Thursday, April 3, 2014

Full fledged temper tantrum

"I'm strong enough, I'm good enough, I'm funny, and gosh darn it, people like me." 


"I'm spoiled, I'm selfish, I'm nothing, I'm pathetic, please somebody won't you love me?" 

Ebbs and flows of this fun ride called life. 

I am happy, I have joy, God has given me a really strong peace with who I am.

Then Satan comes knocking by the way of a door too close to my heart. He throws out things like I'm selfish, I'm spoiled, I'm nothing more than seeking attention, I'm fake and a phony. 

Is it true?  How do you know?  

I've been praying for some really heavy things here lately. Things I never expected to be going thru, I'm facing. So I've prayed that God would open my eyes to what is true, that He would reveal to me what needs changed in my heart.  

And then the noise starts. 

My life isnt all rainbows and butterflies shooting out my butt. I have so many great, exciting things happening and then I have a whole nother side of life that is crumbling.  

So what do I do?  I can't change what's falling apart all I can do is pray for guidance, direction, healing and strength.  I can hold on to the joy and peace that God continues to give me in this storm. 

But I carry so much guilt. I have so many people I love and so many are hurting and I feel like the cause is me. 

Is that Satan or is that true? 

I've been called a fake and phony. That I'm not as religious as I put out there.  That sucks because frankly it's not true. I've been focusing on all I so have in a effort not to lose it over the things I don't have. And God is filling me up. 

But this daily walk with Christ isn't always easy.  There are things that test our faith, there are things my heart is completely broken over that I have to trust God will see thru to completion.  

I don't want to be a lukewarm Christian who only prays when times get tough and only gives praise when great things happen. 

That I'm able to sit here now, tears streaming down my face, more confused and broken than I've been in awhile, it's the peace of God filling me. It's the people I trust reminding me that God is working. And to let Him. 

I'm not a quitter. I'm pretty stubborn.  I try to see the best in people and I try to give my best to others. Some days are easier than others. 

My heart is heavy but God can help me carry this load.  My mind is swimming with questions and trying to find the truth in the noise is exhausting. 

But God hasn't left me. God has big plans for this girl. I know He does. I'm living them. So when storms come, when I'm dodging boulders and defending who I know I am, it's easy to want to take the fastest way out. And Satan is standing there with a big EXIT HERE sign. But I'm not taking the bait. 

I don't know what God is doing but I know He's working in me.  I'm confident of that.  

And if he can use a total and complete hot mess like myself, trust that He can work in you too. 

I won't give up, I won't quit. I won't stop believing that I'm where I need to be and I'll be here until God tells me to move. Right now he's told me to be still. So I'm being still. 

I guess what this is is a full fledged temper tantrum of faith. White knuckled, crying out kinda faith. I believe, I really do, that He wants the best for me.  

I won't quit, I won't stop and I won't fail. I have too many people praying me along, loving me and encouraging me for me to end up anywhere other than exactly where God is taking me!  

I'm blessed that even in the midst of laying on the ground, crying, beating my hands and fists in an impressive temper tantrum, God loves me still 

That's a special kind of love right there! 

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