2014 is a fresh start. A new beginning. A new chapter. How many new chapters do you get in life? As many as you need I guess.
Do you know how you'll handle things? I think we all like to think ourselves being strong, resilient a fighting spirit. Unfortunately, you never really know how you will act, react and live until you are faced with things you never imagined facing when you thought you'd be strong enough to handle all that life as thrown at you.
How have I gotten through the past year? With God. With family. With friends. With solitude. A lot of time a lone. A lot of tears. A lot of anger. A lot of frustration. I've thrown things, I've hit things, I've said things I shouldn't have, I've said things that hurt but were honest. I've cussed, I've prayed, I've listened to sad music, I've listened to happy music. I've drank wine, I've drank orange juice. I've shopped, I've saved.
What's all that mean? It means that last year I got thru the best way I could. By putting one foot in front of the other. By taking it day by day, and when that was too much, too daunting, I took it minute by minute.
And here I stand, a year later, still fighting.
I'm fighting myself. I'm fighting the judgements of others. I'm fighting the lies I tell myself and the lies that others tell me. I'm fighting Satan and I'm fighting friends. I'm fighting to keep my head above water because life doesnt ever let up it seems.
This is depressing, I don't mean it it be. Life is frustrating. I feel like I've always been pretty open with my struggles. I feel like I've always been the first to say that I'm far from perfect. I am thankful that I have a God who understands that life is hard and when we don't live it in a way that is right, we can be forgiven.
But know what else is true? There's no handbook for how to get through things. You get through things by going through them. I havent given up. I haven't quit trying and I haven't stopped living.
So this year, 2014, I'm divorcing some things. I'm cutting off some others and I'm separating from what is holding me back.
I don't really do resolutions but this is my list of what I hope 2014 looks like.
1. Letting go. I can't change 1 thing I did last year. Not 1. I can be proud of how I handled some things, learn from things I handled wrong and move forward in an effort to continue to grow.
2. Moving forward. I will never move on from my boys. Not even going to try. They made me who I am today. I am stronger, I love bigger and I live differently because of them. But they aren't here with me so I have to continue to move forward to see what else this life has for me.
3. Done apologizing. I made mistakes. I made the wrong decisions. I screwed up some big things. Out of grief, out of despair, out of hurt, I didn't always make the best decisions. But I never disrespected my husband, our marriage or my relationships. I never did anything that should be looked at as wrong because I did the best I could. Even when it didn't look that way to others. Thankfully, I'm done apologizing.
4. Leaving the hurt behind. Not everyone will love you. Not everyone will want you. Not everyone will be my friend. I tend to see the best in people even when it's the wrong thing to do. A lot of people have a problem with my transparency. Because it makes them uncomfortable. Thats on them, not me. I will leave the people who showed me who they really are in 2013. And I wont apologize for it. See #3.
5. Not sweating the small things. And it's a lot of small things. It's ok to sweat the big things. The small things, going to let go of. See #1.
Last year was a year of healing. I needed it. I have never been more lost, confused, broken and empty than I was in a lot of 2013. I lost my boys, I lost my Nana, I lost my job, I lost some friends. I even lost some family. But I gained a lot! I know what matters and I know who cares. I know who I can lean on and I know what is important.
I have a good life. I have bad days but I don't have a bad life. I'm just a girl, with a lot to say about a lot of things. I will continue to write, I will continue to heal and I will continue to move forward. Hopefully with less tears, with less hurt and with less baggage.
I have a good life. I am blessed with some really special people and I'm thankful for the promises that I hold in my heart that I still not only cling to but also believe.
I'm not perfect. I'm not always strong. I'm not always happy. But I'm always trying, I'm constantly learning and I'm never going to give up hoping for better, seeing the best in others and living my life in a way that will honor my boys.
Happy New Year friends. I have high hopes for a great, prosperous and full 2014.