Thursday, December 31, 2009

Reserved tables, arent you pretty, stink eye, and high heels (of course)

Today was a really good day. Volunteered with the Gator Bowl, it was the Hall of Fame Coach's Luncheon at the Hyatt. Usually we do the welcome dinner. At Dave and Busters. Or Sneakers. And usually we are supposed to wear ugly sweatshirts. Today we were supposed to wear khakis but as I have none I wore all black with my grey knee high boots. My plan was to find a man, specifically Bobby Bowden. Jokingly. It worked. Really...

Standing in a ballroom set for 1000 people, welcoming people, fans, coach's, players....getting hugs from the president of the Gator Bowl's mom and aunt, winks from some coach's, a few yes mams from players who were cute until I realized probably weren't legal just made me feel like me. I was totally in my element!

There was a "Green Coat" lady giving me the stink eye. We were both doing the same job and she kept cutting me off helping the attractive ones. I let her have them. I knew the Coachs were coming in. She wasn't smiling. Probably because her coat felt important at home but looked like a green men's blazer next to my pashmina...hehe!

My Dad tells my Mom and I to come to the front after we were done and they were asking people to have a seat at their table. The table right in front of the stage, CSX, was for us. We didn't know that, we thought we'd be relegated to the back. Behind us was the Governor of WV, Coaches, old Players. It was just a really nice event that I was expecting to volunteer at, not be part of.

I went to the restroom while lunch was being served and walked out right with Bobby Bowden. I asked him if he needed help finding something and he said the restroom so I walked him to where they were. And from the cutest old man, aside from Papaw and Popsy, Coach Bowden gave me a hug and an "well aren't you pretty." I was kind of giddy...

Here is a man that is 80 years old, who is loved, respected, known by so many, giving me a hug. Not in a line of people asking for pictures or autographs. Going to the restroom.

So when the presentation and speeches started it was really neat to hear the stories of Coach's, players, Verne Lundquist who I listen to all the time on CBS sports, front and center.

Coach Bowden got up to speak and maybe because we had a moment (yes, it was a moment) I was extra touched by what he was saying. He's charming, funny, witty, Southern. But he was also very wise. Said that when he coached for WV, who they are playing against tomorrow, he was new and made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of games because of those mistakes but without making them and losing those games and seeing what changes to make he wouldn't have been able to go to learn, grow, and have such success at FSU. Nothing we haven't heard before, but hearing it from such an iconic man, 10 feet in front of you...

Mom leaned over and said, "2009 wasn't a great year and had a lot of pain but God sure is ushering us into 2010 with a bang." It wasn't that I didn't have to wear a sweatshirt but heels. It wasn't that it wasn't at Dave and Busters but the Hyatt. It wasn't that I was eating a piping hot steak dinner instead of running tables to get players drinks and ketchup (yes, I've done that.) It wasn't that I had a great time doing what I thought I was there to do and was ok with sitting in the back. It was that I got to do something I really enjoyed doing then we got to sit at a reserved table, one we didn't even know was reserved for us....

How much more does God have for us?!

Dream bigger this year. I know I am. I hope you feel as blessed, favored and loved as I do right now.

Happy New Year! xoxo

Saturday, December 26, 2009

High heels, yoga toes and being thankful...

Christmas was nice. I realized Christmas Eve that nothing that was on my "Christmas List" was tangible. And most things I wanted weren't even for me. I was feeling very noble and quite proud of myself.

Then Christmas morning got here and I got books and makeup and purses and earrings and shoes...And I was so excited prancing around in those new shoes, taking time to wear them all. So maybe my list wasn't tangible but clearly I have a love of things. Maybe not quite as noble as I thought, I'm just a girl after all.

However, the things that have been on my heart for other people have only been magnified over the last week. My parents and I went to see a special friend of our family, someone who was probably the first person we met in FL, on Christmas Eve. She's living in a retirement place of sorts and she's figuring out who she is I think without her total independence and her house and all of her things....But she is still the same spry lady with the sparkle in her eye and smile quick to shine. Her light hasn't dimmed because her circumstances have. She's 96, I think it's probably wise to emulate her.

S0, new year right around the corner and in the past few weeks since I've decided I'm loving who I am and working on the things that need improved or changed or removed, my confidence has gone up. Not because of who I'm dating. Not because of what I'm wearing. Not because of who may or may not think I'm good enough.

My circumstances haven't changed, aside from new shoes and yoga toes to keep me from being crippled, but my attitude has.

In the wise words of Jewel:

"I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else, believe in me even if someone can't see a stronger woman in me. Be my own best friend stick with me to the end, won't lose myself again, never, no, cause there's a stronger woman in me!"

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Where are you Christmas?

Christmas is in a few days.

A lot of people I know are celebrating this year new births, prosperity, health...I'm celebrating their good fortune with them.

A lot of people I know are wondering how to get through this Christmas. One of my very best friends is going through her first Christmas without her baby. It's not at all what her and her family ever imagined would be something they would have to endure. I pray that God gives the Murphy family an extra dose of peace this season. A friend of my mom's is spending this Christmas with the news that her cancer isn't what they thought and she's planning her life with PET scans, chemo and dr's appts. I pray that this Christmas God gives her and her sister a very special year of memories and laughter and healing. A dear, dear friend of mine got the news today that his soon to be 9 year old grandson Bryce has bone cancer. He and his family are facing decisions of chemo, radiation, prayer for the Williams family is that God touches Bryce and heals this little boys body and brings comfort and rest to his family. Friends who are facing the first Christmas without a spouse, child, mother, son are getting my prayers of peace and assurance and comfort. That God hasn't forgotten them and as lonely as they feel that somehow they feel loved even stronger.

So many more I could list but I wont, God knows the needs and He's hearing the prayers of so many hurting people. My intention isn't meant to be a downer, it's just meant to be a reminder of what this season can be about. Be extra kind to people, smile at the frowning man, say Merry Christmas to the stranger who looks like they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Truth is, they probably are. And a kind word and smile may give them just what they need this Christmas to feel loved and cared for.

The New traditions, old traditions, laughter, tears, sadness, excitement, thankfulness, healing....

Christmas is here. Everywhere. If there is love in your heart and your mind, you will feel like Christmas all the time. I feel you Christmas I know I found you, you never fade away. The joy of Christmas stays here inside us, feels each and every heart with love.

Merry Christmas to you and your family. May God's blessings touch you all ina very special way!

Monday, December 21, 2009

UK2K Woot!

My Cats are back! Tonight was the 2000th win. Most in NCAA history. It feels so good to have the excitement and energy and pride back that I grew up appreciating. I actually kind of teared up when we won. And we won by something like 50+ points. Regardless. And got tickets to watch them play against the Gators. So happy I'm going to see them in person. Even if it is at stupid Florida.

