Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I guess I'm getting divorced....

So I married a man. He had a son I loved more than him and he's the reason I overlooked the crap that his dad brought to the table.

If you need some for instances, porn, lots of computer porn. To the point it made me feel like less of a woman than I'd ever felt.  Whatever confidence I had left was squelched by his girlfriend.  It was a fun marriage. 

Divorcing him broke my heart only for the reason that I knew divorcing him meant divorcing the boy I'd raised from a 1yr old. That kid was my heart and soul. We had inside jokes, we had fun, we had a life we lived together and it was something special. 

Then his dad would come back in town and ruin our blissfully happy existence. I got tired of paying for his porn and losing myself so I found it within me to divorce him. 

It was the hardest decision I've ever  made. Not divorcing porn lover, divorcing the innocent boy who was forever attached to him. I gave him my heart and there is no doubt, where he is now, he knows I love him. 

Now I'm faced with the same decision. Divorce. This times it's different. The stakes are harder. He's my best friend, I love with with my whole heart, I want more for him than he cares to believe for himself.  His lifelong quote was something like "work hard for what you want and expect nothing from no one. You only have yourself to trust in."  

Sad. And he believed it. And he perpetuated it. I love wholly, I give freely and I'm a big personality. I like to have fun, I like to make memories, I love to be with my family. 

The 2nd go around, after dating half of jax, presented me with the other half
of my heart. Life wasn't always beautiful and easy with him, but we loved and appreciated each other.

Others enter the picture. Life gets hard. Things are confused. Things are taken out of context. Tears, tantrums, accusations fly. But we fought thru, together, as a family should. 

We never got past the boys dying. I wanted to talk and discuss, the other half of the equation wanted to forget and move on. I'm not here to say who was right, but the way we grieved was separate and confusing. Mostly he was annoyed by my sadness, but more confused by my desire to share the struggle and journey with others. He loved that I was smart enough to string some words together but he hated the content.  It reminded him of the worst 2 weeks of his life and he began to resent me. For my pain, for my ability to express openly my feelings and for finding healing and moving forward with a supportive and loving group of people around me. 

I took time, I healed, I blogged, I painted, I planned birthday parties, I planned vacations, I lived the best life I could. Some days happy, other days devastated.  There were good moments, there were crushing and humiliating moments. I handled some things I'm proud of, some make me sad that I was ever so down that I had trouble remembering to look up. 

When 2 people are drowinging, they can't save each other. We loved each other, the love never left. We wanted each other, it was always present. But neither of us knew how to love the other thru their hurt and he didn't trust that I was strong enough to help shoulder his pain too. When I finally found my footing and was able to love him wholly again, the walls he had built up I couldn't penetrate.  He left. 

I wish I could say we figured it out but we didn't. 

When you get to a fork in the road and the options are to face what hurt you and rock your very foundation, or completely shut down and run away, the other half of my heart ran away and shut me out. 

Not just from his life but from 3 kids I loved and had a hand in watching the beautiful children and teens they have grown into. Broken and spilled out 

I didn't do everything right. My blog made him uncomfortable because it put a voice to what he was unwilling to face. The death of 2 baby boys we wanted more than anything.  His inability to freely express his emotions became the guillotine that would eventually cut the the heart of our marriage. I wanted it to work. He wanted to run away.  I stopped sharing my heart with others and it did nothing to fix us and made me go inward to a place I couldn't breathe. For someone who has been given a voice on things I wish I knew nothing about, not using it was crushing and the healing that comes from sharing was something I couldn't deny myself. 

I don't share for likes, comments, attention, I share because it's the only thing that has kept me sane.  I'm proud that I have been able to help others feel less broken, less crazy, less alone. I didn't do it at the expense of my marriage, it was already broken.  The messages of encouragement I get keep me going. The stories of how my faith has given someone else the courage to believe has kept me writing and sharing the ugliness and humiliation that life can bring. 

You can apologize for everything, change what was broken and find healing how you need but unless and until the second part of your heart is willing to be vulnerable then you will get nowhere. 


When someone chooses to find solace outside your marriage because it's easier to be alone than together, it's the end of the end. 

I made mistakes, I apologized, I tried, I begged, pleaded and prayed. I thought the worst thing I could ever do to him was cheat on him. I never dreamed that taking 8 months to get over the death of 2 babies and the pain and chaos it brought along would be the unforgivable sin. 

I love him. I want him. I miss him. I believe in him. But it wasn't enough. The voices in his head, the influences in his life, have determined that I'm not someone he wants in his. Or the kids we raised together for 4 years. 

I've felt broken, lost, defeated and insecure. I thought if I found a great job he'd love me but it wasn't enough. I thought if I was happy and silly he'd see the good side of me again.  My attempts to help others thru my healing incensed him. He didn't know how to let me be that person for him and I guess that made him look at me differently.  That others could laugh at the stupid things I shared that had happened to me infuriated him. Because, I think, it made him realize I wasn't the grieving, broken, lost, empty person he had left. He had left someone who loves unconditionally, who dreams bigger and who fights for what she wants and what she believes in. 

I have come to a point of realizing that even though the why has changed along the way as to what he doesn't love or want in me, the fact is he doesn't love or want me enough to see it through. 

