Tuesday, June 28, 2011

From where I stand...

Tonight I saw a beautiful rainbow. I'm not a beautiful rainbow person right now. I've been more of a curse the rain kind of gal lately. But this one was literally right outside my office window at the end of a very long, frustrating day. It looked close enough to touch. It was beautiful. Came right after a fierce 5 minute storm. Hmm...

A year. One year ago my life was so completely different. Everyday I am thankful for where I am now. One year ago if you would have told me that I would be settled into a job I love, married to a man who is one of the best men I've ever known, living in a home with all my stuff, planning my future with my husband, I would have laughed in your face. Really, in your face.

A moment. I know how fast things can change. A sweet, kind woman I met years ago when we worked for the same company was killed in a car wreck a week ago. She was on her way to work. She left behind a husband, children, grandchildren. She didn't do anything wrong. Someone else did. She was t boned because someone else ran a red light. So many people's lives changed in a moment. A single moment that no one can take back.

A stress. Some things I still can't let go of. Going through the past 4 years has made me grow in a lot of ways. It's also exacerbated some bad qualities. Namely, OCD and Control Freakitis. I know, shocking on both accounts. Letting go of the control is still a white knuckled effort. Daily. I pray about this. I'm trying.

A worry. Jason and I are planning for our future. While living our lives day to day. I'm still learning that. How to live in the now while planning for the tomorrows. It's not easy. I'm a planner. Drives him crazy. Me too if I'm being honest. We have some big things coming up and I know that God has a plan. The last year of mine and Jason's life is a big, fat, flashing, neon sign of "I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU, TRUST ME!" Not sure why this is so hard to remember. Nothing is a surprise to God. Control freak needs to let go and let God. Still. Always.

A hurt. Some people just don't get it. They will always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Some people just don't care. Some are going through their own things and don't have much left to pay attention to much else. I am learning, slowly, that I can't change people. I can't make people do better, be better, act better or care more. I can pray for them. I can be the person I wish them to be. The burden doesnt fall on me to keep it together for everyone. The burden doesnt fall in my lap to make sure that everyone else is ok. I have a skewed vision of where compassion and care turns into people pleasing and fixer. I'm a work in progress.

What's the point of this? Today as I was planning for my tomorrows, upset with answers people were giving me, crying because of disappointing news I got, beating my head against the wall because of frustrations, wondering how in the world things will work themselves out when to me they just seem to be a big mess that wont add up no matter how much I control them and want them too...

I saw a double rainbow. From my window I saw this beautiful rainbow that seemed close enough to touch that was pretty but quite honestly, kind of lost on me. As I got in my car and was driving home, with nothing but trees on either side of me and a road in front of me I saw the biggest rainbow I've ever seen. And right above it I saw another one.

From my perspective things are confusing. I have a beautiful husband and job and house and family and kids I adore. But things are scary and frustrating and confusing and and and and....Until I get rid of the clutter and see from God's perspective that he has it all under control. After a 5 minute fierce storm he sent me a rainbow. And when I failed to see the lesson in one, he sent me 2.

From where I stand I'll never understand everything I want to. But I'm not meant to. It's when I'm on my knees in prayer that I have a more clear picture than I ever could have on my own 2 feet.

From where I stand, I know, somewhere there is the big, fat, flashing, neon sign that shouts "I HAVE A PLAN, TRUST ME...."

I'm blessed. More and more everyday!

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