Tuesday, August 6, 2013

My Nana, My Boys, and a to do list for God

My mind has been in a thousand different places over the past several weeks. My Nana has been going downhill since she left us while I was in the hospital in Dec. then over the past month she's decided that she is ready to get to her eternal home. Good for her, hard for us. We came in expecting to be here a few days before she passed. 

3 weeks ago.  Hospice Drs and Nurses are saying they've never really seen anything like it. She's been off all her meds for 3 weeks and she's not been having any of the bad side effects we were preparing for.  Instead, we have 1 lady, ready to get to heaven to see her husband, to hold Tucker and Fletcher who has been going nowhere, fast.  She has always taught me to be patient and trusting in God's timing, this has been her final lesson in that.  Surrounded by her family, watching her in grace and beauty, praise God thru the longest wait of her life. 

I didn't know if I was healed enough emotionally to face this. This has been a roller coaster of emotions that I wasn't prepared to face twice in the same year. But watching her, praying with her, singing with her, laughing and crying with her has healed part of my heart and has certainly given me the closure I was never able to find with my boys. 

Missing them hit me out of left field today. Knocked me to my knees and took it out of me for the better part of my day. I have lost grandparents and as painful as it is, I have so many beautiful,  wonderful memories to get me thru the hard times.  

I have nothing to help me through this pain. Except to feel it. Except to cry through it. Except to trust that God is still somehow working thru this empty pain, this deep longing for my sons, this time of grief we are in. 

My heart is breaking. The parts that were healing are breaking in different ways now for this impending loss off beautiful Nana. My Nana who taught me to love. Taught me to forgive. Taught me the value of hard work and the value of being honest. That its ok to stand up for what is right and to fight for what you deserve. That even when your heart breaks over so many miscarriages and baby losses, you can heal enough to have a beautiful family. That after a debilitating stroke, you can become strong in other ways. 

I can't imagine my days without Nana in them. Our daily phone calls. Her encouragement in everything I do. Her quiet assurance that God will never bring me to something if He's not going to bring me thru it. 

I know when God calls her home that she will be greeted by her husband of so many years and my boys. The best of me
will be together. 

Life is hard. Sometimes harder than I think I can handle. But then I look at my Nana, who is fighting this battle with grace and peace and I will do what I've always done. I'll take what she has shown me thru her life and I'll do with it the best I can.

She has specific instructions to talk to God soon as she gets up there to talk to him about my babies that will make there way to me when the time is right.  She said something about a blonde, curly headed little girl. We'll see how much pull Nana has with the big man upstairs. 

I'll be losing my best friend but my boys wil be getting their Nana, who tonight, when I told her I couldn't wait for her to see them, got the biggest smile on her face as tears streamed down mine. 

She's ready to go. I pray God keeps her in His care until she makes it home. 

Love you Nana, you are the best I know! 

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