Monday, February 16, 2015

What does divorce really cost?

So, divorce. That's fun. In a kick yourself in the teeth kind of way. I've been trying my best to hold it together, the past week I think I've cried more tears from a place of pain I didn't know I had. It's funny, how tears come from different places. 

I have been so close to losing my mind I can't even tell you. And I'm not being facetious, I'm not being self depreciating, when I say I've been close to losing it, I mean it.  I've often thought of driving myself to the closest mental ward because they would have to know what to do with a crazy person like me. Better than I know what to do with myself.  But I don't even know where those are. Which I guess may be a blessing in disguise and keeping me out of lockdown and a padded room. 

Divorce sucks. It's the ending of something that I went into without a contingency plan. I never even considered one because I knew, finally, I'd found the person I was meant to be with forever. Who would protect me, love me unconditionally and be beside me through everything good and bad that life brings. And let me love and take care of him, too. 

I didn't expect that to end. 

I don't think I could have handled losing my husband with a fully intact heart. That my heart was already completely shattered, I can say, only by God's grace have I not given up.  

Laura Story sings a song called "Grace"
that I heard the other day and it spoke so strongly to my torn and beaten spirit. 

"And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?  But you answer: "My child I love you, and as long as you're seeking my face, you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace." 

Dang. If that doesn't answer every question of "how am I still breathing with a brokenness I don't know how to maneuver" than I don't know what does. 

Divorce is expensive. It robs you of all kinds of things that go beyond splitting this and that. 

What has it cost me? 

My Sanity- 
When you basically have an entire family erased from your life and you are left with only yourself, feelings of insanity are a constant companion. 

My Self worth-
When you're told by someone you trusted your heart with that you're nothing, you gave nothing, you did nothing and you ruined everything, it's hard to feel like you have anything to offer anyone.  And this is what's been hardest for me.  Because I know in my heart who I am, what I have to offer, but if the person you're trying to give everything to doesn't want it, how can you be blamed for not doing enough?  My old self would have said "screw you, I'm pretty fantastic and it's your loss for not recognizing what I am."  My current self screams, "please love me, please tell me that I was worth something, anything."  Sigh. 

My Dignity-
When you scream and cry to an empty room because you are desperate to matter to someone, when you beg to not be ignored and looked thru as though you aren't important enough for a second glance, your dignity flies out the window. 

My Health-
When you internalize every failure, every hurt, every what might have been, it takes it's toll.  When your resistance is already down from a year of trying to keep from drowning, stress can manifest itself in all kinds of ways that make your body hate you.    

My Appearance-
I used to feel pretty more days than not. Now I feel lucky if I don't scare small children. I'm haggard and I'm wrinkled. The past 2 years have not been kind to this gal. 

My Pride-
When you fight for every conversation for a year, when you have to defend every nasty, hurtful, cruel thing that's been said about you, and you continue to go back to the source of pain in hopes of finding a glimpse of what you are losing, pride is the last thing you feel. 

Today I had a series of much needed light bulb moments.  Thoughts were flooding my mind like a movie I was watching, memories of good times, devastating times, confusing and frustrating times. Tears fell as I thought back on so many things. 

Did I fail?  Am I worthless?  Did I never make him feel like he mattered or do anything nice for him or make him feel special?  

No. That's not accurate and I'm speaking truth to this so that I can move past it. 

I had a friend, she was self admittedly very overweight. And she joked one time that she was anorexic. The group we were with all kind of stopped what we were doing and looked at her like, "huh?"  She said, with a big smile on her face, "I know I'm anorexic because everytime I look in the mirror I see a fat girl looking back at me."  

It was a "duh" moment but she was making fun of herself and saying hi to the elephant in the room before anyone else could point it out. 

I've often felt like saying "I'm an abused woman because no matter how poorly I've been treated by those who are supposed to love me, I still only see the best and good in them and I keep going back for more verbal assaults. But they must really love me, somewhere deep. Maybe he's just confused because he couldn't possibly believe the horrible things he is telling me about myself right?!"


Abuse is a big word. I don't use it lightly and it kind of punches me in the gut to admit it.  Abuse can range from a multitude of things but emotional and mental anguish, cruelness and verbal attacks are very real. Sometimes they don't come from your spouse, sometimes they come from people connected. It's still wrong, it still leaves marks and it's not acceptable. 

I'm guilty of losing my temper, obviously. I've thrown things, I've hit things, I've screamed and I've cried.  Desperation brings out the ugly. Dignity and pride gone, remember?  I'm certainly not proud of that. 

I failed at a lot of things. 

But my marriage didn't fail because I wasn't good enough. I didn't lose an entire family because I didn't make anyone feel special or do anything good for them or I didn't grieve fast enough. 

It failed when it became more work than being easy and the scales were tipped and I didn't measure up.  The realness of me and our situation and the work it would take to get us back to healthy wasn't as appealing as erasing me completely from their life.  When things got hard, he left. Me sobbing on the floor. Over and over. He took the kids, he left and he hasn't looked back. 

