Friday, September 5, 2014

I wish...

I wish I could simply move on.

I wish I channel the hurt and disappointment into motivation to get to a place that won't be so painful as this. 

I'm unsure how to navigate this loss. I feel like my life for the past few years has been an expensive game of Jenga. Lost Tucker and the column shakes but it doesn't fall. Fletcher dies and it's pretty obvious everything is going to crumble but it doesn't. I lived my life waiting out the shaking, waiting for the world to right again so that I'd feel comfortable moving on without fear that one hard wind would knock it over. I spent so much time trying to shield myself from the gusts, I was completely caught off guard when it was nothing more than a whisper that collapsed my world. 

I wish that moving on was as easy as it sounds. As others make it out to be. If I could identify which pain was more dominant than I may have a chance at healing. Right now I feel like I'm bleeding out and I'm surrounded by people that want to help me but as soon as they place their loving hands over the wound of losing Jason, the blood starts pouring faster from the break of losing the kids. I catch myself lost in thought of how their new schools are and if they are happy, if they miss me as much as I miss them. Do they understand that I loved them in a way that was honest and sincere and I'm unsure how to move past that and the hurt that I might not have mattered to them as much as they mattered to me crushes my heart. 

I don't know what hurts the most so I'm unsure how to move on from it. Letting go of embryos is releasing the last part of of a whole world of hope I held onto for a long time. It's letting go of the belief that J will one day wake up and realize that him walking out of my life was the moment my world stopped making sense. It hadn't felt right since the boys died but that he could walk away from me without a single glance back, crushed my heart in a way that nothing compares to. Not mattering to someone has to be the biggest disappointment and hurt in life. 

I want to move on. I'm just not sure of what to put my energy into. Each loss is different but equal in that they all have left me alone with more questions than answers. 

I'm strong. I know I am. You don't get over losing twin baby boys if you don't have some strength. You don't sit with your grandmother as she makes her way to heaven if you don't have enough strength to know that the bond you have will be stronger than the loss she leaves behind.  You don't get thru your best friend walking out on you and leaving you sobbing on the floor. You aren't capable of knowing you have 3 kids down the road who you can't see but can still walk thru life.  You can't get thru if you don't have strength. 

I'm proud of my strength but I'm tired. If I could identify what hurts the most, which pain I'm supposed to let go of first, which loss I'm supposed to move on from, which dream I'm supposed to be ok with losing, which relationship I'm supposed to be ok missing, if I could identify which loss shook my life the most, I might be able to start to move on. 

If I weren't so strong, if I couldn't manage to make it thru so much loss, would I have had to prove myself in such a painful way?  If I weren't strong enough to get thru losing everyone I loved, would I still have them? 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

It's time for some good news...

I've been talking lately about the hard and hurt. It's time to talk about the things I love and there's plenty. 

This girl. Met her, hit it off immediately over complimenting each other's accessories and quickly became the best of friends. She's one of the sweetest people I know, she's up for any adventure and she love life. Jesus shines thru her and I love all the life we're living together.  We wine taste, we talk, we cry, we laugh, we shop, we eat fancy dinners together. God knew I needed someone to get me thru and he sure delivered in a fancy way!  

Walking home everyday whether it's been a good day of frustrating, I have a wall that immediately makes me smile. It's a wall that has my whole heart on display and it's a happy place to come home to. 

Music moves this girl. Speaks to me on so many levels. I love that when I'm feeling content, worried, anxious, excited or peaceful, there's always a song for that. And that that my friend knows the words to every song on my playlist and sings her heart out with me. 

Jewelry makes me happy.  So many beautiful choices to fit so many different moods. 

Wine, self explanatory! 

Shoe closests that house the highest, sexiest, collection of stilettos, wedges, booties and more. 

My Bible that I jump into everyday, encouraging books that new friends thought enough of me to send, my laptop where I am free to get out my thoughts and more. 

I love that words speak to me. I love that words can speak for me. I love that I can have no idea how I feel and then write it out and feel whole again. I love that from me sharing others feel something. 

I have a beautiful life. I am making memories everyday and I'm thankful. I'm truly thankful that right now, I have all I need. And I know as I grow, God will continue to take me to places I've never imagined. 

I love that butterflies still surround me,
Circle me and remind me that thru struggle, darkness and time, you become more beautiful than the ugliness of the cocoon that bound you. 

I'm a blessed girl with a fab life and I'm just loving loving the fab things I love! 

Mwah!  Hope you each have a list of things that make you smile, make you think and make you better! 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Doormat or obedient, selfless or stupid?

I don't suppose it's a shock to anyone that my life has, once again, turned a new corner.  I have 2 options when life turns a direction I wasn't expecting, cope or don't.  Deal or run away.  Sink or swim.

I've been reading a lot lately and was reminded of how much I like to swim.  I'm going to spend more time enjoying that than worrying about drowning.

I've been confused.  The past few weeks have been some of the most devastating I have faced in a really long time.  I lost J a long time ago.  He made a decision that he didn't want me in his life a year ago and I fought through love, words, actions, deeds, apologies, tears, to try to get us to a point of reconciliation.

