Sunday, July 29, 2012

Babies in a bowl

The other night I was talking to Nana explaining to her that my meds schedule was probably going to change as the pharmacy didn't have one of the meds I needed.  So instead of starting my meds in 2 weeks, I start them tonight. (You've been warned.)  I was talking to her and the girls were in the car with me so I know they heard a one sided conversation about meds and shots and blah blah.  Got home and Jason and I decided to have a family talk and explain to them what the next month would kind of look like.  A asks me all the time when I'm going to be pregnant and I keep telling her we're praying about it and hopefully soon but as we are jumping in now we decided it best to tell them.

Conversation goes a little like this. 

Jason: "We are trying to have a baby and we're getting closer but have to do it a little different than normal. (I'm not sure they know the normal way and this was so completely not a conversation I ever expected to have with children, I let him take the reigns.  I'm nice like that.) Missy is going to start taking some meds that are going to make her a little more crazy than normal.  She may cry and be quiet or may yell a little and she will probably be hot and kind of moody and may cry a lot.  I will be giving her a lot of shots in her belly and then she will have surgery and they are going to take her eggs out.  Just like Chickens have eggs so do woman.  (I'm dying at this point.)  And then they are going to suck out the eggs and then put them in a bowl (He skipped right over his part of this whole thing) and once the eggs become babies then they will put them into Missys belly."

A looks at Jason, K and I and says "You're going to have a baby, in a bowl?  (Total Sweet Home Alabama moment, You have a baby, in a bar?!) Daddy no way."  Then she looks at K and she ever so slightly nods her head in affirmation as Jason had already kind of explained it to her, that yes, we were going to grow babies in a bowl.  Bowl, petri dish, tube...whatev!  Then she wanted to know since Jason had to give me shots in my stomach if he only lifts my shirt enough to see where to do the shot.  K says, "A, they are married.  He helps her in the shower and stuff."  Hilarious. 

So the kids know that I'm going to be taking meds that Jason gives me in the stomach, that in a few weeks they will suck eggs out of me and then grow a baby or 2 in a bowl to then be placed in my belly.

This is one heck of a baby story we've started. 

I'm nervous to start all this medicine and hormones.  I will do whatever it takes and will pray that the side effects that happen to so many will be mild for me and that in a few short months I'll have a baby in my belly after being grown in a bowl.

Love that we can all have a sense of humor about this strange journey we are on.  Blessed because my husband makes me laugh and I know that will carry us through. 

Um, but seriously, hug him when you see him.  It's about to get all kinds of hormonal up in the Neu house!! 



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Not pregnant

I mean, big shocker, right?  I start IVF in a few weeks, why would I think I was pregnant?

1.  I'm cranky and emotional
2.  I'm bloated and cranky
3.  I'm tired and bloated
4.  I had a dream I was pregnant and woke up bloated and convinced I was pregnant
5.  I'm emotional

So I did what every normal person does when they wake up from a dream where they are pregnant and took a test thinking this was my miraculous baby story. 


We have learned that I'm not pregnant, I'm just crazy, emotional and bloated.  I'm beginning to think it's just become who I am.  This bloated, cranky, emotional mess.  Jason is a lucky, lucky man!

This morning I got my updated IVF schedule and the nurse has called in my cache of meds.  Nothing like spending $5000 on shots that are going to make you more crazy. 

I had acupuncture last week.  The acupuncturist has PCOS and understood all of what I am going through outside of IVF.  And she has a very strong knowledge of that as she does a lot of Dr B's patients.  She made me feel better, emotionally and physically.  She taught me some meditative breathing that helped me relax as she stuck pins all through me.  Jason is freaked out and can't understand why I'd subject myself to this but I believe in Chinese medicine as much as Western Meds.  And the needles don't bother me.  The ones in a few weeks will be more scary as I'm told the meds can be pretty painful.  (The progesterone is mixed with oil so it's super thick!!  And the needle is like 18" long.  Yikes!)

I was laying on the acupuncture table in a cold, dark room, with a heat lamp on to warm me, needles in my feet, legs, hands, stomach and ears, music playing, thunderstorm happening outside and I did the meditative breathing she taught me and I prayed.  I relaxed, I breathed (?) I prayed and I cried.  So many emotions.  Will I be able to handle what the next month is throwing at me?  What if I get pregnant?  I know that's a weird question but this is something I've wanted so badly for so long, what will I do when I get pregnant?  Thinking of being pregnant makes me anxious.  Why?  I don't know, possibly because I'm crazy!  What if I don't get pregnant? I'm not allowed to even think that because you have to only think positive thoughts and not stress.  How will I deal with and handle the emotional rollercoaster Jason and I are about to strap ourselves into?

This morning, laying in bed after I got my negative pregnancy result, I was thinking about all kinds of things.  The biggest question that kept coming into my head was what if I'm not meant to have babies?  Would I be ok with that?  Right now the answer is no, I wouldn't be.  That's something I'm praying about.  It's very hard in a situation like this to pray for God's will when you so desperately want God's will to align with your dreams.  I don't think that will be my fate.  God continues to nurture the dream and hope of me having mine and Jason's babies.  Of me being pregnant, of him holding my hand through the pregnancy and births.  Of us bringing our kids home.  Of us raising our babies, together.  Tears!!

What is God's will for us?  We will find out.  I know that regardless of emotions, bloating, crabbiness and negative tests, God is preparing my heart for something.  I feel it.  He's preparing me.  I know it.  He's preparing me.  I'm blessed because of it. 

God is preparing me for our baby.  I believe it...