It's made me feel like I was losing my mind. For 5 years they had consumed every part of my life, every memory I have.  So when every. single. thing. I was used to being involved in was taken from me, of course I was lost. Of course I was emotional. I didn't have my husband I loved more than anything, my life partner to talk thru the daily struggles with, laugh with, love with, I didn't have baseball games, football practice, dance competition, school projects, homework, vacations, never ending laundry, a dog that was in the middle of everything to keep me busy enough to forget what left me. 

I only had me. And after so long of having total chaos that being married, with 3 kids and a dog brings, the silence was absolutely deafening. 

I've been beaten down. I've kept going back for more, shame on me. And every single time I've lost more of who I am and what makes me me. Because I gave someone else the power to control my feelings, my emotions and turned my belief from knowing who I was to feeling that I wasn't good enough. 

I've been scared. So fearful of living a life without them that it's made me blind to the fact that, for a long time I haven't had them and I'm still surviving. And the only thing the memories and thoughts and attempts at making sure I was remembered and important and revelant in the lives that mattered so much to me, didn't change that I wasn't as important to them as I thought.  


But that's not a failure on my part. I gave absolutely everything I had and left my heart on the table. 

I realized tonight that I tried everything I could to make it work and I wouldn't be able to close this chapter of my life, as painful as it is, if I didn't try everything I could. But the only way it ever got ok was when I made myself smaller.  I stopped talking about God because it made him uncomfortable, I stopped laughing so much because he couldn't understand how I could be joyful when life was sucking so bad. I had to accept unacceptable behavior from others because that's just how they were. 

No. That's not ok. You don't perpetuate bad behavior, you grow up and make better choices. 

I know this, more certain than anything else, I outgrew him. And a friend threw me a lifeline today that she didn't even realize she was throwing. She told me "Don't let  anyone dim your sparkle."

I've spent too long fighting the voices in my head that remind me that I failed, that I grieved too long, that I'm an attention whore, that I'm selfish. And me going back to the source of my pain that adds new verbiage each time is no longer acceptable. When you know better, it's time to do better. 

The chapter is closed. It's over. And as painful as that is, it can't hurt anymore than being attached to someone who told me and made me believe that I wasn't worth it.

God gave me a huge gift today in the way of removing the rose colored glasses that inflated all the memories to better than they were for a long time to how life is right now. 

I'll never regret loving him and giving him my heart. Because when it was real and true, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever been part of. I'd never felt more beautiful, more special and more loved. 

He decided I wasn't good enough. That's on him. I'm still me and I'm still full of so much that I want to give someone who is capable of loving me back. 

When I'm ready, there will be someone else who will love this crazy, blonde, haggard mess. 

What does divorce cost?  A lot. Ask anyone who has been thru it. 

But what have I gained?  A lot. Ask anyone who knows me. I'm constantly seeking for truth, for the strength to be better tomorrow than I was today and I've never let anything make me doubt that God has a plan. 

Divorce- $1500 that I made him pay for
Botox to help the haggardness -$400
Boxes of wine- $50
The peace that comes with knowing that you are closing the door on a part of you that no longer brought anything positive- 

I'm going to take the advice of a very wise and loving aunt and I'm going to be selfish for a moment and take care of me. I'm going to love me and cut myself some slack for not losing my mind or my smile. Most days. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

What am I fighting for?

What am I fighting for? 

Been asking myself that a lot lately. 

So why do I keep fighting?  Besides the obvious I guess of having no real other choice?  I've always had a strong determination to survive, this is testing the limits. But I've never really seen an alternative to not surviving because I'm not sure as an adult what other choice you have than to figure life out and make it work. 

Doesn't mean it's done with grace. Doesn't mean it's done with a smile on my face. More times than not lately I have tears rolling down my face. I'm not sad all the time but I am so completely raw and the emotions are overflowing. 

What am I fighting so hard for? 

It's not to prove anything to anyone else anymore. It's not for validation from people I so desperately wanted to see and acknowledge a strength in me they always questioned. 

I wasn't sure what my fight was for. 

Then I heard a song that made me realize it. 

I'm fighting so hard because I'm a mother to two babies who never stopped fighting.  And I have to believe they got that from their mama. 

You hear of parents learning more from their kids than they teach them. I think it's pretty incredible how much 2 little boys I only held for a moment continue to teach me. 

I don't consciencly think of them everyday anymore and I know there has to be se healing in that but it's also hard to let that go. When I do think of them, I think of them as they are now.  And I don't know if people in heaven can see the ones left behind but I have to believe their spirits are around because their hearts are with me everyday. 

The fight has been hard lately. Really freakin hard. I have wanted to give up, throw in the towel and call it a day like a million times but I can't. 

