Monday, July 25, 2011

Ebbs and Flows

Writer's block.

This could be a whole lot of nothing coming out but I feel like I'm about to bust! I have so much going on inside this head of mine. This is usually my outlet and it seems clogged.

I haven't sold a house in a long time. Months. Actually I guess that's not true. I've sold 5 or 6 houses but the contracts haven't come together for one reason or another. Get so close then they get a bigger incentive, or their house didn't sell, or a better offer came along in their eyes and they couldn't justify not taking what others were offering, even when they loved mine more, because the other deal looked too good to pass up. Stressed, worrying, clawing, pacing. Getting me nowhere. Back to the basics. You do what you know to do and the sales will come.

I've lost touch with people in my life. Friends, family, co-workers, J. Some expected, some not. Some hurt more than others. I'm moving in a different direction then some. Some have chosen to take themselves out of my life for reasons I still don't know. Some I've decided to take out of mine. You don't get a manual for how to "Break up" with people. There's not a "They're just not that into you" guide for people who have made the choice not to bring you along on their journey.

For a long time I've had a hard time letting go. I've placed the burden of keeping relationships together on my shoulders. It's sad when you let people go. It's sad when you are let go. I've been disappointed by some, I've been surprised by others. I know I've let people down, I've been let down. When you pray for friends, when you pray for direction, when you pray for guidance, it might surprise you where the answers come from. A facebook friend you haven't seen in 20 years, a person you sold a house to years ago or someone you've never even met.

Last night I went to dinner with Jason, my parents and aunt and uncle. We sat on the back porch laughing and telling stories and sharing memories. And there was nowhere else I'd have rather been. This evening me and Jason went to dinner and the grocery store after work. We put groceries away, talked to the kids on facetime. My life has changed. My nights have changed. Girls nights have been traded for tball games and dance practices. Sunday Fundays have been traded for church and work. Date nights are now with one man, who I love more and more everyday and talks about the future aren't pipe dreams, they will be our reality.

I guess the ebbs and flows of life will always be there. Frustration one minute, laughter the next. Tears of sadness then tears of joy. I don't have as much time now as I did a year ago. I am married, with children, with a demanding job. That doesn't leave a lot of time in between for much else. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing. I feel like the balls I'm juggling are crashing.

What you focus on becomes your giant. I'm going to start focusing on being the best wife, mother, daughter, employee and friend I can be. I'll probably lose some along the way, will pick up new people on this journey and will always have the forevers that may not be your every days but will always only be a phone call away.

I'm blessed.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Pavlo's Dog and Braces

I had surgery last week. Was a tougher recovery than I anticipated. Still hurting but slowly getting back to normal. My surgery was kind of a pruning of sorts I guess. Painful process but all needed for something good to come later.

I was on some pretty good pain pills. In that they knocked me out. Not sure if it was the drugs or the anesthesia, both or what but God spoke to me pretty clearly through some dreams.

I've been battling things I've had a hard time letting go of. Some people and situations that have caused me tears, frustration, sadness, irritation, tears. I had a dream that I picked up a certain someone (insert frustrating person here) from the airport and they got in my car and I was as nice as could be, going out of my way to be friendly and out of nowhere she, er, they said "You no longer wear your belt like Pavlo's Dog and it makes me want to smack you." Yea, made no sense in my dream either. I was all, um that doesnt make sense. I know that Pavlo's Dog means something but it doesnt have to do with belts and why does it even matter to you whether I wear a belt or not. And they are all, well that's exactly the point that makes me so mad at you is that you just don't get it. ----So that's the gist of this dream. People mad at me over something that makes no sense that they couldnt even explain to me because it's absurd. Please hold..

Jonas has been on my mind non stop lately. I told mom the other day I couldnt remember his voice and that was really hard to handle. And not sure if it's 1. I havent seen him in 3 years. 2. I don't know where he is. 3. I have kids in my life again that I love and have fun with. 4 The emotions of thinking about growing our family or or or.....

Day 2 after surgery is usually hard and this was no exception. I was a hot mess. Couldnt move, walked like an old lady, couldnt bend over, Jason had to help me put on my pants. I was in a lot of pain. Had a dream that I was at the orthodontist. Jonas was sitting on my lap, facing me, talking to me close, as we did so many times. He had his pacifier breath, he was playing with my hair and we just had the best conversation. I heard his husky little voice as clear as if he were really sitting on my lap. And as I'm sitting there so enjoying this conversation with this little boy I love and miss so much the evil dr is putting braces on my teeth. I didn't understand why because my teeth were straight, I'd already been through 3 years of torture with those things. And as I was questioning the Why in the midst of loving on Jonas I heard "You don't understand the pain you're going through now but I promise the result will be worth it."