It's not fait to air so much maybe but it's suffocating to keep this in.  People asking me constantly how he and the kids are and the truth of, I have no idea, has left me exhausted.  

I haven't done everything right. I know that.  I've done a lot wrong along the way. I changed. I accept that. I feel God giving me strength everyday to keep going thru decisions that are being made for me. I'm not blameless, I've reacted in pain and despair. But I can't live in this existence anymore where half my life is great and the other half is hidden by this pain. 

I've loved and lost a lot in my life. Raising 3 special kids I love completely is hard to get past. Loving a man who was my best friend, the love of my heart and my boy's daddy, is a pain I'm unsure of how to walk thru. 

He made a decision. A long time ago. And I've been fighting, for too long, alone, to save what's broken.

Too many marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. When we talked to a counselor she helped us both see how easy it is to blame each other and turn from each other.  We both had hope she could get us back but only one of us was willing to keep fighting. 

I know I'll find my healing, I'll continue to stand. Land with my healed heart, I will always love those 3 beautiful kids and their daddy who taught me what it felt like to be appreciated and special and loved. 

Loss changes people. I can't be upset that although we lost the boys, in those few hours with each we held them in love and hope, loving the miracles our love and prayers had created.  I will never regret loving their dad more than I've ever loved anything. To have lost so much, he was still my everything. 

Losing the boys was awful. Losing their siblings breaks my heart. Losing their dad is something this heart was never prepared for but I've come to understand that you can't want more for someone than they want for themselves and an unforgiving heart leaves nothing but broken hearts. 

I pray he finds peace. He deserves it. I pray he knows I loved him and never stopped. I pray the kids know they have a stepmom who prays for them every day that that they feel loved, special, and that they matter to many, most of all our Heavenly Father. 

That's the rant that has been expected to come. I have written 1000 different posts but have never wanted to share it.  I haven't wanted to admit it.  Ending something never feels good, especially when you gave it all you had and fully expected a different outcome. 

I can't be upset that we had the boys because I will forever hold the best part of their daddy inside of my heart. 

I loved, big. I lost, more. But I'll never regret being part of a beautiful man, his beautiful kids, who shared in the love of our beautiful babies. 

Life isn't always fair. Things and people change. You can let it make you bitter or you can fight to make it better. Thru tears and a broken heart, every single day, I'm fighting to make it better. 

I loved and I lost but I wouldn't change a thing. I know, when he was able to give his best, I had the absolute best there was to have. I love that man and I hope he finds what he needs and wants out of life. His big heart deserves that. 

I love him. I wanted him. I fought for him. In the end, it wasn't the outcome I wanted but I'll never regret falling so in love with the man who made so many of my dreams come true. 

God has blessed my broken road with beautiful things along the way and I know He'll continue to show me mercy as I stumble down this path to come. 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

I'm guilty, high heels and judging.

I'm guilty of a lot of things.

Crying because I miss Tucker and Fletcher. 

Not going to work immediately after losing my heart. 

Being proud of the crap that tried it's best to suffocate me and that I kept breathing. 

Working to the point of utter exhaustion. 

Loving without conditions.

Seeing the best in people even when they show you the ugly side of their heart. 

Working my tail off to be successful. 

Forging ahead when there were people wanting nothing more than to see me fail. 

Spending money I should have saved on impossibly uncomfortable shoes or an incredibly fantastic necklace. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt. 


Being mad for being judged. 

Placing hope in someone far greater than they ever placed in themself. 

Having a firm and steady belief that tomorrow will be better.  

Crying because, what if tomorrow sucks?

Listening to the same song on repeat 1000 times.  

Crying because I see an old person eating dinner alone. 

Going to sit with an old person who's eating alone. 





Giving advice to people I should have taken myself. 

Mentally throat punching people on a daily basis. 

Drowning my sorrows in wine. 

Getting up from a room because someone's mouth noises made me homicidal. 

Drowning my sorrows in prayer. 

Laughing til I cry. 

Standing taller than I ever imagined I could. 

Being disappointed in others. 

Being disappointed in myself. 

Loving others. 

Loving myself. 

I'm a crazy mix of hope and hurt and healing and pain. Of tears and laughter and sorrow and hope. Of singing and dancing and wallowing and tantrums. 

I'm guilty of a lot of things but I'm not, nor will I let anyone, make me feel guilty for being myself. 

For awhile I was ok simply being ok. No longer. I had much to prove to myself that I can stand, I can thrive, I can love and I can believe. 

I'm blessed because I have people in my corner cheering me on, I have a faith that's bigger than myself and I'm fine with being guilty of moving forward the best and only way I could. One day at a time and when that was too big, step by step. 

I'm learning, I'm moving and I'm growing.  Every single day I'm faced with the option of being happy or being sad. When you change your focus your change your outcome. 

It's a struggle, can't lie, to choose to be happy. "Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart." 

Sometimes it's disguised as whining, sometimes it's disguised as believing, sometimes it's disguised as a pain bigger than I know how to process but life keeps going. 

If I had to choose a life filled with love, hope and excitement vs a life filled with regret, resentment and anger, every single day I will choose hope!

Forward, onward and upward my friends. In high heels, with a big smile and a heart that genuinely believes the good in others.  

Be kinder than necessary. You never know what someone else is facing!