Because I have a lot of life to live. Here and now. I'm slowly putting the pieces of my brokenness together and the light shines thru the cracks in different ways and seems to touch people where they need it.  And I don't know that until I share my pain and struggle and hear from them that they understand because they are facing it too. It may be the light of faith shining that I believe God hasn't forgotten me. It may be the light that I can live a good life thru grief that changes and the pain that lessens as each day I wake up without Tucker and Fletcher. It may be the light of a very lonely woman going thru a divorce from a man she loves and misses everyday. It could be the light shining thru the cracks of worry, anxiety, despair. Or maybe it's the light of hope and faith and belief. 

My life is transparent, I have a ton of cracks and what is inside me shines out. Sometimes bright, sometimes dim but the light of love and hope has never been burnt out. 

Why do I fight so hard?  Because I want to be the best of me I can be. For the people around me but most importantly for my babies who I know are beside me. 

I heard this song and I've listened on repeat.  Heaven is far away when what you want is waiting but my life is here and I'll continue to fight the good fight here so that when my time on earth is over, I will spend forever with my babies. 

"Homeward Bound.."

I will run
I will run this race
And I will do it all for love
Your love compels me forward
You love controls my heart 
And I just can't
I cannot get away

So I will fight
This good fight of faith
And I will do it all for love
You are my great reward
You're so worth fighting for
And I can't wait to see your face". 

I can't wait to see my babies. I see them in my dreams, I feel their arms around my neck, I can even hear their voices. Which is the strength of a mothers loving desire as I never even heard them cry.  It's real though. It's so real. 

But when I open my eyes they disappear. 

I'll run this race, I'll fight the good fight of faith and I will do it all for the love of my
boys. When we'll never be seperated again. 

Their mom isn't a quitter. I can't wait to see their faces when I will know without a doubt that my boys will be proud of their mama and I can run with them and never again have to be apart. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Period from hell and 3 pints of ice cream

Life needs to freaking let up. Not joking, not being facetious, not being woe is me. It just seriously needs the let up for 5 seconds so I can catch my breath. 

If I have any male readers, feel free to stop reading. 

So you know how every mother always says that the pain of child birth is forgotten the moment your baby is laid in your arms?  

I believe that's true.

Except for when it's not. 

I'll never forget child birth. With both boys, I remember every. single. pain. I remember every detail, I remember it all like it was yesterday. 

Mainly because I go thru the pain all the time. I've always had horrible periods, always. The dr's have told me since I was very young that once I went thru child birth, the pain would get better. 

And it did. For a year and a half my body was normal.  I mean, except for the breast milk I still had up until about 2 months ago.  But was mostly normal til one day it had decided I'd had enough of a reprieve and the flood gates of hell opened up once again. 

There are 3 types of people when it comes to period hell. Men who haven't a clue.  

Woman who have some cramps here and there, some moments of wanting to hurt someone during PMS and then the group of woman whose lives are put on hold during the worst times of their lives.

Every. Single. Month. 

Except I'm not normal so for the better part of the last 120 days, I've been living this hell. Some days it's ok. Some days I want to kill people. Other days I eat my face off.  Some times I wake up 11 lbs heavier than when I went to bed because of fluid retention.  Hand to heaven truth. Other days my face looks like a proactive commercial and then the really amazing days I am curled in a fetal position with a heating pad cursing the fertility gods that cause this pain that remind me I'm still not pregnant and they really want me to realize that. 

That's been me the past week.  My dr's have told me I'm one of the lucky few that goes thru true labor pains more often than most during their cycles. It sucks on a normal day.

Other times it's devastating. 

To be laid up, in excruciating pain, reliving the worst two times of your life is simply devastating. Because it's not just the physical that is too much to handle. It's the memories that play like a movie in my mind of when I truly was in labor. And how that ended. 

My dr has me on different meds trying to make my life less hellish. And that backfired and for 3 months I had a constant period.  Life has been fun around me let me tell you. Then I get a 3 week reprieve and out of nowhere a few days ago I'm knocked on my back. 

Literally. On my back with a heating pad and 4 heavy pillows on top. I have heating pad burns. How do you even explain that if I had to go to the ER or something? 

Please, someone, tell me it's not that bad. I promise I will slice your tongue out. 

Sometimes all the stars line up in life and just make you want to check yourself into an all expense paid trip by insurance and copay into the closest mental ward you can find so you can get a moments peace. 

I'm transparent, remember? 

So, what have we learned today in my blog?  

I'm hormonal. I'm still half past crazy and I'm a mess. 

But I'm trying my best to not let the crazy take over every part of my life. I like to spread it out evenly amongst all areas. 

You know, like talking to your ex about the divorce papers that are "in the mail." 

Hot mess, party of 14 personalities checking in. 

If it's not one thing it's 15437 others but so far my rack record of getting thru the crap is 100% even if the ways I get thru it are pints of ice cream, 3 heating pads and a box of Kleenex with a whole lot of caring people who allow me the grace to be myself. 

Right now I feel like a big fat lump of charcoal and that the light at the end of the tunnel is a speeding train headed right for me.  

But I know it's not accurate. Tomorrow I'll wake up with a better attitude than I have today and most likely, with an empty pint of ice cream laying beside me and a heating pad burn to remind me I made it another day!