Emotional wreck I am. But it's ok. Funny timing because I feel like I have a ball of nerves inside me, like a kid waiting on Christmas to get here to see whats under the tree. I know whats under the tree (can't wait to wear those knee high grey leather slouched boots.) I digress...

A good friend I haven't heard from in years emailed me today (love facebook) and reminded me that God's timing is perfect. I'm thankful for that reminder! And for the incredibly caring people that feel it's important enough to remind me of.

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for but I know it's going to something bigger than I was expecting. And I'll get to wear my new fab boots to celebrate!!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Tis the season

Went to dinner with a friend who I havent seen in much too long tonight. We were in a busy restaurant and people were laughing and Christmas music was playing and I was wearing my fabulous charcoal grey peacoat. Felt like a movie. I love Christmas.

Spending time with D tonight brought back all kinds of emotions. She was friends with me when I was mom to J, when I was building my house, she helped unpack my house, Christmas parties, bbq's, spa trips, all kinds of good memories. I'm thankful she's in my life once again. Nothing like good friends to remind you where you've been and be excited for where you're going.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I get that passed down from Nana and my Mom. This Christmas is going to be a lot different for a few reasons and I'm trying to remind myself why we celebrate the season. Nothing like removing the "stuff" whether by choice or not to get down to the real reason for the incredible season.

Bears on the mantle, homemade pj's, made from scratch cinnamon rolls, Christmas Eve church, movies, dinner, stockings, gifts, laughter, music....there won't be as many players in our festivities this year and it's hard not to be sad and miss those that won't be celebrating with us this year but it just serves as another reminder what we need to pray for, be thankful for and look forward to.

This year my "bear" may be standing alone but my mom is thrifty. I know somewhere there is a boxful of another bear and baby bears waiting for their spot on the mantle.

I'm thankful today for family, friends and traditions. I hope everyone reading this is filled with the Christmas spirit and whether it's a year of family traditions, new or old, that you're surrounded by people you love!


Friday, December 18, 2009

I'm just not that into you!

I hate planning things. Something always happens. If I fly by the seat of my pants then there's no expectations, just go. Supposed to hang with my Aunt and Uncle last night but they are sick (feel better.) Job interview turned out to be same stupid company under a different name that I "interviewed" with 5 months ago. They'll help me find a job. For $5000. Uh huh.

I made an internal pact with myself when I was in KY that I wouldnt fall back into the trap of entertaining "seat fillers" in my life out of boredom. I have enough friends, family, things to do to keep me busy without adding guys I'm not all that interested into because I'm bored. Sorry fellas, I'm not trying to be rude, just trying to get real.

Does it affect me that they are successful? Not one bit. Does it affect me that they are attractive? No, because most think they are more attractive than they actually are which is hugely annoying. Does it affect me that sometimes they are nice to me and others times they aren't? Used to. Quite a bit. Not anymore. Because I had a moment of clarity the other day that I'm not a confident poser. I'm not faking it til I make it. I'm actually quite happy with who I am. Yea, I know. That's the truth too. Everyone who asks me what I'm doing since I've been back gets the truth...looking for a job. Where do I live? With my parents right now. Do I have kids? Yes, thanks for asking I do. If we're friends for more than a hot minute I'll tell you about it. My emotional energy is spent on people I care about. If you become one of those people I'll be happy to share J with you.

I'm not being a snob. I'm not being rude or self righteous. I've just come to understand that what I am selling right now is myself to everyone I meet but first I had to sell myself to me. The current model. Not the one of 3 years ago that was fancy and flashy. The toned down version.

But this one comes with real friends, real family, faith in herself, the ability to laugh at herself and cry when the need is there. I no longer need seat fillers. It's nothing personal, it's just that I'm just really not that into you! I have shortchanged myself too long with pretty disasters wrapped up with a bow and a fancy dinner. No more. I'll order take out and work on my ego instead of stroking yours which is kind of already a little too big!

Wow. That felt good!

Monday, December 14, 2009

So long, farewell...

I'm bidding Ado to 2009. It wasn't my year. Bad choices, bad people, bad circumstances, blah blah blah. I'm making a list of goals for 2010. NOT resolutions. Goals. I'm not resolving to do anything. I'm planning, working and believing I will achieve the following:

Peace. No matter what my circumstances I am going to live in the peace that God promises for His believers. As a believer, that's a perk I haven't taken full advantage of.

Praising God. No matter the situation, Joy comes from loving and believing in a living God. I may not be able to change the circumstances but I can change how I react to them. "When you're up against a wall, and your mountain seems so tall, and you realize life's not always can run away and hide or you can change your circumstances with a prayer. When everything falls apart, praise His name. When you have a broken heart, just raise your hands and say, Lord you're all I need, you're everything to me. And He'll take the pain away. And when it seems you're all alone, praise your name. When you feel you cant go on, just raise your hands and say, Greater is He that is within me, you can praise the hurt away, if you just praise his name." WOW.

I will make better decisions. In every area of my life. Period.

I will find something to do every day to thank someone special in my life. Because there is nothing that feels better than getting an I love you, I appreciate you, or I thank you from someone you care about. For no other reason than they deserve to hear it.

I will continue to be fabulous. I will wear my high heels, I will wear my sassy accessories, I will take care of myself and be someone other people want to be around. I'm not saying this in a cocky way, I'm saying it in a confident way. I have spent too much time in 2009 worrying what other people think of me, how they perceive me. Not important. I have one person I have to answer to and if I live a life that pleases Him then I will live a life full of good people who will love me, care about me, allow me to help them, be a shoulder to cry on, someone to offer a laugh or a voice of encouragement and just be a really good friend.

I will pray everyday thanking God for the dreams HE has placed in my heart and the journey I am on as they are placed and revealed in my life.

I have learned one very important thing in 2009. You can't always change the hurt, painful or sad circumstances that happen to you and those you love. But the thing you can control is how you react and make yourself and others feel as they are going through the hard times. And celebrate the loudest when dreams come alive.

I'm choosing in 2010 to be the one cheering loudest. Starting now.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Closer than I think....

It's been a long time since I've had good dreams. Seems that I either didn't dream or had really bad nightmares. And my dreams are vivid, I remember every detail. Which isn't great when they aren't good. I've woken up more times than I care to remember crying.

BUT, however, hold up...

A few nights ago I woke up from a dream about a man that loved me more than I have ever experienced, I was more comfortable with him than anyone I've ever known and I just really knew we were meant to be together. We were on a vacation in San Fran, a place I've never been but feel like after my dream I could navigate my way around pretty well. My dream was that real. It wasn't just that I was with him, it was that I was on an amazing vacation, with him. I had just had a conversation with my mom that aside from my honeymoon over 3 years ago I haven't been on a vacation since probably childhood. And my dream was of Mr Heavensent who took me away.

