Had a bad day. Despite my darndest to be positive and optimistic and encouraged, I still spent a better part of the day crying. While at work. Always fun trying to look professional with mascara lines ala Tammy Faye Baker. So on the way home I do what any normal, emotional, neurotic person does. Put a song on repeat, sang my heart out and cried my tears. Laura Story's "Blessings" was that anthem today.
"What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your blessings in disguise..."
I woke up knowing I was going to sell 2 houses today. Just knew it. I didn't. My partners did. The frustration of losing sales got the best of me and I was disappointed and the tears came. But the tears came as I was sitting at my desk in my office in a beautiful model home where I work. My job is a huge blessing to me. I heard twice today that for various reasons people wouldnt be buying from me but they appreciated who I was, my honesty, my sincerity. I prayed today on my way to work, as I often do, for the people I would encounter, that I would be able to give them what they needed. In my mind that's a house. Maybe they needed to be shown kindness, honesty, sincerity. Sometimes I forget how the kindness of strangers got me through some of my darkest days.
"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world cant satisfy. And what if trials of this life, the rains, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise."
Jonas has been in my dreams every night for months. Sometimes I wake up crying, sometimes I wake up with a smile at a memory. He is in my prayers everyday. Today I found out he doesnt live in FL. It was hard enough knowing he was in Daytona and not being able to see him. Not knowing what state he lives in cut my heart in 2. No one tells you how to grieve a child who has other parents, who is still somewhere, just no where you can see or feel or hear him. No one knows how to help you get over the loss of that.
I've had a little boy I loved more than anything call me Missy. I have 3 kids I love now who call me Melissa. I'm married to a man who is wanting to give me a baby who calls me Mommy. I've had the blessings of being able to love with a mother's heart to special kids. I cant wait for the blessing of being able to love my own baby.
"When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart, this is not our home."
A year ago today I met Jason. After such a disappointing, frustrating, sad day I came home to candles, music, dinner, flowers and my husband waiting for me with a hug. Doesnt make the pain and fear and confusion go away but I have an amazingly special man beside me on this journey I'm on. I'm blessed. Through rain, through tears, through sleepless nights. I have a God who has more for me than I can imagine and a husband who I still can't believe I get to call mine.
I'm blessed. Even on the sad, frustrating days when life seems to be a confusing mess of crazy, I'm reminded that even in the midst of pain, God's mercy is in there somewhere. Always. And the lesson isn't in the answer, the lesson is in the lesson. Imagine that...