I have a peace now because I realized, what I was holding onto is no longer there.  People change.  You find out the true spirit and heart of a person through the hard times and the hard times revealed in us a couple that wasn't compatible.  I wanted to fight to restore and hold true for better and worse, he decided to go the way of the world that if you aren't happy that gives you an out.

I've held on, for much too long.  I have found a peace through the troubles that surround me.  I may have placed unfair expectations on my husband.  In that I believed that when times got tough, we'd stay together and work thru them.  He didn't see that as a viable option.  So he left.  More than a few times.  And he's made himself a life that includes whats important to him.  His kids, our dog, his work, football, activities.  He never had time to talk to me.  Never would meet me.  To think that a relationship as important as a marriage could sustain, let alone be restored, through the only means of communication he would allow, text, was ludicrous and brought nothing but misunderstanding, hurt and pain.

The past few weeks I've been lost.  I've been lost in a pain I couldn't put words to which frustrated me because I believe that when you put words to something they lose power.  I don't know if it was simply my heart trying to protect the brokenness but I couldn't get it.  I didn't understand.  I couldn't comprehend that someone who was once my lover, my protector, my everything had chosen to become nothing to me.  And took everything I loved and held dear with him.

That there is the end of the sad.

I fought, I prayed, I loved, I believed, I trusted, I wanted, I begged.  I wanted my husband back.

He didn't want me.


But thanks.

Because in the past few days, that I have filed for divorce from a man who didn't want me, I've gained a new kind of being.  I'm me again.  I'm free.  I was waiting for a sign to show me that it was ok to end a marriage that the other had given up on and that freed me to do the same.  I'll never stop loving him.  I'll never stop believing in him.  But loving someone who he no longer is was crushing my spirit.  He changed which breaks my heart because the man I fell in love with was amazing. He was caring and giving and compassionate and kind. He would never have placed such unrealistic ideals that getting over the deaths of boys is something you can just wish away and act as thought they didn't exist. He wasn't just ok with that, that I wanted them to matter was beyond him.   I know, with all that I am, that the man I fell in love with and married was the best there was.  Simply, he was my best friend and we fit.  Loss changes people and unfortunately I lost the best of the man I loved. 

He ran away and I grew wings.  I've become a very big me.  My dreams are big, my hopes are bigger.  My hurt was way too big so I had to acknowledge what was hurting me so it wouldn't have so much power over me.  Wanting someone who no longer wants you is probably the most painful form of rejection someone can face, but I'm ok.

I'm better than ok.  I outgrew him.  I knew this a long time ago.  While I was healing and he was running, I found my voice. I found my heart, my passion, my joy and my spirit.  It was restored.  My marriage wasn't but my soul has never been fuller.  He hates that I blog to help others because it reminds him of the boys we lost. The fact that I have no husband, no toddlers or 3 kids I love, is a pretty in your face reminder everyday I can't forget. I've never understood how burying your head in the sand and running back to a life you hated would get you anywhere other than to a sad life. 

So I left that behind me.

I have lost a lot.  Some like to say that makes me a victim.  I say, ok.  Some say that i took too long to grieve.  Ok.  It no longer affects me because I've decided what is important to put energy into and what i need to leave behind.  And the snarky winches who have nothing better to do than to judge a woman who loves God, loves others and tries her best to be better than she was yesterday is completely lost on people who are content merely existing. 

I'm not made to exist, I'm made to live.

I'm leaving behind a man who showed me so many beautiful things.  We laughed, we loved, we created memories, we raised kids, we had kids, we lost babies, we lived a very full life in a few short years.  Maybe it wasn't as long as I had hoped for but what I have found has given me the strength to move on and the understanding that you can't spend your time trying to convince someone else to see the beauty, the strength the growth in you when it doesn't matter to them.  You do nothing but lose when you're fighting with someone who is a quitter.

I woke up, every single day, crushed because my husband left me and turned his back.  I'm not mad at him.  That's his decision.  I had a decision I had to get to as well though.  I could continue to hurt every day by being rejected by a family i loved with my whole heart who no longer had a place for me and grieve and hurt and cry over what I had lost or I could be thankful for the beautiful years I had with them and realize it was time to let them go.

This poem hit me hard. Right between the eyes and heart hard. It's beautiful and poignant and true. 

I'm moving on.  I can get hurt every single day by the rejection of a man who no longer believes in me, wont see or talk to me, ended our marriage over text, (I'll see your break up post in note Carrie Bradshaw and raise you a text divorce.) I can be angry about that or I can consider how much he must be running from if he couldn't even say to my face that the marriage was over.  I know that doesn't make me a coward.

The process has started and I have something I haven't had in years.  I have freedom to be me.  With no apologies, no regrets and no looking back.  My life is full, I have beautiful people surrounding me and as I face this new meantime of waiting, I'm not sure I've ever been so excited.

I know, without a doubt, who I am, what I believe and what I have to offer.  I'm headed in the direction of a beautiful place and for the first time in too many long, painful months, I'm not weighed down by heartache but am lifted by excitement.

I'm finally free to be me!