Then the next night I had a dream and I got an amazing sales job. As I later desribed it to my mom, it was the NASA of sales job. Whatever that meant, in my dream is was a VERY big deal. And I was more successful than I have ever been.

Both my dreams were things that my heart is desiring more than I'd probably like to admit even to myself. But I woke up not with longing for something I want but more with a peace of things I will soon have.

I read something in a book today that was probably the single best thing that I've read in a long time. "I've found that sometimes God closes a door because I've been believing too small." Read it again. I've been beyond sad, frustrated and hurt because so many jobs, guys, opportunities that I knew weren't right for me but still hurt because I was wanting and ready for something passed me up...

A job, a mate, children, vacations....I've been wanting just anything. God has closed the doors on me accepting mediocrity. He is working in me and through me, to bring me to things so much bigger than I have allowed myself to believe I deserve or will have. But no longer.

And I'm also believing that I'm much closer to His favor than I have allowed myself to believe. He put the dreams in my heart and I'm closer than I think to the realization of that. I just needed to believe a little bit bigger. Because God is up to something. Bigger than me!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Whatever my lot, it has taught me to say....

It is well with my soul.

It's the holidays and I have more heartache than smiles but God's got it under control.

I can't see a kid without crying but God planted the desire in my heart for children and He's not a God who dangles carrots without a full dinner on the other end of the string.

I need something to fill my days and keep my mind busy, God is the author of love not confusion.

I have dreams that are bigger than me but God's up to something. Bigger than me.

Whether it's been a reciept of J's daycare, 2 years old I run across, a school bearing the same name he went to, a picture of an old friend in love, a dream that wakes me up with tears streaming down my face, sending my resume to a job that excites me or or hearing a song that makes me hyper aware that I'm not forgotten and my circumstances arent a surprise to God, He is the author of my story and He doesn't have hopes for my life, he has Plans for my life....good, bad or indifferent I've reached the emotional week of the month. Which has kind of melded into an emotional month with a sane week. But anyhow...

The tears aren't keeping me from enjoying my life, they are just reminders that I'm not exactly where I want to be. Yet. I'm not in a position where I will allow myself to become hard, or settle or wallow. SO that leaves me seeking, crying and living.

Whatever my lot, it has taught me to say, it is well, IT IS WELL, with my soul. If you see me crying in the wrapping paper aisle at Target feel free to take a roll and hit me in the head with that reminder. He never said it'd be easy, He just promised we'd never go alone. So thank you for being on this journey with me.

If you'll excuse me now, I have run out of kleenex!

My cup runneth over, but my plate is full....

Being home the past week has opened my eyes to many things. Some things I might have preferred to keep blinders on for but I guess that knowledge is power so it's better to go ahead and face up to how things really are. Even if it hurts.

I'm blessed beyond measure. I know that. I have my health, a family who is more precious than I deserve and friends who I adore.

I'm gaining a better appreciation for those who live in a real state of life with the heartaches, joys and frustrations that come with it. Life is hard but I'm blessed. Sometimes when you ask me how I'm doing I may tell you more than you wanted to hear. But I'm living my life on the assumption that people that choose to be in my life want to be there because they care about me as much as I care about them. If I'm having a bad day and missing Jonas and just cant stop crying, which as been the case more often than not lately, my answer to you probably won't be a bible verse about rainbows, butterflies and pollyanna. That doesn't mean I'm not a Christian. Doesn't mean that I'm looking negatively at my situation. Doesn't even mean that I'm a depressed person. It means that I value YOU enough to be honest with you when you inquire as to how I'm doing right now. Which is what I expect out of my friendships. 2 way honesty. Not pollyanna canned answers on how you should be feeling. A life made up of should' has never been a life I've been envious of.

My plate is full. Emotionally I'm tapped out. Some of you know why because we've talked about real life things. Others have no idea but an assumption that I can quite certainly tell you is way off. It's not a secret, what my lfe is comprised of right now, and it's a much different set of circumstances from even a few months ago. I'm just waiting for you to ask. And to answer my questions of "How are you doing right now" as well. That isn't an invitation into a rose colored glasses reality. It's an invitation to be my friend and let me know how you're feeling. I was married to a man that was only willing to be active in the good areas of life. I'm not willing to fill my life with those people any longer. I love to make people laugh. But I know as well as anyone how much it is appreciated when you let someone cry with you as well..

Whether your cup is running over with blessings, or your plate is full with life, or a mix of the two and you have things I can be praying about for you....I ask because I care enough to know. And my cup runneth over with enough real people who ask the same of me.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Home is where the memories are...

I have some really special friends. I appreciate each and every one of them. We're all at very pivotal points in our lives and I feel blessed to be part of so many amazing people's journeys.

I spent the day and evening with Whit yesterday. I'm missed that girl. What a difference a year makes. This time last year she was awaiting the arrival of baby number one. Now she's awaiting the arrival of baby number two (who was supposed to come last night while I was there but she appears to be stubborn) while she's being super mom to baby number one.

She and I have been through so much together and for that I am blessed and happy and emotional. Seeing her in this role as Mom is something that just makes me really appreciate her even more. She's been a great friend to me. That she's sharing this new part of her life with me makes me love her all the more. It's not that she's a Mom now and I'm not. I know that one day we'll be Moms together. It's more that she's willing to open herself up to me and be honest with this new role that she is of wife and mother. She tells me her stories and allows me to share my memories of when I was a Mom too.

Of everyone she probably saw me at my absolute best and absolute worst as far as emotional rollercoaster of the past 5 years. She knew me before I was a mom. She was friends with me while I was a mom. And now she's sharing herself and her experiences of being a mom with me. I love her for that.

For so long after I lost J I looked for him wherever I went. At times I'd have moments of panic because I thought I saw him or saw a little boy his age and just couldnt hardly stand it. Then he moved away and I went to KY.

He's living somewhere in Daytona with his new family now. Today as I was leaving Whit's I drove through a huge crowd of runners doing a 5k. There were adults, kids, families, all running. I saw some little boys and realized J could be in that group and I had that panic grasp me again. I forgot what it was like to worry about running into him, and would he remember me, would he run up to me and give me a hug, would he forgive me for not being in his life. Would he understand...

I don't know the answers to those questions. But I believe with all of my heart that one day I will see him again and he will run up to me and give me a hug, he will forgive me and I'll help him understand.

And until that day happens I'll thank God for my friends and family that help me get through those times, allow me to talk and cry and laugh and tell stories about my little boy and allow me to be Aunt Miss to their babies.

