys. Who are interested in me. Who like who I am and what I have to offer. Did I mention hot guys? I know there's more important things than looks but really people only say that when they aren't happy in the looks department. Of course we went to be respected and loved and taken care of by a Christan family man. And if he's hot...even better.

Butterfly moments have been replaced with hot guy moments. Which I'm totally down with. Funny where I'm meeting these guys. Out at a place I go to listen to live music sometimes. Through a friend. My Service Advisor when I took the Lexus in a few weeks ago. And these are gooood looooking men! I was out with Mindy tonight standing in the parking lot to leave and was telling her a story and this guy walks straight up to me and it was the Lexus guy. And he was all flirty and complimenting my hair and my shoes and my smile, which only made me smile bigger, then he complimented my bigger smile.....this guy is HOT! Stood out there talking for 20 minutes. Flirty. Huggy. Did I mention his dimples and he looked like a hot Harry Connick Jr?! And he's moving to Washington State! Of course.

BUT...I'm letting me be me and look what it's producing. Stuff! Interviews, dates, hot men falling out of the sky. I'm not the Melissa I was. I didn't really give myself permission to become the new Melissa because my circumstances aren't figured out. I don't have a job. I don't have a house. BUT...I do have my personality. I do have my stories that people like to hear. I do have my sense of humor, my compassion, my love for my family, my beliefs, my hopes and my dreams. That's what makes me me...

Crazy that it's taken me this long to see it. Or maybe this long to accept it.

Bottom line is I love myself. I accept myself for who I am right now. That's the shortest sentence of my blog but it's the most important right now and I'm not losing this. Not for a guy, not for a job, not for anything.

You can't love someone until you love yourself...I was looking for someone to fill that void. I did, me. And I'm quite happy with the me that I've grown into.

High heels, great accessories, good hair, big smile, tan. Yes yes yes. Happy, content and excited because I know that my "Finally" is here....more at peace than I've been in a long time.

Blessed, loved and taken care of!

Monday, May 10, 2010

My name's Melissa and I'm an addict...

I'm addicted to guys. I'm addicted to hurting people. With an emphasis on hurting guys. I'll go above and beyond, to the detriment of my own feelings, to help these guys feel better. Also known as "Stray Dog Syndrome."

I thought I'd moved past this. Sad to know that I haven't. Dated a guy. A hot, funny, attractive, fun guy. He was more trouble than he was worth. To most people. To me he was a project who needed fixed, saved, helped.

So what happens? He says things to me that hurt my feelings, I confront him about them and walk away and he blows up my phone with texts of apology before I even leave the parking lot. But I don't need apologies. I don't need someone who will make me cry and go above and beyond and hope for the best. I knew better.

I'm lonely. That's a big red firetruck sign if there ever was one. But I'm also a nurturer and caretaker. I've got to learn that I can't save everyone. I can't bring the strays in and not expect to get eaten up with the mange. I get attached, I want better for them than they want for themselves and I end up with not much more than a bunch of flea bites.

I've got to get past this. I need to get past the circumstances I think I can overcome. Or help them through. I know that I deserve better. I'll find better and I'll be wowed by a guy who wants to take care of me. Not because I'm tan. Not because I'm blonde. Not because of anything other than he sees in me someone who deserves love, respect and admiration....

In the words of Jonny Diaz...

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen
I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care
your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

(CHORUS)There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you'll do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you t
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you

~I'm going to choose to believe this. I've wasted too many tears and had too much heartache over guys that just aren't worth it. I'll still be a good friend. I'll still be a nice person. I just won't put your needs in front of my own, especially when I know you're not worthy or deserving of it.

I'm blessed. Still messed up, obviously, but praying faithfully and expectantly that God will guide me in His will and even when I veer off path, he won't judge or disown, will just nudge me back on track instead.

I'm 31....hopefully soon I'll grow up!