How's that possible?
Because life is confusing. If I've learned anything it's that life is confusing.
I have a confidence in myself, my abilities and who I am that I haven't had in a very long time. I have a job that allows me to be me, encourages my abilities and relies on my confidence. And I have it. I have all of it. I've never been so sure that I'm exactly where I'm to be.
Personally? I'm confused, I'm torn, I'm sad and I'm struggling.
It's the moments when the noise is too loud, or the moments too quiet that Satan starts in.
"You don't deserve this."
"You are selfish to want better."
"No one cares, why, for the love, don't you just stop talking?"
"You have failed, please stop fighting this and give up already."
And the answer to all of that is this.
I don't know what my future holds but I know that the plans God has for me far out weigh anything I can imagine for myself. For my family. For those I love. He is the one who has placed the dreams, desires and wants in my heart. He is the one who quietly says, "Keep going, don't give up, you're being obedient, you won't fall apart."
Where's that gotten me?
Well, it's gotten me quite far. I haven't fallen apart. I won't crumble, I won't quit. He alone has brough me to place of peace. That in the midst of a storm greater than anything I want to be part of, I'm safe. That when lies threaten the confidence I have in who I am, the right people know what to say to me. I don't surround myself with people who adore me, who bestow praise on me, who tell me nothing but beautiful things.
I seek wise counsel from those who will be honest. Who will tell me to pull it together, to get a grip, to stop taking things back that I surrender to God. And the questions are hard and the answers sometimes harder but I don't seek with the intention of finding validation. I don't blog to find attention. I don't share my heart to be told what others think of me.
I share what's on my heart. I pray that God guides me, leads me and works in me and thru me.
And He is.
Does life make sense? No
Am I ok with where I'm at? No
Am I dreaming, hoping and praying for more, better and best? Yes!
Not everyone is called to wear their heart on their sleeves. It's not easy or fun being vulnerable and transparent. But my prayer has been that when God gets me thru, He gets the glory for it. I can't do this on my own. We all know I'm half past crazy on a good day. Not everyone is taken down a path of crazy. Not everyone is facing what I'm facing. Or what you're facing.
What do we do to make life manageable?
What I've found is this.
I pray. I ask God to guide my heart, to convict in me anything that needs to be changed and to open my eyes to truth.
I seek wise counsel. I don't rely on my own feelings. If you are making decisions based on emotion, that's a scary thing to place your future in. I seek to find answers, I search to find truth and I long to live God's best for not just today and tomorrow but for eternity.
And I am.
But life is trying to break me.
Satan is wanting me to quit.
God is wanting me to trust, to believe, to concentrate and focus on what is real, what is true and what is from Him.
And I am.
My confidence doesn't come from anything I'm doing myself. My confidence comes from knowing and trusting with the whole of who I am that where I am is exactly where God wants me, where I've allowed him to lead me.
I cry, I'm sad, I'm torn and I'm lost but I know that God understands that. He doesn't take us anywhere He won't help us thru.
I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, I miss more than I ever thought one heart could miss right now but this isn't my ending.
Whatever He's doing, inside of me, I know is for better. I don't know the how or why or when but I trust in the heart of the God, who in the past year, has shown me healing, strength, beauty and gain from loss, ashes and heartache.
If God can use a hot mess like me, trust that He can use you. If He can make beauty from the pain I've lived, I can't even imagine what blessings are around the corner.
He laid on my heart at Thanksgiving to Be Still and trust. And I am. Still. Which goes against everything in me. I'm a doer. I'm a people pleaser. I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. I don't always like it, this place I'm in, don't always understand it and I don't always want it but I've never stopped trusting, believing and knowing that He'a alive, He's working and He's changing me. I stopped wanting to just be ok, I wanted to be excited, I wanted to be joyful and I wanted absolute peace that He will always hold me close.
He is. Everyday. And everyday I am reminded, thru prayer, thru devotion and thru the beautiful hearts of so many people, that I matter, He cares and I'll not just be ok, I'll have more than I could ever expect for myself.
Blessed because though I'm missing so much, He's filling me in ways I could never imagine. Trust Him, my friends. Life is so much better when you have a confidence and peace from the one who loves us more than we can imagine.