I love each of my friends for very different reasons. But right now I want to say, I love you Whit! You're an amazing Mom and I'm proud to be your friend and thank you for always, always, always being there for me to reminisce with and make new memories together! xoxo

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Hip place, great wine and flirty old men....

Last night went to a VIP restaurant opening with some friends. The restaurant was really nice, the wine was great, the food was amazing and the men were hot. It was really nice to be dressed up with my friends having a good time out.

This weekend my calander is booked. Going to see my long lost BFF before she has baby number 2, meeting another long lost friend for her bday dinner, watching UK beat UNC, going to a bonfire bday, SEC football watching party, Jags much to do, so many outfits to plan!

It's good to be home. I would have preferred to come home to an amazing career, with my handsome husband and beautiful kids decorating our home for Christmas and parties and gatherings and dinners...but as all of that is in my head I will have to wait for next year to do all that. And that's ok.

Because with all the hip places serving great wine and flirty old men chatting me up I'm confident one of them will be a CEO with a handsome grandson. Earmarked just for mwah!

Jealous of my faux life? You should be. Because before you know it you'll be finding yourself at one of my dinner parties! And you know this gal knows how to throw one heck of a fun dinner party! Keep 2010 open for all my celebrations parties. I am!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Fa la la la blah...

I'm trying hard not to get in a funk. It's not easy. Read an article today on that loneliness is more contagious than the flu. That's kinda scary as I'm a certified card carrying member of lonely right now.

I have really good friends. Ones who have literally been through me with life and death. I am so undeserving. I have an amazing family...they have been through more than any one person deserves to go through because of me, and yet they have loved me, encouraged me and prayed me through it.

I have been trying to plant new roots for a few years now. The ones I had planted with Jeff and Jonas and my house and my jobs, they were yanked from the core and it's been years of rebuilding, relearning and remembering....

I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Christmas has always been my very favorite holiday and I'm trying very hard to stay positive right now.

I'm reminded of a childhood song I learned in Sunday school...I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I was.

I keep thinking this is the week, the month, the year that my life is going to click, going to make sense, going to start....

Loneliness is contagious. I don't want to be a carrier of that. I heard a long time ago that if you can't be happy with yourself than you can't be happy with anyone else. I'm trying my best to be ok where I am, as I wait for God to lead me where I'm going. I feel lonely at times but God has sent enough real, true, loving friends to keep me going to where I need to be. So in the joy of Christmas spirit I'll end this will "Fa la la la la la la."

Home is where the rest of my shoes are...

So I'm back....

Got the phone call I was expecting Fri but not really the outcome I was expecting. He said that per my personality test I was geared completely for sales and they didnt have anything available in sales. (truth be told I dont think I'd have been a match for that kind of sales anyway.) And he didnt want to put me into a job that I would be miserable in and not make a career out of. Which I have to respect, I wish more people were that honest. But it still stung, rejection always does. And I got to the point where I wasn't just ok with moving to another city, state, even. But I was looking forward to a new start. Back to the meantime.

Thanksgiving was weird for a few reasons but it was nice to have most of the family together.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, coming home after being away for 3 months. Not sure if it's because it's Christmas time, which is usually my favorite time of the year or what. The past few years Christmas has been very different and this year I'm afraid it will continue to be.

People grow up and make decisions and choices that greatly affect you, others, themselves...and you can't change them. It's much harder when the people making those decisions are people you never expected to be capable of the kind of hurt they are causing. So we just have to do what we have been doing...continue to pray.

Christmas is a time of reflection, of family, of the birth of something that forever changed us. I may not be decorating my own house or having a big Christmas party or have all my family together but I'm a Christian and Christmas is more than that. This year without all the noise I'm going to pray for another miracle...something that will again, forever change us. For the best!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving, my hands are already swollen

Miller's ham, casseroles, dressing, pies, rolls....yum yum yum!

Liquid diet starts tomorrow.

AND, tomorrow I'm supposed to have a pretty important phone call that could really turn my life upside down....Or maybe right side up!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Stockholm Syndrom and white knuckled faith

I've been praying for quite a lot lately. And as forgotten as I feel sometimes, God seems to go out of His way to make me feel loved, my prayers acknowledged, my feelings validated and my weary heart restored with His promises. Today was one of those days.

I've prayed for change, I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage. As many things as He's brought me through over the years, I think, maybe, like the captives that feel connected and bound to the captor, I've done the same. I've spent the past few years trying to find my new self. I've just come to understand that I have found my new self but it was always attached to this is me post divorce, or post miscarriage, or post losing Jonas, or post job loss, or post total life upheaval.....and that's why I have felt so weighted down. Those are part of who I am but they don't define who I am. Anymore.

I have given money to a K Love when I'm in KY and the Promise when I'm in Jax as my tithe. Music heals, it heals me, and I feel that's a strong ministry. I got a phone call today and I never answer my phone. Ever. Especially from a number I don't recognize. And my phone is always on silent. But today, because I was waiting on a call from the Dr. I had the ringer turned on. At 530 it rang, I knew the Dr's office was closed but I answered it anyhow. It was K Love. I assumed they were calling to ask for a donation, I'd never gotten a call from them before. But the lady wanted to know if I had anything they could pray for. I gave her a few things that were heavy on my heart and then I threw in also to pray for a job for me.

Then my phone rang again and it was my dad. We talked recently about a job opportunity that may be available in Lexington and he had left a voicemail for the president of the company that bears the president guy's name. And because my dad is my dad, he got a call back. Mr President of Company had called my dad back and talked to him. Dad told him that I had had a few really bad years and basically needed someone to give me a break. And that my resume didn't match the opening they had but would he look at it. And he said of course. And gave my dad his cell phone number for me to text him when I emailed it. I have sent out countless of resumes over the past year. I haven't had a phone call, email, or smoke signal from anyone in months. This guy handed over his cell phone number for me to text him.

Will anything come of this? I don't know. But I know open doors when I see them and I can't deny that this was orchastrated by God. I don't know if this will turn into anything. I know that I sat at the computer crying and praying before I hit send because this job would mean moving to a city very far from my parents and friends and that for the past 20 years has been home. But I realized in that moment that it wasn't about a job in Ky. It wasn't about anything more than did I trust God enough to hit send. To completely and totally give control of my life to him. And for the first time in my life I can say that I have totally surrendered to Him. This isn't about employment. This is about faith.

And I hit send...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss

I have so much inside me and it just feels like if I start talking or crying I may never stop. Which isn't great news as tears are (still) streaming down my face. Satan is on the attack and it's literally coming at every direction. And I'm so tired of it. I wish I had more grace in moments like this but sometimes life just really hurts. Right now I'm in the midst of some great pain and mighty struggles.

