Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Oh baby

Been awhile since my last post. I realize how important it is for me to get what I'm feeling on the inside, out. Otherwise it recirculates in my mind and I've made progress but I'm still quite neurotic.

I'm doing the 30 days of Thanks for the month of November. A lot of my thanks are redundant but it's because it's so real. My love for Jason. Grace. Forgiveness. Healing. I've come a long way over the past few years. Still got some room for improvement. Stepkids, husband, job, family, friends. It's a constant juggle. It's getting (somewhat) easier.

I still struggle with resentment. It's hard to go through what I went through with so much judgement. Even if it was delivered with kindness it was still judgement. I didn't move on fast enough for some people. I was sad too long for others. For some I just needed to get over it so I could move on. They didnt realize I had to get through it, to get over it, to heal, to move on. It's a process. I don't expect a lot of people to understand but it also still hurts that people judged how I handled my loss.

I see facebook posts daily of people who have kids. So thankful for their kids. Can't get enough of their kids. Rightfully so. Kids are an amazing addition to your family and it's a love you can't describe. I wonder if their kids were suddenly taken from their life if they'd be able to still smile. Move on. Get over it. Just wait to have more kids...cause that'll take the pain away. Actually, it kind of doesn't. I miss J all the time. Since the last day I saw him I've missed him. I love the kids I have in my life now. I enjoy going to their schools, festivals, games, dances. I love shopping for their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, slumber parties. I love doing crafts with them, baking with them. I am happy. It doesn't erase the hole in my heart for him. He's playing soccer. He's in 3rd grade. He's out there. Somewhere. He's not the little boy I last saw. He's a little man. I appreciate that we move on. But time healing all wounds isn't accurate. Sometimes it's easier than others but I will never stop loving, praying and caring for that special lil guy I had for 4 years. I read that scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Righfully so. If you go through the pain, you should be rewarded somehow.

Someone in my life likes to tell me that I don't have my own kids so I don't know how to mother. It's a dig made to hurt. And it does. Even though it's not true, it still hurts. I didn't give birth to J, but I loved him with every part of who I am. I didn't give birth to K, A and L but it doesnt stop me from loving them with all my heart. Even though I miss J more everyday, it doesnt stop me from loving them. From trying to show them how to love deeper, more. How to believe, trust and serve God. How to show love, respect and compassion to themselves and others. I don't have my own kids. But I believe I was picked by God to raise the 4 that have been placed in my life. I'm not trying to be their mom. They have one. I'm trying to be the best Missy I can to them.

With that being said, Jason and I are trying to have a bundle of joy of our own. A kid that will come out smiling a big smile that both mommy and daddy have. Hopefully with his sense of humor, my wit, our love, sense of family and belief in a God who loves us more than we can imagine. I thought I've been tested before in patience. Nothing like this. Wanting something to badly with someone I love so deeply is humbling. Because this is 100% in God's timing. And I believe. Even when I get sad, frustrated, impatient, have issues with ovulation kits (WHOLE other blog)

I know beyond any shadow of doubt, that I will have that wonderful man's baby. God has not shown me how to love as a mother, how to pray with a mother's heart, how to love with the love of a mother, to not have that. I trust. I believe. I know. I have been a Missy to a very special boy. I am a Melissa to 3 very special kids. I excitedly wait for the day I get to be someones Mama.

I'm blessed, I'm excited and I'm so in love with my husband I'm about to burst!