Well. I know God uses different ways to talk to us. This time was through some pain pill induced dreams but I got some really important lessons that I've been too awake to hear.

1. Pavlo's Dog. I knew it was something but couldnt for the life of me remember what. So I googled it. In my simpleton mind, it's an expected response to a learned behavior. If someone always gave you a drink when the phone rang then instinctively every time you hear a ring you get thirsty. Has nothing to do with a belt. Which was kind of lost on me for a minute but in my dream, the person was so angry that I wasn't wearing the belt like Pavlo's Dog. Aha! Stay with me here. You teach people how to treat you. Running after someone for crumbs, begging, pleading, love me, trust me, like me, talk to me...puts you in a place no one likes to be. At someone else's mercy. If you are always playing by someone else's rule and not getting close to the desired outcome, it's time to play by new rules. People being so angry with you because you don't act, react or do as they would or think you should, doesnt make you wrong. It makes them wrong. If you are leading your life for God's will, praying for his direction, He'll be the voice that tells you just because someone says jump, doesnt mean you have to ask how high. Unless it's pleasing to Him. So next time the phone rings, instead of running to the fridge for something to drink, you may decide to read a book instead. No one should get angry at you for not wearing a belt like Pavlo's Dog. That's as absurd as letting someone else having control over your mind, thoughts, feelings.

2. We don't always understand the pain as we're going through it. Sometimes over the past 4 years there were times I literally was crushed by the weight of the pain I was going through. Sometimes I felt like I was going through the same lesson over and over. I finally got it. And my life is more than I ever thought possible. And it's just starting. With a man I love more and more everyday. Jonas sitting on my lap gave me permission to remember. To grieve, to be sad sometimes still. This much later after. But in the midst of the pain, if we allow ourselves to go through it, then beautiful, straight teeth wait at the end. Or an amazing husband, or job, or family, or or or....

I sometimes still don't understand the hurts I've been through, go through still. But I know that for whatever purpose, I am. Because God has seen in me something that needs worked on, something that needs grown or something that needs tweaked. And if we stop in the midst of it, we'll never get to the other side of it.

What did my dreams teach me? To not let others control me, to let myself feel the pain, something beautiful is waiting for me at the end. I have the big, gleaming smile to prove it!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Blessings. Through tears...

Had a bad day. Despite my darndest to be positive and optimistic and encouraged, I still spent a better part of the day crying. While at work. Always fun trying to look professional with mascara lines ala Tammy Faye Baker. So on the way home I do what any normal, emotional, neurotic person does. Put a song on repeat, sang my heart out and cried my tears. Laura Story's "Blessings" was that anthem today.

"What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your blessings in disguise..."

I woke up knowing I was going to sell 2 houses today. Just knew it. I didn't. My partners did. The frustration of losing sales got the best of me and I was disappointed and the tears came. But the tears came as I was sitting at my desk in my office in a beautiful model home where I work. My job is a huge blessing to me. I heard twice today that for various reasons people wouldnt be buying from me but they appreciated who I was, my honesty, my sincerity. I prayed today on my way to work, as I often do, for the people I would encounter, that I would be able to give them what they needed. In my mind that's a house. Maybe they needed to be shown kindness, honesty, sincerity. Sometimes I forget how the kindness of strangers got me through some of my darkest days.

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world cant satisfy. And what if trials of this life, the rains, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise."

Jonas has been in my dreams every night for months. Sometimes I wake up crying, sometimes I wake up with a smile at a memory. He is in my prayers everyday. Today I found out he doesnt live in FL. It was hard enough knowing he was in Daytona and not being able to see him. Not knowing what state he lives in cut my heart in 2. No one tells you how to grieve a child who has other parents, who is still somewhere, just no where you can see or feel or hear him. No one knows how to help you get over the loss of that.

I've had a little boy I loved more than anything call me Missy. I have 3 kids I love now who call me Melissa. I'm married to a man who is wanting to give me a baby who calls me Mommy. I've had the blessings of being able to love with a mother's heart to special kids. I cant wait for the blessing of being able to love my own baby.

"When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart, this is not our home."

A year ago today I met Jason. After such a disappointing, frustrating, sad day I came home to candles, music, dinner, flowers and my husband waiting for me with a hug. Doesnt make the pain and fear and confusion go away but I have an amazingly special man beside me on this journey I'm on. I'm blessed. Through rain, through tears, through sleepless nights. I have a God who has more for me than I can imagine and a husband who I still can't believe I get to call mine.

I'm blessed. Even on the sad, frustrating days when life seems to be a confusing mess of crazy, I'm reminded that even in the midst of pain, God's mercy is in there somewhere. Always. And the lesson isn't in the answer, the lesson is in the lesson. Imagine that...