Tonight at church they had a kid's choir sing and it was literally all I could do to keep from running out of that church. I have been missing J and praying for him more over the past few days than usual. Fri night I heard a song on the radio that he used to sing to me and I got sad but I listened to it and shared how he sang it to me with Megan and we laughed and sang it and I was ok. But then times like tonight I don't think I'll be able to stand the hole in my life that's missing from him not being here. Then I got in the car and on the radio was Steven Curtis Chapman's new song "Heaven is the Face." There's a line in it that "heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss." And it brought it all right back to me. Making him breakfast, saying his prayers with him, taking him to school so he could see his "girls," him telling me I was beautiful to him and he loved his Missy. Broke my heart. I miss my little boy.

I am struggling. I'm trying my best to be the faithful, loving, forgiving, compassionate, considerate person I was raised to be. Some days life just doesn't make sense. God's sending me reminders, I'm trying to look for them. Every day I'm working on it.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

heart on sleeve

My heart on my sleeve....sigh
I'm tired of judgemental people. Who's decision is it what car I drive? If I spend time in KY spending time with family and helping out with Nana if need be when I'm not working? Are you allowed to judge me because I don't have a job and you think I should? Because I am dating a guy you don't approve of? Because I online date? Let me answer those questions for you...No, you aren't! It's MY choice. MY decision. MY life. I appreciate everyone that plays a role in it from friend, to family to confidant. But life is hard enough without worrying about what other people think about my life and how I live it...IF you send out HUNDREDS of resumes and don't get a call then we'll talk. If you have an exhusband who screwed you up in the head then we can talk. If you have been single for more than a hot minute IN THE PAST FIVE years then we can talk about how hard it is to date. If you have dated someone who mistreated you but you still care for then we can talk. If you have left your home, your comfort zone, your friends and family to go somewhere you don't always feel yourself but have a heart to be there for those you love, then....we can talk. Otherwise, just be my friend. Tell me about your life when I ask. Tell me about the exciting things that have happened, the disappointments you've faced, the new perfume you found, show you can't get enough of or song you can't stop listening to.I'm doing the best I can. If you have a differing opinion how bout you talk to me about it before casting judgement. I will extend the same courtesy to you.NOW, tomorrow I am hoping that I will get to blog about something fun. Like shoes, or men or purses. That is something I'm pretty sure we can all agree on.I'm blogging to get it out of me so I don't become a bitter, unloving person. My heart is a perma fixture on my sleeve. And I'm ok with that. If you aren't, it's ok. I'll just blog about it tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

8 guys...blah

8 guys that I have dated over the past year or more have texted, emailed or called me. All this week. Only 2 knew or remembered it was my birthday. None know I'm out of town. All have me perplexed why they pop back up like groundhog's day back into my life. "Yep, still single, looks like she might be vulnerable, time to show my shadow!"

I'm done re-dating and recirculating guys I've already stopped dating for many different reasons. And much more grown up reasons than I used to use (man jewelry, mandals, nails too long, although these are all very valid reasons to end it.)

I'm putting myself out there. But for a new batch of men. Sooo K, thanks!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Happy bday to me, I shall now start lying about my age

So clearly music plays a huge role in my life. Certain songs just hit you where you need it and I heard this song on my way home tonight. I had kind of a 31 bday meltdown. But then I was overwhelmed with love and birthday wishes and some suprises that made my day. I heard from people I expected to that made me smile and laugh and heard from some others that made me cry. I was just really shown today how much I have to be thankful for.

I'm blessed. I'm so very thankful for the people in my life who hold me accountable, who pray for me, who encourage and love me. Thank you all for making my birthday so special. And as a dear friend told me, I'll put on my highest heels, dangliest earrings and be ready set go for this brand new year ahead of me!

Mark Shultz "He will carry me"

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will Ever need
And He will carry me

I know
I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through The storm

-And with that I'm going to bed! Goodnight all, this 26 year old is tired!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Always...Building 429

I was standing in the pour raining
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face
What was I supposed to say

But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He's barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way

'Cuz I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend I don't know where you are
And I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy
If there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got
And you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

Cuz I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remainsA
lways, AlwaysHe will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you

Something Heavenly Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't seebut
I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenlyIt's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Looking in the mirror

I watch the Biggest Loser. I've always kind of found someone I relate most to in their struggle for self acceptance, overcoming excuses or just their struggle to better themself. There is a contestant this year that was hard to watch because her struggle was much more personal. She lost her family...

They were lost in a wreck because someone careless made a very selfish decision that took their lives. Her entire world was lost in a moment. My life changed because someone very selfish made a decision that I had no control over as well.

I've often felt so alone in my struggle because no one could vocalize the pain and emptiness I was feeling. Watching her story unfold over the course of the last few weeks and to hear her talking through the pain in order to heal was heartbreaking for anyone watching I'm sure. I couldn't watch it, I've lived it, I was watching a total stranger vocalize my pain, my sadness and my emptyiness. It was harder than I imagined it would be.

Her circumstances for her loss we more dramatic and tragic than mine but I understood when she said she lost her whole life that day that the light in her eyes died and she wasn't sure what she wanted, how to live, how to open her heart to love again. When you lose your entire world in an instance your world freezes in that moment.

I remember the last night I saw J, he was at Mom and Dad's. He was angry with me because he didn't understand what was happening and why I no longer lived with him and Daddy. He lashed out at me, I tried talking to him but he was too upset with me to listen. I saw the confusion on his little face and the hurt in his eyes. I told him that I loved him and went home. My Mom talked to him and explained why I could no longer be in his life like I used to and after they talked he called me and told me he loved me and goodnight. I didn't know I wouldn't get to hold him or talk to him again.

The light has been out of my eyes. It's been out of my heart. I had to heal. From the inside out. It helped seeing her fight to get her life back. For her parents to get their daughter back and for her friends to have the person they loved shining again. She said when she got sent home that for the first time in 2.5 years she was soaring again.

From one broken hearted mother to another. I saw her struggle, I understood her pain and I rejoiced in her ability to believe, trust and fly again.

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know and you're about to step off into the darkness, faith is believing one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you'll find your wings to fly."

I'm living proof of that...the floor fell out of my life but my wings are now strong enough to carry me. I just have to continue to let myself soar.

I'm still a Mom....

It's 430am and I cant sleep. Been a long time since I've had insomnia. Have a lot on my mind I guess and a few things I need to get off my chest.