Monday, July 16, 2012

It's IVF time in the Neu Casa

It's here.  It's time.  IVF. Hormones. Triplets. Shots. Appointments.  Scans.  Bloodwork. 
Here we go...

The next few weeks should be mostly tame as far as hormones and schedules go.  I'm on the pill for 3 weeks.  This whole fertility treatment thing boggles my mind.  I'm taking birth control pills the month before I try to get pregnant.  When I was trying IUI a few months back I was taking meds that are used for breast cancer treatment.  I'm taking a shot everyday, twice a day, that I've been taking for a year now that is used for diabetes that helps me ovulate.  And people wonder why I'm crazy?  It's a puzzler!

For those who want the reader's digest version of what the next 6 weeks will entail, here it is.  For those of you who don't, you're dismissed.

Now- Birth Control so that they can control my cycle and with my PCOS and my susceptibility to getting ovarian cysts, the pill helps keep those at bay.

3 weeks- Baseline scan to make sure I have no cysts

week 4- baseline ultrasound, if all clear then I start the 10,000 shots a day that will turn me into a raging ball of crazy.  Those meds kind of turn off my reproductive system, then they give me a bunch of shots (actually Jason will be giving me all these shots) that restarts my reproductive system and then they manipulate it to grow follicles (eggs) really quickly and controlled.  I will go for appointments 4 times that week for scans and bloodwork.

week 5- If all goes as planned then they will surgically retrieve the eggs that have grown and matured with the meds (did I mention I will be bloated and angry and emotional during this?  No?  I will be) Jason will have some surgery done and a day or so after that I will have embryos transferred. 

Then we wait. 

I've struggled with whether to post about this.  Me show restraint?  HA!  On one hand I let things out through this blog, people pray for us, support us and encourage us and it's a beautiful thing.  On the other hand we run the risk of, "Are you pregnant yet?"-"Did it take?"- "They are transferring how many embryos?  Are you going to be Octomom?"  It's a risk I'm willing to take.  The encouragement is nice and the prayers are needed and most greatly appreciated.

SO- we have a whacked out story on this baby making process, but, we have a story none the less that will at some point end with a baby or more that Jason and I have dreamed of, prayed for and loved into existence.

Thanks for standing in prayer with us as we start on this journey.  Blessed because we have God, each other, family and friends cheering us on.

Oh and if you see Jason over the next 6 weeks, give him a hug. I'm sure he's going to need it dealing with me!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Trucker hats, beach, and crabs

It always amuses me seeing the blogs that get the most views.  And the ones that get the most re-views.  Hopefully the message gets through of what my heart is trying to speak.  Or scream.  Whatev.  If I can't do it face to face maybe this blog will suffice.  One can hope.

Jason and I met 5 years ago.  Ha, inside joke.  Only 2.  Feels like 12.  How funny time is.  To know someone so well, to know their smirks, their smiles and their facial expressions, their heart, their soul, their hopes, dreams, fears, and disappointments.  2 years doesn't seem like nearly long enough to have known my best friend and all that makes him who he is.  And makes us who we are.

He sees in me something I don't always see in myself.  He really does make me strive to be better, if only because I feel like he deserves to have the best.  Our life isn't perfect.  We have bad days.  We have days where he gets the silent treatment for the majority of the time we're together but he's come to understand that sometimes I go inside myself to figure things out.  And then I come out better.  We have days where we talk about our dreams and share our fears.  We have days where we lay in bed and laugh until we cry.  There really is no better feeling of comfort in this world then to have a person you love and trust more than anything be your shoulder to cry on, be your voice of reason and be the person to hold your hand and hug you when that is the only thing that will make it all better.  God knew that I needed him.  And only exactly he would do.

We went on vacation last week and instead of going away and running ourselves ragged, we stayed close to home and went camping.  We were spittin distance to the beach and pool, we were next door to our friends and their kids, we were close enough but far enough away from home to just relax. 

Sitting on the beach was therapeutic. I was out of sorts because I have so much going on in my head.  There were questions I had to pray about and seek the answers for regarding a lot of things.  Stepparenting, IVF, work, marriage, family.  I sat on the beach one day for about 4 hours, by myself, while Jason had the kids at the pool and I just prayed, and cried, and quieted the voices in my head and listened.  And I walked back to the camper feeling more ready than I have been since we started this baby journey.  Thankful that I serve a God who gives us answers when we go to Him in prayer.

We went looking for crabs a few nights.  2nd night we hit the motherload.  I picked up a crab because the 2 men wouldnt, the 5 kids were screaming and then I realized it was me screaming when a crab was hanging off my finger.  Then the 2 men were laughing and the kids were still screaming.  I'm never one to back down from a challenge so I went in for the bigger crab and that sucker pinched the crap out of me again.  This time hanging on my thumbnail on either side.  The kids were freaking out, I was laughing and screaming. Our friend finally whacked it off my nail and the poor thing lost a chomper claw in the process.  Then died I think.  It was a hard fought battle.  Jason thought I was completely stupid for getting bit twice but was impressed at my crab whispering skills!

Back to the real world a better me.  A week away did wonders for my tan and my soul.  I needed time with my husband, with our family, with our friends, to just be us.  Not the dolled up, stressed out version I've been lately, the trucker cap, flip flop, bathing suit wearing, down to earth me that I have missed. 

I have a trucker hat with "princess" across the front I'm going to start wearing as soon as I get home everyday  1. To remind myself that I need to chill out and relax and pray more than I worry.  and 2.  To remind Jason that he is, in fact, married to a princess and needs to act accordingly.

Blessed because God answered the prayers of my heart, calmed the fears of my mind and has prepared me for what the next month will bring.  Bring it on IVF, time to get this baby story started!!