I'm still a mother. I don't have J in my life right now but that doesn't negate that fact that for 5 years I did. People that don't understand that used to hurt my feelings. Then I gave them the benefit of the doubt that they just didn't understand. Now I think I'm just done making excuses. If you have had the blessing of being a Mom to a child, or in my case, a Missy, that doesn't change because the circumstances may. Because J is a thriving little boy doesn't make my grief any less. Sometimes I feel like it makes it more somehow. Because the little boy I put my heart and soul into raising and loving and molded, he's out there. He's just not in my life. He's constantly in my thoughts and prayers and my heart but I can't hold him. I dont know what he's learning, I don't know how he's doing. I would do anything to have one of his hugs right now.

He's a brother. I think it's unfair that he's a big brother. It's my own selfishness but it hits me at the strangest times that he would have been a big brother to my baby. For whatever reason, it wasn't in God's will for my baby to make it. I've lost 2 kids, sometimes I don't think my heart will ever heal. Maybe because it's Halloween and I have such good memories of him dressing up and enjoying life that it's so raw right now. I miss him more everyday.

Spending time with someone who cries with you because they know your heart and your pain is like a big hug. And right now I think it's the closest thing to a hug I could take. Because if someone really wrapped me in their arms right now I think I'd break.

I have to give myself a break. It's only been a year. And with the holidays around the corner it makes me raw.

I have good people in my life. Some understand the choices I've made, others dont because they don't care to. It's easier to judge someone than open your heart to care enough to try to understand what a struggle it is everyday to keep it together. I'm blessed because I have enough people in my life that encourage me, pray for me, and lift me up with words that have been laid on their heart to try to ease the hurt. I am thankful for each of them.

I feel lost right now. I miss my life. I miss the stability of knowing that I could take care of myself. I've had to learn that taking care of yourself isn't tied to your job, or finances, or spouse. It's caring enough to keep going when you don't feel like you can. It's forgiving people who let you down. It's forgiving yourself when you let yourself down as well.

I'm moving on. Everday I'm moving on. It took someone really special to me tonight to love me enough to tell me it's ok to grieve. It's ok to hurt. I lost a lot. People may get tired of my saga but I'm done apologizing. Because I'm trying to be the best I can. God is the potter and I am the clay. It's a painful process to be molded but it's reassuring to know that He has the best for me. And for whatever reason I'm in the place I am, greater is to come. Greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world.

I miss J. He's the best thing I was ever part of and I'm proud of my little boy. I'm proud of the mom I was and I'm looking forward to the day when I will be a Mom once again. God's timing is perfect. I'm reminding myself of that promise everyday!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Kutless, my new BFF

I have been super emotional the past few days. Crying at the drop of a hat, the mention of a name or a glimpse of a memory before I can shut it out. I'm always emotional, I like that about me and don't apologize for it. But I get tired of crying to. I believe the tears are coming from a place that needs continued healing.

God's moving me. And he's moving in me. I posted a video of a song that reaches right into my heart and brings me some peace.

One of my favorite lines..."It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard, Impossible is not a word, It’s just a reason for someone not to try. Everybody’s scared to death, When they decide to take that step, Out on the water. It’ll be alright, Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing, You will find your way, If you keep believing...Broken hearts become brand new, that's what faith can do."

Amazing song with a gentle reminder. Everyone falls, you just have to have the strength to rise.
I'm rising. A little more each day!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Promise of a lifetime

I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now and honestly not sure how to find an outlet to get me sain, skinnier, and not CONTSTANTLY on edge!

I dont belong here but I'm happy to have the extra time with Nana. I'm homesick for my family and friends. I guess I've just been waiting for God to lead me somewhere. Right now I've taken up (semi) permanent residence in the "mean time."

Max Lucado wrote in a book of his something to the effect of whatever you put your time, energy and thoughs into that becomes your giant. I forgot that briefly. Well I'm being gerenous. Haven't thought about that in too long. The point is my focus needs a shakeup. Focusing on my weight makes my outer being more significant than who I've become on the inside. Focusing on where God is leading me and needing me in the future takes away from focusing on who I can minister to, or be a friend to now.

Kutless "Promise of a Lifetime"

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change I still remember the pledge you made to me

[BRIDGE:]I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted

Friday, October 23, 2009

Got my hair did

BY ME!! I've cut, colored and played with everyone else's hair. And screwed my own up quite a bit with cheap hair color but tonight I did it! And it looks beautiful. I pulled it through the cap, mixed the junk myself and then deep conditioned after I took the color off. And learned that it hurts 1/10 less when you do it yourself than when you let your mom, err, someone else do it.

Made me think of a funny story. I was highlighting Whit's hair a few years ago and David, not Whitney, David was really concerned with whether I knew what I was doing or not. I tend to make a lot of noises when I'm taking the foils out (hmm, ummm, wow, uhhh...) and that doesn't really lend itself to instilling confidence in my "clients." But I finished the color and David, as well as Whit were quite pleased. Then she decided she wanted long bangs. There may have been a glass of wine involved but I'm pretty sure she was just skittish....

I've never been trained on how to do anything it's just kind of in my blood. When I color my hands turn all sorts of colors and when I cut my fingers have all sorts of cuts. Well Whitney was sitting on a stool and I was trimming away at her long bangs and the scissors may have slipped for a second out of my control and gone right up her nose! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Never seen a girl jump so HIGH, BACKWARDS before in my life.

But she looked beautiful as always and the only scars are on my knuckles.

Moral of the story, I like to do hair, my best friend is fast on her feet and drinking wine while doing hair makes it look better!!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

God Bless the Broken Road

This song used to mean something a lot different to me than it means to me now. I haven't heard it in quite a long time but I heard it tonight. At a Karaoke contest of all places. And it was all I could do to not break down.

I have no idea where I am right now, or why I'm here. Other than this is the place God has me to be. I would rather be a million different places but I'm not. I'm here.

I had a pity party today. Why am I still here, when will something happen, I feel worthless, I feel un-needed, I feel disposable, alone, sad, frustrated blah blah blah.

Then I got an email from my aunt telling me about being in the "mean time." And if you are waiting on a "thing" to renew you it drains you. But if you wait on the Lord he renews your strength...

As I was reading her encouraging email and crying I got an emailed devotion from Max Lucado. Who, at times over the past few years, I feel was writing a good portion of his books with the invisible start of "Dear Melissa..." That man has an amazingly simple way of smacking you in the face with God's love and truth. Tonight I was told through his devotion "When You are Low on Hope..." (told ya, smacked right across the face) The thing that struck me the most was this...

"Hope doesn’t promise an instant solution but rather the possibility of an eventual one"
I have more questions than answers right now. I have more tears than smiles sometimes. And I have more frustration than joy occasionally. I've wondered why I'm here but I've never questioned where I'm going. I've cried because of the loneliness and pain but I've always been comforted by His promises. And I've been in the "mean time" a lot longer than I ever anticipated but I've had enough butterfly moments to keep me moving forward.
Tonight I had to laugh because it wasn't but a moment after I felt like breaking that He sent me encouragement. It wasn't an instant solution but the promise of an eventual one has given me what I need to stay on this broken road that's continuously leading me straight to Him..

Smelly cat, smelly cat

I have serious man voice. Beginning to think I may be allergic to KY. Have had either allergy, sinus or some other nusance since I've been here.

It's putting a damper on my marathon training. Ok, really only a 5K training, but you have to start somewhere. The distance I could run months ago is a thing of the past. I struggled for every step then anyway. I am not a graceful runner. I'm the person you make fun of in your car. I need to be held to running at night only.

And 3 people died running the Detroit half marathon last weekend. Healthy men. Runners. Who trained for this. Just all died at about the same point in the race. Really sad. And makes me second guess this running thing.

My goal for my 31st bday is to run the Gate River Run. It's in March. I can do it. But I have to actually jog and not just talk about it. Everyday. Right now I have jogged at least 9 miles in my head.

I'm going to put my running shoes on and hit the treadmill and see how far it actually takes me when I put one foot in front of the other in real life. I mean, it's a treadmill, I'll get nowhere really fast. But in terms of gaining endurance I'm hoping to be well on my way to runner's world in no time.

And hopefully nothing bad happens to me. That would really suck to finally set a goal and work towards it only to have something tragic happen. Pulled muscle, torn something or other or God forbid, death. I have never had to weigh the options of life or death with shopping. For years it's how I got my cardio and I have turned out fine. Well maybe not in great shape but my calves are to die for.

Here goes nothing. From couch potatoe to runner in 5 weeks. I've done it before we'll see if I can do it again.

If you're looking for me I'll be on the treadmill. Or sitting beside the treadmill looking at bagstealorborrow. Either one gets my heart rate up!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Me, Myself and I

I've been trying to implement some changes for some time now. And everytime I decide this is it, really going to do it this time, no more excuses...something comes up.

I was watching Biggest Loser tonight and had kind of another light bulb moment. So many of them have trouble doing it at home because they don't believe in themselves enough to make the changes they have to make, or either make them for a hot minute but can't stick with them. They need someone yelling in their face. Bob telling them to keep going or Jillian to call them out on not giving their best.

I went from being married, to being on my own in a really bad state of mind, to going to my parents house. I went from being told and shown I wasn't good enough to being told and shown I was good enough. From conditional love to unconditional love. It was a confusing dialogue inside myself because I didn't really believe either.

I've been dependent on others to affect my life both negatively and/or positively. I've been scared. Holding myself back. The first person to tell myself I'm not strong enough to do what I want to do because of my past failures. I can talk about it. I can dream about it but to actually take the first step to make the change has been something I haven't been able to do. It's not Jillian or Bob or Mom or Dad or Nana I need in my face telling me I'm good enough and to keep pushing with my best. It's that voice I'm finding inside myself that needs to speak up so I can do what's best for me. My Mom, Dad, Nana and other countless people will cheer with me. But it's me who has to have the strength to take that first step.

And I'm going to do it. For no one else but me!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Mirror mirror on the wall

The people closest to you can make you feel the best and the worst about yourself. Friends, family, spouses, whoever you allow to get close know best how to make you smile and what to say to make you cry.

I'm not sure how other people talk to themselves but I have a pretty honest dialogue going on in my head about who I am, what I do, how I act, what I feel. That voice wasn't always mine. It's taken me the better part of a few years to weed through the voices in the crowd of my ex husband, ex boyfriends, friends, family, employers, clients...anyone who's ever had a negative opinion of me is who I heard the loudest it seems.

For a long time the truth was drowned out by the shouts of "you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough, you should have tried harder, you should have moved on faster, you should be further along than you are, you shoulnd't have trusted him, believed her, you'll never be happy again" nauseum.

I listen to the voices. All of them. And I question each thing that's said to me. Do I have a victim mentality? Maybe. But I don't think so. When bad things happen to you they become part of your history. I haven't stopped living because of my past. It has changed me. Quite alot. But I haven't stopped trying. Am I good enough? I am. I've been stripped of all the "things" I thought for a long time accounted for me being enough. It wasn't my house, my fancy car, designer handbags, or realtor income. I don't have any of that now (well my purse collection but it's my current 401K so I'm keeping it around) but I feel more me than I have in a long time. I don't think I wasn't a good person when I had all that but I know now that I am who I am independent of those things.

I've come to understand that those who judge do it because they aren't happy in their own lives. And those who tell you how you should be, act or live rarely have a life I'm envious of. A lot of times they are hiding. Paralyzed because they didn't get the raise or the man or the job or the right hair cut. I may still cry more days than I don't but I continue to get out of bed. I may talk about the past more than I should according to other people but I do it as a reference to see how far I've come.

I've come to view my "past" as a medal of honor. I was hurt because I allowed myself to love. I have failed because I've allowed myself to push beyond my comfort zone. Sometimes I succeeded, other times I haven't. But I havent stopped trying. And sometimes I'm sad because I know what it means to be a wife, mother, employee, homeowner...And just because I'm not those things right now no longer define me. Because I have hope. I know the joy of being what I was. And I have the desire in my heart to continue to work to be those once again.

When I look in the mirror I used to see what everyone else told me I was. Now I'm choosing to look in the mirror and see the beauty of who I've allowed myself to become.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

My works are safe!

So on the assumption that one day I will be famous and my blogs will turn into my yellow brick road to the best seller list, I have a copywrite on my blog. Yes, I am legit and quite important.

I'm like Carrie Bradshaw. Only a lot less fabulous, with a much less amazing shoe collection, but a nice mix of my own Boy Next Door, Cowboy, Munson and Roloff's to her Mr Big. And of course wonderful girlfriends to laugh, cry and overanalyze life with over countless cocktails. (and better hair if we're being honest)

Sometime, somewhere, I will see you at my book signing.

I'm saying it as though it is so! Well, because it will be!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

To be continued...

So 3 years ago today I got married. I went to a wedding this weekend (well I crashed a wedding this weekend but that's for another post) and I guess maybe it's the first wedding I've been to since my own that affected me.

Looking back on my wedding I am filled with happiness and joy, which doesn't make much sense I know. But in that moment, the man I married was the man I loved and I believe he loved me. And I think it has to mean something, the way I planned to walk down the aisle and how it actually happened.

My wedding was in a beautiful, Spanish like setting. I walked out a brick paved walkway to the top of a 2 levels of stone stairs and looked down on the sea of faces of people who loved and cared about me. I walked myself down to the 1st landing and my dad, standing at the bottom of the stairs, came to meet me. The plan was that he would walk me down the aisle to the place my mom was and her and my dad would give me away. As a symbol of them both walking with me through my life I suppose. More so because I love them both and wanted them beside me in that all important moment of handing me off to another person. That happened. But when dad walked up those stairs to get me, a little boy came running up from his place as bestman beside his daddy to walk me down the aisle with my dad. So with tears streaming down my face I walked to the man I was to marry with the man who had always loved me and a little boy who called me his Missy.

Everything from the ceremony to the reception to the wedding night was perfectly scripted. It was more than I dreamed as a little girl. It didn't have the ending I anticipated but the ending doesn't take away from the beautiful story that was that day.

And so with all that...tonight when I realized what day it was, I wasn't filled with sadness. I was filled with peace. Because up until a point, and I'm not even sure when that point was, I always remembered that story with a "The End." But now I feel like I've finally changed it to "To be continued..." And I'm excited to write that book...

Betty Homemaker

It's cold here. Beyond the cold I'm used to or can tolerate. I thought the "blood thinning out" thing was just something people in FL said any time they went someplace cold. Turns out it's true. And turns out when it turns cold I turn into Betty Homemaker.

It started with a pig lickin cake. Then I made 2 big pans of lasagna. And after that because apparently the 2 former weren't enough, I made pumpkin cookies. But that kind of didn't really turn out so I ended up with 2 dozen cookies and 2 pumpkin loaves.

I'm like Izzie on Grey's Anatomy I think. She baked after Denny died. I think I'm baking my stress away. Which is probably a really bad idea since it's counterproductive to my "Big Fat Food Elephant" revelation.

SoI guess if you find me in a big fluffy pink prom dress, smack me back into reality! And make sure you wipe the frosting off my face!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

High heels and motivation

Tonight what I want to write about certainly isn't something I can share with the world. The downside of a paperless journal connected to the www. Annoying. Tried talking to Coach but she's kind of the short bus of dog personalities and I never really have been a confide in your dog type person. And I guess technically she isn't even really my dog anymore. I digress.

I suppose I will talk about the weather. It's cold here. Lows in 30's, highs in 50's. I didn't pack for this weather. I packed for 2 weeks in August and here I find myself in KY, in the cold, without my pashmina's, sweaters, fall purses...I do have 8 pairs of high heels and some really hot accessories that will have to do.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to implement some changes. There's something very invigorating about the cold weather, which I hope will translate into supernatural motivation. I'll wear my high heels, that always helps!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Cousins, there were never such devoted cousins...

So I'm spending time with my cousin who was my other half growing up. And her 11 year older daughter who is her spitting image. Which really takes me back. Her boyfriend has been playing acoustic guitar and I've been singing right along with him. Takes me back to a lot of really good memories.

We have both been through some really trying times in our lives and she is such a strong person it makes me proud to be around her. We grew up close as can be. We had our lives planned out and played grown up when we were little girls at Grandma and Popsy's. Neither of our lives have turned out as we used to "play." But our lives have given us many great stories to laugh, cry and reflect on.

And, because we are such rebels, tomorrow we are crashing our long lost cousins wedding. We've spent more time apart than we have together but the bond we forged at kids has proven to be a very strong bond. There's nothing like family to remind you where you have come from and remind you of who you dreamed to be as a kid. And it's really nice to see that we are both working very hard to be the woman we dreamed of being so long ago.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dry spell

I havent been on a date in over a month. That's a record for me. I'm in a small town and don't have much social interaction outside of my family. Where the heck do you meet someone in a place like this? Makes me appreciate the big pond of fish in Jacksonville. Even if I have dated more than less of them.

And I miss my car. Tooling around in a mini van has been fun for about hot minute.

I still have my high heels and big jewelry so I'll continue to rock those and hope I dont lose too much of my sass here in the blue grass state.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Hello Elephant, I'm Melissa....

Skittles. Red skittles. Not sure why but I can't stop thinking about them. If I'm being honest I cant stop eating them. I know in the economic times we're having and the fact that I'm not gainfully employed or married or blah blah blah, I should be concerned with something more relevant! I know. I'm self aware. I've never had a problem with that. I can point out all my downfalls. In alphebetical order if you'd like. However, that gets me nowhere but face first crying into a bag of skittles. Clearly counterproductive.

I have lived my life mostly in the" if I want it I have it" category. We could subcategorize the many areas I lack willpower but for the sake of not wanting to lay all my skeletons out I'm going to stick with the one I'm ready to let go of. I"m going with the theory of introduce yourself to the elephant in the room and then move on.

Here goes. Hi Big Fat Food Elephant that wont leave me alone. You are now dismissed.

So, I have acknowledged I don't have willpower. Expressed my desire to have it and now I will act on it. Edamame for chips, hummus for dip, sugar free jello for ice cream. Ice chips for skittles?

I've never really reacted well to being told I cant do or have or be something. So to tell myself I cant have sugar or carbs or wine is a sure bet you will find me in the candy aisle with a big bottle of Red and a french baguette. I'm going to say I can have whatever I want. But I also have a goal of being in a certain pair of jeans by my birthday. Which leaves me less than a month to be acting with this new thing, willpower.

Don't worry, I work best under pressure. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

One phone call from our knees....

Soo....I'm going to attempt not to make this an over analytical blog, but, who are we kidding. I'm writing it. I always process things better on paper and in an attempt to "go green" I'm going paperless. This is my new journal. Welcome to my thoughts, please don't judge.

I heard a song that says "I guess we're all one phone call from our knees" and it made me think. Kind of a lot. We've all had that call, maybe quite a few of them. I've had that call(s). That brought me to my knees. But the more I thought about it the more it made me think.

The name of the song with that line is "Closer to Love." Did the phone call pull me closer to love? Did I let it? Am I allowing myself to stay in the mindset of I'm just... One phone call from my knees, one interview from a job, one date from Mr Right, one workout from wanting to do it everyday, one bad decision from changing, one good decision from changing, one baby from feeling less empty, one baby from feeling closer to some friends I've drifted from, one "something" from being happy?....

Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to good people. I've been pulled to my knees from devastating news. I'm better when I'm already on my knees when the phone call comes....thanking God, praising Him and seeking His will. Because then, no matter what the circumstance, I'm already being pulled "Closer to Love." And that's never a bad place to be.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Blogging from the Bluegrass

This is for you Kristen. You asked for it.

I'm in KY for an extended visit. It's always interesting coming home and seeing where you fit in. This trip has been crazy to say the least.

I've never blogged before. I journal, I guess maybe it's the same thing. If I allowed whoever wanted to, to read my innermost thoughts and feelings.

I have been saying I wanted to write a book, I guess this will be a good test?!

Stay tuned, let's see where this road takes us...